How do I deal with my ex-girlfriend?

[pisces7378]

My girlfriend and I broke up 9 months ago. I really loved her, and the break up killed me. But it was 9 months ago, so I am pretty much over it. But the worst thing was, that we broke up over basically nothing (I never really got a clear answer about why we broke up), and then she just completely vanished. I didn't hear from her for 7 months.

Now, I've been seeing her around and since we revolve in similar circles, we will be bumping into each other a lot more in the future.

I just wanted to ask how you guys think it is appropriate for me to act towards her when I see her? To be honest I am still very affected by seeing her. I still love her dearly, but I am pretty mad about how she has handled everything. I know that I'm never going to get closure. She's never going to just fall at my feet apologizing for disappearing like that. She's 21 and I'm 31. She's still just a scattered kid really. But no matter what, I don't want to make things worse by treating her badly, but at the same time, I want to protect myself, because like I said, it really affects me to see her out.

Do I just literally ignore her? Leave the bar is she's there? Say hello and then leave? Sit down and try to talk to her casually as if nothing were the matter?

I mean ultimately, I know the real answer to this question is, "Do whatever you want man." But the point is, I don't know what I want. I'd like to think that in a year or two we might be able to work something out. But at this very moment, she is just going down a road of self-destruction that I can't be a part of.

[shheadz]

If I were in your shoes, I'd offer some quick, polite chit-chat, and then excuse myself. Don't keep yourself in an uncomfortable situation. If being around her is going to stir up feelings (both good and bad), then you should leave the situation.

[pisces7378]

Yeah... I guess the thing is, it doesn't matter if I see her and chit chat or if I see her and just leave.

I saw he a couple of weeks ago, and sat with her and talked, and I felt like shit for three days. And then I saw he again a couple of days ago, and this time I decided to say NOTHING to her. And I still felt like shit for 3 days.

Oh well.

[Heratriumphant]

Ouch, this must suck for you.

I think the best you can do is to be as casual and civil as you can stand to be, while keeping some distance.

How is it that after months of NC you guys as suddenly hanging out in the same bar? That seems a little odd to me.

[IndiReloaded]

You guys are in completely different stages of life. Let her go.

[pisces7378]

You guys are in completely different stages of life. Let her go.

Jeez, there is always that one person that says, "Just let her go man." As if I am like making her mixed CD's and sending her secret admirer flowers trying to get her back.

I have totally "let her go". My point is, that in maybe the year 1409, there would be established rules on how to deal with things like this. There would be some etiquette book where I could look under chapter 3, paragraph 7 that would give me the civil "rules" on what to do when confronted with an EX in public.

I don't want to seem rude. But at the same time I want to protect myself from seeming too attached to her, when I am simply not.

The reason we have suddenly began bumping into each other after 7 months of NC, is because I literally pulled myself out of "the scene". For the past 7 months, I have been staying home, working a lot, and when I do go out, I have made a concerted effort to avoid my favorite places. But now, I am finally like, "**** that!!!" I am tired of drinking beer at boring bars filled with college professors and rich asshole, just because I know I will never run into her there.

I am finally feeling great again, and I want to reclaim my town, and my bars.

[lilly1185]

I don't want to seem rude. But at the same time I want to protect myself from seeming too attached to her, when I am simply not.

Sounds a little like you are still a touch hung up on her.

Unlike with dining at a fine restaurant, there are no rules to dating/breaking up, because there are too many situations. There can't be a psychological break down on how to handle EVERYTHING because there are just too many specific situations.

Maybe instead of reclaiming your town in your old way, find new ways to reclaim it. Discover some new bars, friends, ect.
Meet knew people, have casual flings and re-discover yourself. It's always hard to let someone go when you're dwelling on them.

[pisces7378]

My mother is 65 years old. I asked her recently if she had ever had someone really destroy her in a relationship before she met my dad. She told me a story about how she was dating a grad student at the University of South Carolina. My mom was an airline flight attendant. It was 1960'something. She drove home to South Carolina from Atlanta where she was stationed, and had not called her boyfriend. She wanted to surprise him.

When she arrived, she knocked on his door. He came to the door, and there was his roommate and two girls in the apartment. My mother was 20 years old and still wearing her little stewardess outfit. She came inside and sat on the couch, totally oblivious to what was really happening. It wasn't until maybe half an hour later that she realized that the entire room was absolutely ignoring her utter presence there. She realized that she was an uninvited guest, and that her boyfriend was with one of the other girls. She started to cry, and just left. Never saw him again.

Now that was over 45 years ago... and I could see in my mother's eyes as she told me this story, that she was STILL, as you put it, "a little bit hung up" on the situation.

So yeah, I am still hung up on it all. I still love her. I care about her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to make her feel worse than I have to. And that is why I am on this message board trying to ask you ladies what I should do to minimize hurting her, while at the same time saving myself as much grief as I can.

And as far as going to other bars... this town only has a few. There are no "other bars". I've been in exile for 7 months, trying to give myself and her enough time to heal, and find ourselves. I've been doing really well. I've been out with some other ladies. I've been seeing a therapist, and really getting under the finger nails of all this.

Anyway... it doesn't matter. I am getting from you guys that you don't know either what I should do. That's cool.

[lilly1185]

LOL I think what you're getting is varied opinions of what we would do.

I, personally, wouldn't worry about whether I hurt her or not. She broke up with you for no apparent reason.
That hurts.
And it sucks.

You're obviously a caring individual to not let that get to you, but I think you should make it clear she hurt you and you want little to do with her.

And of course, first real loves are always hard to get over. My heart goes out to you and your mum- thats a crummy situation. Props on getting into therapy, though. Most men wouldn't have the balls.

[IndiReloaded]

My girlfriend and I broke up 9 months ago. I really loved her, and the break up killed me.

I still love her dearly, but I am pretty mad about how she has handled everything.

Do I just literally ignore her?

Yes. You should.

Jeez, there is always that one person that says, "Just let her go man." As if I am like making her mixed CD's and sending her secret admirer flowers trying to get her back.

I have totally "let her go".

No, you haven't. See above and below for examples to the contrary.

Now that was over 45 years ago... and I could see in my mother's eyes as she told me this story, that she was STILL, as you put it, "a little bit hung up" on the situation.

So yeah, I am still hung up on it all. I still love her. I care about her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to make her feel worse than I have to.

Point of this story? Yes, you are still hung up on her. That's not 'letting her go'.

Anyway... it doesn't matter. I am getting from you guys that you don't know either what I should do. That's cool.

Its hard to know what to tell someone whose story is full of inconsistencies. You can't admit the truth to yourself, don't expect any of us to be able to make you do that. All we can do is bring you to the water, we can't make you drink.

I already said: you need to let her go. Since you seem to need this spelled out more explicitly: this means No Contact. So yes, you should ignore her if you meet her. If this somehow violates some code you have of 'protecting her', I would say you aren't admitting you are still hung up on her. But she's not hung up on you, apparently, so its doubtful you will hurt her much. She's not missing you, from the sounds of things.

[pisces7378]

Oh My God!

Indi, I get so frustrated with people suddenly transforming into some kind of internet lawyer and pulling out quotes and trying to show me how screwy my story is with all these inconsistencies.

Of COURSE she is still in my heart. Of COURSE she is still in my thoughts. And of COURSE I still would like to work things out with her somehow. But what I think,what I want, and what I have in my heart, and what is actually possible in reality have nothing to do with each other.

So when I say, "I'm totally over her," I of course mean that I am over her to the point that I don't fear seeing her, or cry myself to sleep every night. My daily life no longer revolves around thinking of her. But yes, when I see her in a bar, I can't believe that I can't just walk over and sit down beside her like we used to.

So yeah, it may take a little vision, and I may be asking you to stretch a little, but these kinds of things are difficult to work through in your own mind, much less trying to write out the perfect little personal statement on an internet bulletin board.

[IndiReloaded]

Pisces, yes, its always easier to sound wise about a situation when you aren't in the muck of it. Or as in my case, when you've had your feet held to the fire and lived to tell about it. You came for advice, you got it. Generally this place tends to give less what you want and more what you need. Recognize this as something with merit, or not. Up to you.

FYI, I haven't 'transformed' into anything. My personality here is the same IRL.

Good luck.

[psu786]

I would go where you normally do and don't worry about it. If she comes up to you and starts a convo then obviously be polite, but don't go out of your way either. Shes 21, and this isnt to say all 21 yr old women, but the ones i met and know don't know what they wanna do, hell even some at 31. Anyway, yeah your gonna think about when yall were together, nothings wrong with that. But you've gone out of your way long enough, get out there and do you. You'll eventually get used to the fact of seeing her again and not being together, and you'll get over it. I avoided an entire state because of a women once lol, so trust me, just keep going out, it'll pass

[pisces7378]

I'd just like to thank you all for your advice. I think I always knew what to do, I just was glad to hear someone else say it.

I am going to just ignore her. I put it out there, that I want to try to work things out. I also told her that I have zero interest in just being friends with her. So as weird and awkward as it is, my only real choice is to pretty much ignore her unless she speaks to me first. And then I will just be as polite as I can, and keep on with my night.

I guess, I secretly was hoping that one of you guys would have that piece of golden advice that would help me get her back.

I guess/know I'm better off without her and her drama, but damn I really loved that one.

[thrillaveza]

I guess, I secretly was hoping that one of you guys would have that piece of golden advice that would help me get her back.

I guess/know I'm better off without her and her drama, but damn I really loved that one.

well the only way you can get her back would be uncontrollable. if it's meant to be then she'll come around in a long run. but for now, cut her out of your life. find someone better; goodluck