Friend has a mild eating disorder how to handle?

[girl68]

Hello friends!

I have a very good friend I'll call her Mary. Mary comes from money which brings on a whole set of problems as in picking a 'well off' mate and yadda yadda.

Anyways over the summer her 'poor' boyfriend dumped her because he didn't feel the excitement anymore after about 2 years. It was long distance. This took a toll on her.

So after that she started being a helluva lot more anal with her eating habits. She's always been one to not eat much/ encourage everyone else to keep eating. But since the break up she's gotten worse. She started loosing weight. She's already really thin. Think 5'5 105lbs. Yeah, SKINNY. It's gross now.

So here are some examples:
-She won't eat breakfast, eat a pear for lunch and run for an hour to 'work it off'
-She will take a appitizer sized plate and fill it with the same ratio of food to plate as we fill our dinner plates.
-She 'secretly' puts the plate in the sink but takes her fork and scoops some more food in her mouth. (basically she's eating so little she's starving...)
-She will not eat dinner, but we'll got out for appy's and a drink. She will finish half a drink and 3 chicken nuggets and then force us to eat the rest.
-When she does it dinner- it's the most pathetic portion you have ever seen.

Anyways I think it's only mild becasue it's not as extreme as I have seen/ heard of. But she is very thin. Then she complains that her boobs are shrinking. I know that her body is starving and it is eating her ass/ tits. And I told her so.

I need stories, suggestions, ideas how to talk to her, get her into therpy, overcoming body issues, control issues. I don't know how to 'help' her. Yes, I know I cannot 'help' someone who does not want to be helped BUT- what CAN I do?

[QueenofCorona]

Most eating disorders are about the struggle for control, especially anorexia. She couldn't control her boyfriend breaking up with her. Now she can control what goes in and out of her mouth and the number on the scale. It also has to do with the need to feel she is perfect, like if she is skinny men will desire her. Maybe even her ex boyfriend will want her back she's maybe thinking.

The thing is she's not a kid (I assume). You can't force her to get help. She's got to recognize her issues and it may be awhile before she does so. Ultimately it will have to be her who wants to help herself.

The best thing I can suggest is to voice your concern. Say you've noticed she's not looking as healthy as she once did. I would avoid saying "You look skinny" that may just get her excited and enforce more of her habits. Let her know you realize she's gone through some life changing events and hard times in the past few months and are there to listen and help out any way you can.

[Gigabitch]

You need to talk to a professional. This could kill her. The person sitting right across from me at my office almost starved to death until she made her dying father a promise to live. Unless you can pull something like that off, get help, fast.

[vashti]

Eating disorders are amongst the most difficult to treat. She needs professional help with someone who has a track record of success.

[girl68]

I need to talk to a professional?! 1- I can't afford one. 2-I can't afford one. I'd love to get her to see one but how in the hell do I talk to her?

We've had a few discussion about her eating poorly. I never touched on the control aspect of it and perhaps I can the next time we talk. But mostly I've tried to encourage her to see someone about body image issues. She knows I've seeked therpy and is proud of me yet when it comes to her doing the same- no way.

Thanks QC, you bring vaild points. Won't say skinny.

And I do know that she thinks that I'm fat. If you look in my gallery I'm the farthest thing from! And I know she LOOOOVES the fact that me and her other bff are both 'bigger' than her. Our bff is 5'5 and a healthy 125 or so. Neither of us are remotely fat. But she gloats becuase she's the skinniest. I know she loves it. She puts about 3 more scoops of food when she serves us after we say okay, that's enough. Why? Because she wants to keep us 'fat'.

Other ideas ladies?

[girl68]

Eating disorders are amongst the most difficult to treat. She needs professional help with someone who has a track record of success.

That's wonderful- but I know this. My question is how to make her see that/ WANT to get help for herself. How to I suggest it? Talk about it? Encourage her to seek help?

[vashti]

Don't you two talk? You just say "I'm worried about your weight. You look unhealthy, and this could kill you. Please get some help. here's a phone number."

There isn't anything more to say.

[girl68]

Don't you think it has to approached a with a little more caution? It seems very rude. While, straight to the point it sure is. I'm just thinking that shit will hit the fan if I did that.

I know, I'm making all these excuses but if I did this I just think she'd be so pissed that she will overlook what I said becasue she's so mad. Our bff tried a cude, but straight to the point converstation like this on her once and she walked out on her. So obviously this is a tough one to tackle.

Though I will be looking up a number.

Does anyone know any local rescouses for Vancouver?

[Gigabitch]

I didn't say YOU needed to go into therapy with a professional. You need to CALL ONE and ask for direction on how to get your friend in there. They're not going to charge you a hundred dollars to do this.

[girl68]

REALLY? You can do that? Yeah, so didn't know that. Wait, is this free or are they going to be assholes and charge me still just not 100 bucks?

[Gigabitch]

Not for advice on how to get your friend in their door.

[girl68]

I'll give it a try.

[starbuck]

The main thing you're trying to convey overall is concern, not judgement, but I think you know this. Keep asking her if there is anything you can do, any way you can help, and offer to go see the therapist with her. If she starts getting angry, remind her that you love her and only want to see what's best for her as your friend.

From what I know about anorexics is that they do get pretty defensive about it when their friends try to call them out on it, so don't beat up on yourself if she gets pissy. Remember, this is her disease talking.

[Spring Haze]

Here's a place in your area - [url]http://www.caribooeatingdisorders.org[/url]

[vashti]

Don't you think it has to approached a with a little more caution? It seems very rude. While, straight to the point it sure is. I'm just thinking that shit will hit the fan if I did that.

The shit will hit the fan, count on it.

I think there is a big difference between being rude and being concerned, and I am sure you know how to convey the difference. It won't matter, though. You could use the most sugary-sweet words, and she will STILL be mad. That is the nature of this disorder. Just try to remove yourself from her emotional reactions. it won't help to be sucked in.