I like my best friend but she has a boyfriend!

[Allemande1]

I’ve been good friends with this girl for 5 months now, she’s vry flirty(and probably with other guys too), and have liked her for most of that time. The problem is, she has a boyfriend of 2 years. Story of my life right? Haha.

Everytime we go out to do anything, we would hold hands and act like a couple. Many times, people that were out with us asked if we were dating and each time I had to regretfully answer “No, she’s just a friend”. The few times her boyfriend came into the mix, I made some excuse to not be there. Cuddling and wrestling is a common occurrence when we hangout, as well as cooking dinners for each other.

At times she would complain to me about her boyfriend and how he was such a nice guy and how he deserves better than her, I try to avoid those conversations because I don’t want to give off the impression that I am her “girlfriend”.

I had made a new years resolution to express to her my feelings, not in words but in actions. I think having a talk about it first before we did anything is unwise.

It was new years eve, and we had just gotten back from a party and were chilling in my bed talking, and then without saying anything I kissed her, she kissed me back and we went at it for a while. Then I stopped and she told me how she could never remain friends with her guy-friends because they always made a move on her. I just said people do what they gotta do, and then since we were both tired, we went to sleep.

The next time we hung out, we made dinner together with wine, but she gave some mixed signals such as declining my invitation to join me on the bed to watch a movie, but then pouring me more glasses of wine and spoon feeding me some of her food. We didn’t end up doing anything that night but I felt she and I were both disappointed when she left to go home at 3.am, just one of those gut feelings you know?

Fast forward to last Friday, we went to Chicago together to have a “couple’s date” with my buddy and his girl, she was extra flirty that night and drank wine(which gets her buzzed fast). When we got back to my place, it was basically on Immediately after we hooked up, she had the HUGEST guilt trip ever. She kept saying how she was a horrible girlfriend, that it was all her fault, that she shouldn’t have come tonight..etc. I told her it takes two people to do this, she didn’t do anything wrong(I believe her relationship with her current bf is doomed), and that it’s not like we didn’t know what was going on to begin with, neither of us were drunk. She basically grabbed her stuff and left, and sent me the following text.

Her: “I’m sorry for everything, you’ve been an important part in my life. Take care. Xoxo”
Me: “Nothing to be sorry about, good night”
Her: “I’m very sorry for what’s going to happen. You’re amazing, never forget it”
Me: “gotta do what you gotta do, but right now get some sleep, good night!”

Next thing I know, she defriends me on facebook. w.t.f
It felt like I was breaking up with a girlfriend except she wasn’t my girlfriend..
So I feel really crappy and angry for about a day, then she calls me back on Sunday and apologizes for over-reacting and says that she couldn’t cut me off, I was too important to her, but that we should hang out less and maybe just talk over the phone.


I’m usually pretty good at figuring out what is going on but..I have no idea what to do in this case. A couple of questions that I am wondering are:

1. Should I press harder or back off?
2. Is she into me?
3. What can I do to bring our "relationship" to the next level
4. I know she probably wants to hang out again and is just saying
that she doesn't to feel less guilty, what should I do in this case to
get back to where we were?
5. Does anyone else have this happening to them in their life? lol


I appreciate your thoughts and advice!

[TheWizard]

Oh oh! I'm familiar with this let me see if I can reflect on what I've learned so far and all the good feedback from women on this forum.

So here's the thing, you went for it, with moves instead of talking - you both got lost in the passion the second time... she was actually still able to restrain herself the first time after the initial kiss. This was after you'd been steadily working up the cheating to the point of really going the distance.

She's made a decision, and that decision was to stay with her current BF rather than leave him for you. At the same time she is so concerned about it that she doesn't want to see you anymore because you're too much of a temptation. I'm in a similar position only I'm not pressing her to physically cheat - though from my understanding I'm in a situation of emotional cheating, not much better, and I still should be ashamed of myself.

She was enjoying the ride, and then when you made the move it was an ultimatum and she's chosen. You lost this time I and you should do what I'll need to do should it all go to sh!t in a hand basket and forget about her. Revisit her after a couple years maybe but for now the damage is done, she feels regret for what has happened, and this has turned it to poison in her head.

How'd I do? Am I learning anything?

As a side note, she told you that this always happens with her friends, that means down the line it would happen to you. And it would, no doubt.

Edit: If you really want to get with her, you need to have a brief talk and tell her that as much as you want to be friends you can't. You really want to have her in a relationship, and that's going to make being friends a little rough. Once her boyfriend gets wind of it it'll either break off or whatever anyway though so I imagine you wouldn't have long to wait. I would break contact for now... as they say, for your own good.

[IncognitoSir]

I will NEVER understand why people pursue love intersts that are willing to cheat on thir gf/bf. Why would you be interested in someone who is clearly a cheater? I would think if you wanted to be with her, you would of asked her to break it off with her bf rather than helping her cheat only to fill guilty for screwing over the nice guy. You said you guys cuddled, held hands and what not. How would you feel if you were her bf and she did those things with her "best friend"? I feel sorry for her bf, she's heartless and dishonest.

[reeges]

IncognitoSir,

the logic followed (whether its rational or not) is that the person they're with isn't truly right for them, so it doesn't matter anyway. like in VanWilder - we don't judge tara reid's character for cheating on the frat guy with Van - its logical because van is a better catch.

just clearing things up.

[iateyourcookie]

Well you both shouldn't have done anything in the first place :| Has it occurred to you that when you were with her that she has a boyfriend of 2 years? I don't want to point fingers and blame either of you, but you mention that she's flirty and perhaps she was leading you on. But as a guy you need to respect that she is in a relationship.

I'm not quite sure about her being "into" you. As you mentioned, she was the very flirty type. Maybe she has done this to alot of guys? You wouldn't know, really. If her relationship was already doomed, then she should've break things off instead of guilt-tripping herself. She has something to hide, that's for sure.

My advice is -- don't get involved anymore. I know she means alot, but I bet she has alot going on in her life that perhaps she needed you there as support. And I have to agree with IncognitoSir - if by any chance you two get in a relationship, you might be in the shoes of her current boyfriend. Think about it and good luck.

[IncognitoSir]

IncognitoSir,

the logic followed (whether its rational or not) is that the person they're with isn't truly right for them, so it doesn't matter anyway. like in VanWilder - we don't judge tara reid's character for cheating on the frat guy with Van - its logical because van is a better catch.

just clearing things up.

Um, it does matter. just because you're not right for each other doesnt mean its ok to go cheat. as far as van wilder, we dont judge that the same because its not the same. the frat guy was emotionally abusing the shit out of tara reid's charachter. i dint hear anything of the bf doing anything wrong by the chick. matter of fact, she felt gilty for her cheating because he was such a good guy so...... yeah, you just voided your own statement out there buddy.

[starbuck]

I would advise you to stop pursuing this woman altogether. If the guy she's with "isn't right for her", why is she still with him? She obviously cannot control herself if she gets hit on by her male friends and she seems to have no boundaries as to what is appropriate behavior with other men outside her relationship. Cudding in bed with another man and a "couple's date" with someone other than her boyfriend? She's acting like a single woman.

Do you really want to be with a woman who craps all over her relationship like this? Imagine that you replace her boyfriend. What do you think her behavior is going to be like outside YOUR relationship.

Run away from this woman. There are better women out there for you, my friend.

[Elle_Boogie]

Yeah, this girl is a huge player, very dishonest, and emotionally and physically slutty. She says, "This happens all the time"? Then it will happen to you too man. Apparently, she thinks its ok to hold hands and cuddle with dudes when she has a bf, and its NOT! She would play you just like her current bf. F*ck her man. Or, just f*ck her man.

[reeges]

Um, it does matter. just because you're not right for each other doesnt mean its ok to go cheat. as far as van wilder, we dont judge that the same because its not the same. the frat guy was emotionally abusing the shit out of tara reid's charachter. i dint hear anything of the bf doing anything wrong by the chick. matter of fact, she felt gilty for her cheating because he was such a good guy so...... yeah, you just voided your own statement out there buddy.

i'm not justifying cheating, i'm just saying why people trust people who have already cheated.
itsnot always going to be the choice between a good guy and an abusive guy, but when a girl you like cheats for you you like to think its because of some problem with the other guy, not with her.

thats the logic people follow.