Hurting The Ones We Love

[shheadz]

So I had to work with the ex tonight, which pretty much always sucks, although it's getting better. I see her all night texting her shallow friends like it's going out of style. Yet despite two weeks of her bitching and whining that I was hurting her feelings by not talking to her, the couple of texts I send her every couple days go pretty much ignored. So it got me to thinking -- like these things always do -- and it dawns on me that some of us hurt the ones we care about the most. I'm not saying she cares about me the most, but follow along...

I think I do this to. I have a couple long term friends that I practically ignore. I pretty much completely ignore my family members. But I'll bend over backwards for acquaintances, and bosses. Is this at all normal?

The only excuse I can think of for this behavior is we know the people that care about us will always forgive us. They'll always welcome us back with open arms. I'm still wondering though why some of us act this way.

[vashti]

I adore my sister, but she has the most boring job in the universe (computer stuff), and she LOVES to talk about it. So yeah, I ignore her (well, tune her out while she blabs on). i don't think she even notices, though.

Anyway, you are right in thinking we do this with people we KNOW won't abandon us.

[bluesummer]

I used to be this way until I was in a bad situation and realized I'd shit on everyone I loved and who loved me. It wasn't a nice realization. Worse part was, they opened their arms to me despite cutting them out.

Now I make sure I make the people I care about know what they mean to me. Life is short, and I never want them to have a doubt in their mind that they were special to me.

[shheadz]

Yeah, it's definitely something I need to work on, because really that's pretty messed up. I think we also take them for granted because they've always been there, and always will be.

The really odd thing... I should be able to treat friends/family just as well as everyone else. But it's like I have a finite amount of love, caring, and attention I can give. So if I'm going to give heavily to one person, I have to take away giving from another. I dunno. I guess some people are better at juggling multiple relationships.

[vashti]

Are you simply out of touch with people like your family? Or are you actively ignoring them?

[QueenofCorona]

Now I make sure I make the people I care about know what they mean to me. Life is short, and I never want them to have a doubt in their mind that they were special to me.

I wish I was better at this. Its very hard for me to tell people how much I care about them, often times before its too late. Its sad to say but I can throw out mean and hurtful words MUCH easier than I can say "I love you."

[sookie6]

I'm still wondering though why some of us act this way.

I cant think of an answer other than 'because they are ungrateful and spoilt'!

Real friends and family are sacred and should be treated as such. If you know someone will always be there for you then you need to nurture the relationship and stop wasting your time on useless people just because you want to be liked or respected by them...(I think your issue is linked to the problem you mentioned on another post about co-dependency..)

[shheadz]

Are you simply out of touch with people like your family? Or are you actively ignoring them?

I just have a hard time being interested in their lives. I can feign interest if my boss wants to talk about her recent vacation, but I'll completely zone out if my mom tries the same thing.

I have one childhood friend that's always calling me, and I do actively ignore him, because jesus the guy can talk. There are no 10 minute conversations with him. He'll turn the most boring mundane topics into 45 minute talks.

[shheadz]

I cant think of an answer other than 'because they are ungrateful and spoilt'!

Real friends and family are sacred and should be treated as such. If you know someone will always be there for you then you need to nurture the relationship and stop wasting your time on useless people just because you want to be liked or respected by them...(I think your issue is linked to the problem you mentioned on another post about co-dependency..)

Well I'm certainly spoiled. And you could be right. Once I've got someone's attention, love, respect.. whatever.. My work is done, and I can move onto the next person.

[vashti]

Headz!!! You ignore your MOTHER? Do you do this all the time? And do you like her?

[shheadz]

Headz!!! You ignore your MOTHER? Do you do this all the time? And do you like her?

I don't hate her, but I'm finding it really hard to respect her. We're just two totally different people now.

[vashti]

Oh, well... that's a little better, then. Maybe if you respected her more, you wouldn't act that way.

[sookie6]

Well I'm certainly spoiled. And you could be right. Once I've got someone's attention, love, respect.. whatever.. My work is done, and I can move onto the next person.

I was gonna reply something very offensive to this but just want to check: are you being sarcastic?

[shheadz]

I was gonna reply something very offensive to this but just want to check: are you being sarcastic?

No, I'm not being sarcastic. I think in the same thread where I mentioned CD issues, I also mentioned that my ex and I are exactly alike. So there's nothing I can say about her that I couldn't also say about myself. That's one of the reasons this breakup has shaken me up so much. The more I tried to understand her, and why she acts the way she does (and why it hurt me so much), the more I learned about myself.

So, I've spent more than a little time thinking about what a selfish, spoiled brat she is. So I guess that means I am too. But I'm not the way I am for that reason alone. Honestly I'm just very introverted and self absorbed, and I find it hard to take an interest in anyone's life. It's not a one way street kind of thing, because I don't talk to people about my life either. The problem though is I'll at least put in some effort with strangers, and casual friends.

Now we're getting a bit off topic, because this really isn't about me. I googled the topic before posting, and hurting the ones we love seems to be a common theme in many people's lives. Although for a lot of different reasons.

[sookie6]

Sorry I read and read and read again but I don't get what you are saying. I can't relate at all with what you are describing.
I guess I am your complete opposite here

So I'll go venture on posts I can contribute to!