Please help me stay out of the "Friend Zone"!

[LailaK]

Howdy,

Just shopping around for a bit of advice on flirting.

I'm more of a passive female when I get to know a guy. I usually wait for him to make the first, second and third move before I'm comfortable being affectionate and romantic. Because of this, in the past, I've been labeled "An awesome girl" and "A great friend" by some guys in who I really would have rather had a romantic relationship with.

Do any of you have any tips on flirting and letting a guy know I'm interested if the guy is more gentlemanly or not very aggressive?

I've been casually seeing some guys but I've made my decision that I definitely like one way more than the others. We have so much in common. We're both outgoing and love sports, we're both kind of geeky and love sci-fi/fantasy stuff, I'm also super SUPER attracted to him. I'm worried that we get along so well that before long he'll start to see me as an "awesome friend, so cool that I'm like one of his boys" and I DON'T want that to happen!!!

Any tips on how to heat it up without running him away and without me looking like a ho?

Thanks,
L

[shheadz]

I don't think there's a cut and dry solution for staying out of the friend zone, LailaK. I've only ever had one true female friend, and it's because she wasn't particularly attractive, she dressed kind of frumpy, and she acted like one of the guys.

Not being "one of the guys" is a matter of expressing your female sexuality. In between sports talk, and debating who was the better Enterprise captain; Shatner or Stewart, you could just pause, look at him in the eyes, and say something like "You've got really sexy eyes."

There are other less aggressive ways to flirt. My ex could get me to do just about anything by being typically female. If she asked me to do something for her, and I scoffed and asked why I should, she'd turn away, look over her shoulder, and say, "Because you think I'm sexy", and then she'd walk away giggling. It's childish, but also very flirtatious, and a little exciting. That's the kind of stuff that made me stop seeing her as another girl at work, and someone I wanted to um.. get to know better.

[SirWagginston]

Give all of your guy friends surprise kicks to the testicles. Guys will never look at you as a friend, again!

There are other less aggressive ways to flirt. My ex could get me to do just about anything by being typically female. If she asked me to do something for her, and I scoffed and asked why I should, she'd turn away, look over her shoulder, and say, "Because you think I'm sexy", and then she'd walk away giggling. It's childish, but also very flirtatious, and a little exciting. That's the kind of stuff that made me stop seeing her as another girl at work, and someone I wanted to um.. get to know better.

Haha, that does sound childish. My ex would say something like, "I need your big strong arms; I can't move it!"

Well, dammit. Now I have to. Something in the helpless tone.

[LailaK]

Thanks Shheadz! I'm going to take your advice and see how it goes.

[Sanctuary]

As long as he finds you physically attractive and there isn't anyone else, you'll never truly be in the friend zone for a guy.

Guys don't have friend zones; you're hot or you're not.

[LailaK]

@Sanctuary, are you sure? I'm pretty sure I've been put into the friend zone before.

He's still talking to me so I guess he finds me attractive, but it's all about guy stuff or geeky stuff. There is probably someone else, we're only casual and I don't get the vibe that he's THAT into me. I'll try flirting and see what happens.

[Nice Lover Boy]

Friends flirt with friends all the time.
When you want to stay out of the friend zone, you start hanging out outside of the friends group that way you can send the guy a freaking hint.

[Primo]

Sanct speaks the truth LailaK

[KerryLou82]

@Sanctuary, are you sure? I'm pretty sure I've been put into the friend zone before.

He's still talking to me so I guess he finds me attractive, but it's all about guy stuff or geeky stuff. There is probably someone else, we're only casual and I don't get the vibe that he's THAT into me. I'll try flirting and see what happens.

Ha! No, with men it's not simply a case of being 'hot' or 'not', although men like to believe they really do make it that simple. Take this from a girl who gets dumped by guys who then seem to insist on staying friends afterwards.

It's quite simple. Yes, it is firstly a case of are you 'hot' or 'not'. If 'hot' then it proceeds.

If 'hot', is she the hottest on offer at the moment? By that, it means is there another girl he's eyeing up or flirting with who is more attractive? If 'no', then it proceeds.

Does she have any unwanted baggage? A strict family, kids, a lingering ex, has she dated a friend of his? If no, then it proceeds.

Is she better than him? Men do not want competition in the areas they consider their strengths, not even with a partner. I'll describe this in a better way. What is a man's idea of a woman with a good sense of humour? A woman who laughs at their jokes. What's a woman's idea of a man with a good sense of humour? Someone who makes her laugh. So if a man considers his wit a strengh, he is unlikely to want a girlfriend who everyone thinks is much funnier than him. Competition is fine with a friend, but not with a girlfriend. But if he doesn't consider his wit a strength then it wouldn't matter if his girlfriend was funnier. This applies to any of his characteristics he considers a strength. If she's not better than him, then it proceeds.

What benefits will he get from progressing this friendship into a relationship? This could vary and you'd have to know what he likes and wants out of life before you can judge this, but a man is unlikely to ruin a beneficial friendship for a relationship that is not likely to benefit him. An example of this could be (and often is), as his 'hot' female friend, you may be introducing him to your other 'hot' female friends that he can socialise with - but if he gets into a relationship with you, all your 'hot' friends become out of bounds. Benefits could also include something as shallow as whether a girl has her own apartment if he doesn't, or her own car if he doesn't, or if she has a parent who runs a business in an industry he wants to enter into.

If the benefits of being a boyfriend outweigh the benefits of being a friend, then that's pretty much when he's yours.

[TheWizard]

@Sanctuary, are you sure? I'm pretty sure I've been put into the friend zone before.

He's still talking to me so I guess he finds me attractive, but it's all about guy stuff or geeky stuff. There is probably someone else, we're only casual and I don't get the vibe that he's THAT into me. I'll try flirting and see what happens.

This is more accurate then not accurate. It's not 100%, but it's sort of like condoms.. they only guarantee it will work 99.8% of the time. I've put a handful in the friendzone before, but this is because I didn't find them attractive anymore. Either something in their personality or they were dating some other guy and put on like 80 lbs then became single.

Sounds cold hearted and piggish, but then we are men after all. Our biology states we're looking for mates based on what we find physically attractive (Note that this is different man to man, some like red heads, others like freckles or small boobs... leg men and ass men etc) - just like women are looking for someone to take the lead and be a man. If she's on my "to do" list I will always be open to her advances . If she's not... she'll get the cold shoulder to stop it in its tracks.

EDIT: Shheadz makes a valid point. A woman is attractive because of her femininity and not because she can kick ass at Modern Warfare 2 and belch better than you.

[shheadz]

I think LailaK has a slightly different problem than falling into the friend zone. She's being seen as "one of the guys" which is slightly different from the FZ. You can be an attractive female, and fall into that category. It can be difficult to be sexually attracted to a woman that's chugging a beer, and screaming at the referee for his latest bad call.

[lahnnabell]

I seem to have the opposite problem. Most guys jump to the conclusion that my extroverted nature is a clear indication that I am being flirtatious on purpose. I am just naturally verbose and flirty and I don't always mean it romantically. I smile and laugh a lot without needing much prompting and I've been told that I am easy to talk to. I enjoy such compliments, but I realize that the men I encounter see at as much more.

I try to distinguish guys by turning on the charm. It's essentially like I'm fishing, I guess. Eye contact is standard for me in conversation, but if I'm really into a guy I might let my eyes linger on a particular feature I find attractive on his face. Lips, eyes, smile, etc. This exudes confidence on my part and, as we all know, confidence is attractive.

Even if you do decide to let the guy make the first few moves, help him out by letting him know you are receiving his advances. If he touches you, find a way to gently touch him. Lean in when he's talking to you. Lick your lips or play with your jewelry (this will guide his attention to your face/body in a very non-threatening way).