Younger man needs advice from older woman

[theyoungturk]

Hello

I am 29 years old and in love with my boss, who is 48. I confessed this to her about 3 months ago. I knew that the outcome would not be that great as she is married. Sure enough she told me "I'm very flattered, but I'm with someone and I'm too old for you".

A month goes by, with us just carrying on as normal; I start the process of getting over her. We then start to converse quite a bit over the internet, using Facebook at first and then Skype. It gets to the point where we are talking every night for hours. I would tell her that we are becoming very close and that you must be developing feelings for me. She would deny this; should we also try and convince me that I didn't love her. While we were having these conversations she was not at work on the day that I was working, so I didn't get to see her in person until after a couple of weeks of these internet convos. When I did eventually get to see her in person her behaviour/body language was completely different, it was obvious that she had become very attracted to me. I discussed this with her over the internet and she admitted that she had become attracted to me; things started getting very sexual...she alluded that she wanted a real physical relationship with me. I warned her of the consequences but she seemed not to care. However the next day she emailed me, telling me that she didn't want to break her marriage vows; she also said she wanted to stop these internet convos. I felt broken hearted, but accepted the situation.

All of 2 days later she wanted to start the skyping again. She confessed to me that she has never loved her husband (marriage of convenience). She still didn't want to be with me, but over a couple of weeks I managed change her mind. Last week she confessed that she loved me. We had a dinner last week with everyone from work, she wanted to come to my place beforehand to have a private drink and our first kiss. Unfortunately she got a snotty cold and didn't want to give it to me. The day after the dinner she told me that she did not have a good time and had gone home and cried till 2:30. I guessed this was because i was giving too much attention to this other girl. She said that she didn't like seeing me flirting with younger girls. I honestly felt I was flirting with her, but there you go. I repeatedly told her that I was only interested in her.

The annoying thing is that she says she doesn't mind me seeing other women. She just doesn't want to see me with any of them. I tell her I'm not interested in other woman, but she just calls me ridiculous.

A few days ago she told me she was firm in her mind that she wants our relationship to go back to professional only. She said she wasn't prepared to discuss or negotiate at this time. I agreed I would back-off for a while so she can clear her head. She won't tell me why she has suddenly decided to break away, but i have a strong feeling that she can't handle the idea of upsetting herself all the time from the threat of younger women (threat that is only in her head btw).

Anyway, sorry for going on. I'll get to my point now. What can I do to stop her feeling paranoid about younger women? We are in love and I don't want to let that slip from my fingers because of some silly false notion in her head.

[sookie6]

It's very unsettling for a mature woman to go out with a much younger guy.

Us women do not think selfishly especially when we grow older.

A 48 year old man would just give in to passion and the satisfaction to be loved by a young woman.

Your love interest though perfectly knows that time is not in her favour. She is thinking menopause, pre-retirement plan...has she got children?

Anway she also knows that there is no long term future with you. One day you will want children, a familly of your own and she won't be able to give you that. Why would she happily giving in to her feelings when she knows there is very little chance for a forever with you?

[vashti]

You can't stop her from feeling insecure about you with younger girls. You are an inappropriate match, and since she is older, she knows this. Your romance will be time-limited, and in the end, she will likely end up being with her husband, despite the lack of affection, while you go on to a more appropriate match. Why should that not make her a little bit sad and insecure?

If you want to have a fling with this woman, that is between the two of you, but I think you should keep in mind the transitory nature of it all.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe she feels foolish considering an affair with a man almost 20 years younger than herself. She should. Regardless of how true and constant your feelings are, she knows that she'll look like a dirty old cougar with you and maybe she had an epiphany about the inappropriateness of her involvement with you.

I don't care how much "in love" you are, you're going after a married woman and that's a pretty scummy move. It doesn't indicate high levels of personal integrity. I can see how this might lead her to believe that you're not a safe bet.

[theyoungturk]

You're probably right Gigabitch, as jaded as your opinion sounds. You can't choose who you love, I've been in situations before where women in relationships have made a move on me and i've rejected them without hesitation because I consider myself a good person. I'm not one of these idiot players who gets a thrill out of pursuing a married woman. I kept my mouth shut for 2 years before I told her. It got to the point where I couldn't hold it in anymore; a selfish move maybe, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

[Doc Durian]

Married people are off limits. 20 something year age differences aren't all that big of a deal.

If you and her are in the correct mindset to start a relationship (assuming that she's not going to get jealous of younger women around you and you're not interested in having children), then my hat is off to both of you.

But she is married, mate.

Give it a miss.

[IndiReloaded]

This kind of thing is *very* common for work relationships, especially junior-superior interactions of the opposite sex. Trust me, you don't love her. She just represents some fantasy ideal that you need to find in someone more suitable. Most bosses have had to deal with young people's crushes. The standard play out is: mild rejection, some embarassment for the junior person (also the senior person but kept hidden), carry on and pretend nothing happened. In a few weeks, you won't need to pretend it anymore.

Finding a GF your age will also help. Good luck.