If it's so great, why is it sucking? (sorry, it's long)

[justchipper]

Hi there, I'm new here. I've never participated in a forum before, but I have seen some REALLY smart advise here and I'm a bit confused about my current relationship. My post is long, so I'm going to do my best to condense it.

Background: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years. I’m 27 he’s 34. Right around our two year mark, I started to get very uneasy and feel unsettled about the prospect of our relationship being permanent. We love each other and we’ve talked seriously about getting married after I finish graduate school though not in much detail. I'm worried there are some compatibility issues:

First: For one of our first dates I took him spelunking and I thought it was great. He was great. The following week he went on and on to friends and family about how crazy cool it was. It was something he would have never done, but was so glad he did.

Now: This year I thought it would be cool to go on another adventure and thought, “Why not try another cave route?” This time I got a lot of complaints and there were moments of frustrated bickering. From the time I started planning the trip all the way to the end I just felt like a big jerk for dragging him into it and ‘making’ him do it. WTH?

Another trip that we both agreed to take months prior was one to Palm Beach to visit my grandparents. They’re pretty cool and live just across the street from the beach (he loves the beach)…so…what could possibly go wrong, right? Again, I felt like a huge jerk for dragging him kicking and screaming to get tickets. …But of course, after we got back he thanked me for ‘bugging’ him into going, how he needs to do it more often, and how he hasn’t vacationed in 10 years.

The only problem is that after that I felt … totally and utterly discouraged. It hurt my feelings that he would be so resistant when it came time to meet my grandparents. And I feel like I have to work way too hard now to connect. Is that normal?

Never: Also, there are more intimate things I’d really like to do that he’s just not into…like back massages…or couples’ yoga… The thought of getting all tangled up together and just feeling relaxed and connected is totally hot. I've tried to get him to try these things for two years. He just won’t.

The only thing left now that I am desperately trying to connect with is music…which is something I love. I try hard…with enthusiasm …to try to find that one song, that one artist, that we can both love and jam out to…maybe even sing poorly to... So far, no success. Nothing I find penetrates him. *Sigh*

In a nutshell: In the beginning of our relationship he pointed out how he appreciated my more creative adventurous side and how he could really benefit from a having a woman in his life that would encourage him to try things. He’s very conservative and traditional. Shortly thereafter anytime I try to get him to try something he keeps insisting that he’s a grown man, he knows what he likes and doesn’t like, knows what wants to do and what he doesn’t…it doesn’t matter if he’s never tried it or if he's tried it ‘that one time 7 years ago’. WTH?

I still feel kind of defeated by the relationship. I just want something that clicks. I don’t really want to play the field; I’m kind of over that. Ultimately, I want something that lasts and is meaningful but I’m not sure I’ve got the concept of ‘relationship work’ right.

This is my first adult relationship with a person who actually has shown me serious commitment, isn't in some sort of crisis, and has stood fast and unwavering for me when things have fallen apart (like a real man should). I don’t know what to do with it.

I feel kind of damned-if-I-do and-damned-if-I-don’t about it. If I stay I feel like I might be giving up large chunks of who I am, and if I go what good would that do? Wouldn’t I just be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire?

Any outside perspective would be helpful. I’ve found some really intelligent, thoughtful, and supportive posts at this site and I’d like to know what you guys thought, so…What do you think? Is there a real compatibility issue here or am I just psyching myself out? THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU in advance for sifting through this with me!

[Konsig]

It does sound you two really don't have that much in common, for grounds you think are very important. Are you sure this is the one - is this your soulmate?

If maybe not: Join a spelunking/sports club, go to a karaoke bar, meet new people. You're 27. You have plenty of time left to find a (better) lifepartner.

If you do think so: Join a spelunking/sports club, go to a karaoke bar, meet new people. You don't have to share everything with your husband - if there are enough things you two can do together (even if it's just hanging on the couch) and if you're great on everything else (you want kids, he wants kids, you think the same about importance of career, love, faithful, getting wed...), you can have your own hobbies : )

But in both cases: do the things you enjoy. Life is here to be lived.

[whaywardj]

Konsig's suggestions are sound, but I think he may jump to a conclusion with a bit too much haste.

I'm don't know that you and your paramour have few interests in common. I suspect it's more that neither of you have discovered them yet. Why? Because you say nothing about what he urges you to undertake.

The tone of your post communicates a joie de vivre in your personality that some might perceive as aggressive.

Consider whether your exuberance unsettles those who might have cautious natures and modulate it accordingly.

[shheadz]

In the beginning of our relationship he pointed out how he appreciated my more creative adventurous side and how he could really benefit from a having a woman in his life that would encourage him to try things.

We all lie a little when we first start dating. We put our best foot forward, and maybe even fake common interest just a bit. He may have even meant what he said, and then fell back into being his old self.

You sound like an adventurous get out and do things kind of girl, and he sounds like a stay at home and do nothing kind of guy. You could satisfy your adventurous side with friends like Konsig suggested, but that could ultimately cause resentment because you're out living a life without him while he's sitting at home on the couch alone.

[starbuck]

These instances might be annoying at times, but I'm really not sure they're that worrisome if your boyfriend is otherwise compatible emotionally and physically. Outdoor adventures, yoga, and music are your entertainment tastes. So do them with friends as others suggested?

Also how about a compromise with him? Maybe he won't go spelunking with you, but he'll do something else that is adventurous on HIS level. Like hiking?

I have to say, my husband and I are extremely compatitble, but not 100% in the entertainment category. He doesn't drink or go to bars whereas I like a few cocktails with friends here and there. He hates the beach (I love it). We always disagree on possible vacation spots: I want a lay-on-the-beach-drinking-maitais type thing and he wants a big city vacation.

In any case, these are things I can compromise with him over, and honestly he's so right for me in every other way, that the fact that he doesn't want to do some of these things would be like splitting hairs.

If your boyfriend is compatible in other ways, I don't think it should be a problem if you can learn to be flexible with him.

[vashti]

I don't know that hobbies are worth throwing away a good man for... However, if this is a lifestyle issue, it can be a problem.

I enjoy a certain amount of adventurous activities... I wanted to go spelunking, so I found a friend to go with me because my husband wouldn't do it. I have gone on a number of white water trips with friends for the same reason. For me, these activities are a hobby.

My sister, on the other hand, is an adventure junkie. It wasn't enough for her to simply go on a rafting trip - she ended up going to guide school and now takes groups of other people on trips. For her, this is a lifestyle, and so she married a man who is similarly inclined.

I think you need to assess whether or not this is a basic lifestyle difference.

[Gigabitch]

Do you feel that you're growing far apart or just realizing some differences? Like Starbuck said, you can do most of the things you want with friends.

It's a problem, though, if he doesn't want to do anything with you. Is that the case?

[justchipper]

WOW. Thanks for the insight everybody! I'm going to try to respond to everyone's comments:

Shared interests: Ok, you got me. There ARE things that he wants to try that I'm down for. Rock-climbing and Ballroom dancing (random, I know). He also likes shooting guns, watching movies, working with his hands, disk golf, and playing video games just to name a few. Acknowledging that does tell me that we probably just have some things to hash out.

Answer to the lifestyle question: He believes in "God, the American Flag, and Grandma's home made apple pie.", and he's not sure education is such an important factor when raising a child. And I'm agnostic, believe in Darwin, want to travel to different countries, try different foods, and am going to try to educate the b'jesus out of my kids.

Maintaining separate hobbies: On one hand, the idea of separating passions makes me squirm. I know of a retired couple where the husband RVs for months while the wife stays home close to their big family and this seems to work out just fine for them. Maybe I'm naive, but I've always thought of being with someone I could share waaaay more with. Has anybody else struggled with this concept?

On the other hand, when I was working and had time for my various hobbies, life was a lot more interesting. Now that I'm back in school and my free time was being spent with him in front of the TV, and I started to get really...agitated. As life progresses and gets more complicated with work, money, and children...wouldn't it be more effective to kill these two birds with one stone? Have a satisfying hobby and spend time with your loved one?

Conclusion: Like, I said...it does seem pretty clear that we need to just explore our interests a some more . But for some reason this next step is freaking me out a little. We've talked about marriage in the past but now it seems to have a lot more gravity. If I go through with this next stage, I feel like I'm pretty much saying 'I do'. It feels like the ultimate decision. But I guess the next thing to do is to just chill the *F* out, work on it, and see what happens.

Thanks for the super smart relationship advice, btw!