I don't know what to do..

[BillyGalbreath]

I know what I want. I've had time to think. I've had time to put things in perspective. I think I've figured it out. But I don't know what to do about it.

My ex from over 2.5 years ago, Robin, is what I want. I can't explain it. I'm in love. I know it. I left her a long time ago for reasons I cant seem to figure out. Maybe I was too young and everything was just too overwhelming for me. That is what I truely think happened. I really don't know. But I do know that when I left her I felt like shit doing it. I knew I didn't want to do it. I did it anyway. I went against my will and judgement and left. No reason, no nothing. I packed my things and moved in with another woman.

The entire time I was with this other woman I was in love with Robin. I knew it from the bottom of my heart. I would get nervous all over again when around her. My stomach would have the butterflies in it. I would get weak at the knees. I even cheated on the woman I was with 7 different times with Robin. We even had a threesome for a weekend about 1.5 years after I left Robin.

When around both women I would spend more time with Robin, I would give her the attention and everything. I know it was wrong in every way to do what I was doing because I drug both women thru hell. It eventually caught the best of me, I believe.

During the two years I was with this other woman I tried everything I could to block robin from my mind and heart. I even made up little make believe things that happened that made me hate her. I learned to hate the woman I was in love with because I created a false reality in my mind of what was going on. I became a totally different person. Even the woman I was with noticed the change. I became cold, heartless, and I isolated myself from not only Robin, but the entire world. My world became all about the woman I was with. I showered her with attention and affection. I worshiped the ground she walked on. Eventually Robin and I stopped seeing each other for long periods of time and I forgot all about her. She never existed in my mind at all. No love, no hate. Nothing. This is when I fell in love with the other woman. And again, I changed into a new person. My mind had been so corrupted from the self that I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I wanted. And for a time.. Things were good.

Me and the other woman split up, and I cried many tears. I hurt badly. And never once did Robin cross my mind. For a good month or two all I thought about was the woman that broke my heart. I wondered why she left me. I had to know how it was that I screwed things up. And I slowly began to realize I am not me. I don't know me. Who am I ? Where am I ? What the hell happened ??!

Over time things clarified themselves in my mind. All the realities split themselves apart and its clear to see what really happened and what I made up. I know now... I love Robin. I want her back. I want to take her into my arms and appologize a trillion times and cry a million tears and tell her what happened.

Robin is 22 now, enganged to a guy that is in California. I don't even know whats going on between the two of them anymore. Last I heard she was supposed to move to cali to be with him, but it has been almost a month since she was supposed to leave.

I don't know if she will believe me if I was to tell her how I feel. She is a down to earth kind of woman, and she will prolly see me as someone on the rebound, or someone looking for a piece of ass. When in fact this is not the fact. I love her. I want to marry her. I've wanted to marry her since I was 16 years old. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

My dad hates her. He thinks I did the right thing by leaving her. He thinks she is a money hungry manipulative bitch. those are his exact words. She never once asked me for anything. She never once manipulated me. She never once used me for anything. She has been the only person in my life that treated me with respect. She was nice to me when no one else was. She loved me when no one else would. She loved me.. I love her.. My dad hates her. And he will hate me if I get back with her.

I know she can make me happy. I know I can make her happy. We were so happy when we were together. It was a love that was untouchable. Everything was so perfect. She is the love of my life. She is the one I will love for all of my days. I want her back. I want her to be mine.

But I dont know what to do. I dont know what to say. I dont know how to act. Alot of people are involved which have srong opinions. My dad's side hates her. Her whole family hates me. My moms side loves her and hates me. And still alot of people want us to get back together - my Mom being the one that wants it the most. But the majority wants us apart.

To be honest, I dont care what anyone thinks. I dont care what they say, or what they do. I love Robin, and no one is going to stop us from being together except for her.

But yet again.. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach her. I don't know what to say to her. I just simply dont know what to do. I don't want her to hurt anymore than I've already caused her - thats for sure. I dont know how she will take it if I tell her. And if I do tell her I dont know what to say.

I've tried to call her 3 times this week to talk to her, but she never answers the phone. I don't know if she has a job again. I dont know if she sleeps during the day. I dont know if she has caller id. I dont know.

Someone please help me. I am so lost. And this is the one thing I am finally sure about that I want to do. I want to tell her. I want to get her back. I want to make her happy. I want to start all over with her from the beginning and do everything right this time. I don't want to loose her. I fear I already have.. Help !

[*JuicyPinkApple]

It Seems That I Am Following You Billy But Im Not Lol..Your Proberly Expecting Everyone To Say Awww And Offer You Sympathy! Well Im Not Giving You Any! You Left Her First, How Do You Think She Felt? The Same That You Are Feeling Now Proberly. Now She Has Found Herself A New Life Which Really May Be A Better One Than What She Would Have With You. You Need To Think. Im A Great Biliever In Things Only Happen For A Reason. You Say That You Dont Want To Loose Her, But Sorry Mate You Already Have. Get A Grip On Your Self! There Are People Dying In The World. Take The Thing In Russia. Parents Have Lost There Children Innocently. They Have The Right To Feel Lonely And Would Love To Start From The Begginig And Do Everything Right! What Your Feeling Is Completly Different And Was Self Inflicted. Pull Your Self Together! x1x

[BillyGalbreath]

I don't want sympathy - I want to know if I should talk to her or not... She isn't happy in that relationship tho - well to an extent she is.. I made her happier, and her and I both know it. He has been gone since before Christmas - in jail at that. They've only spent about 2 months together in person. Maybe 2 months before that they talked on the internet. And now for almost a year he has been in a California jail.

Her and I have two kids together, and I know she still has SOME feelings for me. I just don't know whether or not I should talk to her.

You know what... forget it. I dont even know why I posted this. I already know in my heart I should go talk to her. I'll regret it later in life if I dont. Even if she turns me down.. at least I'll know its too late. I just want to at least know.

This is not a thread for sympathy. How come everyone thinks I want sympathy ? I hate sympathy. I show none and I expect none from ya'll.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

There Are People Dying In The World. Take The Thing In Russia. Parents Have Lost There Children Innocently. They Have The Right To Feel Lonely And Would Love To Start From The Begginig And Do Everything Right!

That....was hopelessly irrelevant.

Let me come at you from both sides Billy. Firstly I understand what pink is saying here. From your explanation (or lack thereof) of why you left her it's pretty clear that you ****ed up. You know that, I know that. But that's the beauty of the past, you never HAVE to worry about it because guess what, it never changes. So while I see the female perspective here it isn't the side I have experience with. I'm more concerned with saying "you ****ed up, now what?"

You know, this happens everyday and it's really a shame. I know you can't explain what posessed you to do it, no one expects you to. The point is now you've learned from your mistake. You've learned a LOT. Remember a quote from one of my PMs I sent you. "Problems are nothing but oppurtunities." It's so completely true. If you can't see it you aren't looking at your situation the right way. What you know: she engaged to some guy in California. She still here a month after she should've left. I sense apprehension. NOW is the time to do something. Calling....that's not going to cut it. Do something dramatic, think John Cusack with a boombox over his head playing Peter Gabriel kind of dramatic. Something MAJOR. Grab her attention and don't let it go until you've expressed everything to her you need to. Whether or not your relationship is salvagable you need to get this out of your heart and onto the table. Go with your gut on this one, but if it's really this important to you do something RIGHT THIS INSTANT. The more you sit on it the less serious you truly are. Prove to me you want this girl, don't you DARE respond to me until you have gone out and done your damndest to prove to her what you've told us. I don't wanna see you back here until you've done that.

[tooxshort]

"We don't quit at halftime!! You don't score ... UNTIL you score!!"

[BillyGalbreath]

Ok. I left work early today to go buy some flowers and a giant stuffed dolphin (she LOVES dolphins) and then I got my band together and we went over to her house at 4:30 (she gets home around 4:00 from work). I was gonna sing for her a song I wrote a long long time ago for her while the band played after I gave her the roses (12 ****ing dozen of them...) and a giant dolphin (which is harder to find than you'd think). Her mom answers the door and I was like "Is Robin here?!" - I was all excited and pumped up, so I prolly sounded like I was on crack.. She replies "She's gone." And My face dropped. "She left a few days ago to California. She seemed all excited about it." The roses fell out of my hand and onto the ground right before my hands hit the ground. I was balling like a baby. Nick drug me by the arms back to the truck as I cried. Tommy picked up the roses and placed them in the dumpster and told Robin's mom "I'm very sorry, but we have to go now. Please don't mention this to Robin." That is about the time she broke out into tears too. I don't know what happened to the dolphin. I hope we didn't leave it there... I really don't want to ruin it for Robin. She is happy where she is at. And it's what she deserves. I am done. I got to go. Laters everyone.

[malicia]

Um... like a movie... like a sad song... like me playing the guitar, all alone. Is this really goin' on?

[BillyGalbreath]

Yeah, it's really going on. This is my life. Welcome to it.

Horoscopes For Today: 9/10/2004
Your day starts out full of hope and endless possibilities. Do whatever is necessary to grab that first fresh moment of the day between the hazy cobwebs of your dreams and the memory of yesterday. If you need a little rest and relaxation, revel in it. Don't feel guilty about ignoring any new distractions, no matter how urgent they may seem. It's a new day, with a new set of possibilities.

Looks like its time to move on. I got what I asked for. I wanted to know for sure. Now I do. I don't know what else to say, so I'll just end it here.

[cbee]

I'm sorry.

It's never good to hurt. I'm sure you'll get there though, people always do!!!