Just found out gf is MARRIED :(

[InYourEyes]

Greetings All!

I'm new here so heres a brief background...

I'm a 29 year old male and my gf is 22 and we've been dating since May 2009. I'm currently a graduate student and she's an undergrad senior. Prior to our relationship, my gf was with another guy, an international student, for a little over year.

Since I've been with my gf, her ex would call her and text her constantly sometimes in the wee hours of the morning asking for her back and telling her that he still loves her. He knows that she's in a new relationship yet he still calls her all the time. She hardly ever picks up his calls or responds to his messages and swears to me that she has moved on and is no longer in love with him and doesn't understand why he still constantly calls her 24/7. She tells me that she loves me and that I make her happy and she wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Today her ex called many times to no avail. Frustrated, he calls her mom to see how things were going. At this point I got pretty fed up and am pretty frustrated with the whole ex situation (7+ months of annoyance). After hours of talking and arguing with my gf asking her why this guy doesn't just give up she tells me that she is married to this guy!!!!

At this point I'm in utter shock. I've been dating this girl for 8-9 months and we've pretty much been living together during this time even spending a week vacation in Cabo San Lucas and Puerto Vallerata. We see each other every day with the exception of when we're in class and occasional weekends when we visit our parents back home. Not once did she mention to me that she's "married."

She tells me that she was hopelessly in love with her ex when she agreed to marry him. She (a U.S. citizen) also wanted to help him out because he was an international student desperately seeking permanent resident status as his student visa was going to expire. They end up breaking up a few months later after the guy said that he needs some space or whatever and she tried to commit suicide because she loved him so much. Thankfully her attempt was unsuccessful. We met a few months after this incident and the rest is history.

What should I do? I don't know what to feel. I guess a part of me always knew that she was hiding something from me in regards to her ex. I thought perhaps she was cheating on me with him but since I couldn't prove anything, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that that wasn't the case. As it turns out ...shes married to the guy and he's probably just keeping tabs on her to ensure that his citizenship/green card prospects don't get hindered. I asked her if she would consider divorcing him asap but she refuses saying that she doesn't want to hurt him by deporting him. She wants to stay "married" to this guy for another 2 years until his conditional 2 year green card status turns into a 10 year green card. I really like this girl...perhaps even love this girl, but I cant get away from the fact that she would hide such a serious issue from me.

When was she planning on telling me this? What if I was planning on proposing to her next year or the year after? Would she have told me then?? What are your reactions to this situation? I really don't know what to feel. I'm afraid that in the near future if we do decide to get married, what if this guy refuses to divorce her (some crazy guys out there believe in the thought that "if I can't have her...no one can")...what would I do then? What if she gets filthy rich and he's broke? ....etc...etc... help please

[Perryville]

Dump her, immediately!!!!!!

[irrelevant_89]

Perryville, not so fast. Ok, she was definitely wrong in not telling you, but how many times do people hide stuff about their lives because they're afraid to lose the person they love? It's a bad mistake, but should she be given capital punishment for it?

InYourEyes... sure, she's married, but just on paper. The real marriage was over a long time ago, and the most important thing is how emotionally committed she is to you. Should you doubt that? In all honesty I think not. She was just trying to get away from her past by hiding it from you. It's wrong but understandable. It's you she loves now, and that's what counts.

That said, that ex is likely to give problems, since he is not at all happy with losing her, and the eventual divorce process will probably be complicated. It's not a matter of whether you should forgive her, but whether you feel coping with these problems is worthwhile. And if you love her enough, it probably is.

[vashti]

I think she is going to have to decide if it is more important to honor the fake marriage or more important to honor your real relationship.

[Perryville]

Irrelevant, sure, everybody has things that they would not like their SO to find out, but this is beyond that. This woman is MARRIED! For Chrissakes! No amount of sugar-coating can alter the fact that she entered into this relationship under false pretenses, and completely decieved Inyoureyes, from the very beginning. Regardless of her protestations that it is only a "paper", marriage, the dishonesty is unbelievable.

[VincenzoG91]

Three different times in the past, I've dated women who turned out to be married. Everybody always wants to make a good impression on the first date. The second date is the typical time for potential deal-breakers like this to come out, along with other potential strikes like kids, alcoholism, a surprising age difference, etc.

To me, the real red flag in this situation isn't the husband, as it's obvious that things didn't work out between them. No, the real problem is that she is an unstable drama queen who attempted suicide just months ago. Ask her what kind of counseling she has been through since then. She isn't ready to be dating again, and you probably aren't equipped to deal with her very serious issues. Get out now.

[irrelevant_89]

^ very good point. I missed the suicide thing on a first reading. I wouldn't feel very well abandoning a woman with such issues, but isn't that what you call Shining Knight Syndrome? yeah.

Perryville, I'm not questioning that what she did was wrong, but just saying it is forgivable in the right circumstances. But if you feel it's not the case I'll go with it - not like I know much about these things anyway. :]

[Gigabitch]

I agree with Vincenzo. She's a pain in the ass. If she really wanted this guy off her case, she'd threaten to divorce his dumb ass and have him deported if he didn't leave her alone. He's harassing her because she wants him to. She wants him to because she's a drama parasite and as soon as he stops, she'll start creating it with you.

Run, InYourEyes.

[IndiReloaded]

You aren't going to like reading this but objectively, this gal sounds like a headcase. You need to run while you still can.

- married but lies about it
- still talks to her ex but won't divorce
- acts as if she isn't married (denial)
- tries to commit suicide b/c she can't handle a breakup

Dump her now. She will probably freak, its her life and issues to sort out, not yours. You aren't married to her, you didn't ask for any of this. You deserve someone who comes to you clean. Read the thread about Shining Knight and don't go there:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26633-description-shining-knight-syndrome.html[/url]

[InYourEyes]

Thanks fellas, you guys offer some excellent points. I believe that she's just an extremely passionate person especially with her emotions and such fervor ends up harming her at times. I hope that she understands the mistakes she made in the past and have learned from them. I just need to be assured that she has moved on from this. I really like this woman and I don't want to run away just yet.

We had a long discussion last night and I asked her this... IF you had to make a choice either: 1) have me walk away from this relationship or 2) divorce this guy NOW and we'll work things out. What would you do? She says that she would divorce him now. I'm not sure if I intend on enforcing this ultimatum but I just might have to in the near future after I think things over more clearly this weekend. Do you think I'm being an assh0le for screwing this guy over in terms of his green card status or is this a reasonable request? I think its acceptable given that he still has 2 years left on his conditional green card so allows him plenty of time to find someone new and move on. Regardless of this immigration status issue ...the bigger picture at hand is whether or not I can or should trust this woman going forward.

But besides this HUGE issue, there's really not much other baggage with her. And the remarks on her being a drama queen...sure she's a bit dramatic at times, but what woman or man isn't? Sure her case is a bit extreme, but she's still relatively young and still learning from her mistakes. Bottom line is she makes me happy and I enjoy her company and thats far out weighs the drama.

Thanks again fellas

[Gigabitch]

She doesn't have to divorce him to get him out of her life. He doesn't have to get screwed over at all.

[InYourEyes]

She doesn't have to divorce him to get him out of her life. He doesn't have to get screwed over at all.

Can you please explain more? He's obviously still crazy for this girl because he tells her that he wants her back and loves her and will wait for her etc. How can we get him out of her life?

Also, how will he get screwed over if she divorces him now? He still has 2 years to find another partner? Its not like my gf is asking him for money in order to stay married. They were truly in love when they got married, but as many of us know, marriages don't always last. She's just too nice...she promised him that she will help him get status and she intends on keeping that promise. I'm questioning her decision to do so. I feel like if he is crazy and delusional enough, can't he hurt her move in the future. For example, he can refuse to divorce her and make her pay huge legal fees to sort things out. Furthermore, what if she gets RICH and he wants to scam her to take her possessions? Are these all possibilities or am I just being paranoid?

[Gigabitch]

First of all, it's unlikely that someone as young and flaky as your girlfriend is about to become a millionaire.

Secondly, I thought she married him in the first place to facilitate his citizenship. I thought his student visa was about to expire.

If he needs to stay married to stay here, she can pretty much tell him to leave her alone or she'll divorce him and get him thrown out of the country.

[InYourEyes]

First of all, it's unlikely that someone as young and flaky as your girlfriend is about to become a millionaire.

Secondly, I thought she married him in the first place to facilitate his citizenship. I thought his student visa was about to expire.

If he needs to stay married to stay here, she can pretty much tell him to leave her alone or she'll divorce him and get him thrown out of the country.

Yes she married him not only to help him out with his status but because she was truly and madly in love with him. She was intending on spending the rest of her life with him and when he wanted a break that destroyed her (hence her suicide attempt). Yes she is young and very naive at times but she's got a good head on her shoulders and comes from a solid family. She's bio/pre-med on a scholarship, her sister is attending Harvard on a full scholarship and her father is a retired surgeon. Good booksmart genes in the family...but she lacks common sense. Its a shame...

[Queen Bee]

It's up to her to end that relationship. Make her see how ridiculous it is to be juggling a husband and a boyfriend at the same time. Although that marriage is more a business transaction to her now, the other guy doesn't perceive it that way. When they broke up, it should've been a clean break, with no baggage left behind. Why's she making sacrifices for the guy she's no longer with? Marriage can't be thrown around so loosely. If neither of them signed a pre-nup, she can lose half her possessions. She needs to end it soon, and not drag this on any longer. Seriously...she doesn't owe the guy anything.