Almost didn't make it...

[Aeradalia]

On Thursday, the 14th I felt depressed for no apparent reason... and was rather impulsive - something I rarely am. I almost committed suicide. Even stared the car down before having a fleeting thought that maybe someone can help me, and stepping away in the nick of time.

I was put in a psychiatric emergency facility, which is designed to 'stabilize' people who are prone to suicide. They put me on mood stabilizers and had placed me on anti-depressants as well as one medication for countering mania. However, these medications are slow and will take some time before the effects are really noticeable.

After nearly a week of observation, going to groups, socializing... etc... I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Before anyone says they hand that label out like candy... I spent my time requesting all the information I could find on the disorder - both the physical causes, environmental factors, and cognitive problems associated with it.

True, psychology or psychiatry is not an exact science... but this disorder describes the experiences I've had the closest, particularly the cycles of feeling energized and 'happy' without any reason or in excess of what would seem appropriate and then shifting to depressive thoughts and fixations about death which also were in excess to life's current circumstances. It also described the times I was energized, irritable, and depressed at the same time.

So, for the time being, I've been prescribed fluoxetine, zolpidem, trazodone, and risperidone. For those who are a little more familiar with medications... yes zolpidem is Ambien, it has helped tremendously in enabling me to sleep and thus reducing the occurrences of a manic episode -- something that was demonstrated while I was under observation.

I'm not exactly sure how to feel about all of this. It's somewhat unsettling to be diagnosed with a mental illness... when you want to believe there is nothing wrong with you. Yet this seems to put all the pieces of my life together. I can't remember a time when I wasn't like this... enthusiastic to take on the world for a few days or weeks and then horribly depressed for days or weeks.

My dad had been informed of all that has happened, and didn't contest what the therapist said. Rather he agreed... and seemed somehow relieved at having an 'answer' to a problem he could never solve for me when I was younger. This seems to provide even more justification for the diagnosis.

My boyfriend had been concerned, but he too seemed to support what the therapist had said. However, he has been very supportive. For that, I am thankful.

I'll probably take some time off the computer and focus more on learning how to minimize the severity of the cycles... and everything else that goes along with it -- like adhering to a schedule, keeping a journal of moods... etc. Also, I will have to remain in contact with the clinic as well as other forms of aid that have been provided for me -- work, school and so on, and remain in contact with the friends I made who also have bipolar (kind of a support group I suppose).

I would like to thank everyone here, for it was helpful to have an outlet.

[Gigabitch]

Come back any time you're ready, Aera. XOXO

[Petit Papillon]

Best wishes Aera... Hope everything is going to be finally fine for You... You can do it
Hope to see You back someday,You have to come back and say that You're fine!
Best wishes again...

[Mish]

I'm glad that you've found good support Dalia, it's very important to have it. The last thing you want on top of all this is also having to deal with ignorant and dismissive people. I hope everything works out well for you!

[IndiReloaded]

Come back any time you're ready, Aera. XOXO

Be kind to yourself Dalia. This too shall pass...

[tooxshort]

Best of luck to you!

[AdminOnline]

Aera, get well soon.

Please don't think this world is only left you alone.
You have friends on LF..
You have a bf
You have friends in real life
You have a future

and finally...

it is selfish to suicide.. this only cause surrounding friends & relatives to feel sad and miserable.

[Perryville]

Good luck, and God bless...........We'll miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[starbuck]

Take care, Aera. You are doing one of the best things you can do for yourself...getting help.

Good luck! We'll miss you and will be here if you want to come back.

[vashti]

Wishing you the best...

[Aeradalia]

Come back any time you're ready, Aera. XOXO

Thanks Giga... I haven't figured it all out, but I think I've learned enough to become a little more comfortable. Having a place like this with so many caring people has certainly helped.

Best wishes Aera... Hope everything is going to be finally fine for You... You can do it
Hope to see You back someday,You have to come back and say that You're fine!
Best wishes again...

I'm 'stable' for now... I know that's not the same as the word 'fine,' but it is an honest answer. My moods still fluctuate, and always will... but I am steadily getting closer to being more balanced and 'fine.'

I'm glad that you've found good support Dalia, it's very important to have it. The last thing you want on top of all this is also having to deal with ignorant and dismissive people. I hope everything works out well for you!

The clinic set me up with a Christian job corps for women... though I'm not of that religion, the women there don't seem to mind and do not pressure me. They offer support, give me things to do, and I'm learning so much. It helps finally having the "female role models" I've lacked while growing up. Actually learning how to sew among various other things.

Be kind to yourself Dalia. This too shall pass...

Indi, I did some research and found that being easily distracted by sight and sounds can be a sign of a manic or hypomanic state. So you were right in that something was wrong.

I'll get the hang of managing this in a daily routine. Treatment for this seems to be quite successful, given that you 'stick with it.'

Best of luck to you!

Thank you.

Aera, get well soon.

Please don't think this world is only left you alone.
You have friends on LF..
You have a bf
You have friends in real life
You have a future

and finally...

it is self-fish to suicide.. this only cause surrounding friends & relatives to feel sad and miserable.

I realize all the people I am grateful to have in my life... the guilt, poor self-esteem, and depression would become so intense I would forget all of that.

Now I have medications which keep the highs from being too high and the lows from being too low (or at least they will go into effect in a couple of weeks), and the clinic has worked to help me develop a 'support network.'

With a lot of work and luck, hopefully I'll never reach a low like that again -- or at the very least, be able to work through it.

Good luck, and God bless...........We'll miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.

Take care, Aera. You are doing one of the best things you can do for yourself...getting help.

Good luck! We'll miss you and will be here if you want to come back.

Thanks. It takes some time, but eventually you realize that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, but of awareness -- awareness that you can't undertake a task on your own.

I think I finally became aware that I didn't know what to do and am exceedingly grateful there are people out there who do.

Wishing you the best...

Thank you.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Everyone's positive words were very encouraging and much appreciated.

Once more, thank you.

[Perryville]

I'm glad your doing better, Aera, and am sure that you will come out of this stronger and wiser. PM me , if you ever want to talk.

[ecojeanne]

fluoxetine (Prozac).

good luck aera. make sure you know exactly what you are getting into. read some books on depression/bipolar and inform yourself. doc's can only do so much.

[url]http://www.naturalnews.com/019342_Prozac_suicide_antidepressants.html[/url]

hope everything works out for you. trust your instincts. read the side effects of the drugs and then watch out for them.

[Aeradalia]

I've read all I could find on the medications they have me on. The risperdone is actually more dangerous than Prozac... however, the doctor seems adamant I stay on that... and I have to agree, it does curb my mania. Though I am always on the lookout for safer alternatives.

With the exception of Ambien, all of the drugs can cause suicidal ideation -- but I had that before the medications, so it's just a matter of learning to ignore that.

It's quite a balancing act having to choose between the risks of the medication and the risks of leaving the disorder completely untreated. Between the two, you have to live.

[Mish]

The clinic set me up with a Christian job corps for women... though I'm not of that religion, the women there don't seem to mind and do not pressure me. They offer support, give me things to do, and I'm learning so much. It helps finally having the "female role models" I've lacked while growing up. Actually learning how to sew among various other things.

People will influence and change your perception, the world around you and your reality. This life could be a heaven on earth if you surround yourself with good people. But it's often knowing the difference between good and bad people that can be challenging.