Ex contacting me. Just friends or does he want more?

[cmacattack1]

I think you are just getting caught in a mental trap. Who he is seeing, who he isn't, why he isn't calling you, why he doesn't want to, and so on. What's the difference? No matter the reason, the result is the same. You are looking for answers only he will provide and he isn't going to tell you them. It's fruitless. If he was dating another girl and talking to you that would be pretty messed up anyway.

Look at his actions. He isn't talking to you. Isn't that enough? You have your own life to be concerned with. I know you probably have a tough workload and it's killing your fun time, but when you do have some free time, you should do stuff. There is alot out there.

[sunflwr23]

I do things. I party every weekend. I am joining a club sports team and training for a 10k. It's just hard cause it's inevitable that I am going to have times where I am alone and sometimes that bothers me. It used to bother me all the time cause that is when I think of him. But now those thoughts creep up when I am bored in class, or trying to focus on my reading. If that makes sense. I am trying to thought block and realize there are other guys out that. It's hard to think about me being with someone else. I am not opposed to it. Like I said someone just hasn't come along.

[sookie6]

Yes Sunflwr it is always more difficult when you stop being busy or surrounded by people.
Then the wrong thoughts creep in and you fall into sadness and depression again.
I think you have certainly moved on from the ex but you are craving love and companionship again.
I am saying this because this is what I am going through at the momen. Unfortunately meeting someone special is completely down to fate. You could be spending your whole time socialising and not meet anyone...if it's not the right time.
One day you'll look back with fondness at this time of your life when you were single and free.

[sunflwr23]

I am starting to second think some of the things he had said before. Like when he said he wanted to hang out when he came to visit. he told me he'd call me if he made a trip to visit his friend here and that he wanted to. I am starting to worry that was his way of saying hey i am coming to see this person and not you-don't get the wrong idea. But then again he could have seen her during the 4 weeks he was home and she was home... And this is where my mind starts and me overanalyzing things really hurt our relationship but maybe he wasn't clear or open enough with his feelings that I felt I had to try to interpret them... Even now I am trying to figure out what he means by things and actions. Right now he is sending the message I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to talk to you cause I don't care. Maybe to him he needs to talk to someone else and is on or wants to hang out with friends or play video games/watch movies and isn't getting on or isn't there. But if he was interested in being more than friends he would want to be talking to me right? Is there a process to realizing he wants to be more than friends again. Could he be thinking about it?

[cmacattack1]

Unless he talks to you and tells you that, let's assume that he doesn't feel that way. We have no idea what the other is thinking and that's the ultimate mystery. You can ponder it all you want to, but will it really get you anywhere? And no matter how long you analyze it, will you ever be 100 percent certain? No. You may tell yourself things to help convince yourself into a conclusion, but one detail against that conclusion and you are back to wondering again. I'm just telling you this because you are just running around in circles.

Yeah, we aren't going to be doing stuff and busy every hour of the day. The thoughts will creep in and you will be wondering what is going on, and why you feel this way. Like I said before, I'm on 3 months no contact, 3 months of her dating somebody else, and I had four dreams about her since Sunday. Is she on my mind? Sure. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't help to not talk to her because when they aren't popping back up in your life you don't have anything new to analyze. But no matter what you do, you are still going to think about it. You have to accept that you might not get any answers.

Stick with the basics: you don't need him to be happy, you should want him in your life to make you more happy. Goes along with the whole you are craving companionship and something that can duplicate what you had before. But nobody is going to be able to duplicate what you had before and you have to really come to terms with it before you are ready to have something new and potentially better.

There isn't any fate, no offense Sookie. As they say in 500 Days of Summer, life is just a series of coincidences. Is it possible to get start a new relationship with your ex in the future? Yes. It's not likely as you will never forget the past, but it's not impossible. Either way, no matter what happens with you, or him, or somebody else, you will find somebody that you will be happy with. I'm being careful to say "make you happy" because you don't need somebody to be happy.

[sunflwr23]

So this past weekend I went back to my old school. I was out with some friends and meeting up with a friend of mine who is now friends with my ex. He asked my good friend if my ex could come and I was hesitant so he went to a party with a friend and the rest of his friends came out to meet up with me! I enjoyed seeing all his friends and catching up. They were so nice saying he's gone so down hill since he dated me and he made a big mistake they wish I was back in their lives. They talked about his character and how he ideally would want to be this really attractive guy that meets women sleeps with them and never talks to them again. But he's not attractive enough for that. But he's just not interested in anything relationshipy. They said the girl he dated after me was more of a f*** buddy that turned into a relationship but i still wonder if they had sex cause she was extremely religious. But he wasn't like that with me! He was the one saying we needed to not always be physical and he wanted more substance to the relationship and one time he said having you tomorrow and the next day and the next is more important than me having sex tonight. So he slowed things down and wanted to make sure I was entirely ready. I just was surprised to hear them talk about him that way. I am also hurt cause I found out he hooked up with this one girl only a month or so after we broke up. It just hurts my heart all over again. One friend of his said he was only contacting me because he wanted to f*** me but we were 2 hrs away and for most of the contact we were 14 hrs away I don't see how that would have been possible. Maybe to work up to getting to sleep with me again but I wouldn't let that just happen. Honestly so much of this is so overwhelming I can't even process it!!! I don't know where or how to begin. Does anyone have advice? PLEASE!!!! I still want him back and I want to be in a relationship with him again. I want him to get past this phase where he is casually dating. or trying to at least. Apparently there are no current prospects according to his roommate

[cmacattack1]

Ahh yikes, all that catching up is information overload for you. All the news about your ex has got you chomping at the bit again. Do you think his friends won't tell him that you were asking all these questions and talking about him? And they might have been telling you that "he's gone downhill" just to make you feel better, but those are some shitty friends regardless.

This is why no contact is good, you don't have to hear all the bad things about him and help him change your perspective of him. And it reopened your wound and all the progress you made hearing about the other girls he's been with, and it makes you feel "it's not fair" because you haven't been with other people.

I'm more or less just saying the same things over and over for you again. I know you want him and I know you want to be in a relationship with him. He has to want to too, and if he isn't pursuing you then what are you holding out for here?

[sunflwr23]

I didn't ask one single question. It was just them talking and telling me things. I honestly don't think they were just saying those things to make me feel better. I have seen the girls and they complained about them a lot. It did make me a bit jealous but it was reassuring that he didn't have anything close to what we had with them. He actively pursued me and he didn't for the girl he dated. The other girl he just hooked up with. Again I am by no means waiting on him. But I still have feelings for him. I just feel like maybe I was the exception. Maybe he really did want a relationship with me where with the other girls he just wanted sex. I don't know about one of his girlfriends before me. But that seems to be the case with any new girl he might be trying to meet.

[cmacattack1]

I don't know really what to tell you. Until you meet that somebody else that really knocks you out, or unless you just accept alot of the reality of your situation, you are just going to continue on like this.

[ricerocket1]

i wouldn't be trying to be hanging out with my ex's friends just to hang out, it would be too awkward for me, if i do though i make sure i don't talk about either me or her, if they do ask questions its going to be a one word answer...

[sunflwr23]

I didn't try to hang out with them. They made a point to come hang out with me. Because my friend I was out with is friends with one of the guys. When they heard I was in town they ditched my ex to come see me. I was very elusive about my love life but I did tell them good things about my everyday life. I didn't stop them when they talked about him and so I heard them complain about his last ex girlfriend who they were also actively avoiding that night haha cause they don't like her. I am really good friends with these people too. They were my friends too. My ex and I are trying to be friends as well. But that is a tricky situation. But they are good people who care about me too and I have been really close to them. Some of them were even my friends first. Not everyone can just cut off contact with an ex and all mutual friends. One of my best friends is dating his best friend and I see them ALL the time. It's not awkward for me at all.

[lhn]

It's a difficult situation because like Cmac said, it reopens the wound hearing about the ex. At this stage just try to concentrate on a couple of key points. A very real possibility is that he just doesn't think about you anymore. I know that is the last thing you want to hear. You're hoping he is reminded of you now and then, hoping this other girl(s) don't measure up to what you both shared and hoping that something clicks in his mind and he 'realises' his mistake in ending things.... it just might not be happening I'm afraid.
I just don't want you to continue thinking there is a 'possibility'. Besides, would it really work if you got back together so soon? Knowing he has kissed and been intimate with another woman? Thats a very tough thing to swallow, no matter how much you love someone and would more than likely have a detrimental effect on any kind of reconcilling.
This girl he 'mucked' around with... obviously its nice for you to know she didn't mean as much to him as you once did but perhaps he is enjoying being single.

Lets say for a minute he does miss you. It's important you don't get tempted to contact him. Even if it's to test the water and find out whether there is a possibility he misses you. As soon as you do that, it opens the gate for more rejection, again, and that will throw you straight back to the start... "Do not pass Go, do not collect $200". The view from square one sucks, as you already know.

All the feelings and constant 'what if's' etc are sooo difficult to deal with. It kinda never really goes away although when you find someone else I'm kinda hoping thats when they vanish.
What you're going through is no different to any of us who have written our piece in this part of the forums. I feel for you and I know the pain. Your ex got with someone only a month after you split... you should try living with them and have to watch them go on dates with someone you know only 2weeks after splitting. Point being, theres always someone else worse off.

On a good note, its great to hear you're going out. It took me months before I went out and even now I'm not the social person I was. Have I taken any positives from all the pain? Sure... more than I ever thought possible. I'm a completely different person now and kinda feel like anyone who hasn't been through true heartbreak is at a bit of a disadvantage when it comes to relationships. lol.
Now...well... lets just say I wont be making the same mistakes again. The new mistakes I will inevitably make will be dealt with with a new found maturity. Personal growth has come as a surprise to me but I'm very very glad its happened. I feel like I have so much more to offer now.

[sunflwr23]

OK I don't think people are getting the point here. We have been broken up for over a year. So this is not soon. He's not the only one who has been intimate with someone else. We've both been with other people in some capacity. It just did not lead to a relationship. While I was hearing from his friends, I have been in consistent communication with him over the past 1.5 months. He has been initiating it. So there is no doubt in my mind he is thinking about me. He might even be visiting the end of this month. We are trying the friend thing. It's going well so far. We really are redeveloping a relationship but I am not sure where it will lead to. I'm trying not to have any expectations. His best friends said he regrets breaking up with me but they are not sure he will admit that. I'm not placing all my eggs in one basket. I am talking to someone else too-but I don't really see that going anywhere. I'm just trying to correctly read his actions but he is sending more than a few mixed signals! He contacts me every three days. It's slowed down since school started back but he still talks to me a decent amount.

[lhn]

Ah ok. Sry for reading it the wrong way. Thats the prob when I dont have time to re-equaint myself with someones earlier posts.
Well for now surely the wise thing to do is for you to continue doing what you're doing. Being friends and letting things progress naturally. Why would you want to rush something like this. Its got to be weird getting to know an ex again?
Not saying you are trying to rush anything though... I know you just want some perspective.

For now... he wants to be friends. Why second guess something which you can't be sure about anyway. No matter how much you analyse.

[cmacattack1]

What I don't think that you understand is that while it's been a year, your questions and his behavior are not different or unique than alot of the threads seen on here. I've seen this same situation after a couple months, I've seen this situation after a year and a half, I've seen this situation after longer. So I've going to give you the same advice I have seen posted, I have learned from, and the best possible way to get you the results you want.

A year is not even that long a time, though it's longer than most of us are at with our exes we still care about.