Scared Probably For No Reason

[ltricks]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 5 months now. We are both 33, she has three boys 9, 12, 14, and I have 3 , 2 boys 2 and 9, and a daughter that's 11. She just finalized her divorce in November, and mine will be final in June. When we first started dating, we were both in situations that needed to be fixed within our personal lives. She was still married, but she had pretty much called it quits 3 or 4 years ago, and her marriage had been on a decline since 2002. However, from '02 until the present, her ex had done many horrible things, and if you think you know what the ultimate betrayal is, he did one thing 10 times worse. In addition to that, he is living under a false name, and he is wanted in his home state. He is looking at 5 years. She pretty much stayed with him out of convenience, and at times they would consider themselves "working things out", and a few months later he would be doing the same thing again.

Pretty much, he would be "good" for a month or two, and then go back to dogging her out and beating her self-confidence down. It got to a point where she would work 11-7, and then 7-3, and sometimes 24 hours to keep her and her kids afloat, while he sat around doing nothing. Well it got to the point where he was conveniently there for the kids, so she never did anything toward divorce because him being there helped her as far as work is concerned, and so she could go out and have fun. She dated another man during this time, and her ex would always say things like, "It's not going to work". Later it was found out that this guy was married, and while is wife was at sea he would be living as a single man. My girlfriend and this guy were in a "relationship" for about 3 years, and she said he had the gift-of-gab, and tried to sell her pipe dreams. She didn't love this guy, nor did he meet any of her family. She said she really didn't see a future with him, but he was an escape from her life at home. After this was found out, she was suckered into "working it out" again with your ex-husband, and with the same results in the end, nothing.

A year later, we meet, we are crazy about each other and we realize things in each other that if we would've realized at a younger age, we wouldn't be in this predicament. We are in love.

Now here are the issues. When we first met she said she was scared, she would lose me because she kept taking this man back in the past. I told her if you have been with him on an emotional level for the past year and a half, I know we are good. So out of nowhere with no suggestions of pushing from me, she filed for divorce and got it a few weeks later. At this point, she took a big step, but, during this time her ex was still in the house. The first few times she asked him to leave, he tells their 3 kids, and the way he told them was not at all tactful. So he stays for a few more weeks, until she gets totally fed up and he leaves for good. Coming by time to time to see the kids and he then he leaves.

Before she could pretty much leave anytime she wanted to, to come see me because the kids dad was in the house. Now it is a little more complicated. Every time she leaves now the kids question where she is going, and she feels bad because they will say something like, "Awww mom, I thought you were going to stay home with us", and she doesn't want to have to call their dad because right now, she doesn't want him to think she depends on him for anything, except being a father to their children. She feels guilty, but at the same time she wants to see me

Since he left we don't see each other as much as we used to, and we agreed beforehand that we knew this was going to be the case. This morning she said she felt like she was neglecting me, and that she doesn't feel she is dating material right now, although she is still in love with me, and she wants to build a future with me. She says she doesn't want anyone else, she just doesn't like the feeling of feeling obligated to find time to see me.

In the end we both agreed that we can have a relationship, but not see each other as often as we used too, until I meet the kids and she gets her household issues (finances, bills, etc) in line. She hasn't introduced me to the kids for 2 reasons. One is because she doesn't want them to think she left their dad for another man. The other is because my divorce won't be final until June, actually, I can't file until June, and she is scared of me not only breaking her heart, but the hearts of her children.

She says sometimes, she wonders if her patience is being tested, even though she knows the time constraints are out of my hand. I have to legally wait until June.

I really don't want to lose her, I love her so much, but I want to know do you think this can last? How does she find time between to be with me, and find time to be with the kids? How can I assure her completely that I am going to file for divorce? Also, it's like the flame is still there but something is trying to extinguish it, how do I fight that thing? At times, I get a little scared that she will say, that she is not good enough, and that I deserve better. How do I keep this relationship going strong?

Again, we are still together, but this is really bothering me and scaring me. I understand that she wants to be there for her boys because she wasnt there much before due to the fact she was working her butt off, but I am ok with that, as long as we are an item while she is doing it.

[IncognitoSir]

Well, I think you guys made the right decisin by you not meeting her kids just yet. Both her and her kids are in a very fragile state right now so a new guy in the mix wouldnt go over so well with the kids and would probably negatively effect your relationship with her in the end. The reason you're scared is because you're looking for stability in this relationship, but at the same time you realize that's not possible now. Even though that's what both of you are working toward, it is a constant struggle. It's gonna take a lot of patience on your part man. It won't be an easy task, but if you love her, it'll definitely be worth it. It sounds like she really cares about you but has some other issues she needs to sort out first before she can tackle her love interst with you. I think you should give her a lil room to sort things out, but always be there for her. It's only a matter of time before shes going to need your help, and if you're not there, that only leaves the dead beat dad. I think patience is going to be the primary player in this ordeal. Her boys may ride shotgun for a while while you're on the back burner. This will hurt.......a lot, but you have to realize, her kids come first. Just be sure not to pressure her into choosing between her kids and you. I say be careful because even though you may not intend to do that, it sometimes happens unintentionally through the way you act. You sound like a good guy though, I wish you and her the best bro. G'luck!