The steely exterior ex-GF's put up after a break up

[lhn]

God, this site can be amazing sometimes. I know thats a bit of a big word to use but jesus I might have ended up under a bus unless I had found this place.

I get the feeling that a lot of people who joined here joined due to heartbreak, even if they don't post in this part of the forums anymore.

cmacattack... seriously mate, there are a few names I have come to respect since joining here. We all have a horrible experience in common and are the only people who really know what the other one is going through. You, Ssheadz, chazza2k etc. Then we have advice from someone who has been there, done it and is now happy (lahnnabell) which is what we are all striving for right?

Just a lot of decent people on here and I'm forever grateful for those who listened to me and adviced what I should/shouldn't do.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... clichés are there for a reason.

[shheadz]

It's a crappy feeling when the ex seems to have moved on so easily and effortlessly. I've been there, and I know others here have too. I've been in the other position too, where I'm sure I looked like I had moved on way too easily.

From my own experiences, I can tell you this:

• It is an act. I know I was acting like I didn't care, because I didn't want her thinking I was some hurt little puppy that couldn't get over her. The truth is, once I was alone I'd go back to being hurt and on the verge of tears.
• I actually was pretty happy it was over, in a weird way. There was a lot of pressure and stress leading up to the breakup, and after it was over the pressure was released, and I felt a lot better.

If the problems were mounting for a long time like you said, then I'd be leaning more towards #2. She may be feeling like a huge weight has finally been lifted off her shoulders, and is feeling pretty good about it. That doesn't necessarily mean she feels good about hurting you, but feels good that the stress and pressure is finally gone.

[Moe]

I hear you I'm living it now after 3 years of what we thought was a wonderful relationship. One night cool the next morning you don't exist.
If the relationships were so wonderful imagine how good they could have been with a little communication.

I just find this paradox so hard to deal with in relationships. I remember I stayed single for a long time because of how much I hated that aspect of it. It's so strange how you can be in love and spend all that time ........then it's just gone. Disappears. Vacated.

[qwertz]

Is it an act?

It's a crappy feeling when the ex seems to have moved on so easily and effortlessly.

All i can say is from my experience, i was with my ex for a while and we had a child together, when we split it was my call.
He hurt me more than i ever thought i could hurt but leaving him was still hard and in some respects, hurt more than if i had stayed with him. I didnt let him (or anybody else for that matter) see that he hurt me, and he thought/thinks that i got over him pretty quick. Im pretty good at putting up pretences when in fact i was a mess on the inside.
That doesnt mean it wasnt the right thing to do, cause it 100% was, but that didnt make it any easier.

[cmacattack1]

No lesson ever worth learning comes easily!! And you are most welcome! My guy is playing MW2 and keeping my feet warm as I sit and type away on the computer. He kinda shakes his head at why I like this forum so much, but it's appreciation like yours that makes it worthwhile. I promised him I'd play a few Free-For-All rounds with him. I suppose I should take a posting break, reload my SCAR, and attempt to kick his ass again.

I am SOOO close to beating him finally. My aim has gotten way better. The red dot scope certainly helps too.

AND YOU PLAY MODERN WARFARE 2?!?! Your guy really hit the jackpot. He better recognize the good woman he has.

God, this site can be amazing sometimes. I know thats a bit of a big word to use but jesus I might have ended up under a bus unless I had found this place.

I get the feeling that a lot of people who joined here joined due to heartbreak, even if they don't post in this part of the forums anymore.

cmacattack... seriously mate, there are a few names I have come to respect since joining here. We all have a horrible experience in common and are the only people who really know what the other one is going through. You, Ssheadz, chazza2k etc. Then we have advice from someone who has been there, done it and is now happy (lahnnabell) which is what we are all striving for right?

Just a lot of decent people on here and I'm forever grateful for those who listened to me and adviced what I should/shouldn't do.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... clichés are there for a reason.

Yeah, I don't know where I would be without this place. I can't believe I thought I knew so much about relationships and even after a couple disasterous ones, I didn't bother to reflect upon it. That's about as naive and arrogant as anybody can get.

lhn, you are a great guy. End of story. My first buddy since I first posted on this site. You are evidence that people can understand where they have gone wrong and people do change. Maybe someday, we can convince women that second chances are the new thing.

Although I thought it was going to be stupid to do this, I'm really glad I have. I'm sure I would have learned eventually but now is way better than later. Good shit man, I appreciate everything. I'll buy you a pint next time in the UK (or wherever you are from).

[cmacattack1]

It's a crappy feeling when the ex seems to have moved on so easily and effortlessly. I've been there, and I know others here have too. I've been in the other position too, where I'm sure I looked like I had moved on way too easily.

From my own experiences, I can tell you this:

• It is an act. I know I was acting like I didn't care, because I didn't want her thinking I was some hurt little puppy that couldn't get over her. The truth is, once I was alone I'd go back to being hurt and on the verge of tears.
• I actually was pretty happy it was over, in a weird way. There was a lot of pressure and stress leading up to the breakup, and after it was over the pressure was released, and I felt a lot better.

If the problems were mounting for a long time like you said, then I'd be leaning more towards #2. She may be feeling like a huge weight has finally been lifted off her shoulders, and is feeling pretty good about it. That doesn't necessarily mean she feels good about hurting you, but feels good that the stress and pressure is finally gone.

You are a good guy too man. You've been through alot and I think you deserve better then what you got. I, like you, got caught in the trap of a younger woman and you think that everything is great with an almost childlike naivete.

While I'm not happy my situation is over, I realized it was what needed to be done for me to grow as a person. One thing I figured out is that one negative aspect of most relationships is that you both kind of cater to each other's insecurities, and that doesn't allow any personal growth. Not saying all, as some you grow together, but how often does that happen?

I hear you I'm living it now after 3 years of what we thought was a wonderful relationship. One night cool the next morning you don't exist.
If the relationships were so wonderful imagine how good they could have been with a little communication.

I almost feel guilty talking about my problems when they pale in comparison to some people, such as yourself Moe. Coming to this site to talk about your problems and issues says alot about your character and based on the story you posted, you sound like you got a real shitty deal.

You have kids on top of it, and your situation will affect them in ways that you can't even begin to imagine. Sadly, there is no pretending things are okay no matter what is at stake (their futures) and there is nothing you can do. It's frustrating and I think you deserve better than this.

All i can say is from my experience, i was with my ex for a while and we had a child together, when we split it was my call.
He hurt me more than i ever thought i could hurt but leaving him was still hard and in some respects, hurt more than if i had stayed with him. I didnt let him (or anybody else for that matter) see that he hurt me, and he thought/thinks that i got over him pretty quick. Im pretty good at putting up pretences when in fact i was a mess on the inside.
That doesnt mean it wasnt the right thing to do, cause it 100% was, but that didnt make it any easier.

I wish I knew this when I was in the middle of the break up! How do girls get so good at this? My ex wasn't even that good at it but my insecurities ran away thinking that she was okay. She had a new boyfriend a couple weeks after we broke up, she still went out of her way to talk to me, responded and talked to me, but only to rub it in that I was a piece of shit and how happy she was with the other guy when she hasn't even had time to be happy with them.

Stupid we have to play these games. But who is winning when you are just lying to yourself and suppressing your feelings? I've done that my whole life and all that has done has left me alone and stuck with my thoughts and what I could have and should have done.

[lahnnabell]

I wish I knew this when I was in the middle of the break up! How do girls get so good at this?

I think its part of the stigma that girls tend to be overly emotional about things like sex, love, break-ups, and marriage. We try to counter that by playing "the rock" so as to keep from falling into those awful stereotypes.

Part of what makes girls or women attractive is our ability to stand on our own two feet. Problem is, sometimes we try too hard! We walk a fine line of trying to be independent and capable, but soft enough to let a willing male sweep us off of our feet once in a while.

My guy absolutely spoils me. Never makes me drive anywhere if he can help it, never lets me pay unless I demand it. And yes, he surely knows what he's got! I can't believe I found a Boston boy in San Diego! Speaking of my dear, what's your team?

[lhn]

Yeah, I don't know where I would be without this place. I can't believe I thought I knew so much about relationships and even after a couple disasterous ones, I didn't bother to reflect upon it. That's about as naive and arrogant as anybody can get.

lhn, you are a great guy. End of story. My first buddy since I first posted on this site. You are evidence that people can understand where they have gone wrong and people do change. Maybe someday, we can convince women that second chances are the new thing.

Although I thought it was going to be stupid to do this, I'm really glad I have. I'm sure I would have learned eventually but now is way better than later. Good shit man, I appreciate everything. I'll buy you a pint next time in the UK (or wherever you are from).

I think I will spend many many years coming onto this site. Not just to help through my breakup (god I hope not! that would be pretty crap) but for anything. Having people to talk to who don't even need to know you personally to understand is a pretty amazing thing.
All hail the internet

There is no better feeling at the moment than chatting to people who are all willing to listen; understand; and above all, learn from each other.

[qwertz]

.

I wish I knew this when I was in the middle of the break up! How do girls get so good at this? My ex wasn't even that good at it but my insecurities ran away thinking that she was okay. She had a new boyfriend a couple weeks after we broke up, she still went out of her way to talk to me, responded and talked to me, but only to rub it in that I was a piece of shit and how happy she was with the other guy when she hasn't even had time to be happy with them.

Stupid we have to play these games. But who is winning when you are just lying to yourself and suppressing your feelings? I've done that my whole life and all that has done has left me alone and stuck with my thoughts and what I could have and should have done.

sometimes, its whats needed, if i had shown my emotions to him, it wouldve left me 'open'. I didnt want him to see how much he hurt me, though he would have to be stupid to not realise what he did was hurtful and unforgiveable.

Im only talking about breakups, its unhealthy to hide feeling and emotions within a relationship.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I know you guys were trying to advise me last night, but I just can't come to grips with it ...........

I walk into the gym tonight and as I turned back to glance, she's literally 10 feet away from me getting a gumball from the machine..... she then just bolts back into her training room.

She's the one that said we could "still be friends" when she broke it off. Why is she treating me like a piece of sh*t scumbag? It's so hurtful. I don't care that it's hard to be "just friends" with an ex- ....... You don't do this to people that you loved or loved you. I may have fallen short in finally taking us to the next level. I may have fallen short of providing 100% of the passionate needs she had while I was going thru my personal issues.......but I loved her, even if it wasn't what in her mind was the picture perfect display of love...... WTF .....

[Moe]

I know you guys were trying to advise me last night, but I just can't come to grips with it ...........

I walk into the gym tonight and as I turned back to glance, she's literally 10 feet away from me getting a gumball from the machine..... she then just bolts back into her training room.

She's the one that said we could "still be friends" when she broke it off. Why is she treating me like a piece of sh*t scumbag? It's so hurtful. I don't care that it's hard to be "just friends" with an ex- ....... You don't do this to people that you loved or loved you. I may have fallen short in finally taking us to the next level. I may have fallen short of providing 100% of the passionate needs she had while I was going thru my personal issues.......but I loved her, even if it wasn't what in her mind was the picture perfect display of love...... WTF .....

It's called respect. Every girl/women I've ever broken up with I respected as much after as before.(Except the Ex. Wife that's another story though) Keeping in contact with some till this day 20 years later(if they wished). There's no reason to be rude and disrespectful.
In my opinion and experience the ones who play games are the ones who never have a series relationship their whole life.

[lhn]

Completely. Its horrible. When I split with my ex it wasn't over any argument or anything. She just didn't love me anymore. But then for months and months she treated me like a criminal. like I was some evil being who had slept with her sister and murdered her cat.

I think sometimes they want you to be nasty so they have a excuse to get away from you.

One day you're able to kiss them and hug them, and the next its like you don't exist and nothing was real.

Unfortunately, I never received answers to my questions. You may find the same thing.

[cmacattack1]

sometimes, its whats needed, if i had shown my emotions to him, it wouldve left me 'open'. I didnt want him to see how much he hurt me, though he would have to be stupid to not realise what he did was hurtful and unforgiveable.

Im only talking about breakups, its unhealthy to hide feeling and emotions within a relationship.

Yeah I guess I can see what you mean. My ex still saw me and still talked to me after the initial break up, and she wasn't 100 percent convincing that she wanted it over. Sure she didn't cry while I was a stupid emotional mess heh, but she was saying stuff like "I want to believe you but you just seem desparate", "you are the one just not now", etc. and I guess I tried to capitalize on it. Not trying to take advantage, just letting my emotions do the action.

When I finally got tough with her, she was the one calling upset, and I read into it and tried to talk to her and got emotional and told her how I felt again. That's when I got the "what you did was unforgiveable" statement and the whole deal about her new boyfriend and how great he is.

It's crazy that we have to pretend like it doesn't bother us but it's what is necessary. Not to mention it doesn't get us anywhere, I've more than likely helped her deal with her feelings about me.

I wonder if your and her definition of unforgiveable is the same? What do you deem unforgiveable?

[cmacattack1]

You don't do this to people that you loved or loved you. I may have fallen short in finally taking us to the next level. I may have fallen short of providing 100% of the passionate needs she had while I was going thru my personal issues.......but I loved her, even if it wasn't what in her mind was the picture perfect display of love...... WTF .....

Well if you put into terms of trying to think of you or trying to think of herself, at this point she is going to think of herself.

It's not even a question about whether they care or not. They are going to take care of themself to get back to the person that they were. You would do the same if you were the one that broke it off for good.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Well if you put into terms of trying to think of you or trying to think of herself, at this point she is going to think of herself.

It's not even a question about whether they care or not. They are going to take care of themself to get back to the person that they were. You would do the same if you were the one that broke it off for good.

That's not the truth at all ..........at least not with me.

We had a brief split after the first year and a half. I sat her down and had a talk with her, told her I was unsure of things, where my life was going, and needed to separate. YET I still cared, so much so that I continued to check in on her. I kept her company. I still showed I cared regardless even if I wasn't sure that I wanted to be with her anymore.

Then after a month of digesting my thoughts and going thru the motions, I came to the conclusion - I love this girl, I don't want to be with anyone else.

This is a stark contrast from the way things ended. She broke it off over f*cking text messaging. She kept a distance from me for weeks. In my presence at the gym these days, she walks away.

Not trying to play the victim here. Just saying ......maybe I'm just a different breed.