Uncomfortable situation: help analyze relationship

[JeffreyJones]

So in November i began dating a girl, things heated up and have been going very well. We almost never fight, ive met her family, and i love you did slip out not too long ago. However i recently discovered that she has had an on and off sexual relationship with another man for 6 years. He took her virginity in highschool (they did not go to the same highschool). He also knows many more of her friends than i do, and their families are very close. However their parents do not know of their long sexual history. their families had been friends for many years before this. She told me the last time she had hooked up with the guy was August before he left for school, although as she says 'they were not dating' and they only ever do it because 'its just convenient'. She also tells me that the guy is 'aweful' and a 'terrible person', at which i roll my eyes (not literally) as she would not be having sex with him for so many years if thats what she really felt. Futhermore, she also has told me that she only has had sex with 3 guys. Him in an on and off "purely sexual" relationship for several years in highschool and in several years of summers of early college when they saw each other (never having a sexual relationship with someone else), a boyfriend from Sept-May last year during school (when guy #1 wasn't around) with whom SHE broke it off in May saying he was "paranoid" or "accusing her of cheating" :o!, a one night stand with a fella after she broke up with the boyfriend , and then guy #1 again in a "purely sexual" reationship for the rest of that (last) summer. Then i came in the pic and now am realizing that i may be a gap filler called up from the minors. Also, me my gf and guy #1 were at a party over the winter break and my gf "forgot" to inform me of their history until months later. He came up to me and said good luck with her ( i didnt respond with a punch to the face bc i wasnt aware of their history); then he tried to recruit her to go to the bar with him, she said no, i didnt respond i thought they were just friends, but still she didnt tell me about theit past.

Is she crazy about this dude? Im thinking so if she only had sex with the same guy all these years.
And i feel like im getting set up to get burned come May.
Although i had confronted her and she told me she's not even friends with the guy anymore?? and doesnt talk to him anymore (but seriously prob a lie). That hes terrible and "only looks after himself", which tells me she rly wants him to give her more attention.
The guy is pretty much ****ing her anytime he wants but doesnt want to date her is what im understanding.
Also, whats weird is she keeps saying that shes never said i love u to anyone before me?? How can that possibly be if i have only been with her 4 months, her last bf 8 months, and dude #1 so many years.


So pretty much can anyone offer me advice on how to take in and handle all of this.

Like i'm pretty sure i need to punch the guy square in the face next time i see him no questions (only for the comment he made, clearly knowing i wouldnt retaliate for it a the time bc i was unaware of the situatiom).
But am wondering if thats even worth it to make me feel better, as i maybe should just end the relationship before getting burned myself, or stay and see?
What would you honestly do if you were in this situation and had been feeling emotionally stressed for a while bc of it??

[girl68]

I think you're an idiot. You don't get it at all.

1) girls can have sex without loving a dude.
2) girls can do it with stupid people like she did because she's horny.
3) girls will sleep with someone they already slept with just so that they don't have to waste a number on a new guy
4) girls have f**k buddies too (and we don't tell them we love them even after 6 years)

You are assuming way too much. If after 8 months she didn't love her ex why are do you have your panties in a knot that she didn't tell him but told you in 4 months? If she didn't love him she didn't tell him. If she told you, she must love you. If you keep pushing I'll bet she'll walk away- right into bad ass's bed.

She doesn't need to tell you her sexual history. But she should have if you were going to run into him. That is the only thing I agree with in that whole post. Otherwise mind your own damned business. You have no reason at all to belive that you are just a gap filler.

[Gigabitch]

Why would you punch him in the face for such a tiny comment? Why do you have such a hard time believing she never said I love you to anyone else?

You're making shit into more than it is. You're acting like a typical insecure, jealous boyfriend and that is going to drive her away. You want to keep her? Settle the **** down and treat her way better than that guy ever did. Tell her you want him out of her life, not because you're threatened but because you think he's a douchebag, and make it worth her while.

[JeffreyJones]

The guy was clearly giving me dirty looks, and what he said was way out of line for someone in his position. Plus she was there when it went down, and didnt inform me of their history until about a month after that party. And she brought him up as a subject. I know when somethings out of tune and this is one of those instances.

[JeffreyJones]

rereading my post i also forgo to mention that i have a mutual friend with the bf who got dumped at the start of the summer, and i happened to have a talk with the bf a couple months back. He knew i knew his exgf but def didnt know i started seeing her as it was new. And I recall him saying that they had been in love and in a very good realtionship before she started acting different early in the summer and then she quickly broke it off.

[girl68]

So then really, what are you asking?

Yeah he was out of line. So what.

Given that the problem is not the other dude it is your gf. And you my friend have crossed the line talking to her ex about her behind her back and now using it to judge her.

[JeffreyJones]

Whoa i didnt cross any line there! I had been ****ing her for about 2 weeks then , not in a relationship, and then he happened to talk to me, and she was brough up by him. We were talking about other aquantances and he said i saw ur friends with X, shes a bitch...(smack talk). Im 99.99% sure he didnt know i ****ed her.

Im looking more for a guys perspective. R there any guys in this forum im looking for a balanced opinion here?

[Doc Durian]

If you care for this girl, back off. She has more or less been forthcoming with you although she did hesitate for a spell.

The whole on again off again or " just for sex" should be concerning for you, but if she's with you... it's because she likes you and she doesn't want to be with him, either.

I'm sure of a few of us have gone through playing her part before... I know I have once. I ended that behaviour when I realized how much I was hurting others and myself in particular... thusly having nothing to do with the other ever again.

If you persue your paranoia, she'll leave you. She has to come to terms with her past behaviour and move on for her future, presumably with you.

You want that, don't you? Maybe she already has, maybe she's on the cusp of it, maybe she's still in the grey area. The point is, you can have no positive influence over any outcome aside from being yourself with her.

So... unless she's lying to you and it's not your paranoia doing the judging... love her, respect her, and don't get caught up in idle negative thoughts.

She'll get the fight or flee feeling or the walls closing in thoughts about you and have to leave for her own mental stability/sanity.

You must also treat him with respect, incidentally... as a person. Unless he throws the first punch and it wasn't provoked by you, be confident in the relationship which you have with her.

Don't fist fight him, don't scour the internet looking for incriminating info on him, don't be snipey if you cross paths.

Buy the fellow a beer and strike up a conversation about something fun and not threatening or related to her.

If he tries to do the reverse, politely state that you're not interested in partaking in any of it and would rather have a friendly beer instead.

Be the man. Be yourself. Be honest. Be confident. Be her boyfriend.

That paranoia shit will 100 percent backfire on you like kharma.

If you see something conclusive which demonstrates that you're being treated unfairly, speak up.

If it's worse than that, promptly leave the relationship.

Chances are that if she's used the "I love you" on you for the first time ever, she's keen on you. Don't turf it over petty shit.

Good luck.

[JeffreyJones]

Im pretty much asking if u were in this situation would u find it worth it to stick around or just save the trouble and end it and move on?

[girl68]

^ Given you said that right there. You should dump her.

[Doc Durian]

Im pretty much asking if u were in this situation would u find it worth it to stick around or just save the trouble and end it and move on?

Which is more or less, "Tell me what to do" .

Can't do that. I'm not you.

Have a think about your thoughts, feelings, and advice offered in this thread and by your friends, family, etc... and make the decision for yourself.

I personally wouldn't approach it as "trouble", though.

You're getting to see it... how many people have their relationships ended abruptly after the fact while they didn't have a clue about the background.

Count yourself lucky. You're getting it first hand.