5 year relationship, losing attraction, very frustated and confused

[SadandConfused]

Hi everyone,

I guess I'm here partly to use this forum as a sounding board. I'm 25 and my girlfriend is 24. We've been together for 5 years.

We're great friends and as far as humor, interests, etc. goes, we're a good match. I moved to a new city for her because she needed to move for school, so, right now, not only is she my best friend, she's basically my only friend!

She has some skin discoloration around her mouth that didn't bother me before, but it seems like it has gotten a bit worse. She also has some dry skin bumps and white flaky skin that forms around the corners of her mouth. I've expressed to her as kindly as I can that I don't find these things attractive. I've encouraged her to visit a dermatologist so we can see what a doctor says and even offered to pay for the visit.

She refuses to do anything to pursue the problem. She is very much a function over form type of girl. I knew that and I generally like that. But over the years it seems like she doesn't care at all about attracting me.

She has some extra weight and when it came up that I didn't necessarily find that attractive, I pushed for us both to join a gym, so we could both work on being more attractive for one another. I'm making some progress, but she actually has gained a few pounds. She doesn't carefully watch what she eats and likened herself to an addict when it comes to cookies, cake, etc.

I wish more than anything I didn't feel this way, as I want to be very attracted to her. She's my best friend and I want things to be perfect between us. But they aren't. I feel sad and I don't feel as attracted to her as I used to. I feel frustrated that she won't work to lose weight or even see a doctor to pursue those problems.

I told her I understood she didn't care about them and I did. I offered to compromise and do things she wants me to do more often - like house chores - if she would work a bit harder on these problems for me. It's been months and she takes no action and makes no progress.

I don't know what to do. How can I help get the relationship fixed? Physical attraction is an important component to any relationship. I've done everything short of giving up, but I feel my frustration growing. I've made it clear I'm willing to do what it takes to keep us together - including moving to a new city for her - but she isn't working on the things I care about to keep all aspects of our relationship strong.

On a somewhat selfish note, I do really fear us breaking up in this new city. After moving here (and I can't move back to my old city for personal reasons, unfortunately), I'd be somewhat stranded and alone. Any advice or thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for reading, everyone.

[Di741111]

well, have you thought about how humiliated she was everytime you told her that shes got extra weight or she has flaky skin? no one is perfect, you've been together for 5 years, you love her, and she loves you, she trusts your love for her, so she might think that even if shes not that attractive you'd still love her.
I understand that you want to keep each other attracted, but appearance isn't that big of a deal if you love her and already been together for 5 years. it's not like shes gaining 300lbs or she gets old wrinkles all over her face.

[kms]

You are right, attraction is an important part of a romantic relationship. The initial attraction that people feel for each other generally lasts from 6 months to 2 years (sometimes shorter, sometimes longer). Once that fades, we're faced with the true nature of the person, which either causes break up or a deeper, stronger love. However, the attraction is still there, but the overwhelming intensity isn't as strong because you need to be able to function normally in life and concentrate on other things (like work, kids, developing a life together, etc.). It's more of a function of survival (I would recommend searching for lectures by Helen Fisher on YouTube; she's a scientist who has studied the biology behind love, and she discusses all of this in detail).

If you got together with her based mainly on her looks and secondarily for things you have in common, then once that attraction fades or once her body begins to change (which is inevitable over time; we won't keep our youthful appearance forever, and when women get pregnant they gain weight, etc.), it is understandable that you might begin to feel less satisfied. Plus remember, beauty and our physical features are never guaranteed in life; any of us could become ill, get in an accident, etc. that could disfigure or change our looks. What keeps a couple together through all of that is a strong connection to the person themselves. However, it is necessary for each person to make themselves presentable and pleasing to their partner (at least attempt; you don't have to be a beauty queen or stick thin model, but simply make sure you take care of yourself and do things you know your partner likes), because once you are romantically involved with someone, your looks are no longer for you alone, but are an important component of the relationship (not the ONLY component, but part of it). You have to take care of that, just as you would your health or mental well-being. I personally think that it is not only irresponsible to be overweight (for your own physical and mental health's sake), but it is selfish too, because you are ignoring your partner's physical needs. We aren't superhuman and infallible after all.

I'm also wondering if part of your dissatisfaction isn't necessarily because of her looks, but more because of her attitude toward her looks, and her unwillingness to make compromises in the relationship.

It's definitely a difficult situation that you are in, because physical appearance for women is a highly sensitive issue, even for those who claim to not care about their looks. Who knows, she may feel hurt and resentful by the fact that you aren't satisfied with her physically, and her procrastination and stubbornness to change could be her way of responding. It may be something she isn't even aware of.

[SadandConfused]

The initial attraction, the shiny-newness of the relationship, wore off long ago and it isn't about losing that. We do have a deep attachment and friendship and if I didn't value that, I wouldn't have moved to a new city with her. I wouldn't have tried to offer compromises or be supportive with the things I'd like changed, like offering to go the gym together.

We actually got together mainly for personality. I don't think either of us thought the other was drop-dead gorgeous/handsome. We do make great friends and just like the physical side of a relationship, that's also a very important pillar. Perhaps even a much more important one than the physical side, but that doesn't mean the physical side isn't important.

I think you are right to say that part of my dissatisfaction stems from her attitude regarding her looks. That isn't all of it, but an honest effort, regardless of the outcome, might have mitigated some of the resentment and frustration I'm feeling (then again, maybe not, but it wouldn't have hurt).

There are other things that are bothering me now, but I don't think they are an undelrying cause. She has a temper and gets quite mad at even small things sometimes. She admits it, but also points out she gets over her anger quickly. I used to be able to shrug it off most of the time, but as the physical appearance issue has progressed, I find myself getting more and more irritated with her bouts of anger. I think that the general dissatisfaction I'm feeling is spilling over to other things, unfortunately.

I'm also feeling like 'is this all there is to life?' I'm not sure if this is part symptom or part cause, because everything sort of evolved to this point. Being 25, going to work, coming home, doing not much, etc. The thing is.. I used to like this and now, I can't even think exactly what we'd do differently.

We both are sort of lazy and we feed off of each other in that way, which I feel is definitely a negative. In the end, I guess right now I'm feeling that if she's like this with her physical appearance now at 24, how would it be when she's 50? I can't see her making an effort at any point. Plus, if I'm feeling like this now, how am I going to feel if we got married and were together for countless more years?

[whaywardj]

See the "Stages of..." sticky.