What exactly does my ex want from me?

**Confused_Human** · 31-01-10, 05:50 AM

I live in the UK, and my ex-boyfriend lives in the USA. We split up 3.5 years ago and it was quite messy. He emails me now and then. I got an email from him telling me he's angry and sad that I ignore him for months and that although he doesn't love me he misses the fact we used to be best friends.

I'm currently studying for a degree and we have 6 hours between us in regards to time zones so when he asks to speak to me at 12 am my time, I don't really feel like it. Of course there are other issues aside from this in regards to me not talking to him regularly, but I don't really feel it to be a problem like he does. He seems really hurt. What's the best course of action to take? He has told me that he'd rather not talk to me at all than feel ignored. The thing is, when we do talk he seems to expect a lot emotionally and hates small-talk so I tend to feel emotionally drained talking to him. Focusing on studying and having to open up is difficult for me to do a lot of the time. I really can't afford to do this if I have assignments piling up.

He has a girlfriend of 2 years and he has told me he loves me 'like a sister' and wants to continue his relationship, but that he misses the emotional intimacy we once shared.

This makes me feel quite confused. Is it really the case that my ex hopes for us to become emotionally close with all this physical distance between us? It takes time to build a relationship, and we have a huge time difference between us, aside from the fact I study most of the day. Does he want me to invest a lot of time into becoming close to him in order to be like a 'sister' to him?

Can anyone advise me on the best way to handle this situation?

**Lulu** · 31-01-10, 06:25 AM

Stop taking his calls- I had to do this once- best thing I ever did!

**Confused_Human** · 31-01-10, 06:33 AM

Originally Posted by Lulu

Stop taking his calls- I had to do this once- best thing I ever did!

I was up most of the night raging inside. I woke up wanting to cut him out of my life completely, but I keep thinking 'why does it have to come to this?'. I feel his expectations are... unreasonable? I can't help but wonder what his girlfriend thinks of his requests to me. Perhaps I just don't have much experience maintaining an emotional bond with my exes. I sure don't feel like a 'sister' to him!

**Petit Papillon** · 31-01-10, 07:00 AM

His gf probably doesn't know about You. Or the real things he's writing to You... Finish it, it will be better for all.

**Hillbilly** · 31-01-10, 07:07 AM

let him go.

**Confused_Human** · 31-01-10, 07:18 AM

Originally Posted by Hillbilly

let him go.

Do you think he actually wants me to be the one to say this? I feel that something just isn't right with how things are going for him. We spent the past 3 years barely keeping in contact and within the last 3 months we had one msn conversation where we apologised and told one another we missed our conversations and wished each other well. I didn't expect him to want to talk so regularly again because.... I feel it's odd seeing that he has a girlfriend. Perhaps I'm a very cut and dry person, but if I am seeing someone I wouldn't attempt to talk to my ex and ask them to be emotionally intimate. It seems like the perfect recipe for a lot of hurt.

I don't like to assume things, but I'm beginning to think he is still in love/infatuated with our history. I replied to his email and told him about my lack of time and availability to be open. I also told him that I was quite annoyed about him contacting me at irregular hours - as though he hasn't even considered an appropriate time for me. Since when is 12 am a good time for a chat?

Now I'm feeling upset that I've upset him and it's a silly mess!

**Hillbilly** · 31-01-10, 07:23 AM

I understand.,I had a long distance relationship once and it cannot work usless the (long distance)is taken out of the relationship. The fact that he has a gf only compounds the problem. I do think he misses certain things about you but he HAS a gf. Gotta let him go.

**1337lizard** · 31-01-10, 01:30 PM

I agree, let him go. You want to know what he wants from you? He's playing the field. By saying that he "loves you like a sister" it gives him a legitimate excuse to talk to you and build up an emotional relationship that his gf can't get overtly mad at him about and it's also an excuse for him. I have no doubt you two miss each other's conversations and that's probably what's fueling this. He's remembering the good times and misses certain things about you that he probably doesn't get from his current ex.

That being said, if you can fulfill his needs without actually having the title, he'll leave it in limbo. 'Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free' certainly works in this scenario.

Why I'm about 90% sure this is what's going on:

1. He doesn't love you like a sister. You two were dating before then you two split and didn't talk much for years. Sometimes the old flame becomes an ember that smolders until new wood is placed on top.

2. If he doesn't love you like a sister but claims he does then he has a reason for claiming this. It means he needs a legitimate excuse to be speaking intimately with you even though he has a girlfriend.

What else could this be? Damn if I know. This is the only scenario that really makes sense. Most likely still infatuated with you like you've sensed.

Do what you think is right for the situation and I'm sure everything will resolve itself

**Confused_Human** · 01-02-10, 01:40 AM

This is an extract from his email to me:

"I'm with someone else. I'm in a relationship that I don't want to give up. But I miss you. I miss feeling like we actually care about each other, that we share some degree of intimacy, that there is some loyalty between us. Things have changed, I don't love you anymore, or more like a sister, if so."

We broke up 3 1/2 years ago, and he has a girlfriend of 2 years. We live in different countries and haven't really kept in touch because we were both so sensitive about how the break up occurred. It was a passionate relationship with lots of ups and downs. We recently chatted on MSN a couple of months ago and then didn't talk much afterwards, although he requested that we talk the next week and recently that I call him. I replied that I was very busy and that I would try to keep in contact. I am currently studying for a degree and I'm in my final year. He would contact me at 12 am my time and this just isn't any good for me because I need my sleep.

What exactly does he want from me? I posted a question earlier, but thought I'd post an extract of his email for someone to read first hand and work out his intentions.

**Californication** · 01-02-10, 01:50 AM

Forget about him.

the " I miss u" seems fake to me, he's beeing nice. (I already read your story in the other topic)

So Move on. If he contacts you again tell him "You moved on, I did too. glad to hear you're happy

"

**AustinGuy** · 01-02-10, 04:38 PM

I would disregard the whole thing. I've written several emails to ex's over the years, and luckily I was smart enough to delete them before sending. Sometimes you just need to write it out and not send it. In his case, you were on his mind, he was thinking about old times, and he hit "send".
To me, the most immature thing you could say to a person is "I don't love you anymore" if you are already out of the relationship. If he wants to have a mature post-relationship with you, he should just say so.

**1337lizard** · 01-02-10, 10:41 PM

You really ought to keep this stuff in the same thread. It's easier to sort out if the entire story is together instead of separated.

Tell him you'd be happy to talk through e-mail as that is most convenient for your friendship since your days are so different thanks to differing time zones. Pushing him into something as emotionally void as e-mail should help you reduce stress a bit, especially since his calling was bothering you. Then tell him that he should work to be more intimate with his GIRLFRIEND so that he doesn't have to miss intimacy so much.

Yeesh, what a tool.

**Petit Papillon** · 01-02-10, 10:45 PM

Ok I moving it to the first thread about the same problem. It will be definately more helpfull to have the view on the whole situation.

PS. And to be honest OP, You really don't have to do 2 threads. People come and reply anyway, it's just more mess than we already have.

**Confused_Human** · 01-02-10, 11:25 PM

Sorry everyone, I should have post under the original thread. I replied to my ex outlining my lack of time to talk and a few things that have annoyed me about his expectations. He hasn't replied. Not really sure how to take it really. I didn't mean to cause upset.

**sookie6** · 02-02-10, 12:53 AM

I had 2 major relationships in my life and am still in contact with one of my exes.

It's not intimate contact. More like a quick email here and there...birthdays and happy new year stuff.

It's good to know that although the relationship turned sour my ex is till a dear one and hopefully I am for him.

My other ex is different. I have tried to be friendly and even years after the separation he is giving me the cold shoulder. We are in different countries, we have moved on but somehow he needs to cut all ties to be happy now.

We had a difficult break up with harshful words that we can't take back. Yet I still feel that we should have been able to remain friendly like a long lost cousin you know....waving at each other from a distance with no agenda whatsover...

To respond to your question your ex might be one of these people who stay emotionally attached to the people who counted in his life.

As someone said you could send him back friendly and short emails showing him that you don't hate him. Over time emails will naturally wear off a little bit like when you have penpal...

Thread: What exactly does my ex want from me?

Thread Tools

What exactly does my ex want from me?

Can someone explain my ex-boyfriend's email to me?

Posting Permissions