I feel so lonely without her, and it's not getting better..

[soulsurvivor23]

So, I finally cut her out of my life... for good. No contact, I don't see her, I don't call her, I don't e-mail or text her, nothing. I stopped, cold turkey. It's been about 2 or 3 weeks now after her consistently being there everyday for a year and a half. This is the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my entire life. I've had people break up with me before, and it sucked and it hurt but I managed to get by because they did it to me and moved on. So it was like a major hurt at first and then after a little while the pain was gone.

In my current situation she's still right here.. I have to go out of my way to avoid her.. And if I really wanted to (and i've been fighting the urge) I could still do all the stuff we used to do, and pretend like the long distance BF she has doesn't exist. But I really had to demonstrate self control and take a stand for myself. I told her that if after this much time she hasn't offically chosen me, it means she chose him.. and that she can't have me as a friend anymore.

So at first I felt really good about myself for taking a stand and doing something for me, for once. But now I just feel lonely and empty. I think about her every spare moment I have and i'm just dying to contact her. I go to the gym, I go out, I keep myself busy, but those things only provide temporary relief and at the end of the day I still think and dream about her at night. Sometimes I find myself using every bit of restraint I have not to call her and tell her I love her and I still want her so badly despite what she has done to me. What should I do?

[Gigabitch]

It just gets easier. Every single day is a little bit better, you just can't see it yet. Stay strong.

[Doc Durian]

My brother went through this with one of those crazy on again off again love/hate relationships where either of the pair would go off and do amazingly naughty things apart from one another... fight like cats and dogs, then get back together. When he finally broke it off my mum gave him some motherly advice which really worked for him.

"Take a cooking class. There are more women than men in them. It's something to keep your mind off of Miss Nutty and you might just meet someone."

He met heaps of women. Was invited to heaps of extracurricular functions and couldn't be bothered expending energy worrying about her. Plus he had just changed cities and didn't know many people outside of work. It was a win/win situation.

[VincenzoG91]

Can you get a pet? Some kind of warm mammal type pet can offer you some love without judgment or drama.

[cmacattack1]

I hear ya man. It's been four months of completely no contact for me and I still think about her all the time. I hit ups and downs, rough patches, you name it. Letting it out alternatively like posing on here, instead of calling her, is the only thing you can really do. Focus that energy into doing things that are positive and for you. That cooking class is a good idea, but just about anything that will make you better off.

You don't want to break down, because it will be taking many steps back both for you and with her. It might feel like letting it all out to her will help you out, but it's only temporary as you will probably regret it later on. Just a bit of logic to hang onto when you are facing the lonliness.

It does get better man, like Giga said, every single day. It is what it is, you can't change how she feels about the other person. If going for this guy was a mistake she will have to live it out and learn it. If it doesn't work out, you will look better in comparison.

[SirWagginston]

Can you get a pet? Some kind of warm mammal type pet can offer you some love without judgment or drama.

I remember my dog always made me feel better after break-ups. I'm sure the Jenday Conure I used to have would have worked, too, if I was dating at the time. If a Conure (I think Jendays, especially) or dog is shown affection from a young age, it becomes a really warm companion.

[lhn]

I'm in the same boat. When I think back to when I first posted on here and I remember the pain and anguish it is excrutiating. It feels like it was only yesterday that I was on square-one with it all.
I would say one thing you notice as time goes on is the memories become more distant. To start with you just wish you could hold them/show affection etc etc and all the things you shared. Eventually you still want those but its more out of lonliness rather than it being with them. It loses it's intimacy, after all, she's with someone else.

Just hang in there. There will be hundreds of times where you will think 'maybe she will choose me still if I just jog her memory a bit'... well, save yourself further rejection and come on her instead.

Goodluck and know what you're doing will be worth it in the end. Atleast thats what I'm telling myself.

[SirWagginston]

well, save yourself further rejection and come on her instead.

I know you meant "here," but this still made me laugh.

There's another thing that will help you get over your ex, OP: a good sense of humor.

[soulsurvivor23]

So, yesterday she contacted via e-mail after not saying anything throughout all that time. She asked how I was doing and all this stuff. Then ended by saying she misses me terribly and is confused as to whether she made the right choice (between me and the guy).. And it made me feel good to hear that.. Because honestly, I KNOW i'm better than that guy. I've never met him, but what I do know about him is that he has no job, no car (and therefore no way to ever see her), he calls her like twice a week, he breaks up with her (and subsequently asks for her back) practically everytime they have an argument, and he does next to nothing for her. I on the other hand was her personal doormat for a year and a half. Waited on this girl hand and foot. Got her all kinds of gifts, told her I love her every day and every night, helped her through many difficult situations, was there for her pretty much any and everytime she ever needed me. So it feels like validation to know she regrets letting me go now that i'm not there.

At first I considered not responding to this message, then I decided that I really felt the need to. In summary, I sent her a short message that basically said, i'm doing good (which i'm obviously not, but I didn't want to give the impression that i'm struggling) and that over the past few weeks that we haven't talked i've gained some new perspective and realized that she's not the one for me. I continued to say that i'm happy for her and her bf (which was kind of an indirect way to rub it in her face) and that I wish them the best. And I said that I support her, that she made the correct decision and that one day I hope to find the same level of happiness she has with him (more rubbing it in). And that was basically it.

Then she responded back that she's not really happy with him and is confused.

So I said, don't worry about it. I'm pulling for you guys. I wish you all the best.. and that was it.

I still feel just as lonely, but oddly I feel a little happier.

[cmacattack1]

I don't know if being sneer is the right response but I guess it's better than no response at all.

Either way I think you did the right thing by letting her know that you aren't supporting her through her "confusion". I think it also shows that you have changed a bit and are no longer that doormat you used to be and fall back into the old routine of what you guys are used to.

She needs time on her own after the two of them fail (I mean c'mon, they ain't going to make it). Good for you for having that strength and logic to say no. Most people would have crumbled.

[SirWagginston]

You did good, man. I'm as proud of you as a stranger can be. Even if you do care about her, refusing to get back together with her was the right thing to do. That's the only way she'll really learn from her mistake, and become a better person. One day, you will find a better girl, who either doesn't need that lesson or has already learned it.

[soulsurvivor23]

So.... today I saw her for the first time in nearly a month. I saw her from a distance and when she spotted me she didn't say anything but she gave me a long look as if she wanted me to come over to her and say something. In a way I really wanted to but I just averted my course and didn't say a word. Now I feel bad again. I haven't contacted her but the good I was feeling for the past week or so does not feel so good anymore. What should I do? Should I have said hi?

[cmacattack1]

There are pros and cons to your approach there. It probably caught you off guard and you weren't prepared. I don't know the right answer to that question but it is all about you now. Do you think you would have kept your cool if you said hi and tried to feign a happy conversation? There isn't any shame in it if you weren't ready. You don't need to ignore her on purpose though if you were ready.

[soulsurvivor23]

To answer your question, no i'm not ready. Not at all. Everytime i've caved in and talked to her after saying I wouldn't we have first started out by telling each other we miss the other.. And how we don't want to lose each other.. And then somehow or another it turns into a shouting match about past and present issues. I don't want that an more and that's why i've chosen to avoid the situation altogether. She always ends up telling me that she loves me and then I just get drawn in again and when I ask her to be with me she says "i'd love to but I stil have a bf. But maybe in the future" and it just hurts me all over again. When I say I feel bad I don't mean I feel bad that I didn't talk to her but rather because seeing her made me miss her again after feeling a lot better.

[IndiReloaded]

At first I considered not responding to this message, then I decided that I really felt the need to. In summary, I sent her a short message that basically said, i'm doing good (which i'm obviously not, but I didn't want to give the impression that i'm struggling) and that over the past few weeks that we haven't talked i've gained some new perspective and realized that she's not the one for me. I continued to say that i'm happy for her and her bf (which was kind of an indirect way to rub it in her face) and that I wish them the best. And I said that I support her, that she made the correct decision and that one day I hope to find the same level of happiness she has with him (more rubbing it in). And that was basically it.

Then she responded back that she's not really happy with him and is confused.

So I said, don't worry about it. I'm pulling for you guys. I wish you all the best.. and that was it.

I still feel just as lonely, but oddly I feel a little happier.

You shouldn't have lied, IMO. You aren't pulling for them, you know they probably won't make it. Why add to her confusion and make her think you are encouraging their bad relationship? You kept your cool and refused to engage her emotionally, which is good, but I think you would have been even happier with something more like:

'Sorry you are unhappy and confused (mirror her feelings). I know that you will sort things out. I wish you all the best.' Endit.