Ruined my chances for the future I wanted with my ex

[JessieGrey]

Hello everyone! After reading through the forums here, I can't help but to share my story and heed a little advice.

I'll try to make it (relatively) short and (not so) sweet. (Edited again for length..)

I met "Jake" two and a half years ago (August '07). I found him attractive, funny, unique, the like, but was hesitant to attach myself to someone at that time in my life (I had health issues, identity issues, you name it..) . Regardless, we dated ('gave it a shot') for a year and three months before we broke up. I ran from the relationship because it was getting too heavy for me--talks about the distant future, kids, etc.. and my health complications impeded on a stable relationship.

For the 9 months that Jake and I brokeup, we continued to see each other, until one day, during the summer, he asked me on a date. I said no, and that I wasn't ready to commit to him again. I felt like I would start to feel trapped again. A month later, I met 'Sam', who I began to casually date.

Long-winded story short: I tried to get back together with Jake, almost like clockwork, every month (oct, nov, dec, jan--of this year). I would break up with Sam, and try to test things out with Jake, as I had not spoken with him in months and missed him greatly. Things would be great, I would feel electric, but then I would end up running away, running back to Sam, away from the intensity of Jake--away from the former feelings of entrapment. I knew I would be able to commit to him, but I was jumping the gun and pushing him farther away from me. Eventually, I left Sam for good, after realizing there wasn't a future for us--mostly because of my feelings for Jake.

Two weeks ago, I begged Jake (who is very stubborn about meeting with me or answering his phone) to get back together with me. He was dating his 'best-friend' and said that it was not a good idea, we had tried so many times, and I had broken his heart yet again, by choosing Sam over him. Jake said that he didn't trust me, because I was in and out of his life so much, and that he could not trust me to stay with him, not cheat on him, or not leave him abruptly. However, He said he would give me a month to prove I would not change my mind (as I had seemingly done so so often this winter) and then we would talk after a month's time. I was encouraged because I had realized through the months where my heart was and I was willing to try and 'change my ways,' and be an honest, faithful girlfriend.

So, anticipating a month to go by before we spoke again, I started to 'move-on' and stop thinking about Jake so much, because I knew I wouldn't speak to him in a month. However, he called me a week later and I asked him to meet me. He said his heart was with me and he wanted us to be together. I was still reeling from the whole 'month' idea, and said that we should continue to wait, and feel things out, and not rush into a relationship after we needed time to think. (I wanted the month to prove to him I could still be there)

I also mentioned that I would be moving next year for a few months and didn't agree with long-distance relationships (a matter of opinion). Well, that was the worst mistake I could have made, even though I was just trying to honestly express my opinions on long-distance relationships, because it pushed him away from me, and he began to think that I was changing my mind AGAIN. We separated and planned to talk the next night. Before I had a chance to, he left me a note in my apartment that said he began to feel insecure in the relationship, like I would never change or be able to commit and told me to not speak to him again. I was DEVASTATED--to think I had lost him again--for a miscommunication! I sent him countless emails and left him many voicemail messages (he would not respond or pick up) telling him he was all I wanted, and that I would make it work while I was gone, to not give up and to trust me that I would be there.

He will not speak to me. The last time I had contact with him was the abrupt note he left. I have since tried to tell him that I wasn't going to back out, but that I was in it, I was just musing about our future, (as everything in life is uncertain!) I do not blame him for running away again because I played with his mind time and time again. This time, however, I was willing to put in the effort, to make us work, and felt like I could truly stay with him. He doesn't want to hear it and I'm afraid I have lost him for good.

I've tried to let him be, but I am afraid I have made some serious mistakes that caused him to give up on me forever. This is the man who told me he wanted to marry me, told me I will forever be his only one, and now he will not speak to me.

Help. How do I regain his trust? How do you show somebody that you want to be with them and you have sincerely changed if they won't talk to you or see you? The thing that hurts the most is that I wasn't going to deny his love again, I wanted us to be together, but he wouldn't listen.

-Jessie

[cmacattack1]

I wish there was some magical chore you could do that would have his trust back but there isn't. The only thing that can heal this unfortunately is the thing you don't want to hear. Time apart. You need time apart from him to actually fix and better yourself and some of your habits.

I'd like to believe you have sincerely changed, but what has happened and what have you done to really become a different person? You feel like you are losing him and THAT is your motivation to win him back and be a good, honest, faithful girlfriend. That does not show genuine change, but desparation and lonliness especially with "Sam" out of the picture.

You should want to fix yourself and become a better person for you, not for him. Trust me on this, if you wanted to fix it for him, even if you got back into a good steady relationship, that would only last so long before you fell back into your same old ways. I felt like I genuinely changed when I wanted my ex back after she dumped me but it was mostly just out of being scared. I told her I wasn't going to be selfish anymore and that I was different, but the very act of calling and doing this when she wanted space screamed I wasn't any different. Just an example.

It took me really being on my own and spending time talking to people, posting on here, reading stories, and analyzing every painful detail of my past relationships and where I was wrong. Talking to true friends that aren't afraid of being honest about things you've done wrong is very helpful. Bring some logic and perspective to you. And it took a few months of being on my own with no contact to my ex to really figure things out and have some of this logic sink in. When you talk to them and your emotions send you flying, no matter what people tell you, you are going to base what you do on your emotional instinct. And more than likely it's wrong.

And the thing about wanting to prove something is that if you have really become a changed person, you won't have to prove it to anyone. Anybody that knows you will notice. Your ex especially, because they know you more intimately than anyone. Saying you have changed or trying to prove it, proves absolutely nothing. Change will be apparant in what you say, the way you act, and it will be out of instinct. You won't even need to think about doing it before you do it. It will be genuine.

Do not think that what you said about long distant relationships is a mistake. You are saying how you feel, you aren't trying to tiptoe around what he thinks and do the things you think will make him happy. Anybody that is accepting of you won't turn and run at the thought. The problem is that you both are trying to come back to an already broken relationship and that is why it's still tense. That is why time apart is good to heal these wounds so that you are both stronger and better (if you choose to better yourself) fit for a new relationship together.

If the long distance thing doesn't make sense, and you can't handle it, then it doesn't make much sense to have the relationship. But it sounds like you are too afraid of not being happy without him to say no to this. You do not need him to be happy in life. You should want him in your life to be more happy, but you do not need him. Need is the most selfish of all of our behaviors. You need this because you can't live without this and you must have it regardless of how the other person feels. That's why your desparation hasn't gotten you anywhere with the constant calls and texts and emails.

You might be looking a little too far into the future anyway. A year from now? You guys aren't right today. Take it one day at a time here before you have this decision. You don't know how you will feel in one year.

Ultimatums are not right, he is just flexing his control of the relationship over you. You feel like the **** up so you want to do whatever he says, no matter how off it is. Muscling you into something to be done by his way and you needing to prove something is bullshit. Remember, you want to start a new relationship right? How can that be achieved when it's you needing to prove to him everything. You didn't need to prove yourself to him the first time you started dating, why should a new relationship be any different?

Like I said, you need some space to be on your own and get your head straight. He does too. You should talk to him about that and tell him that it's for the best. It may be scary. It may be difficult. Probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But remember, you do not need him to be happy. If it doesn't work out in the future, it will with somebody else. Ex's are tough to do for the long term again because it already failed once and no matter how long time has passed it's not something either of you will forget.

-Colin

[girl68]

I wouldn't trust you either. You're promises to change mean nothing to him because you broke your promises all to often.

I think like Cam said that you just need to give it a rest for a while. Work on yourself. You have huge issues with committment and saying you've changed becasue he left you isn't a reason to say you're different now.

People deserve second chances but I don't think people deserve a thousand (you seem like you want a thousand chances to be with him.)

[mysticman]

You sure you really want Jake? Why did you keep going back to Sam? It's like a tornado, you tear through making a pathway of emotional destruction. In the short term, you're hurting these guys that like you, in the long term, you're hurting yourself the most. It might actually be that you're not in love with any of these guys and that you're more in love with drama.

This is coming from my own self-realization in regards to the types of relationships I have been attracted to in the past. It's like a drug, you get addicted to the emotional intensity of it all. You might think you want to settle down, but when you do that, that starved emotional void you've become dependent on will build and build until somehow, someway (it might not even appear to be your fault, we attract what we want) it will come back and you'll find a way to bring drama back into your life. I know this sounds pretty gloomy, but I think it's pretty common. Especially if you're younger, I think it fades with age with most people.

So, I think the most important thing to do is actually to introspect. Look at past relationships and figure out negative patterns you've been following and why. As much as we can become dependent on someone and a relationship, beneath it all I believe they actually offer the biggest opportunity for self-awareness and self-growth.

If you can figure it out after focusing on yourself, maybe you'll realize you didn't really want Jake after all, and maybe you'll realize that it's what you do want. I agree with cmacattack, it's probably best to take a break and try to detach yourself from the situation as best as you can so that you can assess what's really best for yourself.

[JessieGrey]

You are all right, or at least in the arena.


Going back to Jake and Sam used to be something I would do, for excitement or out of boredom. Now, considering the toll it takes on the other person and myself, I'd rather avoid the fluctuation. I was wrong in going with my whims to be with Jake and trying to get back together with him, when neither of us were ready. I admit, being with Sam made me realize how important Jake was to me, and sometimes it takes that shock to wake you up and realize what you had. I agree with you Colin, I felt like the **** up and was so disappointed in myself for the wrongs I did in my relationship with Jake, that I felt like I had to constantly apologize and find ways to absolve the trouble between us.

The thing that concerns me is that Jake just gave up after I told him how I felt about long-distance relationships. I'm a young adult, and have oft been scared of commitment, similarly, scared of impending marriage. Yet, after being with someone that I knew I couldn't marry (Sam), I left him. My mom always raised me under the dogma of 'don't get too sucked into a relationship, you are young, think of yourself first.' Never in a selfish way, but in an anti-co-dependent way. She wanted me to learn to follow my goals above another, and not let men or relationships hold me back. So, I have that ingrained in my psyche. The fact that Jake was so steady and serious about me freaked me out. But in two and a half years, I have changed exponentially. I agree with you all, I still have a lot of growing to do and self-development to work on, but I am light years away from who I was when I met Jake.

Colin, you said that anyone who accepts me will accept my thoughts on long-distance relationships. Jake has been conditioned to not trust that I will commit or stay with him, so by telling him my general opinion, it seriously drove him away. He wants verification that I will stay with him, even when I move across seas. Obviously, if we were happy and in a great relationship, we could make it work and I wouldn't immediately end it based on time constraints, but, I also don't want to be the girl who leaves dinner to call her boyfriend in another time zone. I have always looked at the extremely committed young person as someone who is naive, and hasn't explored all options before deciding on one. My best friend has been with her boyfriend for 5 years, another for 9 years, and I never understood how that was healthy.

Regardless of all of this, I believe Jake and I are great together and could be happy together if we gave it time to regain trust.

Obviously there's years of information that I would have overloaded the server if I had included, so I had to simplify so that people would actually read my story. So, there is a lot more to the story than initially included.

I guess, to summarize, Jake is intent on having a future with me. He knows he has wanted to marry me from the first time we met. I, however, am a little more untethered. It means a lot to me to talk to and see Jake again (or when we did), but I'm not the kind of person who can just commit for years to come. I'm worried that that type of discrepancy could hurt a relationship. We could both be equally into it, but it's like if in a couple one person doesn't want a child and another does, there's a lot of balance to seek out and a lot of communication and understanding to work out.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, guys. I know it seems like I'm still super flaky, which I have been in the past, but I sincerely see how I have changed from years ago, and am continuing to change.

-Jessie

[girl68]

Just because 2 people get along famously doesn't mean they are meant to spend their whole lives together. You seem to want very different things.

[cmacattack1]

The advice your mom gave you actually isn't bad. Too often do young people want to move to college to be with a partner or move in without any real plan in the future. For love to work, everything around it has to make sense. You shouldn't put a relationship above yourself, she is right. You don't know what will happen in the future with somebody else, but you know what will happen if you apply yourself to a career and future independance.

However it's possible to put you at the top and a relationship second if that is what you really want. It's all about time management and putting in that consistant effort. I am very much like you Jessie in the fact that I was engrained that I shouldn't let relationships hold me back. And I've been pretty much self destructive in every one. The difference is I put my fun at the top (drinkin with my buddies, and hanging out with her when it was convinient for me) and now I'm living at home post college trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life.

My ex has no idea what she wanted to do with her life and wanted to be a stay at home mom pretty much and hoping I would be the answer to her future. She also told me she wanted to marry me within a month of our relationship and it scared the shit out of me like it scared the shit out of you. But with that in mind, you shouldn't lose sight of what a relationship is really all about: having a good time and sharing an intimacy you can't share with a best friend. When it's stops being about that, it loses alot of it's luster. We become too focused with trying to merge the two lives together as one and it doesn't need to be rushed. It should occur of it's own volition. Sure you want to know where it's going and what you are doing this for, but as long as you guys are enjoying each other and do not want to be with anybody else, what is the rush?

I'm guessing you are in your early twenties? No need for that to happen and it sounds like he is pressing the issue pretty hard. You should communicate that to him, don't hold out. There has to be honesty and sincerity in a relationship.

[JessieGrey]

Colin, you're totally right. Great advice-- the kind I need to read back on and heed when I'm in a relationship!

The main problem that I had in relationship with Jake was that having an open conversation about marriage, or commitment always resorted in him feeling like I "would never be able to fully commit or be his"...It (and I can't singularly blame my actions on this but..) drove me to cheat. I can't be put in a box, either literally or metaphorically. I'm extremely open minded to all possibilities and I pride myself in not being too rigid and structured--especially when it comes to relationships. I like to relax and worry about the now. Leave the future-worrying for my career and education.

When I think about my relationship with Jake, yeah I felt pressure to commit more, but we were running on a year and a half of a relationship--his wishes were totally justified, and I understand how he could have felt. I was always on the go and not there when I should have been. Also, I was with other people, which he knew about later on. So why wouldn't he distrust me and be extremely wary of me? I know if I were in a relationship with someone for over a year and they still weren't "all there" I would be angry, confused and hurt-all of which Jake was and still is. He says he's forgiven the past (it's been a year since we split) but he continues to make me pay for what I did. It's like he sees me and he sees someone who has done nothing but hurt him.

I wasn't a horrible girlfriend, but I wasn't as loving and considerate as he wished I would be. I'm not a stoic, but I'm not a romantic or a sucker. Now that I'm the one begging for him back, it seems he's using my vulnerability to make me feel even worse about how flaky and uncommitted I've been.

It's rough. Especially when you're a stubborn person with (ish) someone very different from you.

[cmacattack1]

Okay, so you recognized things you did wrong. You can't go back and change what you did. What's done is done. Taking this as an important lesson and actively applying it to what you have in a future is extremely important if you want to grow from this and have a more mature relationship in the future. Whether it's a new relationship with Jake or with somebody else, it needs to stick out that what you did before was wrong and that it needs to be almost instinctual not to do it again. That's how I knew I was a changed person after my last relationship, things that I did before normally without much thought now bring my brain to a screeching halt.

Example: I am talking to a girl that I know really likes me. She is best friends with my best friends girlfriend so it makes sense, and everybody wants it to work. I don't feel this way yet but as things do happen, we are progressively becoming more playful, friendly, touchy feely and all that. I've been in this situation before and I normally would have gone along with it, got the ego boost from somebody that really likes me and whatever happens happens. That has always ended badly, usually for the girl involved. However, it became glaringly obvious that it's wrong not to be honest and I called and talked to her this week asking her what her expectations of this were and said I liked her but I don't know if I am ready for what she want. We are still on good terms and I think she was a little dissapointed but I think it spoke volumes about my progress.

Anyway

I am really skeptical on your "change" as you said because I see that you are still applying blame for things that are your responsibility. He may have made you feel trapped, but you chose to cheat. You have to take responsibility for that. There are reasons why you did, but they are not excuses. You were wrong. Bottomline. What you learn from this is to not let it get to this point, to be honest, to get space if necessary, but never let it progress to that point. Because now you are not trusted and it's a painful place to be, isn't it?

You say you weren't as loving and as considerate as he wanted you to be. You know what this says? That the person you were wasn't what he was looking for. That's if you know he honestly feels that way. The messed up thing is that he already declared you were the one, that he was going to marry you, everything. Like my ex girlfriend. We were official for a month before she declared that to me. I don't think that either my ex or your ex really understood the implications that saying such a thing has. It implies that he will feel that way forever. Forever is a long time, and for your ex to say that about you is immaturity on his part to rush into something based on a feeling he had. While he felt that feeling today, how does he know he will feel that later on? It sounds like this break up for you guys was the best thing that could happen.

He knows you feel guilty and he is going to play that card because he is hurt. If he has forgiven you, he wouldn't still be playing to that. It's basically manipulation for you to be what he wants you to be. And you are going to be you. So you didn't fit what he wants in a mate. You shouldn't have to conform to what he wants. If you want to become a more loving and considerate person, by all means you should do that. But it's because you want to do that, not because you want to fit his prototype. And even if you fit it, it's not guarentee that what he wants will still be that same outline that he originally wanted before. All you can do is better yourself for you, and if it fits with him it fits. If it doesn't, there is no sense in trying to mash the two of you together.

[JessieGrey]

I'd say I came face to face with all my failings a few months ago, after being with someone who was less than honest, respectful and responsible.

I talked to Jake face to face about every single wrongdoing I did in our relationship. From the little pains, to a huge matter, like cheating on him, I brought it all up and individually apologized for each.

Now I know I've changed. My health is much better than it was 2 1/2 years ago. I don't speak to any of the people from college who used to bring me down that I had a hard time letting go of anymore (not a single one!) and I'm a generally happier, healthier person. All of these former issues came about before I met Jake, and they interrupted our relationship. The mistake I made was getting into a relationship that I couldn't commit to in the first place. I was still a kid. I didn't even know what a healthy relationship was, nor did I want one. I just wanted to fight and cry and hurt all the time. I was extremely self-destructive. Since then, I have picked my life up by the neck and worked on rectifying what I can and progressing what I can fix for the future. Yeah, I'm still not perfectly sane, but I'm as close as I've been to a functioning individual ever! Jake had little help in this, for I wouldn't let him. The help from him was the only that he could give, knowing that I had his support and love.

Yeah, I wasn't considerate and compassionate. I was pretty evil. But I was also jaded and spoiled. I know he now that he isn't going to get into a relationship with me unless I have sincerely changed, which I am continuing to. I respect him for that. I do need to continue changing for myself. I need for the outside responsibility and diligence to match the inside. I need to stop lying to myself and tricking myself. I can't feel like an honest and trustworthy person until I do the same behind closed doors as I do in public.

Jake and I have wonderful compatibility. He is as compassionate and kind of a man as I have ever met. I can't blame a single other person for my actions other than myself and he knows this. If we had met for the first time right now, I would be overjoyed to start anew in a healthy way. However, I've known him for years and have tainted his image of me. Yes, it was the best decision for us to break up over a year ago, because I've needed this time, and am continuing to use this time to work on myself. And I realized this even more today: I need to be the same person individually as I am to other people. I need to stop lying to trick myself out of the truth.

If there's going to be a future with Jake, there's going to have to be a lot of time and a lot of communicative effort on both sides. The most I've grown in my entire life has been in the past 2 years. Maybe I was a late bloomer, but grad school shocked the hell out of me. It wasn't until 'real world' experience until I realized that who I am really matters, and I can't just slide by on fallacies, falsehoods and dishonesty. I haven't become the ideal self in just a year, but I know I'm getting there in recognizing and admitting faults and shortcomings that most people would ignore and bury.

I know I want to try to be with Jake in the future. I'm not delusional to think everything's going to be perfect immediately, and I'm too stubborn to change the parts of myself that are inherent, for him. He doesn't want that anyway. The parts of me that he to see change were temporary issues--lying, cheating, etc.. I'm not inherently a dishonest person; I have the worst guilty-conscious of almost anyone I've ever met. Just for a time being, under the brain-warp of another ex, I was really manipulative and shitty. So, he doesn't want me to change petty habits or personality traits, he just wants to see me as the good person he sees deep down, that has been shrouded for a while.

Colin, the true test, like you said, is instinctively NOT even wanting to or thinking about going down the wrong road again. And that is how I know I have changed. I don't desire to be sneaky or undermining. I have some really great influences in my life now, and I'm happy to say I really do see the difference in my attitude and subsequent actions (in my case non-actions!!)

-Jessie

[cmacattack1]

Very well said. It does seem like you learned alot from this relationship with him. It sounds very similar to the transformation I have taken in the last couple months. It's hard to believe how far we've come in such a short period of time isn't it? That's how you know that he is a special person. He has been one of the most influential people in your life up to this point right?

I'm envious of you. It sounds like even after all the damage you did, he still talks to you and he still cares. After everything I have done (I didn't even cheat), I haven't heard from her since she was dating her new boyfriend. I really hope that everything works out for you guys and it sounds like you have a real plan in motion.

For this to work, it sounds like you need a fresh start. That's what relationships are based on, having that attraction and good time to build a connection with that partner. It's hard to do that with a negative history, that's why exes usually never work out in the end. Maybe just take it slow again, start off dating. No need to declare back together and have constant talks about what needs to be figured out. While it does need to be figured out eventually, it's important to have fun and remember what you guys really liked about each other in the first place. As it gets more serious again, that's when you figure things out.

[JessieGrey]

I checked out your post (the whole one--the novel) and I found myself nodding and relating. That's what happened to me---I got really jaded. When I knew I 'had' Jake, I just ran around (literally) and treated him like shit because I thought he wouldn't go anywhere. Now all of that is forgiven, but I messed up my chances even more by trying to get back together with him countless times this past winter. Everytime, I would get his hopes up only to go back with Sam or bail out like a coward because I was scared. Primarily, scared of hurting him again, but also scared of myself.

It sucks when you realize faults and accidents during the relationship, but are still so stuck that you don't do anything about it. Jake gave me a lot of chances to go back with him, when I didn't even deserve for him to speak a word to me. But, I thought he would always be there and, alas, he's not. So there is never an endless supply of chances. I've learned that.

I think it truly takes a relationship to wake someone up, if they are at all self-reflective. I think you learn just as much about yourself as you do about another.

I know you probably are over talking about it, but I can relate to your relationship from my past with Sam and my past with Jake. I was in your position with Jake (as you know), but I was in your ex's position when I was with Sam. (Mind you, this is my situation and maybe not applicable to yours at all, and I don't mean this in any non-constructive way) When we first met, we dated for about 2 weeks when Sam's ex moved back in with him, he informed me abruptly, and I was pissed! Then they inevitably broke up and he wanted me back. So I said we could be friends for a while, and we ended up sleeping together and then dating. A few months later, we got in a fight, I couldn't find him anywhere, none of his regular places, and I checked his email (something which I hadn't done before even though I knew his password) and he had sent one to his mom saying that he was at his ex's. I had seen messages from her saying she missed him etc...so I was livid! Did I mention he got evicted that night too? I mean the story goes on and on, mistake after mistake and I gave him a last chance earlier this winter to only have him lie to me and get evicted from another apartment. Dysfunctional as hell. So I guess, no matter how much he said he loved/loves me, there were so many mistakes, some littler, most really big, that I just couldn't handle it anymore (aside from a dwindling relationship from my feelings for Jake) so I left. For good. (We humans have an uncanny way of deviating somewhat relevant topics to complete rants about our own lives, huh?) Anyway, maybe there were some underlying issues that she didn't forthrightly address with you. Or maybe she just was upset at needing you there when you weren't. If you want to delve into those issues, I'd be happy to provide insight, but again, I'm coming from left field and may be trying to bring up situations that are buried and forgotten about. I just figure you've helped with a lot of insight into my issues and have subtly mentioned your own as well.

Yeah, Jake has been a super influential person in my life. Especially as he has seen me evolve this much. Those kinds of people, who stay through the bad, are the ones who matter most. I think it'll be a fresh start, if we were to get back together, because we would be fresh, 'new' people. He didn't have his whole life together either, and had his own issues (of which none questioned his integrity like mine). All I have to rely on right now is time.

-Jessie

[cmacattack1]

Well I'm flattered you took the time to read all that. I'm sure you can tell that I get down on myself very easily, I'm readily able to admit my faults but never do anything about them. I had more issues with myself than I did with my ex and her actions. Sure she contribued and she made many mistakes too, but ultimately I was the problem. I didn't open up and didn't give her one hundred percent as I did when we first starting dating, and that really upset her and pissed her off. She chased after that feeling we had but got sick and tired of my emotional abuse (withholding emotion). I was in no position to be in a relationship in the first place. You can't be happy with somebody else unless you are happy with yourself.

I appreciate you trying to offer me insight. I could keep diving in and trying to put a new spin on things, but I think I've more or less gotten enough out of it and there isn't anything really new I could learn from it. If you have any particular takes on it, I'd be all ears (I LOVE talking about me!).

I wanted to rearrange my priorities and I wanted to become a better person. I believe I ultimately have.

As for you and Sam, I guess it takes an ultimately shitty relationship to kind of appreciate what you had with Jake. My relationship went on for months of unhappiness longer than it should have and I think that ultimately drained my ex. Any relationship she could have after what we had has to be an improvement right?

I've learned to accept that there isn't anything I can do and even if she did want to come back, it wouldn't be the same again. She will more than likely not want to come back to me, or be friends which is something I'm not interested in doing at the moment.

It could be worked on to be a stronger better relationship but she has to want to do that along with me.

[JessieGrey]

Sure she contribued and she made many mistakes too, but ultimately I was the problem. I didn't open up and didn't give her one hundred percent as I did when we first starting dating, and that really upset her and pissed her off. She chased after that feeling we had but got sick and tired of my emotional abuse (withholding emotion). I was in no position to be in a relationship in the first place.

YES! That's what happened with Jake and myself. He always was mad that I would never open up. And likewise, I should not have even tried to be in a relationship at that time, especially with someone who cared about me to the extent that he did. I created a lot of damage that I've spent months mulling over and a few, trying to fix. But hey, as much as it sucks, I can appreciate that I recognize my mistakes. I was very verbally-reserved and spent a lot of my time talking to people who used to know me (who really sucked in the first place) and would just reinforce my negativity and pessimism. Bahh, but hey, it makes you feel better to learn from and move forward after knowing what you did wrong.

At this point, you've probably analyzed the relationship and break-up from every facet possible. It sucks even talking about when Jake and I were dating because I hate rehashing how bad I hurt someone, even if it is to grow from it, it still aches.

I guess with your relationship, now it has become less about the both of you and now just about how you can better yourself. It's like straining the content to find what substance you can work with--and that you can mold and renew. The rest of it, who cares any more?

And I don't think that any relationship she could have found necessarily would have, by default, been better. Absolutely not! I could have found an equally or even more shitty rebound and done the whole bullshit process over again, but I chose not to. As a former chronic-dater, I can attest that often I went to even more dysfunctional relationships after getting out of a crap one. And everyone's different, and I don't think it's possible to even put on a scale the crappiness of it. Because sometimes, the good outweighs the bad, but sometimes the bad is a lot worse than other bad...ha.

My relationship with Sam was a lot of fun. It was also pretty miserable at times. I guess I just realized that he is a lot of things that aren't healthy for me, and I'm looking for something different.

Again, you and your ex could do as Jake and I might try to, but then again some things are too damaged, or too far gone. I think you have your intentions clear, and are pretty realistic.

It seems you've matured enough to be able to tell someone else if they are or aren't a good fit for you (in a diplomatic way). That's good practice. See, I wish I had more hurdles so I could jump them and point out tangible ways that I've changed. I guess not running back to someone else, trying to find another in limbo, or sleeping with my ex just because we can, is evidence enough that I'm really changing. It feels damn good, through all the bad though, doesn't it?

-Jessie

[cmacattack1]

Absolutely. I can't imagine anybody else feeling as cheerful as me despite losing the love of their life. I've hit rock bottom, sure, but I've come back better than ever. It took me losing her to really appreciate what I had in the first place. Some people are hard headed unfortuantely.

It's changed my whole perspective on things. It's changed my list of priorities. I used to just want to have a good time, work a job, go out and mingle all the time. I did that while we were dating and didn't give her what I have to offer. The intimacy and connection we had together is the reason why I wanted to be in a relationship in the first place even though I wasn't ready for it. There is no substitution for that, nothing that can replace that with my former lifestyle.

She's got to want to find out to see if I changed, she's got to want to give me that benefit of the doubt. I haven't bothered her or contacted her since her new relationship. My friends told me I should, even my best friend who's helped me out so much. "Their relationship isn't even a year old? Forget that, you shouldn't respect that" he said. But if I did, I would just be like her ex boyfriend that cheated on her and showed up at her house begging her to bring him with her places. I still don't even know the truth of what happened that day, and at times it nags at me. She wasn't being honest at that point of the relationship either. Who am I to get in the way of her happiness if her new guy brings it to her? Even if their relationship isn't as good as what we had during the good times, I might have really made her believe that what we had doesn't exist in the long term.

Like I mentioned before though, love is not a transaction. You don't give something to somebody and expect them to reciprocate. It's nice that they do, but don't expect them to and get upset if they don't. The same with trust. Like with Jake. If he opens up to you that's great, but if you aren't ready to open up right away, you shouldn't be expected to or forced to. It's just going to make you shut down more.

Believe it or not, I think it's very mature of both of us to not declare we love the other person so quickly into a relationship. This kind of thing takes time to really develop. Maybe we took it so far the other way that we didn't want to at all, but that's because that is who we were at the time of dating. We were afraid of opening up and getting hurt. I pretty much shut down by month four. It takes that time to really get to know somebody and let things develop. If you barely knew them for a month or two and already declaring marriage, that does put a bit of pressure on the situation. And I think we both proved our exes otherwise that we weren't people that you should marry. Hence the breaking up being the best thing to happen to us, to change what is important.