22. first gf. i need LOTS of HELP. (+ rant + questions) WARNING: looong thread

[newbf]

Hi, I'm 22 and just started going out with this girl. She's pretty much my first girlfriend in...ever...sad I know. My biggest problem getting girls, (and likely still my biggest problem) is that I am shy. Very very shy. I had a very tough childhood growing up living with an abusive, drunk father that pretty much killed the adventurous and fun loving boy in me when I was a kid. I grew up without many friends (nobody to talk to) and if it weren't for video games, I'd have nothing to do all day. I used to stay in my room all day if I wasn't in school and had no social life whatsoever. School was great because I was away from my father, but I wasn't an intelligent kid. I was shy, socially awkward, but luckily I wasn't picked on ever. I just didn't have friends and nobody to talk to.

Things started to change a bit when I left for college. Got a job, was away from family, started communicating with strangers and I found it a whole lot easier talking to people. Going to college was the best move I've ever done.

While in college I lied about my past, and my childhood to everybody I met. I didn't want them to know what it was like growing up in a lonely room with nobody to talk to.

Feels good getting that off my chest.

Ok, the girl part. In October, I accidentally bumped into a girl at a coffee shop. I ended up getting coffee on my shirt and she was very apologetic. So she was trying to help me cleanup and asking questions like if I was burned. So we got to talking a bit and she goes to the same college as me and I just asked her if we could hangout some time, as a little IOU for burning me with burning hot coffee. she accepted and gave me her number. So I called her a few days later, after much thinking and set up to meet her on campus someplace.

After getting to know her a bit, she turns out to be awesome. I wouldn't know it, but if TV was right, she's the girl that you definitely bring home to your mother for dinner and the family will love her right away. She's just that awesome.

I'll skip some parts and get to our first kiss...my first kiss....so we went out one night and she was being very flirty (and I wouldn't know flirty normally, but it seemed flirty) and so I figured why not, and kissed her.

Our little progression into a romantic thing grew and grew a bit more each time I spoke to her, saw her, or basically communicated with her.

So she wanted me to know that she considers me her boyfriend now, and that we are a couple. I was like "just like that? uh..ok".

This is where my problems come in. I haven't been completely honest with her. I lied to her too about my childhood and growing up. I couldn't tell her the truth, and I feel like I still can't tell her the truth. This is the only thing I've ever been dishonest to her about. I don't lie to her on any other occasion.

I feel rushed getting into this relationship. I've already told her this. She's had her share of boyfriends and stuff and I've already told her I was a virgin and she was the first girl I ever got involved with. She thinks it's "powerful" knowing that she will always have an impact on my life even 50 years from now. She is ok with taking the relationship thing slow so I can think about the whole thing and make sure I'm doing it voluntarily and not by force or something.

We're not having sex. It's cool with me, after 22 years, what's another week or month without sex? We've made out and done some touching. Nothing oral yet.

Because of my shyness, I don't really like calling her. I don't even know why. I feel nervous talking to her at times because of how inexperienced I am at relationships and asking her out, my thought process is "I'm sure she's done this with one of her exes before".

Another problem is I have no idea where to take her. I don't have much money and neither does she, so we are limited in the 'going out and having fun' area.

I feel like eventually the way things are going, she's gonna break it off. And at this point, while I will miss her, I feel like letting her go would be beneficial for her to advance in her own life and meet new people, do new things. Part of this goes back to the relationship going along really slow aspect. While she says it's ok we take our time because of me, I don't know if she actually means it. While I try to make myself think she does, there's always that doubt.

Do I love this girl? I don't know. But I do have these feelings toward her that I've never felt about another person before. I don't know if it is love though.

Every moment I am with her I enjoy. I try to be the good boyfriend, but I don't exactly know what the good boyfriend has to do exactly.

I try to be gentlemanly. I open doors for her, I listen to her talking even though I'd rather run into the streets getting hit by cars, I try to pay for dinner and things like that as much as possible. I try to make her laugh, feel special, feel pretty. I care about her so much I want her to be happy. I tell her how important she is to me but at the same time I joke around that she's better off with some guy who knows what he's doing in a relationship.

I just wanted to get this all off off my chest.


How can I be the good boyfriend, what do I have to do? The little things, the important things, the big things?

[shheadz]

Ah jesus.. I definitely smell a break-up storm brewing, and it might even be you that does the breaking up!

Where to even begin.. First, you need to chill out with all the self-deprecating talk. It's not attractive. You're basically wearing your insecurities on your sleeve. I've had girlfriends tell me the same kind of stuff, and I always wished they'd just chill out, and go with things. If I wanted to date someone "better", I would have. But I chose them because I liked them just the way they were.

Second, lying to her about your childhood isn't the big deal you're making it out to be. If she has any level of maturity, she'll understand it's a sensitive subject for you, and you're hiding it for good reasons. She might even be very supportive and appreciative when you do finally tell her.

Third, you need to really throw yourself into this relationship, and stop letting fear hold you back. Call her if you want to! Ask her out if you want to! If you keep letting her initiate everything, she's going to think you're just not that interested in her. You're going to end up sabotaging your relationship because of fears of rejection. You're going to end up ditching her because you fear a break-up is inevitable.

Forth, you don't need to have a lot of money to be a good boyfriend. You'd be surprised how the little things you do together have a bigger impact on her heart than the big things. Spontaneously showing up at her place with a couple movies and a pizza will get your further than taking her out to fancy restaurants. In fact, you should back off a little on paying for everything. There's a fine line between chivalry, and trying to buy her love. Stop worrying about what a "good boyfriend" is supposed to do, and just be yourself. She was attracted to the guy she spilled coffee on, not to the guy trying to be something he's not.

Finally, make sure you don't smother the poor girl. Give her some space. You're going to have some codependency issues because of your childhood, and that going to turn you into a needy, clingy boyfriend. Back off a little, and make sure you're keeping your own independence. Don't get so wrapped up in her that you lose yourself.

I guess to sum it up all.. just chill out man, and stop worrying about everything. Worrying about everything will cause more problems than anything else.

[stevejohnson197]

well, let me preface this with that I have been in 4 long-term relationships and consider myself an expert on the subject..

1. About the childhood. I think it is very important to be honest with a person you are in a relationship with, especially early on. Lies multiply in severity as the months of the relationship go by. You will find yourself having to lie, about the lie. I don't think you have to tell her this right this second, but start preparing how you would like to te3ll her this. You may see this as a big deal, but she won't. Of course she will care, but it shouldn't change her feelings for you.

2. Doing fun stuff with no money- Cook dinner, rent movies, go for a walk, go hiking, camping, search the Google using the internet machine. A million things to do. Sometimes the BEST dates are the one's that are free. Its all about the company!

3. Sex. No rush. She seems like she respects the fact you haven't yet and that's great. I have found that sex is the pinnacle. Once you have done it, you lose some of that sexual tension, that mystery, the excitement surrounding sexual intimacy. Take you time there. Build it up. Make it so when you do have it, neither of you couldn't wait another second to do it. Master your oral and touching techniques. Once you have sex, everything else is kinda a letdown - if that makes any sense. There is no where else to go from there, but down.

4. Little things make everything in a relationship. Not the $500 gift, not the fancy dinner. Its the "hey come here again" right before you leave her to give her another kiss. The text in the morning telling her how you feel, making a nice dinner at home, talking with no distractions and looking into each others eyes, etc. Its ALL about the details in a relationship. If you take care of the little things, the big things wont matter.

5. Love. You'll know when you love her. She'll be the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing before bed. You'll look forward to spending time with her, you are excited everytime you see her...you'll know it. Again, there is no rush or timetable. It has taken me 8 months to fall in love and 1 month. It ust depends on the intensity of the relationship.

6.Your overall shyness could be a hindrance to the relationship, I wont lie. You don't want to call her because of your shyness, whereas she'll see it as you dont care. You'll need to put some of this aside and work really hard on it, or it will affect your relationship. I would be straight up with her about this so she knows its an issue.

Hope some of that helps. Feel free to ask more specific questions and I will do my best to help out. Hang in there. We were all new at this at one time. If you show her that you truly care, you will be well on your way to a healthy relationship...

[shheadz]

ha! I think stevejohnson197 and I have basically said all the same things. So I think you've got some solid advice to work with here.

[newbf]

thanks for the advice.

How often should I call her, see her? I don't think this is something you can really answer for me, but provide some direction I guess. I don't know, I just don't know.


I like having my independence, I've gotten so used to it that being with another person is really weird. I'm not the person to get clingy and I'm ok with seeing her twice a week or something like that.

But I feel like I have to see her everyday, which I don't want. Like even now, I'm having trouble calling her and postponed it for about 15 minutes already.

There's always the "whats to talk about" and the fear of the conversation going silent.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this relationship stuff.

[stevejohnson197]

thanks for the advice.

How often should I call her, see her? I don't think this is something you can really answer for me, but provide some direction I guess. I don't know, I just don't know.


I like having my independence, I've gotten so used to it that being with another person is really weird. I'm not the person to get clingy and I'm ok with seeing her twice a week or something like that.

But I feel like I have to see her everyday, which I don't want. Like even now, I'm having trouble calling her and postponed it for about 15 minutes already.

There's always the "whats to talk about" and the fear of the conversation going silent.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this relationship stuff.

just relax bro. You are looking into this way too much. You should call her when you WANT to call her. If you are boyfriend and girlfriend, I would guess talking everyday is probably a good idea, if not, then every other day. Just talk about your day. Let the convo flow from there. Especially with xmas just over, you can talk about a million things. Gifts, family, etc.

Take it slow, there is no rush. Being in a relationship is supposed to be rewarding and NOT stressful. Granted, talking on the phone EVERY day for more than 20mins at a time is overkill, you will run out of things to talk about. Just a quick "hey, how was your day, what are you doing tonight, wanna hangout" would work fine. An occasional text just to say hi goes a long way as well.

You're fine bro - just take it slow and as naturally as possible. dont force anything.

How long have you been together? Do you really like her? Are you forcing yourself to like her because someone is showing you attention?

[shheadz]

But I feel like I have to see her everyday, which I don't want. Like even now, I'm having trouble calling her and postponed it for about 15 minutes already.

Eh.. You're too hung up on doing what you think you're supposed to be doing, instead of doing what you want. You don't have to see her everyday (In fact, you shouldn't). If you want to see her, then do it. If she wants to see you, and you don't feel like it, then say "no". You need to focus on your own happiness just as much as hers.

As far as calling her goes.. you don't have to have anything to talk about. A phone call can be a very brief reminder that you're thinking about her. You can call her up and say, "Hey, I was just getting ready to hit the shower, but wanted to see how you were doing." Done.. It'll be a 2 minute conversation, but you've shown her that you care enough to pick up the phone and call.

[all alone]

Sounds like you have a good thing going man. Don't worry about the lack of experience, you sound like you know what your doing for the most part. Relax and enjoy her company because you shouldnt put that much pressure on yourself.

If there is one thing i have learned, experience isn't everything.. depending on the person, you can sometimes translate "experience" to multiple relationships that have not worked". Shes obviously not running for the hills at your lack of prior experience and shes willing to let your learn as you go =)

[ladyluna85]

awwwwww i want a boyfriend like u.......i love shy boys.....anyways lol....nobody in their right mind will take ur childhood problems as an excause to brake up with u....trust me....only a girl who isnt worth it will take it as an excause....ur childhood problems have nothing to do with a brake up....u should be honest with any girlfriend u'll have about it....once the relationship its official bc some mean girlfriends will use it agaisnt u to psychological abuse u.....so if u find a girl and u have were dating for like i guess 6 months....and u know she is very kind and always wants to help u....than u can tell her bc its very personal and trust me nobody should blame u to keep it as a secret....if u need to know what to do....well watch romantic movies it will show u everything....about sex....well it depends what she thinks of it....somegirls sleep with their boyfriends right away some dont....it depends really....she might get tired of waiting and dealing with u being shy but if she does trust me she is not the right girl for u.....if a girl really loves u for what u are it she should....she will wait for u and help u to face and solve ur problems and fears.....

[twopair]

dude im 22 as well, ive had an ex before, but that was like when i was 18, and this time around, its a more serious relationship. im in the same boat as u, im a little bit shy, but i guess i can be very outgoing when i get going haha.

like the advice being given, helps me with my current gf as well.

[LittlePinky82]

I think you sound really sweet. If the girl is as awesome as you say she is I think you should tell her about your past. If you're like me and have a hard time telling things in person perhaps you can write her a letter (not an Email) and let her know all you've said about your past. As a girl myself having a boyfriend trust me with that one secret you've lied to everyone else about would be more powerful than sex. At least to me anyways. And I know how it feels to be a lone in a crowded room for sure. I've too gotten better with it in college since you're kinda forced to do so. It's definitely a good thing. I just think you should just be yourself. Do fun things. Ask her for opinions on fun things. I think it's just being with the person you care about that makes it fun. Not necessarily what you do. I think the fact she is taking the relationship slow (including the physical relationship) says a lot about her in a good way. I think that is a big sign that you can trust her. Just be yourself. She seems to like you. I think that's the best thing you can do.

[LittlePinky82]

Eh.. You're too hung up on doing what you think you're supposed to be doing, instead of doing what you want. You don't have to see her everyday (In fact, you shouldn't). If you want to see her, then do it. If she wants to see you, and you don't feel like it, then say "no". You need to focus on your own happiness just as much as hers.

As far as calling her goes.. you don't have to have anything to talk about. A phone call can be a very brief reminder that you're thinking about her. You can call her up and say, "Hey, I was just getting ready to hit the shower, but wanted to see how you were doing." Done.. It'll be a 2 minute conversation, but you've shown her that you care enough to pick up the phone and call.

I would also add try simple little texts too. If she does texting remind yourself of her data plan if she doesn't have unlimited or like 500 or something like that. I'm a technology girl so I love texting more so do what she likes. It's always fun to get a text.

[shheadz]

I would also add try simple little texts too

I agree. There are a lot of text haters here.. but I think a few texts here and there throughout the day are pretty sweet. There just little reminders that you're thinking of the person. Doesn't have to be anything too serious.

[LittlePinky82]

I agree. There are a lot of text haters here.. but I think a few texts here and there throughout the day are pretty sweet. There just little reminders that you're thinking of the person. Doesn't have to be anything too serious.

Yep. I like sending them to friends every once in a while. But def keep in mind any data plans. I have some friends who don't have that many so I only send them rarely for them unless it's majorly important. In college it's fun to text friends while you're waiting for the professor to get started. Sometimes people text during class too however my college is a lot more strict on doing that now days so keep that in mind cause you don't want to get her in trouble if your school is like that.

[DUKE546]

First off dude im sry to hear about your child hood because I had the exact one. My father had and abusive father and therefore that's all my dad used to discipline me. Also like you it cause me to be extremely shy and yes I could talk to people but it just crippled me as i was growing up.

Probably around my sophomore year of high school i was very very very tired of getting nowhere in life because of my shy nature, so did a complete over haul on my self! Long story short I bucked up and got a girlfriend dated her for 4 months turned out she had emotional problems like you and she pushed them off on me and it made me extremely depressed so i had to break it off with her. So PLEASE do not let your bad past mess up your PRESENT!

As for the shyness it was alot of work to get out of my shyness hole but i did it and i have never looked back since. All it takes is time and if it doesn't work out with this girl HEY thats just more experience you have gained and will be able to use on your next gf.

As for not telling her about your childhood is absolutely no big deal. That should be nobodys business but yours until you feel the time is right to tell her.


Since this is your first gf and you haven't really had anyone to care for you in your past you're naturely going to be stuck on your first gf.

My present girlfriend right now I really don't feel it is necessary at all to mention my abusive childhood because it honestly doesn't matter! And has nothing to do with us.


So bottomline just chill out and relax !