Ex-Girlfriend Still Like Me?

[nhlguru]

Hi all.

I didn't know where to post this because this is an odd relationship/story to begin with.

I dated this girl for a very short time, two years ago. She was a single mom and just got out of a terrible relationship with the child's father. I met her through my work in the summer and we began dating three months later (after she broke up with the child's dad). Our relationship was short but it was very intimate and because it ended so abruptly, it made it very awkward at work for awhile. We actually didn't talk to each other for a long time but for whatever reason, neither of us decided to find different jobs.

Fast forward a year from that time, different co-workers mended what was broken and we tolerated each other as "friends" (using the term loosely). We didn't hang out outside of work or talk to each other on the phone. We really only made small talk and that was it. I would say it has grown more the last six months to present time. If we take a break at the same time, we will have a full fledged conversation. Here is my point of why I'm posting here today.

Currently, she is engaged to this guy. I have no intentions of getting back together or wanting to (I say this honestly/anonymously) but I have this weird gut feeling she actually likes me. By the way, I'm not a cocky person...so coming to this possible realization was hard to accept.

But she looks at me a lot (I see in the corner of me eye or turn around and see her doing so), she asks me questions about if I'm seeing anyone, she got a little jealous when a different co-worker was interested in me, what I mentioned earlier about full-fledged conversations are usually initiated by her, etc...

Despite reading online about "if a woman is interested in me", I sometimes get confused about if the signs are nothing more than mere coincidence. I help a lot of different women out at my work (customers) and every once in awhile, I'll see one parting her hair, touching her lips, etc...but I don't want to get full of myself and imagine they're all interested in me.

I'm sorry this is so long-winded, just looking for multiple outside perspectives is all.

-Todd from Pennsylvania

[cmacattack1]

Just curious, why did it end so abruptly?

And yeah, I'm a guy that hates getting full of himself too but what can you really do? Are you going to corner her one time and just ask? If you did, would she be honest? She is making her own bed here by being engaged to somebody else when she is interested in a coworker.

It's a possibility that she wants you because she knows she can't have you. Or maybe she doesn't want you at all. It's dangerous to assume.

[nhlguru]

Thanks for replying, I just finished reading one of your replies to someone (you mentioned a Chris Rock skit) and thought you were very insightful.

I realized I left out a major part to my story. It ended abruptly because she cheated on me with her child's dad. I wish I explained that originally because that is why I meant the whole story is so confusing.

Another major part I left out is her lot in life. She never met her father and her mother is very unstable and has even worse success with men. Compared to her, I'm much more stable.

I'm not afraid to ask her, I do have plans to do so. But that is why I'm hesitant, what if she wasn't honest? She seems to fall into severeal categories of being interested still and the way she talks to me and looks at me.

I agree with you completely. There is no middle ground here. Either she is interested or she isn't at all. It's a situation where it's bad to assume one way and since everything is copacetic, I'd rather not question her if she does since I don't want to be with her. It's just the signs keep showing up and I'm getting curious. I hope my explanation makes you understand why I am.

Thanks again for replying.

[cmacattack1]

Ouch you were the rebound guy and she cheated on you with the child's father. Well that explains why you might not want to pursue a relationship with her. And it sounds like she has alot of issues, hence all of her "excellent" decisions and behaviors and where she learned that growing up. It makes more sense now. At least you are sympathetic enough to try and understand what's going on with her.

What I'm concerned about is that you care enough to ask her about all this. Do you still feel sleighted by what happened before and still care about her? It's tough to recover from being hurt like that before the relationship could have reached potential and maybe a part of you still wants her?

You've been in contact with her since then and you guys seem comfortable enough after all that initial awkwardness from the break up. Maybe that she knows it doesn't bother you anymore she is trying to perk your interest up? Have you like her again even after she cheated on you to feed her ego?

She had a child, broke up with the father, cheated on you, is engaged already and still flirting with you at the office. I believe that she hasn't learned a damn thing, is satisfied with her dysfunctional life and lifestyle, and is just doing the only thing she knows how. The best part about attractive women is that if they keep looking, they can always find somebody that caters to their insecurities and takes them for who they are instead of wanting to become a better person and really look back at all the bad decisions they made. To me that's somebody that isn't ready to grow up and needs alot of maturing.

If you ask her, and she says she likes you, regardless of whether it's true or not, what would it accomplish? Would it change how you felt and make you want to be with her more? If she didn't and it's out there now, I guess I wouldn't be surprised if she cooled off on you after.

Is this tension something you cannot handle? Otherwise I would just suck it up. And that's if you truly don't want to be with her.

[nhlguru]

I'll try to explain a little more.

I think what you pointed out about trying to feed her ego seems right but at the same time I don't know. I think the callous and sad part about it is I think she doesn't think too highly of herself at all and she isn't fulfilling any ego. She is probably just accustomed to never being single and instead of wanting to be with someone, she needs to be.

Truth be told, if I asked her and she said yes, it wouldn't make me like her more. I'm completely over her. You see, she did those things to me yes but if she was only trying to hurt me, why would she still care and like me? That's all I'm trying to figure out.

If I never get the answer, I'm fine with that too. I'm fine sucking it up and sticking it out. Maybe I need to re-evaluate if I'm only fulfilling my ego.

I'm happy you responded with directness, you raised a lot of great questions and said some true words of wisdom. Thanks a lot.

[cmacattack1]

It's kind of funny to call it wisdom, as I have little experience in a successful relationship with any women in my life. Just shooting out some thoughts that came to mind

I think you hit the nail on the head with the cannot be alone part. I've been like that since the ninth grade (15 years old) with not even four months between girlfriends and now I'm 23. While it took really losing a great girl to get my shit on straight, I'll admit that I didn't learn a damn thing by not being alone that long between each girlfriend. It reenforced that idea that "oh it didn't work out, it wasn't meant to be" because I found somebody after that who "liked me for me" and fell back into my old behaviors, immaturity, and selfishness. It finally took me getting dumped on my ass by a potential wifey to see that I'm the common denominator in all my problems, maybe I should look at what I'm doing. I think she might feel that way and as long as she keeps bouncing around, she won't ever have to think about what she is doing.

Self esteem issues play a role too, you are definately right. With some people, you don't feel confident enough to go after somebody, with other people it kind of works in the way that they are constantly pursuing something to maybe get that in return and that is a big ego boost. Until she gets to core of the issues though, it's only a temporary boost.

I'd be lying if I said I really knew the answer, but from my experience, it kind of fits in with the above.