Any quick tips to help me trust better?

[xxstarxx]

Has anyone any tips on getting confidence in myself better so I dont question my boyfriend? We had a situation a few months back where he lied to me I wont go into the details but it was quite painful and humiliating at the time. Decided to stick together and make a go of things but I find it hard to let things go and find myself questioning him a lot. I dont want to open up a can of worms here with people mocking me but if anyone has some failproof tips would be welcome! We get on great when we are togther but when we are apart the old doubt comes creeping back and I start to wonder if hes doing what he did before and then cant let the argument go. I trust him now but still cant completely relax about stuff and I want to make it right between us and not keep suspecting him.

Thank you (and please dont be mean! lol) xx

[wjs]

Once your trust is stricken it isn't going to be easy to get if fixed. You have to realize that it is not YOUR problem. He is the one who broke your trust. You might think that you are being overly dramatic about it. Well perhaps... you should always think about what is and what is not rational. However, if you want your relationship to get better, you need to fix this, and to do that you need to talk to your boyfriend. You arent being dumb for not letting it go. If he cares about you as much as he should, then he will understand your pain and your continued need for discussion. Have some confidence and tell him that you are still upset sometimes and that you havent stopped feeling woried. Tell him that when you are apart, you get worried. Let him know how you feel because that really is the only thing that can fix this (I think).

[Spring Haze]

You obviously don't trust him if you are still suspicious. He owes it to you to prove he is trustworthy. Go to him for reassurance. If he is unwilling, then he's insensitive and not exactly relationship material.

[lahnnabell]

There are no failproof tips when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone is different therefore everyone interprets differently therefore everyone reacts differently, etc. You cannot control someone simply because you want to. A person makes their own choices which then results in a series of consequences. That being said...

Your boyfriend made a poor decision from the sound of it, and it resulted in your being humiliated and hurt. You won't disclose the details of it, but I can assure you, most of us give better advice when the OP is upfront and honest about the whole story.

Once trust has been breached it is difficult to get it back. In fact, I believe it is nearly impossible to get it back. Personally, I would need proof beyond a doubt that whatever transgression occurred would never happen again. Most people, in my experience, are not willing to go the lengths it takes to win back their SO's trust again. It involves a lot of work, a lot of answering questions, and being generally thought of as untrustworthy for a long time. Most don't even want to deal with that and the relationship crumbles under the weight of resentment and distrust.

If you can't relax and you continue to suspect him of things, then you don't trust him. Plain and simple.

[xxstarxx]

The reason for my mistrust is 10 months into the relationship I discovered his profile on about 30 odd dating and swinging websites. From this I then discovered that he used to webcam with gay as well as straight people (although he always claimed the gay camming was merely a phase). He had been on some of the dating sites quite often around the time I discoevered the profiles, but some were old profiles. He claimed it was a habit he got himself into as he lived a lonely life after his wife left him. The profiles were begging for one to one sex, sex chat, webcamnming; and described a list of kinky likes/dislikes (none of which he ever discussed or displayed when with me). He claimed not to have webcammed during the year weve been together and claimed never to have met anybody, saying he only went on to look at the womens profiles.

Its hard to trust anyway, when we were first together he wanted nothing more than to be a sex buddy, I however, fell in love with him, but felt humiliated in the early days as he would never give eye contact, would come for what he wanted and then go. He would never take me anywhere where people knew him. After a few months he realised he was falling for me so we became boyfriend and girlfriend and I was so happy but yet always felt there ws something I didnt quite trust. I knew he was on a dating website and asked him to delete that one and any others, which he said he had done, so when I discoevered the profiles months later I felt Id been lied to.

In the early days we used to chat all the time, on msn, by text message. Nowadays we see eachother more often but dont cht much on msn and sometimes when were together we dont really chat much. Im always thinking, well could it be that hes up to his old tricks on internet dating sites. Its hard, we live apart and he spends about 3 hours every evening on the internet before coming to my house and I never ever know what (if anything) he is up to.

Hope this makes my situation clearer, all I want to do is trust him and feel confident in myself but at the momnet I view most people as a threat (male and female!) and am always thining Im not good enough for him because of what he did on those sites.

[Petit Papillon]

Hey You, sure You can have a problem but it doesn`t allow You to double post it and make me work if I don`t need to. It`s warning ,if You care to stay here longer.

[xxstarxx]

Ooops, sorry, am quite new here. sorry x

[Petit Papillon]

Don`t worry Enjoy the forum but try not to double post or anything... If someone wants to reply to Your thread,they will find You, it is just annoying when You reply to one post and after few minutes You find the same thread somewhere else. If You have time ,read the rules so You will know what You can or can`t

[lahnnabell]

That is quite a hefty thing to discover. How did you find out about these profiles again? Did you go snooping? You know what they say about those who go looking for trouble... you usually find it.

Do you even feel like a priority in the relationship, or do you think he puts his internet habits first?

[xxstarxx]

Maybe closure as I finally found out on saturday that (a) he was webcamming and getting dirty on the internet whilst dating me a few months ago (something which he'd always denied) and (b) he was also on gay sites, although never did anything physically. I felt better for knowing the truth as he has always told me he hasnt spoken to other women online or cammed since we started dating 14 months ago and although I believed this I always wondered why he was on those sites with profiles up saying he wants to cam/sex talk yet tell me he only went on to look. He said the sites were an addiction that he couldnt stop, he knew it was bad but he couldnt stop himself as he was caught up in it.

Dont know wherre to go from here. I was in a bad way (upset) when he told me saturday yet he called me names and shouted/swore at me when I was in tears. (f* pathetic, stupid b*tch etc) which is a little insensitive after just discoeveing your bf has told you lies for months. The next day he told me how much he loved me and acted as though nothing had happened!!!


No Lahannabel...I didnt go snooping. He has that many passwords on his pc it would be impossible to get on it anyway! If he puts his password in when Im there he makes sure I have covered my eyes or he puts his hand over the keyboard. I found out when I was trying to access a yahoo chat site and typed his user name into the yahoo box to see if it would tell me he was on it. Except it didnt, it came up with about 40 dating sites and sex forums he had used. With pictures of him so I knew he had put them on. Admittedly, after that was discovered I did snoop as he accidentally showed me his password when trying to delete one of the dating websites.

[starbuck]

No wonder you can't you trust him. The guy you're with is totally untrustworthy and an asshole on top of it.

Stop feeling like the problem is your lack of trust and dump him.

[vashti]

Quite honestly, you'd have to be a brain dead idiot to trust him again. You will either have to break off with him, or accept that he WILL continue with this online behavior.