Should I tell her that he cheated AGAIN???

[tropigal82]

Hey Guys its me again...

I have a moral dilemma...

OK so basically as many of you know I was dating a guy since september - he was acting very strange and I couldn't work out why. Anyway, its definately over between us now and I haven't contacted him for a week. Although he seems desperate to stay 'friends' with me.

ANYWAY I have now got conclusive evidence that he was two timing me with his long term girlfriend of 3 or more? years...! Well the situation is this, she lives abroad so they have been mostly having a long distance relationship, and I know for a fact that when she returns to the country they plan to move in together and eventually marry. (He doesn't know that I know all this.)

Basically she broke up with him once before when she found out he had been cheating on her. She was furious. They got back togethor a while later, he seemed to be remorseful and she warned him never to cheat on her again. But he has. And he was seeing me for 5 months whilst conducting a long distance relationship with her also.

I've also found out he's been using 'escort' agencies!!!

OK so the question is this???

DO I TELL HER?

[QueenofCorona]

Thats a tough situation, granted you're intentions are good they may be misconstrued by the girlfriend and her loser boyfriend. He'll play it off to her that you are jealous of her and making trouble. Too bad you can't get her evidence annoymously.

[girl68]

I agree. I'd like you to tell her in this case but yeah how would you? How do you know all this about him wanting to marry her and shit?

[misombra]

don't tell her shit. just thank the heavens or whatever deity you believe in that she's not you.

[OneQuestion]

Tell her.. but only if you are 100% sure of what you think. If so, he is a cheating bastard that has a seroius GF overseas, but he is just 'having fun' while she is gone. He is a loser, he will hopefully be miserable his whole life. TELL HER!

Thats a tough situation, granted you're intentions are good they may be misconstrued by the girlfriend and her loser boyfriend. He'll play it off to her that you are jealous of her and making trouble. Too bad you can't get her evidence annoymously.

He cheated on her before... she wont' do this... she will be very suspecoius why another GIRL is telling her this. Why would another girl be in his life even, why would she call him, etc... She won't put this on you as being crazy, he obvoiusly DID SOMETHING to cause you to do this... She will know he is the one at fault.

[LoveHurts09]

if its possible to do so without looking like a jealous ex or w/e then yh tell her, otherwise she wont believe u and he will just turn it on u... depends how much u see him or if u think he might take revenge on u etc if u do break them up.
i think she deserves to know but better if u just give proof or clues, dont go getting too worked up about it, im sure she will find out for herself in time (if u can do it w/o letting him find out it was u then even better)

[RightSaidNed]

I'm forced to agree with the 'Tell her' camp - don't be angry or emotional when you do it though, or he'll have ammo to try and discredit you as, I dunno, some woman he rejected dating - and I think you should do it for her, not for you or to punish him; she needs to know that he's not changed.

[Petit Papillon]

Hmm, dunno because if she's very much in love with him, she will probably belive in the Big Bullshit he will tell her. Love is blind, you know, you need very STRONG evidence to tell her.
I was being told, also by the girl with whom my ex cheated on me. Damb, I even saw her naked photos with a bottle in her ass on his mail and still I was beliving him that she's just some psycho that stalks him and he doesn't even know her... Those red lights were exploading from redness , I saw evidences every single day and still choose not to belive in it.
You can tell her, if she doesn't belive you now, she will eventually realise that he's a cheating scum.
But if you do have strong evidences, create a new e-mail adress and send her e-mail with this.Tell her that she can belive you or not, is her choice, you did your job and ask her to do tests for STD's ... Well, you should do some as well, IMO. <- Wait, did you have sex together or not?

[cmacattack1]

I want to say that it's none of your business what he does, and that she will eventually find out on his own. It's that Tiger Woods complex, as long as you continue to get away with it and face no repercussions for your actions, the longer he will continue to do it. Most people are too caught up in the moment to realize and "change" because they are getting everything they could possibly want. And it's still not enough.

At the same time I feel like she should know because it's wasting her time to continue her time and effort for this only to be let down later. She could side with you and you guys could bond over this asshole, or she could just completely disregard it. You don't know her do you? Seeing as how he's done it before, she should be kind of suspecting it anyway. I'm with the side of telling her too. Regardless of how it works out, you tried. You don't care what this guy thinks right?

I found the part where she warns him not to cheat again amusing. I could just picture her scolding him like a child saying "Don't you do that again, or you will get time out!" It gives guys a bad name because they actually do change, but not if they get many chances.

[tropigal82]

Interesting answers guys, thanks. I am gonna think about it a while.

> cmacatttock1 - yes I understand where u are comin from. On the one hand it's tempting to leave it to 'fate' and see karma unravel at its own pace. But another part of me feels sorry for her... she is totally oblivious to his dishonesty. Personally I would have been much happier if someone had told me 3 or 4 months ago that he was lying to me at least then I would not have wasted so much time and energy over him. You are right, I don't care what he thinks of me, he messed me around and he has messed her around, even though he still wants to be 'friends' with me I don't think I could, knowing what he has done and how dishonest he is.

Also we are not kids anymore. This other girl is the same age as me and we are nearly 30 - there's no time for hanging around for karma when our biological clocks are ticking!

This is a real horrible situation... but if I don;t tell her, maybe she will marry him and have kids, and then 5 or 10 years down the line find out he's been cheating on her any times throughout the relationship. If I was about to get serious with a guy I would DEFINITELY want to know if there are other women he has been seeing 'on the side'.

[vashti]

Yes, but she already KNOWS he does this.

I'd stay out of it.