Time to vent it out - my non-relationship...

[irrelevant_89]

WARNING: huge wall of text, read at your own risk. Also, this is a bit similar to Questionheart's thread on the "ask a male" forum.

It all started in May this year, when my (divorced) dad gave my email address to the daughter of one of his many dates. She's 16, I'm 20 (all legal here in Portugal. I can't date a girl my own age partly because I look way younger than I actually am, and she only goes for older guys). I'm an anti-social freak, she likes to party and go out with her friends. I've never had a relationship (or a kiss for that matter), she's had a few meaningless hookups and a (older than me) boyfriend for about a year, who treated her really badly, leaving her with little ability to trust men. We live about 1:30 hours from each other.

Anyway, we started emailing each other and chatting on msn, and we started developing a connection - although I had no expectations at that point, we (mostly her) told each other pretty much everything about our lives, and had long, more/less deep conversations, eventually leading to our only date. It was July 22nd. :/

After that, the topics of conversation started getting more intimate, with us both admitting to have "stronger than friend" feelings towards each other in different times. But there was a problem - every time I tried to set up another date (and it was quite a few times), she either claimed not to have the time in the day of choice, or agreed only to call it off the day before or the very day of the date, for various reasons.

I got frustrated. I sent her an angry email, calling her out on not actually wanting to see me. She sent an angry answer, we were mad at each other for a while but we eventually made up. Still no dates though, but I kept myself from showing my frustration.

Which brings us to the recent events. Although we are still in good terms, we barely chat anymore - she comes online like once a week, all loving and stuff, barely replies to my text messages, and seems to be drifting away... the last time I heard from her was a week ago - I told her I'd go pick her up from school for a brief chat (I only asked for 5 minutes!) but she said she wouldn't go to school that day (doctor's appointment + last day).

I've sent her an email and several texts since, with no response, even for Christmas.

I've lost her, haven't I? Or rather, I've never had her... but I still love her, and I just can't move on or give up. If at least she'd given me a straightforward dumping, but she never said she didn't like me anymore... guess silence speaks too, no?

[shheadz]

I'd say you never really had her, so there's no reason for her to dump you. She's blowing you off, which is supposed to give you the hint. The conversations you had don't really mean anything. She wants attention, and you're giving it to her. Even admitting to feeling like more than friends is a way for her to keep you hooked, so you'll continue to lavish her with attention.

I'd say you're on the back burner my friend. Move on.

[irrelevant_89]

Thanks. You are more level-headed than I am. And I've known this all along in a way, but... I had to hear it from someone else. Not sure it will help though - the lonely loser I am is not going to move on from this, not now anyway. I may stop talking to her, but I can't go out and find another, because my feelings are still there.

Guess I'm stuck with being alone for now.

[ladyluna85]

hi....i dont think online dating works that well...i have dated online when i was very young and i dont know how others do marry people they meet online....

[vashti]

One should never expect a kid to act like a grown up. She is only 16, and has the attention span of a gnat. Forget about her.

[irrelevant_89]

She is, or at least appears to be, very mature for her age. Her dad's gone (divorced) and her mom is more/less good for nothing when it comes to practical affairs, leaving most of the housework for her, as well as taking care of a 10-year old brother and a 6-year old cousin. Also, she's smart, to the point of having earned a tutored internship in a hospital (including actually dealing with patients), something that doesn't usually happen in Portugal at her age. I'm not worried about maturity, but emotional availability might be the issue here (i.e. getting over dad gone and bad bf).

Also, I may be 20 but my zero relationship experience puts my maturity levels pretty low, no?

[ladyluna85]

u can be very mature bc life makes u that way bc there is no other choise bc u need to survive but u will always be 16 yrs old if that is ur age....she still very young .....i look back at the thing and plans and decitions i used to say and make when i was 16 and wow i can see the difference....i am 24 and my mothers therapist says i am the mother and she is the daughter bc i am mature when it comes to her problems emotionally.....but i also still act like a 24 yr old woman when it comes to money....lol she maybe smart and mature money wise.....bc she had no choise....but her personality still like a 16 yr old...its normal she will mature on her own....and u too....if u rush it its worse.....

[irrelevant_89]

Great point. That's exactly what happened with her. And honestly I can believe she has the personality of a 16 year old, but I don't think of myself as having the personality of a 20-year old. Actually I think like an old man for some things and a child for others. :S

[ladyluna85]

we are mature on somethings....and inmature in others....its life....its hard to understand but life knows what life is doing....i guess time will say.....grrrrr i am have my problems too lol....this love thing is so complicated

[irrelevant_89]

Yeah it is. xD

Well, thanks for the advice everyone, I understand what you're saying but I'm not completely sold yet. What you're suggesting me to do seems to be the best thing for me, sure - protect my feelings and find someone more available. But should I be giving up so soon? She has told me several times she doesn't really know what she wants. She got seriously heartbroken in the past, and as such she's afraid of getting close with anyone.

I can't be sure of whether she has (some) feelings for me or not, but suppose she does for a second. Would it be possible to wait the fear out and actually start something? I don't ask for much - if at least I got to see her physically every now and then it'd be a start. Remember where I'm coming from - nothing.

If she were online I'd have a number of questions to ask... but she's nowhere to be seen, although last night she sent a short email - saying she was thinking of me through Christmas dinner and before falling asleep. Not sure what to make of it.

Self-protection is nice, but right now I'm not that worried about putting my heart on the line. It's supposed to hurt no?

[irrelevant_89]

k, so she hasn't blown me off completely yet. We've just been chatting on msn, and she excused herself for her absence. The talk itself was nothing serious.

What now? Not sure if I should go for a move or leave it there and just talk normally.

[function]

click and save.

k, so she hasn't blown me off completely yet. We've just been chatting on msn, and she excused herself for her absence. The talk itself was nothing serious.

What now? Not sure if I should go for a move or leave it there and just talk normally.

[irrelevant_89]

huh? sorry I didn't get it.

[shheadz]

k, so she hasn't blown me off completely yet. We've just been chatting on msn, and she excused herself for her absence. The talk itself was nothing serious.

Nothing has changed. She's still playing you, and keeping you on the hook. Not to sound too crude, but when she blows you, that's when you'll know she's interested. Till then she's just playing you for attention.

[function]

your mental incontinence is getting out of control. stop using different IDs to defend yourself.

Nothing has changed. She's still playing you, and keeping you on the hook. Not to sound too crude, but when she blows you, that's when you'll know she's interested. Till then she's just playing you for attention.