He won't marry me.

[NRGRL2009]

Hi everyone-

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a few months over 3 years. We have a son together that, although unplanned, we both really love. We have lived together basically since we first started going out. We were friends for at least a decade before we got together. He is in the military (joined about a year into our relationship) and deployes in December. When he was in basic training, he asked me if I would marry him through a letter. I said yes and he responded he would buy me a ring when he got home with his bonus he got from joining the military. He even starts writing the letters to me using his last name after my last name as if we were married. I'm excited so I tell my sister, who is in the diamond business, and she says she will help us get a great deal on a nice ring when he gets home. So, a few months later, he gets home and ... doesn't buy me a ring. Instead, he buys himself an expensive, brand new sportbikewith all of the money. My sister, of course, kept asking when we are going to go ring shopping and I am, honestly, too embarassed to tell her he spent the money elsewhere. I ask him what is up and he says he will workout a way to get me a ring. So, she gets us a great deal and she pays for the ring ($700)...and he says he will pay her back month by month. The ring comes in the mail while I am at work (she lives out of state) and he gets it. But, he doesn't give it to me. Weeks go by. She keeps asking if he's given it to me and, of course, I say no. He says he will, he just hasn't found the 'right time'. Weeks turn to months. I am getting worried and question him about it. By this time, he still owed $200 to my sister which he was late on paying...so I just give her money to pay for it since I feel bad for her. Finally, Dec. 2008 he gives me the ring...doesn't even get down on one knee...he just kinda slips it on my finger at night. Then, Jan 2009, we findout I'm pregnant.

And............ it is 2010 now. I gave the ring back to him in Dec and said he can give it to me if/when he ever wants to actually marry me. He says he will before he deploys. But, I don't want him to marry me because I want him to. My feelings are just especially hurt because HE was the one to bring it all up...I never mentioned marriage before he asked me to marry him!! He talks like we will be together forever but why won't he marry me? All of his family even wonders what he is doing. But, I don't want to push him into anything. However, at the same time...we have a kid together and the end of this year he is going to leave for 1 year. It doesn't seem fair I am always in limbo waiting for him. Since I have to wait for him, it would be nice to have his commitment to me in the form of marriage. Marriage it is a promise to me that he is devoted to me...I know it will not fix anything so that is not why I want it. I would like it because if I am going to put another year of my life into this (without even seeing him!) I need to know he actually wants to be with me for the longrun. I don't want to put so much more time/energy/heartache into something that is not and will not go anywhere. I just want him to be honest. But, I don't think he will ever say 'No, I don't plan on ever marrying you' because he doesn't want me to leave him. The worst thing we could do is get married when his heart isn't in it.

Gahhh I do not know what to do! I don't even think I would leave him if he straight-up said he won't marry me. I just want to know what I am in for so I don't have all of these false hopes.

Sorry so long.

What should I do? What do you think is going on with him?

Thank you!!

[IndiReloaded]

Get married. Work it out. You have a child to think of now, its not just about you. He could be afraid of commitment, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and won't make a good husband.

Is he responsible, stable, able to grow into a good father & husband? How about you as a wife and mother? You aren't mentioning any real dealbreakers in your post.

Those are the questions you should be asking. Good luck.

BTW, I think you are focussed on the wrong thing. A diamond ring is rather impractical considering you have a child. Mbe you should grow up a bit and think about your family's longterm security. Put the money for a diamond ring towards a house or car--something you need and can afford.

[IncognitoSir]

Get married. Work it out. You have a child to think of now, its not just about you. He could be afraid of commitment, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and won't make a good husband.

Is he responsible, stable, able to grow into a good father & husband? How about you as a wife and mother? You aren't mentioning any real dealbreakers in your post.

Those are the questions you should be asking. Good luck.

BTW, I think you are focused on the wrong thing. A diamond ring is rather impractical considering you have a child. Maybe you should grow up a bit and think about your family's long term security. Put the money for a diamond ring towards a house or car--something you need and can afford.

I agree partially with you here, but he just bought a sports bike!? I can see why this is alarming to you. If HE asked you to marry him then why has he backed out so suddenly. You shouldn't marry a guy who clearly has commitment problems......why would you do that? That doesn't help the kid at all btw. If you guys got married and it didn't work out, splitting up the family would not be cool for the kids especially. Sounds like he needs to realize he has 2 kids and a gf to worry about other than himself. Him avoiding the whole thing (not communicating with you) inst helping the situation. Although it sucks for you now, its better that all these problems are ironed out now rather than realizing them 3 months into a rushed marriage.

[NRGRL2009]

BTW, I think you are focussed on the wrong thing. A diamond ring is rather impractical considering you have a child. Mbe you should grow up a bit and think about your family's longterm security. Put the money for a diamond ring towards a house or car--something you need and can afford.

The ring was bought before I was pregnant.

[vashti]

You are kind of out of options here, if you intend to stay with the father of your child. You can't really offer any ultimatum because of the kid... all you can do is to tell him your reasons for wanting to get married (and they ARE legitimate), and hope he will agree.

[sookie6]

Please tread carefully if he is supporting the family financially.

If it all blows out of proportion and you end up having a big fight he might leave the house.

Now we all know these things can happen dreadfully quickly and if he's out you'll be worse off financially (unless you are a high earner).

You need a back up plan if you want to pursue this till the end.

personally I think Vashti is right here.? Your options are limited. I mean apart from his feelings you have not got any arguments to add up that could convince him to make a decision.

[Doc Durian]

First things first, disregard any financial considerations in which to base a decision, for or against. Money is the root of all evil. You're after an intimate and loving relationship, not a business deal... despite whatever financial considerations pressing on you.

Consider this:

Unplanned pregnancies can screw a guy's mind up. Been there, done that myself. In a new or newer relationship, an unplanned pregnancy somewhat takes free will out of the equation because you're going to be committed to the other person whether you're together or not.. or at least until the child is 18... and even then, there are situations beyond your child's 18th birthday where continued verbal and/or physical contact will be required (university graduation, marriage, grandchildren, get-togethers, etc...)

Being shackled isn't necessarily something he fears or doesn't/didn't want, but the choice was once there. He had a choice as did you.

Voila, unexpected child... then a second unexpected child....

(Can you see where this is going?)

He may feel like he's, for better or for worse, already married to you for life and he may be mourning the loss of free will and youth, though "choice" above all.

ie... There was mention of a purchased crotch rocket by him. (I genuinely thought at the/my time that I was taking a contract in another country in order to grow a future... although I see now that I wanted the feeling of freedom I had lost. Didn't understand back then what I was doing as I did it, incidentally.)

The man may love you and your children together with all of his heart.

But correct me if I'm wrong when I say that he may not have been ready for this stage in his life when many of his armed forces buddies are footloose and fancy free.

Ultimatums or not so subtle directives about marriage may have the opposite desired effect in your situation.

He's got two "obligations" which may be wearing heavy on his heart and sense of self. You want him to propose because he wants to.

If you love him and believe you have a good future together, don't make a third obligation.

Either be silent about it or "take a break" but with an open mind between the pair of you.

If it was meant to be, he'll make it happen. If you can't wait for however long that could take, propose to him yourself or move on.

Marriage is free will. Unexpected children aren't. (and if you're going to continue making love with this man, may I suggest you both religiously use and take contraceptives)

[sookie6]

First things first, disregard any financial considerations in which to base a decision, for or against. Money is the root of all evil. You're after an intimate and loving relationship, not a business deal... despite whatever financial considerations pressing on you.

I agree with you Dorian except for this. You need money to dress and feed the kids. Financial security is priority for now and very much part of the equation.

If you don't come to an agreement on the issue and this ends up with him considering runing away from the nest you know your kids will always have half of everything. Somehow discussions around mariage often ring like an ultimatum to men's ears. So very careful when you phrase your expectations.


I am not saying that you should live together if you don't love each other but is it worth pursuing this mariage thing now and risk a turn to the worse?

[Doc Durian]

I agree with you Dorian except for this. You need money to dress and feed the kids. Financial security is priority for now and very much part of the equation.

If you don't come to an agreement on the issue and this ends up with him considering runing away from the nest you know your kids will always have half of everything. Somehow discussions around mariage often ring like an ultimatum to men's ears. So very careful when you phrase your expectations.


I am not saying that you should live together if you don't love each other but is it worth pursuing this mariage thing now and risk a turn to the worse?

I can see where you're coming from but in today's everyday age of failed marriages, children born out of wedlock, and the court systems, children are generally and financially looked after... particularly with servicemen and their wages.

I don't reckon he has anywhere to run on this. He has two very young children. He will be garnered whether he likes it or not. If they've known each other for nearly a decade and still gotten together, I'd say that he has very deep feelings for the OP and it wouldn't even come to the court system. He would do the right thing just because.

It's a misconception that once you have children, your romantic life is over... but it's a widespread misconception ingrained from the old days.

It may not even be spoken aloud, but it remains, particularly when the couple are still in their earlier years. Modern society is about the "hook up" and not so much about the "stay together".

With the heavy emphasis on equality of the sexes we've all been ingrained and raised on...love, patience, and understanding is now a two way street. We don't have shamans, priests, and community groups ram rodding the same mantras like the near entirety of human history has shown us in records.

Just the courts... like contractual obligation arbitrations when broken meets preconceived and disjointed societal expectations.

You're right. I agree with you that she needs to financially look after her children but I also feel that he has the same expectations on himself, whether there is love in the mix or not.

It's just that matters of finance have no place when a pair are cementing their love for one another.

It's a big red herring, even if practical.

But then again, humans haven't been on this earth nearly as long as chickens.... and they descended from dinosaurs...

Who else but Gonzo and Camilla from the Muppets do you know where chicken romance was enduring?

I reckon... "dare to dream the unfathomable".

I hope that one day my love and I actually attempt to make offspring together... 100 percent committed, whether we're capable or not at that point.

Love rules supreme.

[starbuck]

I'm not sure I understand. You said he put the ring on your finger. Was that not a proposal? Then you said you gave the ring back to him to give to you when you actually got married? So you didn't want to stay in a state of engagement? Some couples stay engaged for a year before they marry and don't see it as being in limbo. Did the both of you even discuss a timetable together? Why are you putting it back on him to let him figure it out?

I have could cared less whether or not my husband got down on one knee when he proposed (he didn't). He proposed in his own way (just slipped the ring on my finger and asked), and that was good enough for me.

I guess what I'm wondering here is, are you getting too hung up on the details? Because it sounds to me like he does want to marry you and did propose to you, but it's not fitting your perfect picture of how you'd like it to go. It does sound like he is stalling, but the both of you have a kid together. It might be worth it to really discuss these things and not just leave it in his hands. You should be an active participant in your own engagement, especially with a child on the way.

[NRGRL2009]

You are kind of out of options here, if you intend to stay with the father of your child. You can't really offer any ultimatum because of the kid... all you can do is to tell him your reasons for wanting to get married (and they ARE legitimate), and hope he will agree.

I agree. My question I guess is...if he doesn't want to get married now will he change his mind? Thanks!

[NRGRL2009]

I'm not sure I understand. You said he put the ring on your finger. Was that not a proposal? Then you said you gave the ring back to him to give to you when you actually got married? So you didn't want to stay in a state of engagement? Some couples stay engaged for a year before they marry and don't see it as being in limbo. Did the both of you even discuss a timetable together? Why are you putting it back on him to let him figure it out?

I have could cared less whether or not my husband got down on one knee when he proposed (he didn't). He proposed in his own way (just slipped the ring on my finger and asked), and that was good enough for me.

I guess what I'm wondering here is, are you getting too hung up on the details? Because it sounds to me like he does want to marry you and did propose to you, but it's not fitting your perfect picture of how you'd like it to go. It does sound like he is stalling, but the both of you have a kid together. It might be worth it to really discuss these things and not just leave it in his hands. You should be an active participant in your own engagement, especially with a child on the way.

Last night we talked it over and he straight up said he does not want to get married. Do you think after 3 years if he doesn't want to get married, he never will?

[LailaK]

Not to be harsh, but he knows you're not going anywhere. Why should he marry you if he knows he doesn't have to because you aren't going anywhere?

[sookie6]

Damn it!
Ihad written a long message and it all got deleted.

I was just saying that I feel sorry that you did not obtain the answer you were hoping for.

But you need to keep a cool head about this. No name calling, no shouting...take your time working out what you want to do.

In your own time you will know how to go about it.

Have you seen the movie 'He is just not that into you'...in it, Jennifer Aniston gets really upset because her long term bfriend gives her a hard time about getting married.

You should check it out!

[sookie6]

Not to be harsh, but he knows you're not going anywhere. Why should he marry you if he knows he doesn't have to because you aren't going anywhere?

To get married men seem to need:

- fear of losing their gfriend if they don'' propose
-sense of duty if their gfriend is pregnant
-competition with another guy
-gfriend having to go back to her country if they don't
'to be caught in an intense sometimes first time sex relationship with a woman...