Is it really over?

[oneandonly]

I'm pretty sure of the answer to this. I may be searching for little hope in vain though.

I and my boyfriend, we broke up early this month. We've known each other for over 3 years - 2 years dating, of which 14 months living together.

I kicked out my boyfriend after I found out that he was texting to a Thai girl back and forth. Right after his trip from Thailand, he wanted some Thai curry so went to a Thai restaurant with a mate. Got to talk to a Thai girl working there as he's just got back from Thailand, his major adventure in his entire life so far! He gave his number to other girl to pass it to the girl he was talking to. She got in touch later and he was saying things like,...... I am glad you got in touch...I'd love to take you out.... You are gorgeous....

Word can't describe how mad I was. I packed all his stuff, emailed him at work and told him to leave that night. When he came back, he took all his stuff and went to his mate's.

The very same night, he texted me, 'I am so sorry. So sad that it has ended this way. Hope one day we can be friends cos you are an amazing woman and I still want you to be in my life'.

That text annoyed me more so.

Fast forward, I want him back. We've had fall outs a number of times and got through them. I was never mad this much to pack his stuff and kick him out though.

I've learnt that the very next day he was kicked out of my flat, his company let him go with one month notice. With all this happening at once whilst he's being homeless, he said that he felt perhaps this meant a new start - a new job and a new place (perhaps a new girlfriend in his mind although he said he wanted to be single now). He hated it when we fell out of each other. This incident seems to have brought all fall outs/arguments we've had back to his memory. He said, kicking him out was a huge thing. It was a final draw to him and when he left, he vowed to himself that he would never come back.

I said to him why he couldn't see why I had to do what I did. I didn't know any other way of dealing with the situation.

We've never said 'I love you' to each other but I knew I've loved him all along.

I am not the person who keeps in touch with an ex so I was gonna cut all the contacts. I honeslty thought that would be the natural thing for me to do when I kicked him out but I miss him. I terribly miss him.

After 2 weeks he left, we got to talk on the phone. We both cried. He was in his mate. He cried while his mate was there. I love him for that. He is really a sensitive guy. It breaks me when he cries like that.

I find it SO hard to break the emotional tie. But now he seems to have made up his mind. He says things like,

'You will be okay. One day, you will look back and think 'what the hell was I doing with a jerk like him?' '
'You made me better person. I will never forget that.'
'You will meet a guy who will treat you well.'
'You are so nice'
'You are the kindest person in the World'
'I don't see a child/children with you and that's what I want.'
'I have to be cold'
'You are just not right for me'
'It's hard for me too'

He called just now before going to bed to see if I am okay. I said 'do you miss me?'. He said 'I can't miss you yet.'

He's got two weeks to go at work. He's now moved back to his parents' so is commuting 4 hours every day! It breaks my heart, knowing he's commuting 4 hours everyday. My place is less than 30 minutes from his workplace. I asked him to come back just for 2 weeks then after his contract has ended, go back to his parents. We will be just like friends. He says no. He says he will fall back into a habit so will not look for a place of his own and stay on again.

The fact that he's commuting 4 hours a day makes me think that he has really made up his mind.

He said our break up feels right for him. How come I don't get the same feeling. I wish I do. I really do.

There is nothing I can do now, is there?

[mrtdg82]

Possibly one of the most common problems people have on this forum is what you have.

It is very hard to cut ties with someone who you have been with for so long. You did it for the right reasons and dont forget that.

What you are feeling now is sympathy for him, and he is paying for the mistake he made. He must learn from that. If you take him back he wont learn from it and he will know that he can turn on the waterworks whether genuine or not and he will get you back.

Stick with it, its hard but in the end you will be thankful you did.

[oneandonly]

Probably you are right especially the last bit.

Trouble is I don't feel it's right for me just yet. Personally, I am going through the roughest time in my entire career. Building a business is a long winding process. My bf just being around has been a great strength for me.

When time comes that it's not working out, I thought we both would feel the same but I don't get that feeling yet. He just made a stupid mistake. Somehow and to my surprise, I realised that it hasn't stopped me loving him. I was terribly upset to begin with but as a break in was to sink in, I started missing him so bad.

Funnily enough, I am asking him to give us another chance now and am wondering if he's completely gone off on me.

[davidtorres]

Youre looking at it the wrong way. He was attempting to cheat on you and you made the right decision to kick him out. Either way if you didnt kick him out, he wouldve cheat on you. You need to understand that it was over for him when he gave his number and told the girl that he would love to take her out. Him crying was just missing you but he is not inlove with you.

[oneandonly]

Yep, I guess I just want to hear him saying that to me directly although his action was pretty much loud and clear.

He had a relationship before where he was cheated on so he used to say that he knew how it would feel so he would never cheat on his gf. Well, I always trusted him. When he gave his number to the girl, he just got back from his trip to Thailand. He was all excited about things he's done and the places he's been to so I took that he was still in his holiday mood as it was less than a week since he got back and it was a spur of moment thing.

I asked him today if he's still texting back and forth to the girl. He said No. He wouldn't still want to come and stay though.

Just gotta keep telling myself that he's not in love with me and there is nothing I can do to change that...

[Gigabitch]

Just gotta keep telling myself that he's not in love with me and there is nothing I can do to change that...

That's not really the central issue, here. The issue is that your boyfriend wasn't acting right and kicking him out was the only choice. Don't take this guy back and stop making disgusting excuses for him and his cheating behavior. Let him go. Have some self-respect, for God's sake.

[oneandonly]

lol. I wasn't actually making excuses for him. I was HOPING that that was the case. Either way, I don't appear to be self respectful, do I?

Guess that's what love does, how foolish it may sound. It's not something you can just switch off instantly, is it?

[Gigabitch]

No, you can't switch it off, but you can do whatever you need to do to stay away from his emotionally irresponsible ass until it fades. You deserve a boyfriend you can trust. He's not it.

[davidtorres]

It hurts but you did the right thing. giga was right. you deserve a girlfriend that you can trust.

[mrtdg82]

It hurts but you did the right thing. giga was right. you deserve a girlfriend that you can trust.

Girlfriend?

[cmacattack1]

Girlfriend?

Lesbian is all the rage these days.

[dewilliams2]

I'd say its over...if he says the break-up feels right then he is probably done....you need to think about movin on....sorry.

[cmacattack1]

Agreed. It sounds like he already detached himself from the relationship to the point where he was pursuing other interests and would have probably kicked you to the curb when the other girl was lined up. It's not fair, you feel like the rug is pulled out from under you, but it's immaturity and not being honest with how he felt. You can't make him do that unfortunately.

Someday he is going to learn.

[oneandonly]

Thanks guys!

I've been reading up lots of stories on here - actually this forum does help, knowing that there are all kinds of break ups, ups and downs and I am not all alone and there is nothing wrong with me...

Who said 'Love gets better with age' huh? He is 27 and I am older than him.

He said I've got so much love to give and he's got so little to give back. We both cried every time we talked on the phone.

The hardest part of all is that it happened so fast. We had the most amazing Christmas with his family - the first Christmas we spent with his family. He went on a trip for 3 weeks after that. Came to my place on Monday. Following Saturday he went out with his mate to Thai restaurant and was chatting up the girl working there. Sunday night, he got the text from her and replied. I read his text on Monday morning and packed all his stuff while he was at work. He's gone that night.

I was not prepared for this at all. It was all just too sudden for me.

Gotta stop crying now. It's been a pure nightmare.