Don't want to love

[MetalPhoenix]

Difficult to choose where to start, but I'll try.

I have been in love a couple of times (and I mean seriously, madly in love). All ended in disaster. None of the girls wanted me.

So for a while I was under the idea that no girl would ever want me. Until I went to a new school. A girl in my class. I resisted at first, but I fell in love again (crap...my mind is weak). But, knowing from experience, I kept my mouth shut and tried to avoid contact. But she turned out really fun, and generally nice to be around. So we started talking more and more. And off course my love for here grew. That I hated. But it's rather difficult to completely ignore a person you see 5 days a week

So during one of our conversations I told her my feelings for her (reluctantly). Expecting a great one-liner along the lines of "I thought we were just friends".

But she felt flattered. She was actually really really great. We went out a couple of times and our friendship grew stronger. After one or two dates I dropped her off at her house and we kissed goodnight (short, simple goodbye kiss, but it was my first kiss ever (I was 23 at the time) ).

Wow...I was so incredibly happy. And I finally enjoyed being in love.
We took things really slow because she has some (rather serious) problems, which I shall not talk about due to privacy reasons.

Unfortunatlly after 3 or 4 weeks she told me she couldn't handle it anymore and needed time to sort her own things out. I was disappointed, but completly understand. I know what she was going through and wanted to give her her space.

Now -a couple months later- it seems that there is no chance of us ever getting back together. I'd do anything for her and I want to give up a lot just to get her back, but it's just not going to happen.

This pain is bigger than all the previous times I've been in love and was turned down combined. Even now I still think of her every day. I still care so much for her (even though we almost never speak to each other anymore)

I just don't want to fall in love anymore. I don't want to "try again". I don't want to meet someone new. The (inevitable) pain is just not worth the risk.

I'm probably alone in this opinion, but for me love has caused me a lot of misery. Those 4 weeks were absolutly amazing, but I cannot ignore the pain.
I just turned 24 and have therefore been alone for 23 years and 11 months.

No more.
Am I alone in this opinion?


English is not my native language, so excuse the errors. If you don't understand something please ask. Thank you for reading

[shheadz]

You sound like a really polite nice guy, so it's too bad things keep turning sour for you. All I can say is the good times makes the pain worth it, and the more it happens, the less it hurts.

[soulsurvivor23]

I have no idea my dude. Right now I feel the exact same way you do. People tell me that it's just because i'm recently coming out of a bad situation, but it's been that way all my life. I had always heard the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" but i'd trade the whole "loved and lost" thing for the loneliness if i could go back in time.

[Spilly]

I know where you coming from and your not alone. I for one love loving, I love being in love and feeling loved. I have just had my heart broke and am feeling kinda like giving up on love but I know in the back of my head that one day I will be in love again, or at least want love again.

[soulsurvivor23]

To me the pain i've felt outweighs the joys.

[lhn]

Its tricky isn't it - to decide whether the pain is worth the love.
For me it depends when you ask me. Sometimes I just think I would rather never go through any of it. Sure the good times were great but the bad times... dang!!!

I suppose it doesn't help that the bad times happen at the end. Its not like it starts off bad and then goes great and your left with a great feeling lol.

Just the hope that you meet that ONE person who you're with until the day you die is enough I suppose to keep you searching and keep you risking the hurt.

The thought of having to go through this a second time is just plain scary. I feel so exhausted from it all. Truely drained.

Metalpheonix... I feel for you. You sound like a decent guy who just gives his heart away way too easy and ends up in the gutter through no fault of your own. Try not to pressurise yourself too much. Sometimes we just can't control how we feel. Otherwise this forum would be pretty empty

[MetalPhoenix]

You sound like a really polite nice guy, so it's too bad things keep turning sour for you. All I can say is the good times makes the pain worth it, and the more it happens, the less it hurts.

I try to be, thanks. The trouble is, I never seem so get further than being "just a (very) good friend"

I have no idea my dude. Right now I feel the exact same way you do. People tell me that it's just because i'm recently coming out of a bad situation, but it's been that way all my life. I had always heard the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" but i'd trade the whole "loved and lost" thing for the loneliness if i could go back in time.

That sounds familiar. I've told a friend of mine pretty much the same story and he said "Keep trying, because you don't know what your missing".

My reply was: "Exactly. And therefore I don't miss it"
Probably not true, but it helps a little

I know where you coming from and your not alone. I for one love loving, I love being in love and feeling loved. I have just had my heart broke and am feeling kinda like giving up on love but I know in the back of my head that one day I will be in love again, or at least want love again.

I liked being in love for a short while, but look at my signature and you understand where I'm coming from

To me the pain i've felt outweighs the joys.

That's where I am right now

Its tricky isn't it - to decide whether the pain is worth the love.
For me it depends when you ask me. Sometimes I just think I would rather never go through any of it. Sure the good times were great but the bad times... dang!!!

I suppose it doesn't help that the bad times happen at the end. Its not like it starts off bad and then goes great and your left with a great feeling lol.

Just the hope that you meet that ONE person who you're with until the day you die is enough I suppose to keep you searching and keep you risking the hurt.

The thought of having to go through this a second time is just plain scary. I feel so exhausted from it all. Truely drained.

Metalpheonix... I feel for you. You sound like a decent guy who just gives his heart away way too easy and ends up in the gutter through no fault of your own. Try not to pressurise yourself too much. Sometimes we just can't control how we feel. Otherwise this forum would be pretty empty

I try not to 'give my heart away' that easy, but it happens. Can't really help it. With this last girl, we both took it really slow and steady. She because of her problems and me because this was the first time I was thát close to someone (just holding her in my arms, watching tv felt sóóó great).

I dont blame her for anything. I still really like her and I completly understand why she wanted to be alone, but for me to come crashing back to reality. That hurt. Now I'm going to try to prevent myself from getting hurt like that again.

[shheadz]

I try to be, thanks. The trouble is, I never seem so get further than being "just a (very) good friend"

I think you're meeting the wrong women. I find it hard to believe that an equally nice girl -- one with an equal amount of dating experience -- would pull the "friends" thing on you. You're probably setting yourself up for disaster time after time by "falling in love" with the wrong women.

You're also too inexperienced to recognize some of the signs that a relationship has no chance of going anywhere, but you invest your mind, body, and soul into the girl anyway. Regarding this last girl... there sure seem to be some signs that it was never going to work out, and if you'd recognized those signs early enough you could have pulled back and avoided a bunch of heart break.

I don't think you should avoid love, you should be more selective with who you give it to.

----
Now it's time to put on the drill instructor hat, and get a little real.. sorry.

Dude.. stop falling in love with every girl that shows you an ounce of attention. You're lonely, so you're prone to falling head over heels with every girl that gives you the time of day. And for gods sake, start f*cking some of these girls. The girls are pulling the friends thing on you because you're treating them like a friend. You think girls want to cuddle, and have long meaningful conversations, etc.. and they do. But they also want to be f*cked long and hard. The "friend zone" is inevitable when you're giving them everything they want except a good hard d!ck.

[MetalPhoenix]

I think you're meeting the wrong women. I find it hard to believe that an equally nice girl -- one with an equal amount of dating experience -- would pull the "friends" thing on you. You're probably setting yourself up for disaster time after time by "falling in love" with the wrong women.

You're also too inexperienced to recognize some of the signs that a relationship has no chance of going anywhere, but you invest your mind, body, and soul into the girl anyway. Regarding this last girl... there sure seem to be some signs that it was never going to work out, and if you'd recognized those signs early enough you could have pulled back and avoided a bunch of heart break.

I don't think you should avoid love, you should be more selective with who you give it to.

----
Now it's time to put on the drill instructor hat, and get a little real.. sorry.

Dude.. stop falling in love with every girl that shows you an ounce of attention. You're lonely, so you're prone to falling head over heels with every girl that gives you the time of day. And for gods sake, start f*cking some of these girls. The girls are pulling the friends thing on you because you're treating them like a friend. You think girls want to cuddle, and have long meaningful conversations, etc.. and they do. But they also want to be f*cked long and hard. The "friend zone" is inevitable when you're giving them everything they want except a good hard d!ck.

I knew what she was going through before we got together, but her situation got worse (boyond her or my control).

I disagree with that last bit. Perhaps I'm born in the wrong century, but I think that sex is for people who are in love with each other and it should mean something. I once heard a guy talk about how proud he was that he kissed (I'm not talking kissing on the cheek here) 4 or 5 girls in one night out. I resent that. Call me old fashioned, I don't care, but I will never go that low.
I stand by my principals and won't change them. If that means I'm going to be single forever, so be it.

"...and kill me again, or take me as I am. For I shall not change. NEVER"

edit: And the reason we never had sex is because we both didn't want it. She because of what she was going through (which is reason enough. Sex should be something special for 2 people and if she doesn't want sex, than I'm not even thinking about talking her into it.
My reason is because I'm scared (yeah I said it.)

[shheadz]

I knew what she was going through before we got together, but her situation got worse (boyond her or my control).

Her having a situation in the first place was the red flag. You have to watch out for women that are only using you as a shoulder to cry on. You're a sensitive guy, and that makes you the perfect guy for a woman to pour her heart out to without worrying you're going to try any funny business. The point being.. your setting yourself up for heartbreak by going after women that will never love you in the way you love them.

I disagree with that last bit. Perhaps I'm born in the wrong century, but I think that sex is for people who are in love with each other and it should mean something.

Being old fashioned doesn't mean you should put your lust in a chest, lock it up, and bury it 20 feet into the ground.

[MetalPhoenix]

Her having a situation in the first place was the red flag. You have to watch out for women that are only using you as a shoulder to cry on. You're a sensitive guy, and that makes you the perfect guy for a woman to pour her heart out to without worrying you're going to try any funny business. The point being.. your setting yourself up for heartbreak by going after women that will never love you in the way you love them.



Being old fashioned doesn't mean you should put your lust in a chest, lock it up, and bury it 20 feet into the ground.

40 feet

Her situation is currently worse than when we were together. She was doing pretty good when we first went out.
She explained everything to me and said she wanted to take it slow. I respect that and never even thought of pushing. I respected her way to much for that. I can't imagine how I could convince her otherwise. Like I said before: Sex should be between 2 people who BOTH want it.

If she says no it's not happening. This has something to do with respect

[shheadz]

I respect that and never even thought of pushing. I respected her way to much for that. I can't imagine how I could convince her otherwise. Like I said before: Sex should be between 2 people who BOTH want it.

I wasn't suggesting you should have tried sleeping with her. I was saying you simply pick the wrong women.

[MetalPhoenix]

I wasn't suggesting you should have tried sleeping with her. I was saying you simply pick the wrong women.

Unfortunatly I cannot control who I fall in love with.

I can, however, control what I do with those feelings...