Afraid To Show My Faults

[shheadz]

There's a lot of talk here at LF about the walls we put around ourselves, and how they destroy the relationships in our lives. My biggest wall is a fear of letting people see my flaws. Even writing this here makes me feel weak and vulnerable. But this is the anonymous internet, right?

The fear is bad enough that I keep everyone in my life at arm's length. I'm afraid of letting anyone get too close, or else they'll see the cracks in my amour. They'll see just how weak and insecure I really am. I know that all sounds a little silly, and that's exactly why I don't like talking about this stuff with anyone. I don't want to be judged, or thought of as being weak.

I'm preparing for a move to NY next month, which is typical of me. I move to a different state every few years. I'll completely break off contact with everyone I know here. I won't let new friends or coworkers know too much about me. And just when people start getting close to me, I'll pack up my sh!t and do it all over again.

I don't know where this complex comes from, or quite how to get rid of it. I'm writing this post here because I've made some friends at LF that have some very high walls around themselves. I just want them to know they're not alone in feeling this way.

[lahnnabell]

Most of these complexes develop thanks to our parents. We learn much from how our parents decided to raise us. My mother provided me with a lot of verbal support and loving gestures (hugs, cuddling on the couch). This in turn has lead me to desire a relationship with a man that can provide those things.

It's difficult to train ourselves to think/feel differently. You hold others at arm's length because that is most likely how your parents raised you. I'm sure they loved you, but they may have never known how to show it due to how they were raised.

Do you want to change this about yourself? If you do it will take time and immense scrutiny of your own actions. But if you want it, you can do it

[tropigal82]

Hi Shheadz....

Are you cancerian by any chance??? ;-) Just wondering haha. It's interesting isn't it... we put up our walls to protect ourselves and yet we end up damaging ourselves and those around us. We are so busy trying to protect ourselves from the percieved 'enemy' outside our walls, yet we forget that really it is the enemy within that is our greatest threat. I remember a time when I had no walls around me, when love was easy and innocent and carefree.... that was before the first 'spear' went through my heart and caused me to build a few defences. And then a few more. And more. Until these walls have grown so tall they cast a shadow over your capacity for love.... are we too afraid to let the light in? That we know the light fades and darkness comes, yet the sun always rises on a new day.... is it faith, or is it physics? And that we know love will ebb and flow like the tide, it rushes in and then it recedes, sometimes quickly, sometimes gracefully, but it always returns.

There is a saying "that which we fear, we become." To fear rejection, lonliness, hurt, disappoinment, is to become rejected, lonley, hurt and disappointed. Perhaps the only answer is to fear nothing, demolish the walls that entomb us and accept defeat. For maybe when we relinquish all our fears, throw away our armour, we can start to love and be loved.

It is not always easy. The guy I've been dating for 5 months has built some serious walls around himself. One of the first things he said was "I've been hurt so many times that its difficult to let my guard down." I said, I too was in the same position. A few times he did let his guard down, and we experieced beautiful moments of openness and lovingness. But now his guard has gone back up, whilst mine is still down. This is difficult. I am willling to take the risk of being hurt, because "if you never try, you never know". I am willing to let my guard down. But he is not, it seems, willing to take the chance of being hurt, even though I would never hurt him. It is sad, the potential for a beautiful and wonderful relationship is hindered by fear, thanks to past hurts.

If only he could see, and you too Shheadz, that like boulders that carve a deep scar through the rivers of your emotion, your past capacity for pain and disappointment has only carved a deeper, fuller capacity for love and tenderness.

[shheadz]

I've still got a lot of thinking to do. I really don't want to be like this anymore, which is one of the reasons I decided to write that post. It's time to start exposing myself a bit.

The breakup with the ex really shook me up. I feel like I've been in a coma for years, and I'm only now waking up. She very quickly became the most special person in my life, and I lost her because neither of us would let down our defenses. Our relationship ended up dying on the vine. I don't want that to happen again. It's time to start tearing down some walls, or I'm afraid I'll never have any meaningful relationships in my life.

[ecojeanne]

you sound scary to me. what have you got to hide is my question to you?

[shheadz]

you sound scary to me. what have you got to hide is my question to you?

How do I scare you? I don't have anything to hide except weakness. I grew up in an environment where showing weakness was forbidden. My great grandfather committed suicide during the great depression, which left a single mother and five daughters to fend for themselves. They had to grow up very fast, and be strong.

My mom was kicked out of the house when she got pregnant with me at 18. I have no clue who my dad is. She had to grow up very fast, and be strong. These traits have been passed on to me. Add to that four years in The Marine Corps, where showing fear is the greatest of all sins, and you can understand why I always need to maintain an image of strength, confidence, and security.

[ecojeanne]

well i reckon you just opened up

[QueenofCorona]

I understand where you're coming from. Its very hard letting your guard down or feeling as though you'll be judged for possible weaknesses, but don't sell yourself short by shutting possibly great people out. I grew up in a somewhat similar type family although I grew up with a bulimic mother and sister and my dad made horrible comments about my mothers body. Obviously you come out of environments like that with some hang ups and some backwards thinking. Half the time I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I know who I can trust and I know who loves me unconditionally. That and half the time people worry so much about their own faults that they don't even notice that EVERYONE else has their own little weaknesses.

[ecojeanne]

what amazes me is how many people blame other people for their issues.

[qwertz]

what amazes me is how many people blame other people for their issues.

Family and upbringing can be a huge contributing factor, not to mention people your close to, doing things that cause hurt and emotional stress.
Lots for problems and issues can stem from the above, but theres only one person that can get you out the other side. It can be a viscious circle.

[ecojeanne]

we are in a 'blame other people' society and parents are usually the target. it's a fcked up world when people are told that they don't have to take responsibility for the way that they are. what goes around comes around, so be careful. people have their faults sure enough and it can be taught to their offspring, but what is not being taught is that parents are fallible. and people are fallible. so when things don;t work out with a mate...well for fck sake there ARE plenty more fish! i just think some people enjoy the wallow in self pity. society seems to be steering us in that direction and then wondering why WHY for the love of God whyyyyyyyyyyyy doesn't somebody love me?????


eh coz you're a self loathing blame the world kinda person...that's why

[vashti]

I think people tend to be too open these days, so by comparison, your sense of wall building is heightened. It wasn't all that long ago that what you describe was the norm, and to be honest, I would prefer a man like you to a man that feels it necessary to share every little emotion he experiences with everyone, because they strike me as being too feminine. I don't think it's natural to be open with everyone - selectivity is a good thing... Discovering weaknesses is a part of building intimacy, and if everyone knows about yours, then how would that build intimacy?

Of course, if you are feeling isolated, that's a different story. Don't you have ANY close friends?

And BTW - I hate when people blame their parents. You people were BORN with personalities, you know! Unless your parents were horrific, you are just the way you were meant to be.

[lhn]

Great post Tropigal. I'm like a fortress now... but I've realised I should have had atleast 1 barrier before the recent lessons learnt.

I wont stay like this forever but whats the rush lol

[Perryville]

Sheadz, if you wanna be a big dork, it's ok with me. Listen, I come from a Military Family. Anything that could be construed as weakness was discouraged if not forbidden. It took me 10 years and two wars and one very bad marriage to get to where I am not concerned if people see my weaknesses or not. So just hang in there and it will come. All you have to do is be receptive to the change.

[ecojeanne]

shez -i'm giving you a nickname, anyway shez i like you, i feel you are quite a gentle sort of guy that wants to protect the vulnerable. and i guess you have realised that you need to open up a bit more. you see, in the real world you would be mightily terrified of me because i am an honest, open, fairly critical of myself (and others when asked,,i realise sometimes they don;t really want the answer they deserve so sometimes i cushion my view). people find my attitude quite funny and charming. they feel more secure. you don’t have to open up directly and be all serious about it. but you can laugh at yourself and realise that your faults are actually no big friggin deal. like someone mentioned before; other people are far more preoccupied with their own issues than to notice yours. it's very very true. people warm to people who share faults in a jovial way. try it, you'll be wonderfully surprised at the result. instead of running away from your 'issues' and blaming others try the alternative and share.

the last guy i went out with admitted to me that he was shocked at times at how open i was but he also found it endearing...now i realise the response men verses women will be different. like vash said don't become a pussy. be somewhere in between