Help with a complicated friendship?

[thewhiterabbit]

I hope I'm in the right section of the site for this. I also apologize for this being so long, but I feel the information is essential to understanding our relationship.

My best friend and I have never actually dated (not on a normal definition of the term anyway) in the 4 years that we've known each other. We met online (on myspace) when I was 18 and in my last semester of high school, and he was 23. We flirted online a lot before graduating to talking on the phone and then within just a week of talking on the phone we met in person. Before we met we'd stay up all night talking and talking and talking. 6 and 7 hours at a time some nights. To the point that I almost failed my last semester of high school (and I was an A student before this) from lack of sleep. We ended up having sex the second time we met. Over the next 3 months (going into the summer before my first year of University) we continued talking and seeing each other as much as possible. Sometimes we'd spend all day chatting online, then talking on the phone all night with seeing each other thrown in on occasion. I, honestly, thought at the time that we were "dating", but I soon found out that he had a girlfriend that lived about an hour away. They were having problems, so I decided to stick around in case something happened between them even though they'd been dating for almost 3 years at this point.

I left for University that August ('06), but I didn't have a car and was almost 2 hours away so we didn't see each other the entire 9 months of my first year. We still talked every single day and almost every night. The first semester I managed to keep this in check so that i could maintain good grades, but the second semester we talked so often I would miss classes to get sleep. I ended up getting two FA's (failures to attend) causing me to lose my scholarship. Instead of opting to go back the next semester to work hard and get my scholarship back, I dropped out of school so that I could be near him again. I moved out of my mom's house that summer (now the summer of '07), got an apartment, and a car.

At this point he and I are seeing each other almost every day even though we're sneaking around to do so. Things continue on in this fashion for several more months. Probably in the beginning of '08 he starts introducing me to his friends and family, so that we can hang out more. At this point our friendship has grown to a point that we both know EVERYTHING about each other. Things that neither of us would ever dare tell anyone else. The bond that we have over this and our situation is still extremely strong. Both of us to this day come to each other with all of our problems, even when they're about each other. He introduced me to his girlfriend, but she could always tell there was something between us. We tried to be friends, but it was a very turbulent friendship. I'd say something that would prove I knew more about him than she did (not on purpose by any means) and she'd refuse to speak to me for weeks. I told him that I felt more for him than just friends multiple times after coming back from University, but he always said that he didn't feel by me like that. Until April of '08 anyway.

In April, I started seeing a guy that we both worked with. A mutual friend, but also someone I had went to school with and had crushed on for years before meeting my best friend. We lasted maybe a week before my friend got so jealous that he stopped speaking to me. When I confronted him about it he said that he didn't want me with anyone else, and after I pushed him to find out why he said he was in love with me. He told me how he couldn't leave his girlfriend because he had feelings for her too, so he'd always tried to repress his feelings for me. He told me how much of a hypocrite he was being, and how I could do whatever I wanted. Of course, even with him saying he wasn't going to leave his girlfriend, he'd given me almost everything I'd ever wanted from him, for him to say "I love you". I stopped seeing the guy (who to this day won't even look in my direction because he thinks I used him), and my friend and I continued on in a very newly wed sort of way for a few months. Something I'd never experienced with him even though we'd been doing this for 2 years now. Soon after, he started treating me differently. Like he had before. Not bad, just not...special. When I asked him about it he said that he'd been mistaken about being in love with me. He'd confused never wanting me out of his life for love.

So we continue on as if the last few months had never happened (with the exception of me breaking down on occasion and pushing him away only to come crawling back) until the very beginning of the summer of '09. His girlfriend broke up with him because at this point they'd been together for 6 years, and he still refused to marry her. He was upset for a month or so, but he soon started to get over it. At this point we had the best friendship I could ever hope for. We hung out all the time. His parents would invite me to dinner and family functions. I'd go to his house after work almost every night. We had the kind of friendship I'd always wanted, one without fear of the wrong person finding out we were hanging out. Of course, we hung out before in public but we only did so in large get togethers and kept a good distance between us for the most part. Then comes August of '09.

I'd decided to go back to school, so I switch to night shift at my job. All of a sudden this girl from night shift starts asking me questions. "Are you and (my friend) dating?" "you'd be such a cute couple" "Why aren't you dating?" "Does he have a girlfriend?" I started realizing she was interested, but she didn't seem like someone my friend would go for so I told him about it joking around with him. He said she'd been acting creepy toward him at work and stuff. I told him she was a nice girl and she was probably just nervous around him (not thinking he'd go for it AT ALL). He eventually invited her over to his house on my urging to hang out with our friends in a big group setting. He didn't want to, but I told him he was being a jerk by not trying to be friends with her. He invited her over, and she came. I ended up having to leave that night pretty early. They'd barely talked so I figured she'd leave soon, but she ended up staying the night (as many people normally do at his house). The next day my friend and I were supposed to hang out but he was nowhere to be found. Late into the night he contacts me to see if I'm still hanging out with him. I find out then that he was at her house all day. They'd hit it off after I left really well. Apparently, I'd made her uncomfortable.

So they start dating. We barely hung out. When we did we'd try not to have sex, but it generally happened anyway. They eventually break up 2 months after dating because he wanted to go see his friend play at a bar one night and she found out before he did that his ex would be there too. He decided to go anyway, and she got pissed off. He, of course, comes crying to me about how in love he was with her, and how he'd never felt like that before. Now she's constantly texting him just to hurt him saying how much she loves him but that they'll never be together and such. AND he's found another girl. One that he's lying to about having ended things with the other girl completely (even though he's still begging her to marry him) and about things between he and I being over (because this girl is a mutual friend that I confided in). She's left her boyfriend of the last 3 years to be with him, but he's still messing around with me and trying to get the other girl back.

There've been other things to go on, but this should give the general gist of the our friendship. He really does care about me, but not in the way I want him to. If there was no sex or feelings involved we'd be the best friends anyone could ever ask for. We help each other financially and emotionally. We have a great time hanging out with each other. I just feel like after investing so much time and energy into this it should be more than what it is. I feel like at the very least we should have tried dating. It's not like it would hurt me worse to try things and them not work out. I don't think I can be hurt worse than he's hurt me so far. I know part of it is just that he's selfish and doesn't really know what he wants. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I should tell both of his exes and the new girl everything as a way to burn the bridge between us. To keep me from crawling back to him just like every time I've seperated myself from him in the past. I know it would take him hating me to truly just let everything go, and I know that would make him hate me. It's the only thing that would make him hate me. But I don't know what to do, at all. It hurts so much to be around him. To see all the girls he'd rather be with than me. To help him up when they hurt him. But on the other hand it hurts even more to try to be away from him. Just last night after we'd fought all weekend he came over and hugged me and asked if I was still his best friend. I answered yes, but how can I keep this up without hurting myself even more?

[thewhiterabbit]

Guess this is too long for anyone to read. sorry

[Gigabitch]

Wall.
Of.
Text.

It's not that it's too long, it's that you need to use more paragraphs. I got a little seasick looking at that thing.

[thewhiterabbit]

Well can I edit it or do I need to make a new post?

[thewhiterabbit]

I edited it. I hope that makes it easier. I'd really like some advice. Other than some about how stupid I am, I already know this.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my freaking God. I'm a little nauseated by your story, and I mean that literally.

He's a bad, bad guy and you're his fool. I know you know this but you don't seem to be able to break the ties and walk away. I don't know what to say. The truth is, nobody can help you if you won't help yourself. Are you ready to do that?

[Gigabitch]

I wish you could see you the way I see you. You got a scholarship to college and you were a straight-A student before this parasite attached himself to your soul and began to suck the life out of you. Your parents must be so confused and heartbroken over what has become of you. You said you went back to school. How's that going?

You probably don't want to hear this, but this guy is not really your friend. You can make as many excuses for him as you want and say he's just confused or that he doesn't know what he wants, but from my point of view, he's been using you from day one. He's feeding off your admiration and the emotional closeness he can have with you without having any responsibility to you at all.

He's a liar and a cheater and a sleazy little weasel. How can you love someone who is so... icky?

[thewhiterabbit]

I don't know why I love him. I've wished for the last few years that I'd never have met him. I love him, but I hate him at the same time. I think on a constant basis that I'm ready to just let things go. In fact, Friday morning when he was supposed to come over here I messaged him to tell him that no matter how I felt about him it wasn't good for me to be around him. That I needed to get on with my life. He messaged me to say "ok, I understand. Just remember you're still my best friend no matter what". That lasted until Saturday night when I found out where he was and who he was with and got pissed off. I shouldn't have done that. I know. After arguing with him that time I told him again I couldn't do it. Sunday I just had a mental breakdown and practically begged him to come over and talk to me about things. I don't know why I can't seem to pull away. I know part of it is because most of my friends live hours away, and I don't have a car at the moment. He's the only one still in this tiny town I grew up in that I want to socialize with. I'm a lot different than the people around here. I live in a small country town, and that's not me at all.

As far as school, I got sick last semester, missed a lot of work, and couldn't afford to make the 1 1/2 hour commute. I ended up having to drop the classes because of money. I'm taking classes online this semester and it's going well, so far.

[thewhiterabbit]

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm weak. I wish I knew how to be stronger. I think that's why when I'm in my right mind I think about telling everyone everything because I know I wouldn't be given the opportunity to be weak and come back if I did.

[Gigabitch]

It's good that you got pissed! You have every right to be.

Does anybody in real life know about this guy's hold over you?

[lhn]

Listen to Giga.

@ OP... serously, being in love can suck BIGTIME. Love is blind, you are blind, and this guy is a prick.
One of my best friends dated a girl on the net... she lived in Norway (him in the UK)... it was one of the most stressful and awful experiences of his life.
What happens is you build up this image of someone online. You paint a picture and you see the good things... its not like they'll show you the bad is it?!
Then you meet up and ofcourse, you have to act like your online accomplice.
Then you fall in love blahblahblah... unfortunately, someone often gets hurt. Cos while they were sitting in their chair on the net chatting, they were getting excited that something magical was happening. That the whole 'finding love on the net' thing was happening to them.
The other person (ie. scumbag bloke you fell for) is juggling girls like a clown juggles skittles. He's happy that he has this network of woman falling all over him. His ego sky rockets and the prospect and getting to have 'honeymood periods' with you all makes him drool.

I'm so sorry you have fallen for someone who will never make you happy. He's an ars, but you already knew it before you came on here.
I could smother you in sympathy for the situation you've found yourself in but you need help, and that wont do it.

You have got to cut this one off. I'm sorry that thats the answer but you just do. You have got to find someone who will show you respect. Proper respect. You're a woman with needs, not a woman to satisfy some pathetic bloke who hasn't got the first idea about how to be a gentleman.

Sorry for rant but it's pricks like him who always seem to get the nice ones

At no stage should you ever forget you deserve to be happy.

[SamFrmMelbourne]

thewhiterabbit, acknowledging that you're weak is a good start. From your story, it seems that you've made your life revolved around this guy. You sacrificed school, scholarship, moved out of town to get closer to him. And that isn't how you should live your life!

If I were you, I would cut all contacts with this guy. Loneliness will set in, yes, but without his presence clouding your clarity, you will get to see the truth. Ask yourself, what do you want to become in the next 10 years? Do you want to be this guy's escape hatch forever? Don't you have other things in life to pursue and you wouldn't want to sacrifice just to be with him? Career, family time, friendship?

There are many discoveries that await you in this life. Don't let this guy get in your way! Move on with your life and yo will find someone who deserves you more than him.

[thewhiterabbit]

Thank you guys. I have told people about what's going on. I actually hate to admit this, but I overdosed in late October because of all of this. Not really all because of him but just the fact that I've given up so much for nothing. I'll never have the same chances again, and it's all so overwhelming sometimes. I was seeing a therapist about the issue ever since the incident, but I wrecked my car about a month ago therefore I haven't had a way to go recently. I honestly don't think he tried to hurt me at any point. I wish I did. It would make things soooo much easier. He's done more for me than all of my other friends (some of them I've had for 7 or 8 years) combined.

I'm not trying to make excuses, though I'm sure it appears that way. I'm just trying to explain why it's so hard to just walk away. I feel like I'm being a bad friend because I know how much it would hurt him. I don't know why I even think about his feelings. I shouldn't. I know this, but I don't like hurting anyone. Hell, I'm so passive I was a vegetarian for 9 years to keep from hurting things. It's just not in my nature. I just need to "get some balls" and deal with it, I guess.

[SamFrmMelbourne]

thewhiterabbit, I understand how much influence he has had on your life. But I've also learned that nothing is constant. Probably he was that one friend who was there for you when your friends were not, but people change, for the better or for the worse. It doesn't even seem he realises about what the harms he's done to you.

Ask yourself this question, is he still the right friend for you after all the things he's done to you? Isn't now the time to stop him from making you sacrifice more things in your life?

From your posts, you seem to be a naturally good person. Do what you have to do and don't dwell on your decision. I'm confident things will get better for you.

[cmacattack1]

I feel like I could be you if I ever thought I was capable of loving somebody in my high school and college years and I met that right person. My whole life I have put my friends and everybody over myself, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's all a balance and making sure you aren't losing yourself along the way. Maybe you weren't the most popular person at your high school or college, but it taught you to cherish the relationships you did have with people and I'm sure you more or less treat everybody well even when they don't deserve it. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's just a hunch I have.

This relationship has gone on long enough. How much more are you willing to lose to keep this going? You've given up everything you have going for you in this life and all he has done has taken it for granted and not truly appreciated you. I'm not saying that he is doing this on purpose and trying to be malicious, but he is very spoiled and is acting selfish and all you are doing is enforcing this behavior.

After all this time you realize that there are problems, what he is doing is wrong, and that you are powerless in how you feel. You are powerless in how you feel, but you are in complete control of your actions. Look at everything you have done so far. Has it gotten you any closer to what you wanted? You felt like it was the right thing to do, but too often do our emotions and our logic intertwine and they leave us doing pretty incoherant things. If it hasn't worked for you for this long, why do you keep doing it? You are going to be a mental patient if you think that if you continue to do this, there will be a miraculous change and different results.

There are so many lessons here.

-Never put a relationship you have with someone over yourself. While it's important to give your partner what you have to offer and love fully, you have to be both on the same level and both willing to do that. You have to have balance in your life so that you are your own person and that if the relationship doesn't work, you can stand on your own two feet. You feel like you are so dependant on him for happiness and all he has brought you is misery with good times peppered in there. I cannot believe you have tolerated it for this long.

-Actions speak louder than words. He had a girlfriend of three years and then decided to talk to you and hook up with you and even after you learned of this, you thought it was okay. It's cowardly, to have one with the fear of losing the other. No matter what he said about his main girlfriend, look at what he was doing. Having your cake and eating it too is bullshit, it's selfish.

Look at how he acted when you were seeing somebody else and he lashed out with desparation and dropped the "I love you". I have to tell you my stomach bottomed out when I read that. He used that to keep you around and have you for his own selfish wants and needs regardless of how it was making you feel and think. It made me physically sick to treat the most sacred bond two people can have between each other as a weapon to keep you around until he had somebody else.

-We all want something we can't have. When he finally had you he didn't treat you bad, but it just wasn't the same. The bored, satisfied, lack of effort lacidaiscal relationship. When he was losing you to somebody else, he tried his best to chase after you and tell you he loved you. He got you back, and it was back to normal, ho hum, I'm confused about love blah blah. Does that sound like love to you?