ex bf not over his ex ex gf but still likes me?

[pinkinterlude]

Okay so I'll be quite blunt with all this otherwise it'll be a massive essay that goes on and on.

Basically me and my boyfriend of 7 months split up a week ago because he admitted he wasnt over his ex and always thought they'd end up back together. (She ended their 3 year long distance relationship by text and refused to talk to him for 2 weeks afterwards!)

This was always in the back of my mind but I never wanted to acknowledge it cos everything other than this was perfect.

A few hours later he text me saying he doesnt know what to do because he feels that he could be ruining things with me and that he feels he could have something more with me. He said he thinks he needs some time to sort his head out and apologised for messing me around.

I text him back saying I understand and that I know none of this was intentional and that although I wish we could have worked out, I hope he figures everything out. That was the last I expected to hear from him for a while. But the next day he text me asking how I was and telling me about his day at work, like he used to.

This has made me confused as although I was upset and hurt, I had kind of prepared myself not to hear from him and then I do so the next day, so now I have all these hopes of getting back with him, and they might not even happen.

I know I sound like a door mat but I really like him and if he was able to actually want to move on and get over his ex and be with me then I would accept that and help him through it.

I just feel that I cant get this idea of a reconciliation out of my head and I know that if it doesnt happen, I'll be setting myself back even further into a load of pain and hurt.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
xxxx

[Gigabitch]

You don't need someone's leftovers. Hold your head up and walk away.

[cmacattack1]

If it's interfering with your relationship, you have to let him know that he wanted to end this, and he can't just talk to you like everything is normal and no big deal. You are pretty much in purgatory, not together but everything else says otherwise. This is the part where the lonliness kicks in and he's probably getting desparate, hence the texts. This will not only not help him deal with his feelings, but pulling you into his baggage too.

You have to remind him that you need space from this too. A good amount of time, not just a day or a week. Get yourself back into doing things that make you happy. I'm not saying kick him to the curb and start dating somebody else immediately. Unless you want to do that. But nothing is going to be solved out of his desparation and lonliness.

I'm still have feelings for my ex, and I just went on a date with a girl last night. She asked me questions about my ex strangely and by my tone she could tell how I felt. It's concerning to me that it might interfere with my appreciation of the new girl so I'm kind of caught in limbo now. I guess I'm saying this because this should be the time that you figure out feelings, not when you are knee deep with another person that really cares about you. What brought these feelings back about his ex? Did she start talking to him again? Has this been a pattern for a while? There must have been some signs to read.

I guess this won't really help you get your mind off it, but don't let him flip flop on the decision. Remind him the next time you talk that this is what he wanted and he can't have you as a cushion the whole time because it isn't fair to you. He'll more than likely come running back. That's when you make sure it's for the right reasons (he cares about you) and not because he's lonely now.

[pinkinterlude]

Thanks I'm trying to, but it's just so hard.

I know that his feelings for her wouldn't go away overnight and I accepted this. But I thought that by wanting to be with me, he was wanting to actually move on and want to get over her. I told him that he needs to either try and talk to his ex gf (as hurtful as that sounds), or actually decide for himself that he wants to and needs to move on.
And as I mentioned, if that was the case and he was able to tell me that then I would accept it and continue our relationship, helping him along the way, but obviously this decision would take a few weeks/months to decide.

He hasnt text for 2 days now so I'm hoping he is beginning to figure all this out. I think all this mess scared him so I probably would believe him if he were to tell me he was ready to.

About his ex, I don't think she has been in contact but then again, he probably wouldnt have told me. As I said he told me she treated him badly and she refused to speak with him afterwards so I dont think they remained friends.

The last time he saw her was in September when he met her to give her her stuff back. But she had said some hurtful things about him and us which he obviously seemed down about. But he seemed fine a few days afterwards, I gave him a bit of space cos I thought it would have all been difficult, but we returned to normal within amatter of days. It was middle of novemeber time that I really began to suspect as he started acting slighty different, still affectionate and such, just a little distant, so I dont know if she had contacted him, or him her, around that time. I think its a case of wanting someone he knows he no longer can have. And at the minute, I can fully understand that
thanks for all your advice.

[cmacattack1]

No problem. I admire your dedication to this and to somebody you care about. Most people might try at first, but their own self interest would lead them to pretty much kick the other to the curb. It's important to understand that you can't help how you feel, and it's really funny how when somebody treats you like dirt, they stick to them like mud.

As you've noticed, his feelings have been very up and down. He did ask you to be his girlfriend maybe when he was at a peak but what happens one day can fluctuate to the next. I'm sorry if I am breeding mistrust between you and him, seeing as how you don't think he would tell you if his ex contacted him. I'm just very curious because it's typical to have an ex cut complete contact with zero closure and then pop up whenever they feel like it (or whenever the other guy doesn't work out). No matter the people and no matter how unique the circumstances seem to be, we are all more or less than same in our behavior and actions.

I can tell you from my personal experience that being on your own is the best time to handle your issues. I had some serious issues when I dated my ex and no matter how much she tried I never really faced them, I had her as a crutch and didn't feel to need to. When she finally got fed up and dropped me, I went through all the panic feelings and said I changed and all that, but when I finally stopped the emotional roller coaster I was on and started thinking logically and seeing for what it was, I was able to identify what went wrong and what things I was doing to cause that. And this was over a period of a few months, and with no contact or support from the ex (as if she would anyway, I don't know why I thought so). The point is that while you want to be there and support him through this, you might actually be doing him a disservice.

Sooner or later he will see what he has with you and that pining over an ex that is gone and wondering what went wrong there without closure is fruitless. Only the ex has the answers and unless she is totally unprovoked and willing to provide them to him, he will not get every answer. When that understanding sinks in, he will have more time and energy to put towards your relationship and fully appreciate you the way you should be appreciated.

[lhn]

Cma covered it all really. Quite perfectly.
The only additional thing I would mention is that even though it sucks to think he is speaking to his ex, this could bring him the clossure he needs. Sure he probably has memories with that ex (how long did they date?) but who doesn't. When I dated my last gf I still had very fond memories of the woman before, but that didn't diminish from the new relationship.
He had the decency to tell you. Another good point. He didn't lie, he didn't cause some horrendous damage to what still might be a good relationship. He approached it maturely and in good taste. In turn, your response was in good taste too. You said he could have the space etc and you're following it through by not texting. You're both being adult and no matter the outcome, thats a great way to be. Both respectful of one another.

If he decides that he is in a position to pursue things with you then great. You know he has decided his ex is not what he wants anymore. You're hiw woman now and thats what matters.

If he decides he can't get over his ex or its not the right time for you guys then you can both hold your heads up and remember the great times you shared. No bad feelings, no hate, no lieing, no cheating etc etc.

Having said that I do know how painful it is. 7 Months together is not a fling. Keep us updated. You sound great and I hope things work out for you.

[pinkinterlude]

So yesterday, after not speaking to him for 2 days, I get a text off him about 8pm saying 'wrap up warm if you're out later, its freezing in town x' which I ignored.

Then an hour later I get 7 missed calls from him and then an hour after that he just randomly turns up at my house. I was literally leaving to go out with my friend after moping around the house for days and he does this.

He asked to talk and said that he wants to be with me and that he wants us to get back together and how his mum says that I am right for him and all his friends like me and hated his ex, telling him to get rid of her. He said I make him happy and he shouldnt let anything get in the way of that.

So he came along out with me and my friend and got absolutely wasted. He was out for drinks after work with his workmates before he had turned up at mine too but seemed okay.

I literally spent all night looking after him and making sure he didnt get himself into trouble. I was supposed to stay at my friends but couldnt because he felt ill so I brought him back with me. He sobered up a lot on the way home and was telling me what a mistake he has made taking me for granted and that he loves me etc.
I thought we were back on and one thing led to another.

When we both woke up the next morning, he obviusly had the mother of all hangovers and said there were somethings he couldnt remember from the night before. I was horrified.
He said he remembered some of the stuff he said to me and that he went to say them to me becuase he had spoken to his friends who reassured him that it was the right thing to do if he wanted to be with me.

We went into town for coffee because I wanted to confront him on his actions. told him that it was a cruel thing to do if he didnt intend on getting back with me as he was saying that he wanted to be with me but was unsure about everything cos of his ex issue. Ive already said to him that as long as he is actually wanting to get over her then I can accept that and support him, as long as he still wanted to be with me.

I told him that I felt stupid and felt like he had used me last night and that he has done the exact same thing his ex did to him. He was nealry in tears by this point and kept apologising but still saying that he does want to be with me.

we then walked about town literally in circles for about an hour and every now and again we'd slip back into talking how we used to, making jokes and such cos we wee nervous. He said that he didnt want to hurt me again and was scared that he didnt have the same amount of feelings for me that I did for him, though he said he does have really really like me a lot even though it was initially me who was trying to not get too attached and him professing his love for me and saying how he's fallen for me. After a while, I thought why am I trying to avoid my feelings for him when we're both happy?

I told him that I dont think he should contact me if he is unsure about us because its not fair on me. And what he did last night was unfair.

He strangely asked if I wanted to go cinema or somewhere else becuase he didnt want to go home and wnated to spend time with me like we used to before this all happened.

I say no that he should go becuase it would be a little weird and he asked if it would be okay to talk later though I am still waiting for his call. I did say to him that I dont like leaving things unfinished and that Id prefer if he just said yes or no.

I thought maybe he was waiting to talk to his ex or something but he said that he doesnt want her back because of how horrible she was to him during their relationship and after the break up about him and us.

I'm not sure what to do, I could see he was really upset but all tihs confusion is making things for both of us worse. I told him that I felt rejected by him because he seems to rather pine of a girl who doesnt want him anymore and treated him so badly and as he says never let him do the things he wanted, and that he's letting her dictate his life still. Ive told him I am willing to help him through this and help him move on if he wants to actually move on, which he says he does, but he said hes scared I'll do the same thing to him that she did. Iwould normally give up by now but I really feel we could have something (i know people say that every day but I believe its true).

He says he has been thinking about what ifs as well and that he does want to be with me but I feel like I put myself out to him as much as can, and have to wait t see what he does, I told him its up to him now to do whats best for him.

anyone have any ideas/advice to anything I talked about? thanks.
xxxx

[lahnnabell]

Hmm... He's still being wishy-washy. I maintain that enough time hasn't gone by yet. He willingly admitted to quoting the lines his friends fed him (though it seems their intentions were good), but it wouldn't feel very organic to me. You want to know that HE wants you back, not just that his friends want him to have a nice girlfriend they don't hate on.

It is totally understandable if you still feel unsure of this right now. What I don't understand is what he is doing to try and deal with this issue of the ex. Have they been in contact, or is he just waiting around for her?

[cmacattack1]

Agreed. I'm guessing by his actions and by how quickly he turned back to you that he is NOT in contact with her. If he was and considering he still has feelings for her, they'd be talking and you wouldn't be hearing from him.

Like she said, you want to make sure it's how he truly feels, not that his parents like you or his friends like you. Those are perks, they aren't bases relationships are built upon. Leaving you seven missed calls and then showing up at your door uninvited is some desparate behavior. Those actions combined with what he is saying, shit even how much he is drinking with you, he is very very very confused and looking for an escape from his pain.

He needs more time. You need more time to yourself and based on how you are handling it right now, you are going to be just fine.

[pinkinterlude]

No I don't think she would get back in touch with him to be honest. He's told me she's from a rich family who sort of looked down upon him, they were kind of from different worlds. And I dont think he would get back in touch with her after the way she treated him. But who am I to know?

He hasnt rang but apparently my friend has been filling him in on last nights events. He's quite a shy reserved person sober but was the complete opposite last night. He has been texting me about that. I'll go along with things for now and be normal and nice to him as usual. He knows how I feel now and Im assuming I know how he does. I suppose if he wanted me out of his life, he wouldnt be texting me. Unless its out of guilt for last night?

Thanks for all your replies and help
xxxx

[lahnnabell]

Well, this puts a slightly different spin on things. So, he's had no contact whatsoever from his ex? He just out of the blue decided that he needed to find out if they would get back together, but never made the move to talk to her, and was never prompted by her? What is he basing all this on then?

He's hanging onto to this dream of being with this very unavailable girl. Sounds like he's quite immature and is interested in pursuing what he cannot readily have. If you want him back, make yourself scarce. Seems to be working for his ex! But be honest with yourself, do you feel like you're going to be able to stick by him after he's flaked on you like this already?

Flaking on your current girlfriend because of a barely existent ex-girlfriend is weird. I think he's just confused and never got enough closure from this ex. He's better off coming to terms with that himself, otherwise you may just be a band-aid for a little while. And band-aids eventually come off.

[pinkinterlude]

As far as I know, no.

They were together for 3 years and lived in different cities. She out of the blue ended it by text and refused to talk to him for a few weeks afterwards. Then when he got with me, pestered him for her stuff back. When he met up with her to give it her back, (him travelling up to her I'll add!), she said some horrible things to him about us. And that she was happy that she didnt have to be stuck with anyone. As far as I know, thats the last he's heard from her.

He was really open at the start about his ex and how it ended, but said that he had a hard time dealing with the break up but that I had made him happy. Although as soon as he mentioned how long they were together for, I did think maybe he might not be over her, even my friends did, but at the time, everything was going good, so I assumed he was ready to move on.

I think some time will do it. I'll be normal if he texts me but I will never initate any contact for a few weeks or so and see if anything changes. He normally works a lot during the week but has next week off which my friend thinks he will probably get in contact more as he has nothing to do other than think about things.

[relationshipad]

I am in the same sort of situation as you..... except am the 'ex' not the current girlfriend. Lol i know u must be like urrgghhh people like you.. but the thing is, ur bf and his ex's got history. history of three years which u can't just erase like that. My ex admitted to me what his current gf does right that i did wrong and what i did right when i was with him and she does wrong. You know, maybe some nice things that she use to do for him, you don't do or maybe he just loves this girl too much. But what am gonna say to you is at least thank God he's come up with this before its way too late. All you can do is wait for him to make his decision. trust me hes very very confused at the moment. Am sure my ex is. but i think it might be easier in my case bcos they only been together for 4 months. U have been together 7 months. A lot longer... so don't think for a second that hes doing this to hurt you. trust me hes hurting as well. Bcos its a situation where hes thinking, is he suppose to appreciate what he had with this girl or recognise a blessing (you)... Its gonna be a tough decison but i wish u the best of luck.. give him space and let him make his decision. Good luck and God bless xx