communication breakdown?

[whitchatah]

I've known for some time that my boyfriend of 2 yrs doesn't enjoy talking on the phone. I thought he got over it with me but recently he let me know that he feels he should be doing more productive or fun things instead of being on the phone. we live about 30 mins from each other and in a good week we see each other about 3 times, but sometimes only once a week. usually i only see him for 4-6hrs at a time. When we do talk on the phone it's hardly ever more than 15 mins. many times it's only to say goodnight. i don't get why he has no desire to talk to me when we don't have contact throughout the entire day. the absolute worst part is that he says he will call and then doesn't, he also will deliberately ignores my calls now. i told him i just won't call anymore because i'm tired of trying to hunt him down when i want to get to bed or when i just want to see how his day has been. i have tried so many things and i tell him what i need to feel secure with him and he refuses to help me out. it makes me feel out of sight out of mind. he says he thinks about me throughout the day but still has no need to connect with me. he has lied to me before a bout doing or not doing particular things and i'm not sure how i can trust him if he won't reassure me here and there.
incredibly confused.

[VincenzoG91]

A relationship can't survive without good communication. It's possible that he doesn't understand that, so tell him. If he isn't willing to improve, then dump him.

[Gigabitch]

I almost never talk on the phone while sitting around doing nothing. I will put on my headset and fold laundry, do dishes, water plants, etc. There's no reason he can't talk to you and be productive at the same time.

[vashti]

I don't really see what the problem is if your communication is good when you are together and you don't think he is off with some other female. A lot of males just aren't phone-talkers... in fact, some women aren't, either.

In any case, your desire for increased phone time does not outweigh his desire for less. You will probably have to negotiate something in the middle.

[Incognito]

I don't really see what the problem is if your communication is good when you are together and you don't think he is off with some other female. A lot of males just aren't phone-talkers... in fact, some women aren't, either.

In any case, your desire for increased phone time does not outweigh his desire for less. You will probably have to negotiate something in the middle.

That seems reasonable at first glance. However, only seeing someone 1-3 times a week coupled with limited talk time makes me scratch my head. Sure a demanding schedule and a 30 minute drive can result in limited visits. Usually people make up for that with some other form of communication though. If talking on the phone isn't his forte does he text? Does he send you emails? Anything else? If the answer is "no" there is a problem. As men we persue what we want (in one way or another). I dated a woman who lived about 30 minutes away, and damn if I wasn't there every weekend and most days after work. I dated another girl in another state and used to talk to her for hours late at night (despite the fact that I prefer face to face talking), which resulted in a few staggering bills .The two highest were $500+ and $900+.

Why is it that you can only see each other a few times a week?
Is the time that you spend together meaningful, or is it a bunch of smalltalk and tv watching?
Does he communicate with you in any other way since he hates talking on the phone so much?
Do you suspect that he is seeing someone else?

[vashti]

That seems reasonable at first glance. However, only seeing someone 1-3 times a week coupled with limited talk time makes me scratch my head.

Really? Hmm. I guess I don't see that amount of contact as an issue at all, especially after a couple of years of dating, when the hormones have calmed down.

Then again, I enjoy my time to myself.

And really, 3 times a week is the same as every other day. That's a lot of face time when you aren't living together.

[whitchatah]

I almost never talk on the phone while sitting around doing nothing. I will put on my headset and fold laundry, do dishes, water plants, etc. There's no reason he can't talk to you and be productive at the same time.

I have no objection to him multi-tasking.. if he could. lol. he knows he gets distracted if he's trying to do more than talk. he gets ancy when he's on the phone and will find ways to occupy him self, but our communication has been suffering because of it. i talked to him about it and we're both doing things to help one another. I let him call me when he can talk and he hasn't been picking up the game controller or tv remote 3mins into the call like he used to..

[whitchatah]

Why is it that you can only see each other a few times a week?
Is the time that you spend together meaningful, or is it a bunch of smalltalk and tv watching?
Does he communicate with you in any other way since he hates talking on the phone so much?
Do you suspect that he is seeing someone else?

our conflicting work schedules.. both full time, the drive is 30mins at late hours and no traffic. it's usually a 50 minute drive.
many days i see him we only have time for a little tv or we rent a movie and we talk freely. we do go out on occasion..dinner,movies etc.
he does txt from time to time but when i txt he usually doesn't respond for hours. he typically doesn't have the ringer on or the phone in the same room as he is.
i don't suspect cheating at all... he lied to me about when he started smoking cigarettes,he was able to keep it from me for 4 months. then he quit for about 2 months then picked up cigars, kept that from me for another 2 months.. even though the first time i told him i was only mad because he kept it from me and if he had told me i would have been dramatically less upset. the only reason i found out about the cigars was because i opened his glove box to look for tissues. and both times he picked it up was because of his co-workers/friends. the reason he quit the first time was because his mom found out and tried to hit him up for the smokers fee on the insurance. so it makes me uneasy to know he is able to keep things from me until i manage to find out. because when i asked him about it he gave me a guilt trip about not trusting him. it may be why i make such a big deal about communicating when he's not around.

[whitchatah]

In any case, your desire for increased phone time does not outweigh his desire for less. You will probably have to negotiate something in the middle.

I absolutely agree.. I'm doing my best to respect when he doesn't feel up to talking.

[whitchatah]

A relationship can't survive without good communication. It's possible that he doesn't understand that, so tell him. If he isn't willing to improve, then dump him.

i can see he's trying for me now. i just have to back off a little, he's probably feeling suffocated so i think him calling me the majority of the time will be best right now.

[starbuck]

I know that some guys aren't as phone chatty as others, but I find it more troubling that he will say he'll call and then doesn't. Not only is it disrespectful to you, but it shows him to be someone who doesn't always stick by his word. It's a red flag if you ask me.

Also he needs to know that you will not tolerate lying even over little things. Even little white ones can do major damage to a relationship. Don't accept this.

[Mish]

I'm a guy and I can confirm that I absolutely DESPISE chatting on the phone. You'd be lucky to squeeze 15 minutes out of me, I think the guy is doing great if you are getting that much out of him. I just find phone conversations over five minutes boring, mundane and extremely annoying. My gf is aware of this, that's why we usually talk through email when we don't see each other often.

I also agree with the lying bit from Starbie^

[Krissykris]

I think he's being a jerk! 2 years of being with someone and he can't even put up with 30+ mins of the phone with the girl he loves..... And if he says he's gonna call and doesn't???? Little things matter, if he can't even remember to call you what does that say about him remembering your b-day, or even that he has a girlfriend.

Maybe I've been spoiled with guys that are nice to me, but if a guy doesn't have more than 30 mins on the phone with me, he can kiss my ass, I'm not one for dickin' around with relationships, give it your all or go home

[SirWagginston]

The reason I don't like the phone so much is because it's hard to for to really connect with someone that way. It's hard to be as interested when I can't see the person.

Thankfully, I have Skype, now. Get Skype; problem solved.

[Incognito]

I think he's being a jerk! 2 years of being with someone and he can't even put up with 30+ mins of the phone with the girl he loves..... And if he says he's gonna call and doesn't???? Little things matter, if he can't even remember to call you what does that say about him remembering your b-day, or even that he has a girlfriend.

Maybe I've been spoiled with guys that are nice to me, but if a guy doesn't have more than 30 mins on the phone with me, he can kiss my ass, I'm not one for dickin' around with relationships, give it your all or go home

That is precisely the part that I don't get. We men pursue what we want. If he is content with a seemingly casual relationship, that's all it may ever be. What if one of you moves closer? Do you think he'll actually spend more time with you, or will he feel "suffocated"? What if one of you moves further away? Will less "face time" equal more phone time? Although the relationship between my wife and I is strained because of our sexual situation I still call or text if she is gone for more than a couple of hours. She was out of town this weekend, which I absolutely LOVED because I got to sit around and relax, but I still sent her text messages. I also call my best friend whenever I get the chance.

The lying is also a bad indicator of the future. Someone who lies about small inconsequential things is more likely to lie with every fiber of their being if something serious comes up that they don't want you to know about. If he can't tell the truth about smoking, and was able to conceal it for months, what do you think would happen if he got drunk with his friends and had sex with some random girl? What if he got an STD? Do you honestly think he'd tell you any of that? Unlikely. You'd probably find out when YOU started showing signs of having an STD or when someone else told you about the one night stand.