He does not know what he wants yet loves me????

[Supernova]

Hi all,

I will get straight to the point. A bit of background on "the man", he is 44 I am 42, he is divorced (twice) first wife, legitimate grew apart, second lasted 13 months, she cheated on him, then he had a destructive live in relationship - she was an alcoholic and screwed him up, finally he got her out. He is a well educated man, and as his family told me "he had attracted the wrong girls" (they were all model looking and beautiful. Then I came along, well educated, totally different to the other girls, he said I was pretty, I have a son and I am well grounded. I was opposite to what he had. We had hopes and dreams, (the same) etc etc. We loved each other deeply. I knew he had been wild in his day and I thought he finally was ready to settle down, but it seems it is still there. I live in another state. We planned on getting married ,settling down, maybe even a child together (maybe). He wanted to move to me. His mother needs care and has decided she will not move from her condo on the beach, so now all of a sudden, "he has to stay and look after his mom" and now he is confused and does not know what he wants out of life. Maybe one woman is not enough, maybe he wants to date a few, (so unlike him to say this before!!!!), he wants the wild life, wants to go out every night and drink with his friends. Mind you his friends, well same age not married, one even has two girls going at the same time and is an alcoholic. He calls them loosers and wanted to change his life. But now he thinks he wants to stay that way, single etc. He is depressed and is confusing me.
This happened all of a sudden, oh yeah, he still loves me but does not know what will happen or what he wants. I thought it was because his house went into foreclosure and he had to sell his business, he now has no job. But I did not care I loved him. What is he saying to me????????????
Why has he turned into this party animal and yes, he is drinking way way to much in fact the past few months I think he is depedant on the booze.
He was so different and we just finished a wonderful 3 weeks together, and has changed into this immature, party animal. When I mentioned why he thinks one woman may not be enough, he said why not??



Help me.

[cmacattack1]

Hmm, planning marriage and all this in three weeks eh? And he's already been divorced twice? You don't say...

I can understand your confusion because he tells you all these nice things and all these bad things about his buddies yet he continues to do this. I understand he wants to take care of his mother but how he is using it sounds like an excuse. At 44 you still want to party and be with your friends? I'm at the ripe age of 23 and I can tell you I wanted to party with my friends and that cost me my last relationship, and what I had was too important to ever want to choose the "fun" life over a great girlfriend ever again. He hasn't learned from his past marriages, or they screwed him up so much that the party life is the only way to deal.

Seeing who he was attracted to in the past really helps to figure out where he stands and what his priorities are: pretty girls with messed up priorities. See the pattern?

Seeing as how he is clearly confused, there is really nothing you can do for him except back away and give him space to figure out what he wants. If he wants to continue this life, there is really not much you can do. You can tell him he is too old and a fool for doing it but only he can really want to help himself. As difficult as it is, it's the only thing you can really do to get results. Without your support. How he reacts will ultimately determine what he really wants.

[Supernova]

Hi thanks for the advice, We have been together for two years, I meant we just finished a 3 week vacation together....... no together for 3 weeks in total lol!

[cmacattack1]

That makes a little more sense heh. Two years of the hard party life eh? Tell him his ass ain't getting any younger! Where is he going to find a replacement for you at this stage in life?

[vashti]

That makes a little more sense heh. Two years of the hard party life eh? Tell him his ass ain't getting any younger! Where is he going to find a replacement for you at this stage in life?

You must be kidding! There are a lot of single women who would sign up to be next in line (there are lots of stupid women in the world).

Supernova, I don't think you should be asking yourself why he doesn't want you, but rather you should be asking why you want him. He sounds like a drunken 20 year old. Is that REALLY what you want for yourself?

[cmacattack1]

You must be kidding! There are a lot of single women who would sign up to be next in line (there are lots of stupid women in the world).

Supernova, I don't think you should be asking yourself why he doesn't want you, but rather you should be asking why you want him. He sounds like a drunken 20 year old. Is that REALLY what you want for yourself?

Replacement as in a quality woman such as SuperNova here. There are lots of stupid women in the world but they don't replicate that quality! I'm not saying she should tell him "Where can you find a replacement for me?" I was just implying they don't grow on trees especially at that age.

[Supernova]

Why I am so hurt is he was never like this when we were dating, he had matured, yet I knew he had a wild past, but towards the end I noticed he was talking like 20 year old again, and drinking more, this man owned a business and before that worked as aeronautical engineer, he was smart and had his shit together. He has just gone wild, and tells me he wants that life back, so no I was not attracted to him like this, but it hurts we had plans, I loved the old him, the new one is a rude prick, he is slowly stopping communications, did not have the balls to call it off. How hard is it to say "I do not want you" instead of saying I do not know what I want, and just flick you off like you never existed. In fact I caved in and texted him, as to why he stopped talking to me, and I get "I am out having dinner with my mother", and that was it.

[shheadz]

It's kind of odd, but if you read through the forums a bit you'll find this behavior a lot. Whether it's the stress of a relationship, or the stress of life, some people regress back to some earlier time in their life for comfort. A life that was more care free.

[Supernova]

I have gone and read through the forums, yes you are right. What I find odd is that it seems when a man gets very very serious with a girl, then they freak out and run the other way! Some return, but my problem is, I know he is in crisis, and one of the reasons his Mom will not accept care so HE has to look after her. I guess besides losing hisbusiness and house, he is obligated to his mom, so where does that leave me? This is painful and it hurts, and how he is dealing with it, party animal and talking like a 20 year old. He is 44. I know the way he is, is not right for me, but reality is his Mom will win hands down. If only she would accept she needs more help, we would be together. But .... life sucks and I feel I can never trust anyone again, the feelings for this man run deep, our hopes and dreams were the same. We were freaks, I had a toothache bad, I spoke to him guess what he had just been to the dentist for the same reason and same tooth. That happened a lot with the two of us. We do not live in the same area so this is more than hard anyway. I loved him and I am the one with a broken heart. I wish he would end it, instead of ignoring me and hoping I end it or go away. I do not know what to do.

[cmacattack1]

His priorities are all mixed up. And yes, it's true that when guys are faced with commitment they do run the other way. For most girls, they are so sure and certain and are ready to do that. Guys have to really reach that maturity where they want to be with somebody. He did with you initially but he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Typical selfish behavior and it was something I did with my exes.

A relationship is alot of work, and it must be consistant. It takes serious time management and your priorities in line for it to happen. My priorities were me and my fun, I didn't manage any of my time and my ex suffered because she was the one that lost out. And she's the one with somebody else and I'm the one left lost and confused.

[shheadz]

I wish he would end it, instead of ignoring me and hoping I end it or go away. I do not know what to do.

The tricky thing, and perhaps the worst thing, is he's probably not thinking about you at all right now. In fact, a lot of the partying and boozing is his way of not having to think about anything right now. I suspect that some people who lead a constant party life are doing so to avoid their problems.

[Supernova]

His priorities are all mixed up. And yes, it's true that when guys are faced with commitment they do run the other way. For most girls, they are so sure and certain and are ready to do that. Guys have to really reach that maturity where they want to be with somebody. He did with you initially but he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Typical selfish behavior and it was something I did with my exes.

A relationship is alot of work, and it must be consistant. It takes serious time management and your priorities in line for it to happen. My priorities were me and my fun, I didn't manage any of my time and my ex suffered because she was the one that lost out. And she's the one with somebody else and I'm the one left lost and confused.

Hi Cmacattack1 and Shheadz your right, he was at that maturity level, then everything around him crumbled and we reverted to his old self (which was prior to me). An example of where is mind is at now...... he replied to my text (told you I could not help myself) I did not cry was happy etc, he asked what I did today etc.... he sounds depressed and down, he has been spending the past two nights with his mom (yep as I was told mommas boy, what she says goes, why would you want your 44 year old son to look after you and have no life?????, she needs a nurse she will not leave her condo). Anyway I said to him if you want me to stop texting tell me, he said sometimes He was annoyed by sometimes it was nice. I said ok I will only reply when you text me (how ****ing stupid was I OMG I could kick myself) I said to him I do not expect you to say you love me, but only when you want to (again DUMB shit). So I think it is best for me to stop communication, because it opens the wound to much. I said to him his friend Cathie asked if we were togther and I said to him I told her that he had not dumped me. I then said to him, you would tell me if we were splitting up and you have not done that yet right? and he said "nope I haven't" , again dumb. I said to him I do still love you and he said "whatever" I turned around and said you are 44 not 20 grow up, and then I said, you bag all your "looser friends" but you will be just like them if you carry on like a child, and he said this "MAYBE I WANT TO BE LIKE THEM".
there you have it...... okay guys you can say I sounded subservient and stupid, but pain in the heart is real and I did not cry, but I guess I know where he is at, its a matter of time before its over. I am afraid if I end it and say call me when your sane, he will never do it I would have pushed him away, but my inner voice says, he will torment my soul by dragging it out and he will not end it, he will fade away. So, do I stay and wait for the result? or dump him as much as it hurts me?

[shheadz]

It really sucks that things are going down like that Supernova, but such is life and love. Don't beat yourself up too much over doing "dumb" things. That's love for you, and it makes us all do dumb things.

The more you pressure him about the relationship, the further you're pushing him away. But don't worry about that. The real issue here is you're talking to a brick wall. You are not going to be able to show him the error of his ways. He does not even care right now. In fact, the more you point out how he's screwing up, the more he's going to shut you out, because he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to listen to reason. He would rather trash the relationship than admit he's wrong, or change his ways.

Trust me on this. I'm the same way. I think cma might back me up on this one. There's really nothing you can do for him right now. The faze he's going through needs to run it's course on it's own, and you shouldn't stand by him during the process.

You need to drop his a$$ right now like a bad habit, and start moving on with your life. That absolutely means no contact. He will start contacting you. He will start to break down and ask for forgivness. Don't give into it! The moment you forgive him he's going say, "Whew.. great.", and then go back into selfish mode, and you're going to feel stupid all over again.

[shheadz]

Just wanted to add one more thing.. Although you are talking to a brick wall, it's a double thick wall if you're talking via text. It's going to be a 10000% easier for him to say stuff like "MAYBE I WANT TO BE LIKE THEM" via text than saying it to your face, or even over the phone.

[Supernova]

Just wanted to add one more thing.. Although you are talking to a brick wall, it's a double thick wall if you're talking via text. It's going to be a 10000% easier for him to say stuff like "MAYBE I WANT TO BE LIKE THEM" via text than saying it to your face, or even over the phone.

It was by phone, I should have said that, I texted him, he replied then we spoke on the phone for about 20 mins. He seems so so so down and shut off. I wish I could shut my emotions off like him. I feel like a shot deer not dead, and suffering, he needs to be put the final bullet in.