Girfriend had sex with someone else and now it just isn't the same!

[nayr]

Hi, this is my first post so here it goes..

Basically I was with my girlfriend for 2.5 years which isn't a lot but to me it was everything! We were only 16 when we got together and quickly fell in love, she wasn't just my girlfriend she was also honestly my best friend and I would have done anything for her. Occasionaly we had the odd arguement and kinda broke up for a coule of days (sometimes hours lol) but one day around september 2009 she decided to break it off after 2.5 years.

The week leading upto it was pretty rough with random arguements, the kind that started over nothing and ended up with us insulting each other. At first I thought nothing of it and we got back together for ONE day then she broke it off again saying that she only said yes because she felt sorry for me! It wasn't like a typical break up where the person tells you its not your fault and your a great person etc, she told me that she was basically bored of me and wanted to experience sex with "random guys" and just wanted to enjoy her life before she commited to a relationship. At this point I felt like I was being eating alive inside, it was one of the worst moments of my life. She later tells me that she was choosing between me and this other guy which im sure should be something you keep to yourself! She was introduced to this guy by her friend and she was hanging around with him and invited him into her home even before she broke up with me!

She never got with him though as she soon found out he was a complete dick, I personally feel I wasn't giving her enough attention and he was. I somehow let this slide and we kept in contact, I tried repeatidly to get back with her as deep down I knew she loved me but she kept saying things like I wasn't "outgoing enough". I felt so low at this point and I ended up going clubbing with my mates around twice and week to help forget about it and _try_ to move on, which I did by making out with a couple of random girls that my friends introduced me to. I thought this would have helped but I really felt akward and guilty because I still loved her despite what she did.

Eventually she tried came back to me and basically broke down crying and wanted to get back with me, I know I made the biggest mistake ever at this point and I REALLY regret it but I turned her down I was soo angry and her for the way she basically ripped me apart. I tried to do what she did and said that I wanted to be single and didn't want to be with her for a while. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing but I really wasn't, I was hoping it would make her see what she had done to me but it didn't work. One week later she deleted me as a friend on facebook and then re-added me, when I accepted I noticed she was now in a "relationship" with someone!! I don't know if this was a cry for attention or what but I didn't care I just wanted her back before she did something she regretted! Countless times I tried to talk to her and asked her to come round to cut my hair which she did but she had such an attitude towards me and she just didn't want to hear it, she just wanted to do the cut and leave. We stopped talking at this point. I don't even need to tell you how this felt and how I reacted!!

This was my second HUGE mistake which happened about 2 month later, there was a girl from my university that I knew liked me and she kissed me at house party. I wasn't interested in her and wasn't looking for anything with anyone, we started hanging out and spending time together as we shared a big group of friends anyway. I even shared the same bed as her several times. She really helped me, it was nice to have the female "best friend" back in my life but I feel bad because she saw me kinda like a boyfriend and I am a complete asshole for not making this clear to her. We kissed a few times but nothing intense (didn't even use tounges) and one night she tried to have sex with me and and I made excuses and said no, she went down and me for a few seconds and and I started to touch her but I had to stop it, it just wasn't right! It would have helped me get over my ex but it seriously didn't feel right and I didn't want her to feel used or anything. At this point we started to loose touch as she must have felt rejected. During this time there were obviously a lot of facebook comments exchanged between me and this girl and a few pictures of us together at parties/clubs etc. My ex saw this and must have thought we were together and its easy to see why.

Around the end of November me and my ex got back together and it felt so good, her breaking up with me had basically ruined my start to university and I really felt like now we were back together I could really be happy and carry on with everthing. However when we were about to have sex I asked her if she had done it with anyone else, I kind of knew she already had and she eventually admitted to it. I felt like I had yet again been ripped apart, this feeling was worse than any other. The reason I had a feeling she had already done it was because a couple of weeks prior to this she told me how she stayed "at her mate Ryan's house" and I basically guessed from that what had happened. It was just so much worse when she actually admitted to it, after she left I broke down in tears yet again. Once she had confirmed it, it was worse as it was then clear to me that she was basically rubbing it in that she had spent the night with someone else as she mentioned it on several occasions and I cannot stand to think that we had started talking again during the time that she did it.

I really regret her thinking that I was with that other girl but it was at this time that she had sex with someone else! The worse part for me is that she had casual sex with someone she wasn't even seeing and she could't see how it was a big deal. She also couldn't see how it was a big deal that they didn't use protection as she was on contraception!! I had to basically beg her to get an STI and HIV check, her excuse was "she didn't have any symptons"!!! She tells me that she regrets it and I believe her but I just can't stand it and I think about it most nights, I have even dreamed about it! I have daydreams during lectures and just can't concentrate sometimes! We have been back together about 2 months now and I just cant get over it! I just cant stand the fact that she let someone take advantage and use her like that, she had no respect for her body and her well being and I really didn't think she was like that!

I know there is nothing I can do about it as we were both "single" and I know its my fault for letting her think I was with someone but I really don't know what to do! We lost it to each other but now because of some random meaningless tw*t I feel like that special bond we had has gone and it just feels like there is something missing in our relationship. I love her with all my heart and I don't want to loose her but im really at a loose end, its killing me. I have tried talking to her about it and she basically tells me that she regrets the way she treated me and everything she did but I just need to get over it, this is true I know.

Sorry for the long rant and everything but if you have any comments or suggestions I would be very greatful! I just really need and outsiders perspective really.

Thanks

[lhn]

I think you just need to look at it as a hiccup in what will hopefully be a long & happy life together. She slept with someone else... so what?! You weren't together and the fact she regrets it is a bonus. Honestly, its only sex. Thats nothing compared to what you guys have right?

Take a chill pill and be grateful to have the second so many of us never got

[Fylef]

The problem is you both have different ideas on sex. She clearly sees it as just a bit of fun, nothing more than like a dance or a kiss, just something two people do to enjoy themselves. Many people see it like this and that is why so many people go out and have one-night stands without regretting it. The problem is that sex is a lot more to you, it's like marriage, a special bond between people. Although this is a good point of view, it does make relationships difficult. If you get with a girl who's had a lot of one-night stands before it can make you jealous.

What you have to do is try to stop thinking of sex as being so important. try to remember that most people have sex with a lot of people, that most relationships don't start with virgins so there is always sexual history there to get over. Just see it as she went out and had fun, was feeling in the mood so just went for some enjoyment, that's it. That's nothing. how often do you masturbate while looking at porn? It's not that bad, it's just a bit of fun. You have her love and her heart, so what if once she wanted a bit of fun? You've got so much more that you should just not even worry about it.

[nayr]

Thank you both for commenting, I agree there is nothing I can do but forget about it. If she had sex with 10 people before we even met and I was a virgin I wouldn't have a problem with that. It's just the fact she dumped me and said she wanted to have fun with other guys before commiting to a relatonship and thats exactly whats shes done. I just feel like i've let her walk all over me but I can't leave her because I absolutely adore her. As sick and selfish as it sounds I regret not ****ing that girl from uni, at least then it may not have hurt as much. Sometimes I just think im too soft for my own good and too much of a nice person. I really don't know what im asking in this thread exactly but any feedback would be great.

Thanks again.

[lhn]

Nayr...

I think I know what you're saying and I can completely empathise with your situation. I remember before getting with my ex we were getting closer and closer and I had already started developing feelings for her. One day we were lying in bed and I asked her if she had been with anyone since we started to sleep together. She had (although not sex) but it made me feel shit for a long time.

I think its important for you to look out for yourself. Always take care of number1 first, then concentrate on other things. If it is getting to the stage where you can't deal with it and wont be happy then you know it only leaves you one choice. As painful as that may seem.
Perhaps initiate a break for a while. You'll learn a lot.

[nayr]

thanks for the reply, yea I think it might help if we do have a break for a while but I would hate for that to lead to her getting with someone else again. The problem is that she can be pretty naive and seems to get close to anyone that shows her attention (probably the attention that she wasn't getting from me at times). If she had sex with someone weeks before it wouldn't have been as bad, its just the fact that she did it while we were starting to get friendly again and a week after she did it she was basically hinting to me that she did it and it felt like she was rubbing it in. Whenever I try and talk to her about it she just keeps getting angry and I don't blame her, from now on im just going to suffer in silence because I think something like this could come between us.

She recently told me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me! I was shocked, a pretty bold statement to say the least. To me she just seems to be realeved to be back with me after being with some assholes. It still doesn't take away the fact that she broke up with me to have some fun with other people though and I just get the feeling that she feels shes had her fun and now shes ready for a relationship and as selfish as it is, I missed out on this chance really.. Once I was single it became apparent of a few of my female friends that were interested and I should have made the most of it really but that wasn't the way I was feeling at the time.

Im just confused!

[lhn]

Firstly, don't regret not getting closer with any friends etc. You weren't in the right place and had you done it, imagine how used they may have felt afterwards. No one wants to be someones rebound unwittingly.

When you say "If she had sex with someone weeks before it wouldn't have been as bad, its just the fact that she did it while we were starting to get friendly again" I kinda think you're kidding yourself. When you have feelings for someone, it doesn't matter when things like this happen, it hurts just the same. You just look at it from a different angle. Basically, you're always going to think about all the different possibilities and outcomes simply because you wish it hadn't happened in the first place.

With regards to her being "naive" and easily-led etc, you can't worry about that. I felt that about my ex, still do. If someone shows her enough affection she's like a moth to a flame. One of her good friends once said to me "her problem is she can never say no" and that stuck with me and probably caused me a few issues.

Like I said on my first reply, decide whether you can deal with it. if you can then fine, it not, then you know what you have to do.

Keep writing on here though. Good job!

[Gigabitch]

I see two problems here, one yours, one hers. You need to grow up a litle about sex. it's perfectly okay that your gf had sex with someone else while you were broken up. It's actually not the big deal you're making out of it, and in the future you'll look back on this and wish you could have just calmed down about it. It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Her problem (and unfortunately, this could affect you) is her cavalier, irresponsible approach to having sex with no condom and just assuming everything's fine. Don't put your dick anywhere near her until she's had a blood test to determine whether or not she's been exposed to herpes. The fact that she thinks that there's no problem until she actually starts showing symptoms makes me want to slap a chastity belt on her for five years. In my opinion, THAT is worth being really, really upset about.

[nayr]

Shes due to go back to the health clinic soon for a review of her HIV check, I am making her take another test 3 months after as I have read that some people take 6 months for the HIV virus to develop.

On the grand scheme of things I really don't know what to say to be honest, thank you all for your comments, they do help. I really think I need help. Its now the middle of March, we have been back together since december, surely it should be fine by now? I just have the overwhelming feeling of un-finished buisness, its not as if theres anything in particular that needs to be done but its still on my mind and I keep playing everything over in my head, almost on a daily basis. Just small things like I wrote her a letter of 3 pages long but when I found out she was "in a relationship" I tore it up and threw it out, I should have just thought "**** it" and gave it her to away. Whats happened has happened and I need to stop thinking about it. In a way I think that I just want to get into a big argument with her and I want her to tell me every little detail, including all the things that are going to kill me to hear. As distressing as this seems I really think that it will help me to get over it.

As far as our relationship goes, im trying to make the best of it and even when I really feel down im hiding it as well as possible and biting my lip. Every reason she had to break up with me, im changing about myself. The problem is, she appreciates it now because shes getting the attention she craved from me but got elsewhere, but I just don't want it to get to a point where the tables turn and shes the one taking me for granted. Is there such thing as affection in moderation?

She only had sex with one person, once. This shit happens all the time to couples, whats wrong with me? It just ****s me off how we were starting to talk and see each other again during the time she did it and she hinted to me about days later. I honestly think if she did it much earlier on when we weren't even talking, I would be over it by now.

I just feel like shes taken me for a complete ride and i've let her get away with so much.

[cmacattack1]

All this talk about HIV and blood tests, it reminds me of that movie Kids. Really freaks me out, man.

You are right though, what has happened has happened and you can't go back and change it now. Nor would it be fair to punish her for it.

As for you changing to better yourself for her, think about that for a second. You guys fell in love for you in the first place. You have changed since you first started dating when you were 16. Maybe you were together all the time and it wasn't noticeable. Her tastes started to change as she grow older. It's not up to you to conform to her tastes just to keep her. That will only get you so far. You don't need to bend over backwards to fit every item on her checklist.

Reminds me of how my ex used to tell me I was "too practical" when she was too much of a dreamer. She wanted me to be something else, but she needed some well rounding out herself. Then again, that wasn't a success but it's an example.

It's good that you want to improve yourself and you have to look at areas that need it. You not getting over her wanting to be with somebody else is something you can work on. If you love her, it shouldn't matter who she was with before because she is with you now. It should be the future you look forward to. Another thing is what has happened before and your what ifs (like the letter). If you have her right now, it shouldn't matter. Most people don't get a second chance. Hopefully she has grown enough to fulfill the role of girlfriend as much as you have grown to fulfill the boyfriend role.

[Kaius]

It all depends on your perspective of sex....and what it means to you. I feel you are very serious about sex, in that you would not do it casually with just anyone. Having this perspective means that the idea of another guy entering your girl without protection will eventually eat you alive.
You will always be reminded of it. You will always wonder if it was any good for her. You will always fight about it. You are still a young, so don't take things so hard. You need to concentrate on school, which is your primary job right now. The chances of you marrying her is almost none.... so
why kill yourself over it? I suggest you break up and start over with someone else. I know this will hurt, but you are gonna be so much happier with a fresh start. I'm twice as old as you....trust me as experience counts.

[OneQuestion]

I didn't read though all the comments, only your post... I have the same feelings as you... many people on this forum don't see why it would hurt me so bad...

Me and my girl of 4 years separated for a month... I KNOW she slept with someone else during this time(she never admitted it, but I just know it)... anyways, it hurts me EVERY DAY still... It is so hard to deal with...

I wish the best for you... I don't know what to say really... I am still with my girl, marrying her now... I still have probblems with this, but I consider them MY problems, as that is what everyone seems to tell me, that they are my problems and not hers... So i guess I need to work them out. So you can stay with her and learn to deal with it, or find someone else and hope that your next gf doesn't bother you in the same way.

[Doc Durian]

I didn't read though all the comments, only your post... I have the same feelings as you... many people on this forum don't see why it would hurt me so bad...

Me and my girl of 4 years separated for a month... I KNOW she slept with someone else during this time(she never admitted it, but I just know it)... anyways, it hurts me EVERY DAY still... It is so hard to deal with...

I wish the best for you... I don't know what to say really... I am still with my girl, marrying her now... I still have probblems with this, but I consider them MY problems, as that is what everyone seems to tell me, that they are my problems and not hers... So i guess I need to work them out. So you can stay with her and learn to deal with it, or find someone else and hope that your next gf doesn't bother you in the same way.

If you had been the one to engage in sex with another, would you tell her or spare her the bad feelings?

It would have been while you two weren't together, and none of her business...

You'd probably wish that it never happened (since you're getting married to someone you love dearly) and wish to never revisit the subject for her sake or yours.

If she was a melodramatic emo type... you'd seriously consider outright lying to her even if the sex was the most horrible experience you ever had in your life and just made you want her even more... but you couldn't tell her that, because...of course... she's melodramatic and can't make reasonable distinctions.

So you'd perservere and remain silent about it... until many years down the road when her insecurities, jealousy, and manic thoughts drove the pair of you apart.

She just couldn't let it go and realize the relationship at hand... the love you had for her... the vows of marriage... the sexual desire you continually had for her. She was your one and only.... but she kept hitting the self destruct button.

[Kaius]

I didn't read though all the comments, only your post... I have the same feelings as you... many people on this forum don't see why it would hurt me so bad...

Me and my girl of 4 years separated for a month... I KNOW she slept with someone else during this time(she never admitted it, but I just know it)... anyways, it hurts me EVERY DAY still... It is so hard to deal with...

I wish the best for you... I don't know what to say really... I am still with my girl, marrying her now... I still have probblems with this, but I consider them MY problems, as that is what everyone seems to tell me, that they are my problems and not hers... So i guess I need to work them out. So you can stay with her and learn to deal with it, or find someone else and hope that your next gf doesn't bother you in the same way.

Wait.... sorry for the negativity, but isnt a one month period a really short time for a woman to meet new man and have sex right away? I know I am unaware of the circumstances, so my questions probably isn't applicable. I know I cannot sleep with a new woman so soon after separation.... I have never been casual about sex though.

[Kaius]

The more I read this, the more I am convinced it's an individual perception or way of processing. For me, because I have never been casual about sex, never had a one-night-stand, never had sex with a person I wasn't in love with, I see sex as very deep emotional act. I am a dude, so this may be odd to some of you out there. I suspect the OP's view of sex is a little similar to mine, so I can totally feel the pain. If you stay with her, you will constantly think about the sex she had with the other man. You will think about the hot lust they shared at the moment. You will always wonder if it was enjoyable for her. This will drive you nuts. I am sorry talk about this.... as this has got to be painful, especially if you are in love with her. Unless you can completely accept the idea of her sexual past, it is best that you leave and start over with someone else. I strongly suggest this.