About the whole dating thing...

[Lulu]

I have only dated two guys since breaking up with my ex three months ago...but it seems like dating kind of blows! What the hell do you talk about! Really! I just get bored with the whole getting to know you process- is it just me? Is it because I am newly single? The guys were attractive- one was REALLY handsome! I just got bored. I didn't care about how many siblings they had, where they had traveled to- I just felt claustrophobic and wanted to leave the restaurant to make out with them or listen to loud music or whatever. Anything but eating with a complete stranger- even if he is hot. AND- I get so bored that I get nervous- and when I get nervous I can't eat so then I start to worry that they might start to think I have an eating disorder or something (I hear men hate it when women don't eat very much on dates...). I need to figure out how to avoid these situations in the future. I don't want to be too forward or disagreeable- if a guy asks me out and he seems interesting, I want to say yes- but they are ALWAYS for an outing to EAT! How do you say, "yeah- I want to see you but let's skip dinner and go climb a sand dune, bring along a bottle of wine and make out." Does anyone else feel this way about the first few dates / getting to know you process? Am I just a freak or not ready to date yet?

[mrman256]

sounds like ur not over ur ex. im in the same place. my ex gf broke up with me a couple of months ago and i just cant be bothered to go out again and put the energy into meeting someone new and do the whole boring chat thing. i just want to be in the place i was before. i dont know what to do about this either i guess its just time.

[MVPlaya]

I'm the same way. I hate "dates," too much awkwardness / baggage associated with it, everyone acts as if their parents just coached them on how to talk to strangers. I'd much rather do something low key, take them out for something fun, or take them to a party or something. On dates people try so hard to impress everyone, ask stupid questions you don't really want to know the answer to. "Oh please do tell me more about why you chose to study molecular chemical biology, have you always had a passion for molecules? Whats your favorite atomic element? "

If a guy asks you out, tell him you're not a fan of dinner dates, and that he should surprise you.

[SirWagginston]

"Oh please do tell me more about why you chose to study molecular chemical biology, have you always had a passion for molecules? Whats your favorite atomic element? "

I've had dates like this, before. They were awesome! If you asked me about my favorite molecule, the sand dune would be our next stop... and we might need a second bottle of wine.

[vashti]

I always preferred dates that were active, too. Dinner can come afterwards, when you know whether or not you can stand just TALKING to a guy for an hour and a half with no distractions.

You might try suggesting coffee.... you can cut those dates REALLY short if you don't like the guy. Even lunch or brunch would be better (shorter). (This assuming you aren't bold enough to suggest he find some other, more exciting alternative.)

[Lipp]

Yah, dating in restaurants seems to be getting phased out, personally I'd never do it, if I'd do anything resembling a date I'd either keep it casual with a coffee shop visit or plan an activity. Restaurants work fine when already a couple, but for dating it's resembling "speed dating" too much, except you got an hour instead of cramming your life story in 3 minutes.

[VincenzoG91]

On my last first date (6.5 years ago), I picked her up and took her to a punk rock show. (Concert seems too dignified a word for punk.) It was a fun time until she misunderstood the lyrics to one song during the last set. It was the Misfits covering an old Ramones song, The KKK Took My Baby Away. All she heard sounded like them chanting KKK over and over again, so my date suddenly thought that I was a racist and stormed out. I caught up with her and gave her a ride home, which was a good thing since her purse was still in my car. Later, I emailed her links showing the lyrics to the song. Our second date was more traditional, dinner at an Italian restaurant, followed by a Tori Amos concert. We had a much better time on the second date.

Lulu, I don't think you're ready to start dating yet. You're going through a perfectly natural selfish phase as you get over your ex, but if you're not interested in talking to these new guys while dating them, that makes the whole situation a waste of time and money. Spend more time with your friends and by yourself, until your happy enough with your life to really meet new people.

[Doc Durian]

Just find some guy to have sex with, lulu. That's what you're really craving.

The chiggy chiggy bang bang.

A few drinks, a club, some contraceptives, and maybe a sand dune romp in the back of a pickup truck or jeep.

Worry about relationships later. Men and women aren't camels, in the meantime.

[DarkNeko]

I personally never had a 'getting to know you' dating process because every man I ever had an interest in or dated was initially a friend. We got to know one another via friendship and being platonic and then realized we had feelings for each other. Most of these guys I was not able to pursue because I met and crushed on them after dating my BF; for some people, dating a friend might be weird, but in every case my intuition was tingling and despite the friendships, I could always tell when there was "something" between myself and a male friend. I never intended to get feelings for my guy friends and they probably never intended to feel the same toward me, but it happened, and things were never weird between me and these crushes. I'm still very good friends with two of them.

Of course, I've never been into dating myself, so perhaps my insights mean less than those who actively seek out relationships. I think I'm a little too independent for my own good and I adore my time to myself, so dating was never a must for me. Combine that with my very low self-esteem and pessimism and the belief that no man in his right mind would ever want me and the result is someone who just happened to meet some awesome guys by chance. And hey, don't feel too bad about being nervous when eating on dates. I can't eat in public even when I'm alone. I can't count how often I was visiting my one friend and we'd meet up with his friends at Denny's or some other place and I sat and drew pictures on the paper placemats because I was too nervous to be seen eating. I personally prefer getting coffee over getting dinner because you can't get coffee stuck in your teeth.

That all being said, there's nothing wrong with saying, "Would you mind if we went somewhere besides a restaurant for a date?" You don't have to tell them you're too nervous to eat with them...just say that dinner is maybe a bit too traditional and you want to do something a bit more eccentric, like walking on the beach, hanging out at the park, getting coffee, and so forth. As you get to know them and get more comfortable around them, you could explain why you didn't want to go to dinner. Guys who are really set in traditional dating beliefs (especially Catholic ones), or who feel their opinions are the only right ones might snub the thought of anything but what they want to do, but I think most guys would be open to a negotiation.

[Mish]

I have only dated two guys since breaking up with my ex three months ago...but it seems like dating kind of blows! What the hell do you talk about! Really! I just get bored with the whole getting to know you process- is it just me?

No it's not just you, a lot of people have this in general. The whole getting to know you thing is pretty mechanic if it gets down to who does what and who lived where.

My advice is to give dating a break for awhile. From my past experience I discovered the most fun dates occur before official dates even begin. It's in the classroom or a house party or another off chance venture, where two people meet and talk about things without the "pressures of impressing the date". Dates are the best I found when they happen naturally.

[Lulu]

Doc- I can't just go out and get laid. I've never been able to do something like that! I know myself well enough to know that I would get all emotionally involved over some guy after- and the guy could be a creepy bum! AND- how can I tell my daughter never to be like that if I am...I see alot of women doing it and they don't seem any happier than me. That is what a vibrator is for, right? I read last night in cosmo "good news- men and women polled feel as little regret these days after a fling as a couple having sex in a committed relationship" and I thought WTF!? That is supposed to be GOOD? It's like free love all over again? I just want to have something unique to offer to a man if I EVER find an extraordinary one...

Well...I am still hoping that this guy my dad wanted to introduce to me five years ago calls me someday. The lady that I chat with at the corner gas station insisted that there was a GREAT single guy that she wanted to set me up with- and it turns out to be the same exact guy (told you that I live in a small town, right?)! She told him about me- said he seemed excited- I left my number for him to call and a few days ago she said that she hasn't seen him yet. Maybe? Maybe...maybe it's fate! I know- you all think that I'm such a naive dreamer! If he does take my number and doesn't call? Well- we've never even met so I hope that he takes the chance. I hear he is religious (never dated one like that) and a hard working, good guy.

How do you know when you are READY? I've got a solid source of income- college finished- I can provide for myself- have good relationships with family and friends- stable- but I still just miss having THAT type of relationship. I guess when you stop wanting it so bad is maybe when you are ready? That sucks. Don't know if that would/could ever happen!

[Lipp]

To sum it up.

[starbuck]

I think those atypical-type dates you were suggesting in your original post sound like fun. I wouldn't worry about being too forward or disagreeable. Maybe the guys you're dating would like something different than dinner and would appreciate something unexpected.

[Lulu]

ha ha. Better not end up like that......

[lavnder]

Sounds like you're having a hard time because you got so used to your boyfriend, you didn't hafta worry about getting to know other guys in THAT way. As with any break up situation I would suggest taking a break from all guys. Take some time for yourself. Remember what you used to like doing before you had a boyfriend, the things you wanted to do but sorta forgot about, hang out with your friends. Maybe you're not ready to meet new guys.

If you are ready maybe these guys didn't click with you on an intellectual/emotional level.