Getting close to ending it, but don't want to seem like a hypocrite or make a mistake

[mafj99]

Hello again,

Kind of getting tired of the whole situation I find myself in, not sure how I am going to get out and what I actually want.

Quick overview (more detailed posts of issus are around):

Met girlfriend 2 1/2 years ago, never did the whole mad sex and lust phase. Not helped by my travel anxiety which prevented me staying over at hers, she understood though and did stay over at mine.

Things have never been easy with us, at times seemed a bit of a uphill struggle. She moved in for 6 months while looking for a new flat, it was nice and we got really close but then last year she moved out into her new flat with best friend. When she did things changed (she lived with her friend before me, kind of moved out as she could stand the other person they lived with).

When she moved back I saw less of her, she stopped coming over to mine and she told me that she needed some space and to spend some time with her friend as she felt bad about leaving her before and she needed to focus on their friendship.

Couple of months later we had a long conversation about things not really progressing and us doing nothing as a couple anymore, agreed to move forward and try and work on the relationship.

Things started to get better and were going well until she started to become really quite, getting annyoed at me for no reason, never wanted to go out, again stopepd coming over to mine.

This resulted in her wanting some time apart, which I gave her and then that progressed into a break up as I wasn't giving her enough attention and wasn't fighting to keep her even though she said I needed to back off and give her space.

Took me a while but I started to get over it, missed her like crazy. Was a messy breakup as she would phone me drunk and shout at me down the phone telling me how much I had ruin her life.

After three months she got back in touch as I had still had some of her stuff so we met for coffee, had a good chat and decided to give it anohter go. She told me she had missed me and had made a mistake and we got back together. Before we did she told me that she had been with somebody else, which I was fine with and said it didn't matter as it didn't. She said only the one person though and it was a random one night stand.

Things had started to get back on track, I now stayed over hers and she started to stay over at mine. Never had sex, she was very unresponsive and closed to intamicy, but then found out was because she had got an infection (not anything serious just an irritation). So waited, that cleared up but she was still unresponsive and not willing to be intimate, which then she said was because she had a confidence problem and did before. Which made me feel a bit better as when we broke up one of the mahor reasons was lack of a sex life between us which she blamed on me as she insistied she was very confident.

Anyway I said that we just needed to talk and we could work through it, I didn't have much confidence eaither and together we could work through it. She even suggested seeing a therapist which I agreed to.

Come valetines day things are going well, had a lovely weekend and in the evening we went out to an event with her flat mate whcih was cool. When we arrived she became really quite and nervous as there was one of her firends work mates there. I didn;t really like this guy, I know she was in touch with him as they live int eh same building and he goes out with them. I asked her about him when we got back together as I suspected he was the guy that she had the one night stand with but she said it wasn't but I suspected there was something more, like he had asked her out or something.

Anyway as we sat there she turned round and told me she had slep with him (as well as the other guy) when we were not together, she was really sorry and didn't want me to break up with me becasue of it. Well I was a little annoyed with her, and told her as she had lied but was not going to break up with her but was not happy that she had still been talking to him and seeing him (understandably I feel).

Well at this time I came clean and told her that I had been with somebody else when we were appart so she didn't have to feel guilty, did nothing wrong. To say the mood changed at this point would be an understatement, she was annoyed at me, wouldn't look at me or touch me.

We left anyway as I was staying over and needed to get some stuff from her flat as decided it was best not to stay at this point. So we sat and talked for a bit and things were ok, until her flat mate brought the guy home for a couple of drinks which was somewhat aqward.

I left anyway shortly after, but it was now late and I needed to get home (fortunatly I hadn;t drank anything that evening).

Following day she contacts me to say she needs some time to think and that she was not going ot be in touch for a couple of days. Bit of a shock but undertandable so I waited and after a couple of days she suggested we meet up and talk.

Well we met up, she didn't think about canceling but I insisted and we had quite a nice chat and things seemed to be ok, she said she had a lot of stuff going on in her life (being skint and wanting a new job one of the main ones) and that she was bored and unfufilled with what she was doing with her life. Said that she wasn't going to be able to see me as often and wasn;t going to keep talking to me with all her problems as she felt it was unhealthy as she was becoming too dependant on me.

I understood and siad I was ok with that, all I asked was we still kept in touch, even if it was just a couple of text messages a day, etc. and make an effort to meet up once a week and go out on a date and try new things. She accepted that and said that would be nice to do and was a good idea and thanked me for understanding.

I hadn't seen her for a bit then one night when she rang me, and kept ringing me because she missed me and wanted me to go and see her (she as a little drunk admitily so my fault) but she wanted to come and stay over. So I went and saw her, when I go there she was nice and sweet, we went and got some food and then sat and watched some TV for 30 mins or so. When I suggested about gettin off she then said she didn;t want to now as she was worried about leaving her flat mate int he flat on her own, this annoyed me slightly but it wasn't a problem and I said I would stop there instead. Had a good chat in the morning with her before setting off and things seemed ok.

Well following day when I am at work she gave me a call for a chat but I was busy about to go into a meeting, she appologised and said she just wanted to say sorry about the night before but would call me later. Well I didn't hear from her for two days then.

I barely hear from her anymore, kisses have gone from messages she sends, same with not "sweetie", "baby", "gorgeous", etc. Just get "Hey you" instead which seems quite strange, suggested meeting up for a date, no answer. Getting very frustated, this is basically been going on for two weeks now and I am getting quite frustrated.

Understandably so I feel as no contact is a bit frustrating, I would actually like to see the person that is my girlfirend, or at least hear from her on the same day when I send her a message or try and call, not two days later.

Another bone of contention I have is the guy that she was with, work collegue of her flat mate, well understandbly I feel I am not happy about her seeing him. I assume, and correct me if I am out of line here but I am not happy about her calling, meeting up with the guy and who I know given the chance would go with her again.

I told her this and she said it was not fair and her flat mate said that I was being unreasonable and it was not fair on her (flat mate) for me to get jealouse of her (my girlfriend) seing him and it would make it awkard for them as a group. End of it she can't stop seeing him as it is not fair on her flat mate, though I think the texting and calls to her instead of flat mate are a bit much.

Ayway this is bugging me, I was in a relationship before when my girlfriend cheated on me, I had met the guy, asked her if anything was going on and it was denied. I don't want to be mistrustful but I don't want to be hurt again. COmbine with the fact a week before the whole kick off thing it was 2 am when we got back from a night out, she had forgotten her mobile and had a message form him when she got back. Nothing serious just a comment about a bouncer ina club or something. ANyway I was lying in bed with her, trying to get her in the mood and she was responding but then rolled over and started to reply to this guy. I asked her who she was texting, she said she wasn't, I told her I could see she was writing a text and she put her phone down then stopped talking to me and just rolled over. Well I deicded to leave as she said she was going to sleep and I had to get off as I was giving somebody a lift.

Anway after all this I was getting more annoyed, really want stuff to work between us but she doens't appear to be putting in any effort at all, despite telling me that she wants it to work and wants it to work between us. Spoke to her the other day as she rang an asked if I fancied a chat, first time in a week she wanted to chat and the first time in all the time I have know her that I spent on the phone not really bothered about talking to her and I hate that. I just feel exhausted with the whole thing and I am getting to the end of what I am deal with. Combined with the fact that she told me she has been out every night partying, despite compaliaing about not having any chase and not taking the time to reply to me when I asked how she was or tried to contact her.

Final straw tonight when logging onto Facebook to update some info first post in my timeline was my girlfriend being tagged in several photos in an album of "the guy" out on one her nights out this week, which means she was out with him again.

I hate being distrustful and feeling this way about somebody who I care for so very much and love, I keep thinking maybe I am overreacting to the whole thing and reading more into it than there is but I jsut don't know.

I know she is unhappy with a lot of things and has some problems she needs to work through but she was willing to wait for me so I feel bad not being willing to wait for her to try and fix her problems as she doesn't seem to be doing anything and everthing is still the smae as it was over a year ago when we were having problems.

I also feel like a hypocrite being annoyed at her for lying to be about sleeping with this guy when we were broken up and lying about it to me, even though I did the same, although she never asked if I had done aything when we were appart. Did ask who she was as saw her name in my phone and I didn't lie totally, jsut didn't tell her about hte one night stand as she was soembody I knew before hand. But is still a lie which is why I came clean.

I love her so much but at the same point I can see patterns emerging with her like what happened with my ex beforehand when she actaully cheated on me and then left me. That really messed up a lot as we lived together for three years, were engaged and then found she was lying for over a year left a lot of issues I had to deal with. Seeing the patterns appearing again but I don't know if that is becasue I am looking for them to prevent myself getting hurt or if I am justified int he way I feel.

As it stands now I think I should just walk away but I don't want to make a decision I will regret doing, however at the same point I don't want to be in relationship where I never see or hear from my girlfriend and who is going out and meetin gup with a guy I know she has had a thing with and given the opportunity he would try it on with her again.

I think I know the answer but don't want to admit it to myself, I suppose I am just looking for some reasurance that indeed it is the right answer. I don't know, thanks for reading this rather long winded rant, any advice, suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I have never been in a position like this before.

S

[cmacattack1]

This was a fun up and down roller coaster ride.

I think the issues that have been haunting you since the beginning of the relationship still persist today. She still uses excuses as to why she's not happy when she's with you and it seems pretty apparent that she doesn't really feel for you anymore. She would never say this to you, but I feel she is kind of keeping you around because you are a seemingly nice guy that has put up with alot of her bullshit. To be excited to hang out with some other guy just the two of them while you get the brunt of her emotional abuse at home is ridiculous and you do not deserve that.

I know that you love her, and care about her, you have to think logically about this. You broke up, were apart, had a nice chat decided to get back together, but what really changed? She was nice and sweet as pie at first because she missed you and her one night stands weren't cutting it for her. Nothing has changed on her part. It seems she has to really lose something to finally understand that maybe she was wrong and needs to work on some things. She is treating you like dirt and not being honest with how she feels. Hence the excuses for her behavior, and that is exactly what they are, excuses. She seems stubborn as shit.

You want to work on things and you are getting nothing in return from her. What else can you do? I think it's time to call it quits. She's wasting your time. I say this because my ex girlfriend was in your shoes and I was your girlfriend in which I took what I had from her for granted. Didn't learn my lesson until I was out on my ass and when she resisted all my pathetic attempts to get back together. Keep in mind I had actually cared for that girl and wanted to be a better person because of my experience. If her feelings for you aren't there, she might not want to change. A shame. It will come back and haunt her in life I promise.

[IndiReloaded]

I didn't read the whole post, sorry. But I did read past your living together and then her moving back out on her own.

It seems to me that, from her perspective, you haven't put as much effort into her & your relationship as you could. I think she got tired of waiting for you to hustle a bit. You seem a bit too ambivalent about your whole relationship. I would have given up on you as well. Noone wants to put effort into someone where its not appreciated and reciprocated.

[oneandonly]

I didn't read the whole post, sorry. But I did read past your living together and then her moving back out on her own.

It seems to me that, from her perspective, you haven't put as much effort into her & your relationship as you could. I think she got tired of waiting for you to hustle a bit. You seem a bit too ambivalent about your whole relationship. I would have given up on you as well. Noone wants to put effort into someone where its not appreciated and reciprocated.

Oh no, I suggest you go back and finish OP's story! lol.

[QueenofCorona]

Eh, doesn't seem like much of a relationship. A relationship involves two people giving and taking. She only seems to be pulling the puppet strings. When she says "jump" you say "how high?" thats not a relationship. And whats the deal with her drunk screaming calls? Does she have Tourettes? I don't see how you deserve that.

I think you already know what the answer to this is. No sense beating a dead horse.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh no, I suggest you go back and finish OP's story! lol.

Why? I quick scanned it. She's treating him like a doormat, but its b/c he's been rather passive. People treat you with the respect you command. Anyway, she's a bitch chasing other guys and he's too nice to call her on it. So, maf, dump her already before she dumps you and makes you feel completely awful. Corona said it--its already over.

[mafj99]

I didn't read the whole post, sorry. But I did read past your living together and then her moving back out on her own.

It seems to me that, from her perspective, you haven't put as much effort into her & your relationship as you could. I think she got tired of waiting for you to hustle a bit. You seem a bit too ambivalent about your whole relationship. I would have given up on you as well. Noone wants to put effort into someone where its not appreciated and reciprocated.

Firstly the whole moving in an out was due to her hating where she was living and wanting to get away until she could just find somewhere for her and her friend to rent together. I asked her to stay but she wanted to keep living with her friend and felt guilty about leaving her friend to move in with me just for that short period.

Secondly I put plenty of effort in, yes I may have been a bit of a doormat, I admit that, I have to her as well when we got back together but when we got back together I made an effort to not be such a push over. The trouble is she doesn't seem to like it when I do put my foot down and not do everything she wants, I feel better about myself for doing it but she lets me know she is not happy.

I have never been ambivalent about the relationship, I have torn myself apart when things were going bad and been a complete mess. I have put plenty of effort into the relationship, there were several things that I didn't mention in the original post as I was trying to keep it short (and it ended up pretty long).

For example, many times I would on the spur of the moment suggest meeting up and doing something, sometimes that was not always praticle with her however as her flat mate was going to be home on her own and she didn't want ot leave her as she felt guilty about it. Sometimes hwne I asked her to come over she wouldn't as again she didn't want to leave her flat mate on her own in the flat over night. Recently when I met up with her one of the things she said was she thought she was spending to much time with me and was spending more of her free time with me than her flat mate and that wasn't fair on her.

More examples, I would go over to pick her up and have something to eat and then she was going to be coming back to mine but when we got back to her house if her flat mate was up then she wouldn't leave until she had gone to bed as she didn't wnat ot leave her on her own. On nights when she had come back to mine and we were having a weekend together, not only did she keep checking in to make sure her flat mate was ok but if her flat mate had gone out with some of her friends she wouldn't sleep properly until she had heard from her and that she had got back safe. Granted it is nice to know but it is very had to try and set a mood when every half an hour she would be sending a text and if she didn't get a reply within an hour would start to worry and send anohter and sometimes call her to make sure she was ok. Now I know that sounds bad from me saying that I wish she didn't care about her friend, that is not the case but sometimes it seemed a bit much, like you would expect from a parent.

Like I said I don't think I was not putting in any effort, I think I put a lot of effort in and tried really hard. Yes I was a bit of a push over, made sure I speak up when things annoy me this time (which usually results in some conflict) but I did put up with a lot and I don't think you can say I didn't put in any effort.

At the moment I may very well be ambivalent towards the relationship as I am not happy. I still care for her and love her a lot but at the same point I keep trying and trying and seem to be getting nothing back.

S

[mafj99]

Eh, doesn't seem like much of a relationship. A relationship involves two people giving and taking. She only seems to be pulling the puppet strings. When she says "jump" you say "how high?" thats not a relationship. And whats the deal with her drunk screaming calls? Does she have Tourettes? I don't see how you deserve that.

I think you already know what the answer to this is. No sense beating a dead horse.

Like I said, I kind of do know the answer but it is hard to admit. When we got back together I thought we could work things out and get things back on track but sadly I seem to be playing 2nd place in her life. I don't want to hurt her but at the same point I can put up with this any longer.

S

[cmacattack1]

It can't be a very good feeling that you are playing second fiddle to her housemate, that can't be alone for 5 minutes? What's the roommate's take on this? I'm sure her roommate has a life of her own outside of it and could probably use a break from your girlfriend's mothering.

I think she really needs to get her priorities straight and that's part of growing up. Is having her friend more important in her life than having a loving, faithful companion that you can have intimacy you cannot with a friend? She's going to feel so very alone and so very foolish when her friend gets a life of her own or gets a boyfriend of her own and does not want to spend as much time with your girlfriend anymore.

I say this with extreme confidence being a guy that put his friends and what he wanted over his girlfriend and she got sick of it and kicked me to the curb. Guess who is the sorry one now?

[mafj99]

It's not the greatest feeling i'll be honest, gets to me and I find it frustrating. I have spoke to her friend and asked if she has a problem with her friend spending time with me, answer is always know and she is ok with her coming to see me.

To be honest it is a bit of a minefield, they have a very co-dependant relationship. I guess I keep hoping that she will snap out of it and grow up and start putting me higher up in her list of priorities, the question is how long do I wait. I have had over two years of this and I am starting to get fed up with it now. To be honest I want a girlfriend that is like a girlfriend, it is starting to get to me now, especially when my mate all talk about going to see their girlfriends and going out, spending time with them, etc. I kind of sit there and think what on earth is going on? It's not for a lack of trying, I suggest things and try and make the effort but seem to get blown out.

The latest one which made me laugh, I guess because of how pointless it seemed was my girlfriend thinks it is a bad idea for her to just come over and we grab a DVD and take-out and just sit on the sofa. She thinks we are too comfertable together to do something like that. I asked her why it was a bad thing to do it, it's like I suggested doing it all the time but sometimes it is a nice thing to do just to spend some time together relaxing and just enjoying each others company.

I don't want to just walk away but it is starting to get more than I can cope with, I don't want to make a decision however that I will regret. As it stands I haven't heard form her now since Monday and that was only to ask how much something cost, which I told her and got no reply, thank you or anything. There is something strange going on.

S

[cmacattack1]

Only she knows why she is acting like this and I'm afraid that the answer isn't something you are looking for: keeping you around to put up with her until she finds something better. Based on my experiences and what I read, just my speculation.

Only she knows.

[mafj99]

Only she knows why she is acting like this and I'm afraid that the answer isn't something you are looking for: keeping you around to put up with her until she finds something better. Based on my experiences and what I read, just my speculation.

Only she knows.

It's true, she is the only one who knows why she is acting this way. It may be that she has just been keeping me around, she says she loves me (or did anyway) and after time apart the first time realised she didn't want anybody else but at the moment it sure doesn't look that way as she seems ot be doing everything to drive me away.

I think not seeing my girlfriend properly for almost two weeks, only having spoken to her once in that time and recieved a hadful of messages asking if I had seen something on TV really doesn't look like she can be bothered. I have tried suggesting meeting up for a date and sending he messages to see what she is upto, etc. shows that I am still trying to make an effort but what more can I do?

It is really starting to get to me as I feel my hand is being forced into doing something I really don't want to do.

S

[cmacattack1]

I know it hurts and I know you don't want to do it. It's just thinking about what you are doing now and what results it is getting you. If it isn't working now, why would it work if you keep doing it? That's craziness my friend.

It's totally up to you to do what you want to do, and I'm sure whatever you feel is right is what you are going to do regardless of our opinions. I'm just telling you from my experience being the piece of shit boyfriend that acted like your girlfriend is acting. I wasn't happy with my relationship because I wasn't happy with myself and put everything else a priority ahead of my girlfriend while she put me number one. It's a shitty feeling that my ex/you are feeling and my ex could vouch for that. I understand how worthless and powerless a feeling is when you are fighting for something on your own and it requires two people's efforts.

[mafj99]

Thank you so much for that, it has made the situation clearer, not any easier but it is a step in the right direction.

I am going to have to speak to her face to face and ask why she is in this relationship, it will be hard to do as I know she is unhappy in herself and is partially taking it out on me I have to let her know that it is not fair for her to do that. What ever happens happens at the end of the day but if she is not willing or able to put the effort in to try and give this relationship a chance of working then I am going to have to do the hard thing and walk away. I don't want to have to do it and I am sure I will feel bad for doing it and most likely regret doing it at first but she has to know how I feel and either show willing or loose me.

Thank you all for the replies, they have been helpful in making me think about what I need to do and more importantly how to do it.

S

[mafj99]

Why is it when things seem to be looking stright forward something always seems to go wrong?

I went on Facebook (wonderful invention for kicking you in the face at times) as I had a message from a friend, in the news section I see that my girlfriend has been taged in a album of nights out with her friend. First photo shown is of her out with the guy, this was on her birthday which she didn't invite me too, when I asked her who she was out with (was the night she was drunk and rang me when she got in) she jsut said the girls. Now I find out she was out with him as well, possibly explains why I didn't get invited.

Now wether there is something going on, or as she says there is nothing going on anymore is not the worst part in all this. What hurts the most is that from my point of view, and I think I am justified in this, is that she didn't invite me out with her but he was there. Now I don't know if she knew (I suspect she did as when I asked her at the weekend before she said she was unsure what she was doing on her birthday as her friend was arranging something). I may be reading into it but I suspect she meant that they had plans to go out and knew that he would be going out with them and she didn't want me there as well.

Either way no matter what she says about realising that she wanted me instead of him, she may very well not want a relationship with him but even so I have taken 2nd place yet again.

Well I now feel like crap, I am so angry and upset and I feel I am being forced into somehting that I didn't want to do.

S