I just don't what to do.

[SunflowerGirl]

Okay so how should I begin this ... First I'll say a little bit about myself.

I'm in my early twenties. I drink but I don't smoke. I don't party, but I do like to go out to get a drink, or have a drink with dinner. An education is very important to me, and being active and healthy is important to me as well.

With that said, I've been in amazing relationship with someone I've met through work. I met him beginning of last year. Had some what of a crush on him when I first started there, but at that time we were both in relationships. As time went by both of our relationships sort of went sour, in their own little ways. When that happened, we kind of confided in each other, hung out a lot. After about a month of two of that we decided to just go ahead and make it official. We're nearing our 1 year anniversary and things are not just the way I was thinking they'd be. I don't have extremely high expectations, I just want the person I'm with to understand me and love me.
In my relationship I have kind of a communication problem. The person I'm with is a thinker, a leader, and a great listener. But it takes him FOREVER to articulate anything. Anytime we get in a fight or even a disagreement, I'm usually the first to speak up. And then once I let him know my feelings on the matter, he just sits or stands, and just blankly looks off into space. I know he's thinking about how to respond ... but ... Life is not supposed to be rehearsed. It's just so frustrating. So when he doesn't respond for some time, I start chiming in again, cause I'm already upset, and even more cause he wont say anything!! When I start to chime in more, he feels overwhelmed and basically shuts down, then I usually say something that I'll regret the next day, and we'll be on edge for about a week. After that week things just sort of appear to have never happened...like we both just get over it... but they never get resolved!!

Another thing that is an issue in our relationship is that he is okay with smoking pot. I will say for the record, I know he smoked pot before we dated. I dunno, I usually go for guys with pot-head tendencies... laid back, liberal, free thinking, and always looking for a good time. Honestly thats a pretty good description of myself... however I have one thing different, I have too many hopes, dreams, and aspirations to risk it for just smoking pot. Its just my moral standard. Pot is illegal, it does cause people to loose their jobs, and its just not something that I want in my life. I made it very clear that I don't mind if he smokes... but to not let it involve me, or smoke around me. I don't want him to smell like it or sell it. At the beginning of our relationship he was very good at all of that. But in past few months, things have taken a turn for the worse. He's not a habitual smoker... just a social one. And his social life has kind of sky rocketed. All of his friends smoke it, so that makes it really hard for me to hang out with him, since he gets invited to a lot of parties, and is very sociable. Like I said earlier I'm not a big party person, but I'll go if I'm with him. In the past two months, he's smoked at least five times in front of me, his room wreaked of pot for a two week span, and he went on a road trip with out me to see a girl and smoked pot the entire trip. These things make me feel like he is intentionally trying to push me away. I feel like he doesn't respect me anymore. I don't know what I did to really receive this kind of attention... but it kinda hurts.

Okay soo remember when I said we met at work. We no longer work together, that happened early in our relationship. But since the middle of this year we have had completely different schedules. I'm in school, he's not. I work mornings... he works evenings. He works out every day in the morning, so even if i take a day off... he's busy. I work out and have classes in the evening... so even if he takes off work..I'm busy. And then by the time weekend gets here, we both already have pre arranged plans with someone else.


Wow, just typing this is making me so emotional...I haven't even gotten to the point where I really need help.

So at the gym I work out at.. I've met someone. And by meet I mean just talking and hanging out. I would NEVER cheat! My emotions are completely confused right now. The guy from my gym has a lot of the things I'm looking for in a guy. He already has his degree, he has a job at the gym, he's great with kids, he's laid back and chill without being a pot head, we both have similar interests in religion, music, movies, and literature. He pushes me and helps me at the gym, he is just always there with that goofy smile on his face. He's also a part of a circle of friends that I've recently became a part of. Usually after working out we all go have dinner and stay up chatting for hours. No heavy drinking and no illegal drugs. Just people out having healthy relationships with no stings attached. I've invited my boyfriend to come hang out with us.. but its either too late to go hang out because he has to wake up early to go work out, or he's busy at work,(he has a lot of late nights where he works).

I feel like I'm emotionally cheating. I haven't done anything physical, but I've thought a lot about this... and I just don't know what to do. All relationships have periods of time where there is a problem... I just feel like our relationship has so many!!


Yours Truly,
The Sunflower Girl

[Perryville]

SG, Yes you are emotionally cheating. You are having an emotional affair with Gym dude. To be fair, it seems to me, that both you and your BF are distancing yourselves from each other. He has his reefer-smoking friends and you don't like that, and you have your gym friends and he is unable to be a big part of that. Slowly but surely you are drifting apart, so now you have allowed yourself to begin to have feelings for Gym dude. You need to be honest with yourself and your BF and communicate all of the issues that separate you. This includes telling him about Gym dude. Maybe you can work it out, if both of you really want to, but at least you will know where you stand.

[lahnnabell]

Sounds like you have gotten to a point in your relationship where you and your guy have found out what makes you incompatible. Your lifestyles are quite different as a whole. Generally, at this stage, a couple will try to figure out (either individually or together) whether or not it is worth it to fix things, or to break it off.

I know you feel bad because you've invested so much time in this relationship and you wanted it to work, but do you honestly believe it can? You guys are already drifting apart. And from what it sounds like, talking to your boyfriend isn't helpful since he has trouble articulating himself to the point where your discussions are pointless.

Do you really want to keep putting yourself through this frustration? It sounds like you and Gym Dude are much more compatible at this stage. HOWEVER, if you decide to break up with your boyfriend, and if you don't want Gym Dude to be a rebound, you should probably back it up a bit. It helps to take some time to reflect and be single after having been with someone for so long. But to each his own.

[lahnnabell]

What initially attracted you to your boyfriend? Did he have at least some of the qualities that Gym Dude has?

[shheadz]

I know he's thinking about how to respond ... but ... Life is not supposed to be rehearsed.

I can only speak for myself, but when I get in a fight with my girlfriend I also blank out for a little while. I'm not thinking about what to say, or rehearsing a speech, or anything like that. I'm a) Not thinking anything! I'm all emotions/anger at that point, and b) Taking a moment to cool off so I don't explode. Keep in mind that guys don't always think with words, we simply feel things in our guts if that makes sense.

You are cheating on your boyfriend, and it's really not cool. Gym guy seems so perfect right now because you're going through a rough patch in your relationship, and he's fresh, stable, and chill. Keep in mind that gym guy is likely attracted to you, and he's basically doing whatever he can to impress you, which includes "faking" common interests, hanging on your every word like he really cares, etc. You could end up dumping your current boyfriend for gym guy, and then a year later be right back where you are now.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[starbuck]

There's a major pattern here with your relationship history. You broke off your first relationship (when it went sour) to be with your now boyfriend. Now that your relationship with him is going sour, you're ready to jump to gym dude. Do you see what's happening?

You're in a pattern where you're jumping from guy to guy without really knowing or adhering to what you're looking for in a relationship. People that do this can end up in crappy relationships because instead of spending some time figuring out what it is that they want in a partner, they grab whoever's there. (My sister is just like this. She's never really been single for long stretches of time. Now she's happily married, but it took her some bad relationships and a divorce to get there).

You could be using men as parachutes out of your bad relationships. You seem to have *major* compatibility issues with your current bf (communication issues, drug use, lifestyle differences). My guess is that fixing those compatibility issues is going to be a very hard road for you to go down.

My suggestion would be to spend some time single for a bit. Figure out what it is you want in a partner. And then choose partners accordingly. Not just when they rear their heads as an escape from a crappy relationship. Otherwise this could be a cycle that you end up continuing.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[SunflowerGirl]

Telling him will be hard... but it's the right thing to do.

I think being single is the best thing for me right now.
Before writing this post I was sitting in my car with my best friend venting. Because she knows the whole situation, and my previous situation. I even said it last night, that "I missed the times when we were both single... (she's currently engaged) ... those times were easier and so much more fun." She completely agreed... but for my sake not hers. She's happy where she is.

To answer your question Lahannabell, yes my boyfriends did have some of those qualities. I think the one thing about my boyfriend is that he's extremely open minded. So even if our cd/dvd collections don't match, and he keeps a stash of weed under his bed...he still had the urge to go to school, he loved kids, and has a steady job.

In response to your statement Shheadz, I know that he's thinking about to what to say cause he told me thats what he was doing. He doesn't like to fly off the wall at everything I say, he doesn't want to regret what he says... but by doing that he's hiding how he really feels and saving me from his emotions. And in turn this makes me not want to talk to him about my feelings cause I know he wont share his.


Starbuck. I think you nailed it. You covered it spot on. I will say however it was not my intention to jump from my boyfriend to the other guy. Because before you stating it, I knew that is exactly how the relationship Im in started. I think the best thing for me is to be in school and finish my degree being single, maybe date around but no serious relationships.

-sigh-
This is so easy to type.. but its going to be so hard to do.
I've never been good at breakups. This sucks.

[starbuck]

Starbuck. I think you nailed it. You covered it spot on. I will say however it was not my intention to jump from my boyfriend to the other guy. Because before you stating it, I knew that is exactly how the relationship Im in started. I think the best thing for me is to be in school and finish my degree being single, maybe date around but no serious relationships.

It's not always the easiest pattern to spot. I think I've done it to a degree as and ended dating people that totally weren't right for me. In my case, I didn't jump into a relationship to escape a bad one, but jumped in to escape my own problems. Until the relationship became the problem, LOL.

Who knows...maybe you'll end up with Gym Guy (he does sound alot better for you from what you describe), but if you take a little time to get out of your current relationship and sort things out before you start dating him, you'll do it knowing he wasn't just a rebound. It will be fairer to him to date him for who he is and not just the parachute he can be for you.

[Perryville]

SG, I'm glad that you have decided to be honest with your BF. I know that it is hard, but it will do wonders for yourself respect and will show to any future BF, that you possess the integrity to have a complete relationship. Best of Luck, to you.

[kms]

I was going to say the same thing as starbuck. You've got a pretty clear pattern going on, which indicates that the problem is not your boyfriend - it's you. You've also even said that the gym guy seems to have similar qualities as your current boyfriend. So what's different really, except that he's just a new face?

With your current boyfriend, I don't think he's trying to do anything intentionally or shove anything in your face - I think he's tired of pretending and is just being himself. This is who he is, he smokes pot, he hangs out with friends - that's it. You can only pretend to be someone else for so long. After that, you either give up and be yourself, or start resenting the other person for not accepting you the way you are.

You said yourself that you don't have high expectations in a relationship, but it sounds like you need to since you're feeling so unhappy. You need to understand yourself better - who are you, what defines you, what is important to you, what kind of guy (personality wise) is best for you, what are your deal-breakers, etc. Then you've got to set some criteria so that you can avoid this type of situation in the future.

[SunflowerGirl]

I pulled gym guy aside. Because he was constantly asking me to hang out, and offering to pick me up, and pay...and basically asking me on beat around the bush dates. I called him out on it and told him that I need him to back off just a bit and let me figure out my realtionship that I'm currently in. He seemed to take it really well and we both are still friends.. its just now he knows I like him and I know that he likes me...but I'm unavailable. Since I told Gym guy to back off, it will make it easier for me to truly decide if I am leaving my boyfriend for the right/wrong reasons.

I was going to let my boyfriend hear my feelings and non-negotiables, but before I could... HE wanted to talk to ME. He told me that he though I was being very distant, and that I wasn't making any time for him... and that it was reminding him of the end of his previous relationship. (his ex) And I explained to him that i was meeting new people, and reconnection with old friends, and I have commitments to my family since I live rent free at home still. And he understood. My boyfriends knows of Gym Guy and that we've been hanging out, just not about my feelings toward him.

So heres what else he said..
He started the conversation talking about his feelings.. (which he never does) And he also told me that his new years resolution for 2010 is to be pot free. He told me these two things with out me having to start the convorsation. So the two things that were bugging me the most he basically fixed.

I'm going to give him a second chance. I going to see if he will really stop with the pot. And continue to be open with me. I want to see if we can get that spark back that we had when we were first together. If I still feel the way I do now in about 2-3 weeks..I think I'm going to go with being single for a while.

What do yall think?

[lahnnabell]

Sounds like a plan! The more important question is, how do you feel about it? I hope things work out for you. Speaking of resolutions and whatnot, now seems like a good time to start thinking about what you REALLY want out of a relationship. It is perfectly okay to have high standards. You're not doing anyone (especially yourself) any favors by lying to yourself.

Take a long, hard look at everything you dislike about your relationship and what would make it better for you. You can go into this new year fresh, with a clear head. Your boyfriend has made some positive changes, so let's hope he sticks with them.