Its complicated and I need help please..

[coco10]

I got to tell you whats going on with me.. I need your help..
because I feel like I wanna cry shout hit somenone..I dont know.. but here is the story:
Adam, an old friend of mine asked me out in summer.. he is so so nice to me, and has wanted to go out for ages. I wasn't too sure, but I decided I'd take a chance. The problem is that I have another person in the back of my mind. This person says that he really really likes me, but he is a family friend..so I dont think there is a way for both of us. We both know and have discusssed that it just cant happen and is too difficult. On one hand I feel like I'm cheating on Adam by having this person in the back of my mind and its extremely unfair, I even had a dream about him last night, but on the other hand I know Adam will treat me well and I can at least take a chance after everything his done. We talked all the time and not going out with him would be just as unfair.. I figured I should just take the chance and try and make it work. If it ends up I just cant do it, even though I still can't be with him(the other person) either, I at least know that I've tried and maybe when we're older things will work out differently.
Maybe writing this is just making me feel better about the whole thing. And considering your responses, I'm not just going out with him because I want a boyfriend, I really wouldn't mind not having one, I just thought it's worth a go, and with everything that's happened and how much we've talked, the least I can do is give it a try..
So, we spend the summer together and it was cool, I had some feelings for him..however I can admit that it wasn't that BIG LOVE or CRUSH.. :/ but it was Ok, he's been so kind to me, treated me well..
But the problem NOW is, that Adam had to go back to France, he studies there..so we tried to catch up while he was abroad, but I think that after 6 monthes that we haven't seen each other or really talked..makes me sad for him and for myself because its like I have no more feelings towards him..and I don't know if I shall tell him about that because I'm sure that it will break his heart.
He called me today telling me that he'll come next saturday..I just can't explain how I felt when he said that he'll be coming and that he misses me so much and that he feels lonely without me...I don't know I wasn't happy and I wasn't sad either.
I want to tell him that things won't work between us..but I can't.
I feel we are more like friends.We have a lot of fun together in other aspects of life but for me, when it comes to romance and sex, the attraction is really not there at all. Well, I just don’t see him as my type for a romantic partner anymore.
Anyway, I’m torn up with feelings of guilt over wanting something else in life. I feel selfish for being with him for this long and, well, wasting his time..
I'm scared lost sad depressed..
Sorry if I made it too long but I wanted to tell you everything about it..
What should I do?

[irrelevant_89]

I'd say tell him asap. Be nice but firm. There's really no good replacement for the truth.

edit - hopefully the experts will have something to say about how to do it...

[Adrie]

There really is no way else to go about it but to tell him the truth, like irrelevant 89 has said.

On his side of the mind, he loves you and thinks that you love him back. The more you speak to him and open up a day to spend time with him when he's in town, the more you're going to hurt him in the future when you break out the news. The truth.

I don't know how to have you approach him and tell him about your real feelings, but you need to think about when to do it and how soon. Before things get any worse for you both.

I wish you luck, missy.

[coco10]

Thanks guys for your reply.
Thats what I really want to tell him : the TRUTH, about how I feel about him now.
But I'm scared..and I'm sure thats going to break his heart, and I don't want to be cruel because he is very sensitive to this kind of issues...

[Adrie]

I remember my ex revealed her intentions after we broke up. She told me that she wanted to break up with me in the first 2 months or so, but she couldn't. Her reason was she did not want to hurt me in anyway. So she stayed with me dealing with the pain about wanting to leave but also to not hurt me.

After a few months later, when my attachment has grew on her and was ready to give her my everything. She decided to break up with me on Valentines day.
If she did it as early as the first month or so, when my feelings for her weren't as great as the time she broke up with me.. I wouldn't have been depressed for more than 5 months. She simply hurt me bad and I couldn't get over it.

I really don't want you to do the same to this guy.. I have a feeling that he's as sensitive as me back then.
Give yourself a bit of time to think about it when to tell him. And this does not make you cruel.. you are simply not attracted to him in that way and as for him, there's a lot of fish in the sea. There WILL be another woman for him out there that can make him happy as you did.

- Marc

[coco10]

I really appreciate your help Marc..It means so much to me.
I'm sorry about what happened to you..It must be hard. But I think it is good to share one's personal experience in order to help others and learn from it..
And I think that I'm going to repeat the same story: tell him about me feelings, break his heart and make him sad..wish him the best in his future life, and hoping that he would find the right match and someone better than me..
I can't even imagine the conversation..I'd be like a jerk!
However I don't want to lose him as a friend.. and I think it will be hard for him to get that because he took our relation seriously..and I'm too young for such commitment.
But I don't wanna pretend anymore..I feel like I'm having a big load and I want to be free once again..
Besides, I think that once you consider breaking up with your boy or girlfriend , that's when you know there's not much hope.

[Aeradalia]

Nothing worse than being in a one-sided relationship. Trying to make yourself feel something you don't is a close second. No sense in making each other suffer and wasting so much time just for the sake of "being friendly"... yes, you'll hurt him, but you'll hurt him if you let this drag on.

So get it out of you mind that there's a painless way of doing this -- there isn't. You just have a choice between little pain now or more pain later. I would suggest you tell him how you feel and let him know that you will need to break up -- it will be the least amount of pain for him.

Don't rush off chasing this other guy either, lest you jump into another emotionless relationship. Take your time to sort out your feelings, go over in your mind all the possible ways you had gotten yourself into such a relationship and learn from it, and be a little more sure of your feelings before you decide to be with someone again.

It is recommended that you use your sense of logic when in a relationship.... but your heart has to be in it at some point.

[coco10]

You're absolutely right Aeradlia about the fact that there is no painless way for these kind of situations..but I should remind you, I have no other guy that I'm chasing!
And that's what I'm planning to do next time before I get in an other relationship..
BE SURE about MY feelings and follow my heart..
But I've got something very important that I'd really want to ask about:
Adam will return back home this Saturday and maybe we will go out together so should I tell him right away that I want to break up with him or should I wait for another time?
And should I give him back the necklace he gave to me???

[Aeradalia]

It would be tasteful to return the necklace... if he refuses, don't press the issue.

I would recommend telling him that you two need to talk, it's important... that will keep him from going out together... then getting the news... and feeling even worse.

Try to part on friendly terms if you can... but if it doesn't, then just accept it.

[SirWagginston]

I remember my ex revealed her intentions after we broke up. She told me that she wanted to break up with me in the first 2 months or so, but she couldn't. Her reason was she did not want to hurt me in anyway. So she stayed with me dealing with the pain about wanting to leave but also to not hurt me.

After a few months later, when my attachment has grew on her and was ready to give her my everything. She decided to break up with me on Valentines day.
If she did it as early as the first month or so, when my feelings for her weren't as great as the time she broke up with me.. I wouldn't have been depressed for more than 5 months. She simply hurt me bad and I couldn't get over it.

I really don't want you to do the same to this guy.. I have a feeling that he's as sensitive as me back then.
Give yourself a bit of time to think about it when to tell him. And this does not make you cruel.. you are simply not attracted to him in that way and as for him, there's a lot of fish in the sea. There WILL be another woman for him out there that can make him happy as you did.

- Marc

This is all kind of like something that happened to me, too. It's funny to see the whole story from the other side, eh?

[coco10]

Actually this can happen to any one of us since we all are human..