i told a white lie and now he wont trust me, help please!!

[aninnocentlife]

Hey everyone, thanyou for taking the time to read this, im in desperate need of help!

Ive been with my bf for 2 years now and we love each other very much, but its really hard. apart from others things he has trust issues, not just with me but with what other people might do too. We spend summers apart and as such he finds it very hard when i want to go out and spend time with my friends. we have to arrange a specific plan so he feels safe and knows whats going on. last summer we arranged such a night and i went out with my friends. i told him where we were planning to go and i kept in contact with him all evening. it was only for social drinks and i left when they went to go clubbing. anyways, the last place we went to was just to meet a friend that was gonna walk me back to the car and i it didnt occur to me to mention that place as i was there for 5 minutes. he later saw pictures of me there and it caused a big argument. he felt like i had purposefully lied to him about it and it took a long time for me to earn his trust again.

so now... i left my phone in his bedroom and when i went in to collect it my bf told me it had buzzed earlier. it was a message from a male friend- completely innocent friend. he was asking me if i was going to our mate's house party. and considering how he worries about me going out (even though i didnt want to go) and that he doesnt like me having male friends, in that split second i panicked and told him it was from a different friend. i just didnt want him to work himself up about a party that didnt matter and the lie just slipped out. well you can guess he had seen who it was from and was upset i had lied to him. i stupidly deleted the message straight away in case he later saw it and found out about the party. so of course i couldnt show him the message was completely innocent. ive txt the friend asking him to send the message again saying that i didnt get it all, but he hasnt replied.
so my bf is very upset and now thinks that ive been lieing to him all the time. it was just a stupid panicked white lie but obviously he wont believe me and i think he might end it with me. has anyone got any advice on how to show him im being honest and to get him to trust me?
thanks for any help x

[Doc Durian]

Print out the post and show it to him.

Then apologize

Then smack him for being so suspicious and making you nervous enough to try to manage it instead of confront him about it.

Nobody should live on those terms with another one who is supposed to love and trust them.

Fin

[aninnocentlife]

heya, thankyou for replying Fin, i really appreciate it. thing is ive told him all this over and over and explained to him that i panicked, but it makes no difference. once he gets upset theres no getting through to him. even once he's calm he still wont believe me because i lied in the first place. i can totally see where he's coming from, id be hesitant if it were the other way around...but i DO trust him so id just take his word. but he cant do that with me, so i have to work to make him trust me. i know he cant help it, im not blaming him for it...but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with.

[Doc Durian]

You're making excuses for his unjustifiable behaviour.

Stop that.

It's his issue to work through, not yours to cater to.

Good luck

[SirWagginston]

I think there is a difference between wanting to spend lots of time with your girlfriend and being a control freak. Your boyfriend seems like a control freak. It's one thing to say that the two of you should plan so that he knows when he can see you, but "I'm going with friends" should be sufficient. It's not like knowing exactly where you will be makes you come home, sooner. To be upset that you didn't tell him about a brief stop that lasted for all of five minutes is ridiculous. The fact that he can't stand you having male friends shows that his concerns stem from insecurity and jealousy, not a desire to give you loving attention.

If you've never cheated on him, before, then he has no reason to fear about your activities. Tell him that you've never lied to him about anything of actual importance, and never will. If he can't trust you, then you can't be together. It will be too stressful for both of you.

[vashti]

I think you should find a new boyfriend that doesn't terrorize you.

[MVPlaya]

You need to stand up for yourself. You are very timid and constantly try to duck problems because you can't face them head on, and in your process of avoidance people get signals of deception from you and they trust you less, which in turn only compounds your problem and creates new relationship issues.

Next time he asks you, be straight up, no white lies. You just appear too timid to be able to express yourself to others, and this is only going to keep causing problems for you.

[aninnocentlife]

Thanks for the advice everyone, its so nice to have people to talk to! we managed to talk about it and sort it out and the comments from you really helped. Thanks again for listening when i really needed someone