Judging someone on their past

[pixeldust]

I found out some rather unsavory things about my current boyfriend through the wife of a friend, who knew him 6 years or so ago. At that time, he used to get drunk and beat his girlfriend of the time, was very controlling, and also cheated on her constantly through their relationship.

Part of me thinks that a cheater never changes their spots, and that the fact that he still drinks and gets (at least towards me) beligerant, kind of tells me that it could still be a problem. I've had doubts about his fidelity, but then I think a lot of that is a lack of self esteem in myself, combined with general anxiety which I've started seeing a counseller for. I haven't seen any elements of controlling behaviour in our 5 months together.

The other part of me thinks that hey, it's the past, and I wouldn't want to be judged on mine, so is it fair to judge him on his?

I'd like to talk to him about it, but I'm in the US at the moment and he is back in NZ, and I'm loathe to talk over the net about this kind of thing. I have over a week to think about it....

[vashti]

I think I would be very worried.

Especially about the domestic violence.

Cheating happens, like it or not, to approximately 50% of us (statistically). It's a big risk with any relationship. The violence is a whole other thing.

[Lipp]

Well, if he's a sensible and so far decent guy you could wait until you get back and have a solid discussion about his past to see if he feels as though he has been taking steps to fix it.

And with such a history I would recommend walking out the very moment that it looks as if he's being physically abusive in any way, at least with this knowledge you won't be having any delusions about it being a "one-time occurrence" as an excuse.

[pixeldust]

Well, if he's a sensible and so far decent guy you could wait until you get back and have a solid discussion about his past to see if he feels as though he has been taking steps to fix it.

And with such a history I would recommend walking out the very moment that it looks as if he's being physically abusive in any way, at least with this knowledge you won't be having any delusions about it being a "one-time occurrence" as an excuse.

I don't know that he has - it seems all the issues from then were alcohol related, and he drinks now... a LOT. It's been a big issue between us.

A month or so ago he was drunk and pushed me backwards off a chair onto concrete. Not maliciously, but it was thoughtless. I lay on the ground crying from the pain and he basically ignored me while I lay there. I made it quite clear that that would never happen again or I would be gone, and since then he seems to have made an effort to drink less, or at least not to the excess that is the problem.

I just feel so sad over this He talks about how his exes all cheated on him, and now I'm starting to wonder if that was the truth. I've been insecure for a while because of my self esteem issues, and this also makes me question his fidelity - once a cheater, always a cheater? I mean, I've cheated before, probably about the same length of time ago, and I would never do it now, and I wouldn't want to be judged on that.

I dunno, I feel conflicted

[VincenzoG91]

Run, run for your freaking life. The signs are all there, this guy is a violent control freak who will someday beat the crap out of you.

[Gigabitch]

Pushing someone off a chair is not "belligerent" behavior. It's abusive.

If a guy did that to me, pixel, he'd never see me again. You're still in the honeymoon phase at five months. Five years in and you'll be covering bruises with makeup and wondering why you don't have any friends or family to turn to because he will isolate you from your support network.

Break up with him now, over the phone, and get yourself clear of him before he comes back from NZ.

[girl68]

Get the hell out of there abusers of people and alcohol need help. If he hasn't sought any in regards to this no, he has not changed. Get the hell out of there fast.

[QuietLady]

Run Run Run. Get out. Save yourself. Abusers never change and don't want to change. Deep down, they LIKE doing what they're doing.

[Gigabitch]

Abusers never change and don't want to change. Deep down, they LIKE doing what they're doing.

Good point. Pixel, he did that because he wanted to, not because he was drunk. Drinking just gives him an excuse to act how he really is.

[QuietLady]

Thank you Gigabitch. Pixel, you'll always be a target as long as you stay there. Let someone else be his punching bag.