Confuzzled...

[LouisianaLady29]

Hi. Im new here and am a 29 year old female from Louisiana. Hope it's okay for me to jump right in. My situation is a bit sticky and talk show-ish, believe me it even makes me sick so forgive me if anyone is disgusted by it. I will try and be brief...early '08 I had a five month relationship with someone I thought was the man of my dreams. To make things seem even more perfect, I was the first woman that he'd introduced to his entire immediate family that he'd dated period. The reason this is a big thing is because he is Middle Eastern and he's always dated black women much to their disapproval, until they met me and liked me right away. I went on family trips and was included in his family business and just made a part of the family, everyone around them that knew them was shocked to see their acceptance of me. So I thought we were definitely set. But there were problems in the midst, he had an addiction to marijuana and some pills, about the third month in our relationship he began to listen to me and try and stop and even wanted to pursue a higher education, his family was so happy he'd met me and was "changing". Apparently he'd been giving them problems before he met me (He is 22 now, was 20 then)

Anyways, things seemed good, early the 5th month we had moved into our own apartment and we both employed in the family business and things seemed good. Til he stopped coming home at night and wouldn't even answer my calls barely in the day. Long story short, I finally caught up with a woman from his cellphone and when I asked her if she knew my boyfriend, she said no honey you mean my man? Im waiting for him to come home right now. He'd been living with her and I found the key Id given him to our place in my dresser. I saw this woman and I knew instantly what it was. She was into all the things he was trying to stop doing and had even been arrested several times for selling narcotics and using. Long story short, he left me for her. I was devastated, even more so a wk after he left found out I was one month pregnant.

I told him this and of course he didn't believe me. I asked him when its time for the first ultrasound come with me as proof, needless to say he never showed but his family stayed a part of my life and wanted to know the baby and they loathed his current gf. He took a hard turn, was looking dishelved, dirty, fighting in the street with this woman, stealing money from friends and fam and living in and out of hotels. To make the story shorter, she is in prison now and gave birth five months ago to their baby boy that I never knew about. He saw our daughter only once when she was 3 wks old told me he will never care anything for her and only has room to love his son, I asked him why, what did I ever do to you? He couldn't answer but told me to keep away from him and his family.

Fastforward to now, the other woman is still in prison, gets out in July this year, he is caring for their child. I tried everything to get him to love ours even subjected myself to a DNA test that he asked for and admitted after the positive results of her being his that he knew he didnt need it but still wouldnt care about our baby girl. He is raising his son now with the other woman but while the other woman is in jail right now he has a steady girlfriend which is weird, and he changed his number on me and his family I only speak to once a month. Oh and we all live within 5 miles of each other and their family business is 8 blocks from my house.

I am brokenhearted and confused, how can he do this to our daughter and how can he not care about his firstborn daughter and raise his son only. I dont wish his son fatherless but what about my little girl. Last I tried to talk to him was in November and asked him why is it like this when I did nothing to him or tell me what I did, he said nothing I just dont care about you or "your" daughter, we talked 30 minutes more to which he said sorry and that he would try and he would call me back the next day for us to try and work something out where he can be in his daughters life, he never did call back, has since changed his number and I haven't heard from him since.
I don't know what else I can do. Thank you in advance for listening.

[JaCzi]

Sorry that all of that has happened to you , I personally think you'd little girl would be alot better off without him in her life.. thats all i can really say

[Bumble_bee]

wouldn't you rather your little one grow in a secure and loving home with just you, than with a father who says he feels nothing for her? he may still have the problems he had before and after he met you....you don't really want to be part of all that drama do you? least of all your baby girl?

you really have to be strong now and see this situation for what it is, there are many women have been taking care of children single handedly for along time........ you can do this. Surround yourself with the people who do care, have a good support network and you will work through this hard time.

better to concentrate on the life you have now with your little one, than the life you could have had with all three of you (which from what you say, might just have been full of drama, lies and addiction problems)

I wish you all the best.

[LouisianaLady29]

Thanks so much ladies for your kind words and alot have told me in my life what you have both said that my little girl is better off, his own mom and sister told me the same thing but yet they are taking part in the son's life, so I think they were just saying that because they all just want me and my little girl to disappear but I think its best because I dont want my daughter to feel like she is "less" because she is not accepted and her half brother is so until the day she asks questions I will say nothing and have chosen to stop trying to be the one to initate them caring because my daughter may wonder why am I trying so hard and they are rejecting. I dont want her second guessing her already amazing self

It just hurts that they hated this woman so much and wanted her gone so bad they are the ones who called police and had her arrested by an old warrant in which shes serving one and a half years, six months to go and now they are all like awww, poor her not with her son and raising the son and pushing me and my daughter away when we have done nothing. I just don't get it. I talk with the grandmother (my ex's mom) on last week and she wants to see me and her son daughter when she visits the states in May but she hasnt called me again since then at all so I think at this point it is safe to say I need to just give up and its all for the best.

Its just hard when he lives and works so close and I see him almost every two days on my way to work or school and hes with his son outside the store or with his sons family. I am moving in two months to a twin city 25 mins away in my area so I dont have to see him or his family that is here in the states so much, he rarely hangs out in this city b/c cops don't play at all so I think that will help some. For those who already commented thank you for letting me vent

[IncognitoSir]

My goodness, this is a horrible situation. The VERY best thing you can do is stay far away from this guy. It's pretty obvious that he's stuck in his ways and doesn't even want to change what he's about. Don't let him ruin your life or your daughters. Go find yourself a real man who is up for the responsibilities of life. G'luck to you, stay strong!

[kuaisudi]

thank you for your share ,very great

[girl68]

Take his family's help if they offer.

[LouisianaLady29]

Take his family's help if they offer.

Thats just the thing they don't really show any more concern for her than he does. We talk (me and his mom) for like once a week sometimes once a month. She is coming from overseas in Jordan in May of this year and said for me to call her when shes here because she may not remember my number so she can see the baby, I may call her then but as for right now Im tired of being the one to initiate for them to do the right thing. If they want to know her they know my email, phone number, FB page and work number, they have NO excuse. I wish they did offer something really...only just their love for my little girl. But Ive been strong so far as much as it hurts so bad but I know I will be okay its is just taking quite a bit of time. I keep wondering should I try and talk to him in person but hes incapable of maturity so I dont know.

[LouisianaLady29]

I meant she is coming overseas *from* Jordan to the states, sorry I can't edit yet

[girl68]

but his family stayed a part of my life and wanted to know the baby and they loathed his current gf.

Here you say that they're staying a part of your life and want to know the baby. Are you saying that they said that but went back on it?

If in fact they don't care much about the your child there isn't much you can do in the way of that. Give her a call when she comes here, that's the least you can do if she at that point chooses not to come see you/ the baby well then that's a different story but you should at least TRY.

If that doesn't work out lean on your family they seem like the only folk that does care about you and the child. Her faither is toxic, don't let toxic things into her life. I would argue no father is better than a father who is forced to spend time with his child who brings all sorts of terrible things into her life not to mention he refuses to even aknowledge his kid...

[LouisianaLady29]

Here you say that they're staying a part of your life and want to know the baby. Are you saying that they said that but went back on it?

Yes, exactly. When he left me a little before I found out I was pg and then stayed gone even after I told him about it, my entire pregnancy they were in my life, he moved out of state with the other woman but they both ran back here from crimes commited against her personal friends and stealing from some of her family together by then Id had my baby and some time after his family began to shy away once they found out upon their return she would be giving birth to his son. As for right now there isnt much I can do about them either you are right but yes I have planned on calling her when she is in the states once. If she doesnt take action from there then Im done period with it.

[Gigabitch]

Well, what kind of action are you hoping she'll take? Do you think his family should try to make him come back to you? Leave his son and come to take care of his daughter?

Can you think of any reason why they would be more interested in that little boy than in your little girl?

[LouisianaLady29]

Well, what kind of action are you hoping she'll take? Do you think his family should try to make him come back to you? Leave his son and come to take care of his daughter?

Can you think of any reason why they would be more interested in that little boy than in your little girl?

I most certainly do not want him removed from any of his other children's lives at any cost. I grew up without a father and know what that feels like. And while I will be honest and say that I do still love him I would never be back in a relationship with him after how he used me only to take from me to give to the woman he really loved. He loves this woman that is why he is proud of this child and not ours, it is no excuse but is the reason plain and simple. She told me and him that there will be no communication or she is gone, child or no and he didn't want to lose her so he chose her and her son. If it were up to me I would hope that he would love all his children, our daughter included, how he feels about me is something I cannot change nor have any desire to. Someone who can abandon his child for no apparent reason doesnt deserve my respect enough for me to give one iota how he feels about me much less change myself for him. Hes happy where he is and that is fine but it is NOT okay that he cannot at least TRY and find room to love his daughter.

I dont expect his mother to do anything because she is his mother, my daughters grandmother, not HIM. She cant make him do anymore than I can wish on a star and think it will come true. I want if she wants for her to be a part of my daughters life, her family. That is it, that is all. Does that answer your questions? As for why, only thing I can think is in their culture Ive been told by them and my other Middle Eastern friends that a son is often times more revered than a daughter.

[Gigabitch]

Do you think it would be different if you had a son rather than a daughter?

[LouisianaLady29]

Do you think it would be different if you had a son rather than a daughter?

I can't really say...that's a good question. Two things I know for sure it would've been different though. If I was accepting of his type of lifestyle when we were together, like when he wanted to smoke marijuana I would make him go outside or beg him not to and lets see a movie instead he would say I was "boring" but the other woman he left me for not only smoked that plus took the pills he liked to, she was a supplier/seller as well (I know this because she was arrested twice while they were together and there's a website in my city where you can see who and when and all there charges with the law past and present) hers matched his almost identically, minus his traffic stuff. And they were both on probation when they met. So I think if I hadn't been "boring" we would've still been together but that would've meant me having our child around drugs and shady characters.

And if I'd gotten pregnant before he met her and he'd had time to bond with the baby then yes, he would've loved her. We thought I was pregnant our third month together and he was happy about it but I was just late. I didn't find out I was actually pregnant until nearly a month after he left me, I thought I was late again from stress of crying over him. But I saw it in his face he wanted that baby with me then but another woman could give him what I couldn't so he left. But I don't use drugs and have only had traffic tickets, what was I supposed to do, turn "hood" all of a sudden just to keep him, no thanks.

Honestly talking with you guys about this now and looking back this isnt just on him but on me too. I saw what type of man he was, not owning up to responsibility, dropping things not convenient to him at the drop of a hat, ignoring court orders, taking drugs and I still opened myself up to have a child with him having sex unprotected and now he's gone and hasn't changed because for her and the new one he didn't have to. When I talked to his mom last week, she told me I can't even feel special about either grandchild anymore because he has one with each one...its a rumor out that got to her that the woman hes with now until A gets out of jail is pg now and there is possibly another who he's not taking care of, so I don't know really the answer to your question, sorry.

It's all one big sordid mess and it's my innocent daughter right at the center. I'm glad she's here but I wish I'd been more careful who I decided to open myself up to have a child with. Can't put all the blame on the ex, some of it is mine. Some women won't even admit to that, but I have done nothing and our daughter has done nothing for him to turn his back on her.