Need Help Fixing My Relationship

[namelessmusicia]

This is going to be pretty long, but I really need some advice right now, so please bear with me.

I have been seeing the same girl on and off for the past 6 years or so. Even before we started dating, we were best friends, so we have had a very long relationship and we have really cared about each other for a long time. After being on and off for the first 3 years, we broke up for a solid year because we were moving to different places. During that year, I basically became a jerk. I partied, I slept around, I basically did whatever I wanted and though only about myself. Eventually she moved closer to where I was, and we got back together.

I was still in a very self-centered place. I had gotten used to the sleeping around and getting a lot of sex, so when we got back together, I made no secret of what I wanted from her. I made her feel pressured to have sex all the time, regardless of how she was feeling. I didn’t really notice if she was feeling tired or stressed or just not into it, I just asked for sex almost every day. I will clarify that I never physically made her do anything, I never threatened her, or did anything outright abusive. Regardless, I did come on to her a lot and I did speak openly about how I thought of sex as the most important part of a relationship. She is a very selfless person, and she has a hard time standing up and saying what she wants if she thinks someone else doesn’t want it, so she never said no. I was too wrapped up in myself to notice the hints that she didn’t always want to do it.

It took almost a year for her to get so fed up hoping I would just notice what I was doing and change, but she eventually told me that I was hurting her, and she couldn’t handle the constant pressure and it was making sex a bad experience for her. I was honestly shocked. I hadn’t noticed any of the signs, and I had just thought she was as into it as I was. When I realized the emotional damage I had done, I realized I had to change. It was a difficult process dragging myself out of the dark place I had been in, but I promised her that I was a better person than that, and I started going to therapy and revaluating my outlook on life.

I still regret what I did, it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I started being a better person, being more selfless, paying attention to the wants and needs of others. I remembered that she was my best friend, and I knew I didn’t want to lose her. I stopped bringing up the topic of sex, letting her bring it up if she wanted to do it. I told her I only wanted to if she really wanted to. I tried never to pressure her, to reassure her when she was feeling pressured, and I tried all the time to remind her I wasn’t that same person anymore. She definitely believes that I’ve changed out she wouldn’t be with me anymore, but she felt so much pressure to have sex for so long that she still feels it a lot of the time. It’s still a very touchy subject, even almost year later, because she still thinks that I must want sex all the time, and I’m just covering it up.

She keeps saying that she wants me to prove to her that value her more than I value sex. I had thought that by backing off the subject, and letting her bring it up, and reassuring her that it was ok for her to not be in the mood, she would know that I cared more about being with her than getting sex all the time. I love her so much, and I feel so terrible for what I did, and all I try all the time to make up for it, but I know she’s looking for me to do something more to really show her that I don’t think the same way I used to. I know that I care more about her, and I know I don’t take her for granted anymore, and I keep trying to prove to her that I value her more than sex, but I’m running out of ideas of how to show her once and for all. If anyone reads this and can think of what they would need to see from a guy to show you that he really cared about you, and he valued you more than sex, and he had really changed, I’m all ears. I’ve really worked hard at being a better person, and I think I may just be too close to all of this and frustrated with trying to prove myself to think of what I she wants me to do. This is the most important person in my life, so I would do whatever I had to do if I could only think of what it was.

Thanks you for taking the time to read that, and I would appreciate it so much if you could really help me. Please don’t respond calling me an jerk or anything, because believe me, I know what I was and I feel more than bad enough about it, and it’s pretty hard to admit it, even anonymously.

[lahnnabell]

I commend you not only stopping to finally listen to the signs (and the eventual blatant message) she gave, but heeding them as well. I've never heard of a guy going to such lengths to turn himself around. Most guys I know bail when the going gets tough and many refused to ever look at themselves honestly. Only after exhausting my options would I jump ship, and THEN they would become self-reflective enough to make positive changes. That being said...

This girl has had quite a bit of damage done to her psyche. Granted, her timid nature combined with your clueless and selfish approach toward things has caused this to be a clusterf*ck. There is no way you can erase all that has happened, especially considering the long history you two have.

What I advise you to do is sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Tell her what you told us. That you've changed for the better after seeing the error of your ways, that you care for her, and that you need to know what else will make her comfortable. You seem to understand this already, but I'll reiterate, DO NOT BRING UP SEX. AT ALL. Don't even say, "I've been so good about not asking for sex..." This will make her feel pressured, like you're subliminally guilt tripping her. I know it sounds whacked, but so is her brain. You abused her, and abuse has a lasting effect. Think of children who are sexually abused by an adult. I was emotionally and verbally abused by my father for years, and after 6+ years of very minimal verbal contact with him, I still carry around insecurities rooted in things he would say to me.

The conversation needs to be about her, and what she needs. Not you and how good you've been. I guarantee that if you attempt to make the conversation about you, it'll only backfire and she'll fall further into this spiral. If you find that you don't know how much longer you can keep up this level of nurturing, then you need to ask yourself what you really want out of your life. Are you prepared for this to be an ongoing, possibly even recurring issue?

You did quite a bit of damage here, and though you changed and bettered things for the both of you, it doesn't erase the past.

[kms]

It's great to hear that you woke up and realized what you were doing to her, and have made sincere attempts to change. That takes a lot of courage and honesty.

For sure, you've done a lot of damage to the relationship. You've made sex an unpleasant and unenjoyable thing for her, and it can take time to heal from that emotionally and psychologically. Each time she has sex with you, all the memories of being guilt tripped and callously forced into having it, with complete disregard for her feelings before will be triggered. It will take time for her to have enough positive experiences with you for those negative memories to fade.

As for what she needs - ask her. Each person is a bit different, so instead of guessing or asking other people, just ask her. Tell her that you sincerely have changed and value her and treasure her deeply, and how does she want you to show that to her?

I've been in her situation before, and what would have helped me is to be touched lovingly but non-sexually, without any expectation or pressure for it to go somewhere. Things like giving me a back rub, or playing with my hair, putting an arm around me, kissing me, holding me or cuddling a bit before falling asleep, caring touches in general. That helps to provide an atmosphere of safety, of caring for her just the way she is, and not just as a sex object. Once she starts to feel safe and not pressured, it's likely that she'll escalate it sometimes to something more than a loving touch.

[cmacattack1]

Way too often it takes them leaving you for good to realize everything you did wrong and then want to change like Lahnnabell said (like me heh). You are a lucky guy to have a girl stick it for you. Not to mention the fact that you guys broken up and gotten back together many times, that's alot of chances that guys don't normally get. I got my chances sure, but one break up was all I got. You guys were together for longer though but even so, you are truly blessed.

They are both right. There's nothing quite like having honesty and sincerity in a relationship and having that talk with her is the best thing that can be done.

You say you are running out of ideas though....it kind of sounds like you are just obeying her in an attempt to win her back? Is what you are doing genuinely what you want or are you just doing this because you are scared and desparate? You need to take an honest look at this situation. It can't last and have a happy ending if your feelings aren't genuine. It too easily happens that you could be doing this out of desparation and be manipulating her feelings, even if you don't mean to or don't even know that you are.

[lahnnabell]

You say you are running out of ideas though....it kind of sounds like you are just obeying her in an attempt to win her back?

You know, I was wondering this precise question myself. Hence why I reiterated not bringing up sex at all. It will only look like there are ulterior motives in place.

And I agree about the non-sexual, loving touches.

[namelessmusicia]

First of all, I appreciate that you all took the time to read that, and even more I appreciate the maturity level of the responses. I understand that what I wrote may have made it seem that I am just doing whatever she wants me to do to get her back, however, I have taken the initiative to do most of these things because I regret what I did and I know what matters to me. The only thing she really told me at first was how I was making her feel, and that it had to change if I wanted to be with her. It was never as though she told me exactly what to change, or that she kept coming up with new things for me to do. I am simply frustrated because while I have come very far, and I have made a lot of changes because I want a healthy relationship, I know that she still wonders if I've really changed or if I could just go back to the way that I was.

I think that it is perfectly understandable for her to be cautious and to have reservations, and believe me I know that the healing process here is difficult. As lahnnabell said, most people don't change, they just find situations which suit them better. It is hard to show a someone that you have made fundamental changes to your personality, your way of viewing people, your way of viewing the world.

I know that talking through things is the cornerstone of a good relationship, and we do talk, or we would never have made it to where we are. The suggestion to have more non-sexual physical contact is a good one, and I have tried to do that, but the problem is that she sometimes thinks I may have an ulterior motive for cuddling up next to her in bed, especially if we haven't had sex in a while. I do reassure her that I don't want anything, and hopefully continuing that will help.

I guess the reason I posted this in the "ask a female" forum was because my whole story and my asking for help really boils down to one thing: If you had suffered from this sort of emotional damage, what would you need to see from a guy for you to believe he had really changed? What could he do that would convince you that he truly valued you more than sex? Would it have to be something he did consistently, or is there some sort of gesture, like forgoing sex for month or something else, that would help to prove to you that he really cared about being with you more than just getting sex?

While we do talk, I know her well enough to know that asking her what to do and then doing it means about half as much as bringing the idea to her yourself. I understand this mode of thinking, and I understand that she really wants me to put myself in her shoes and see what she might need. I'm asking for help on the questions in the previous paragraph because I feel like I may be overlooking something, and I think a female perspective and some suggestions could at the very least get me thinking on the right track.
Thanks again.

P.S. lahnnabell, Neil Gaiman is absolutely my favorite author. Love to see that you have that quote there.

[lahnnabell]

Word! Most welcome, dude. And to answer your reformulated question...

I guess the reason I posted this in the "ask a female" forum was because my whole story and my asking for help really boils down to one thing: If you had suffered from this sort of emotional damage, what would you need to see from a guy for you to believe he had really changed? What could he do that would convince you that he truly valued you more than sex? Would it have to be something he did consistently, or is there some sort of gesture, like forgoing sex for month or something else, that would help to prove to you that he really cared about being with you more than just getting sex?

I would need and look for exactly what we have discussed on this thread. Non-sexual loving touches. I adore having my hair stroked/scalp rubbed. It totally gets me purring and I make sure my boyfriend knows it. Try different things and see what really sticks with your girl. I give my guy hand and back massages, and he also digs the head rubs. It's important to look for signs from your SO that reveal what they might want. For example, if my guy is leaning against me, or rubbing his head against me, it's the signal for a head rub. Most of the time I jump on it before he even says anything. But I have my clueless days too However, I'm guessing that your lady is a little removed from giving you those signals, as she most likely doesn't want you to misinterpret them.

I use my father as a strong example of emotional abuse because the effects still linger. It took me several years of intermittent contact with him to figure out what I really wanted. I went through cycles of hating him, feeling sorry for him, empathizing with him, and back again. Anytime he wanted contact with me, he'd beg me to talk to him, playing the favorite card, but whenever I'd attempt to let him in and be open with him, he'd disappear again. I needed him to be able to hack the emotional side of our relationship like an adult, but he continuously chose to cut and run. It always hurt, and now I simply don't respond to any of his stimulus because it is too much of a let down.

It may take your girl some time to figure out what she needs from you exactly. She probably doesn't understand that you need her help and she's wishing you could just read her mind and figure it out for her. I'm sure she's emotionally exhausted from previously trying to understand your hurtful ways. I know I would be.

Time, patience, love, attention and dedication are all great ingredients that will help your relationship along. These are the things I wish my dad could provide.

[mrkleen]

If you are in a situation where your partner simply cannot forgive and forget, sometimes the best thing to do is move on.

You two have been through a lot. But if you truly have changed your ways for a while now – and she is still not accepting or believing that you have, the best thing to do is to move on. We all make mistakes, you cannot live your life trying to make up for your past. You have to have a clear head and a clear conscience to have a successful relationship.