Is it worth it?

[Anonymous316]

Dear Women,

Me and my gf have a great connection and love each other very much. We share the same long-term goals and enjoy each others company very much. I have never had so much respect for a SO before.

Problem is she will only have sex with me when she is in the mood. This is about once a week if I'm lucky. She comes to visit me about once every other week. Last time she came up and visited me (last weekend) we didnt have sex because she was sleepy. She can't visit me more because she has dogs that need attention. I visit her much more frequently so she doesn't have to worry about her dogs not being attended to. When I'm at her house we are never alone. I like to have sex w/o worrying about her mom hearing us so when we do make love at her house its very quiet. Her mom respects our privacy but her dogs bark incessantly if we try and make love. So at her house if we do make love she has to gate off the dogs downstairs before we do anything. Very unspontaneous. According to her these dogs must sleep in her room to let her know if they have to use the bathroom so making love at night is pretty much a no go because the dogs would be loud and probably wake up her mom.

If I try and take the initiative the few times we have alone time she says she feels like thats my way of me telling her she has to have sex with me and is turned off. We got a suite in Rehobeth DE for a family function and we had sex one time that night. The next morning I was in the mood and tried to get close to her. She responded with "gross why are you rubbing that against me?" I have tried different ways to get her in the mood but nothings ever worked. When I ask her why she tells me she doesn't feel like I should have to do anything because I want her to. And to her me coming on to her is just that. She says it makes her feel like I am forcing her to have sex with me.

I'm used to having much more sex than this whether I am in a relationship or not. Never been this sexually frustrated in my life. I know I have a great woman but its obvious we are not sexually in sync. We talk about our future together but I cant imagine being in a monogamous relationship for the rest of my life with someone with little to know sex drive or desire to take care of mine. She says when I talk about this problem we have she thinks the only reason I'm with her is for the ass. But I tell her how could she think that when in this relationship I'm having less sex than ever. I was dating about 10 women at the same time. They all knew we weren't committed but when I met my gf I dropped all of them fast.

My girlfriend had sex with me twice on our first date, but since the first month its gone downhill. I don't understand how a woman could be more in the mood after one night. She even said at first she thought I was just a player. So she feels more in the mood to have sex with a player than a man who has committed to her and has taken big steps to include her in my life?

Women please help I need to know what you think.

[OneQuestion]

"gross why are you rubbing that against me?"

She says when I talk about this problem we have she thinks the only reason I'm with her is for the ass.

It doesn't sound like she is into having sex or ready to have sex as much as you are... and being that you and her live with your parents, I'd assume you are still fairly young.

You already had sex in the past, but perhaps she regrets it, and just keeps doing it every once in a while to please you and not lose you.

[OneQuestion]

I was dating about 10 women at the same time. They all knew we weren't committed but when I met my gf I dropped all of them fast.

horrible... I'm sure you are exagerating, however, that is sick. And you were F'in them WHEN YOU MET your new GF? But after you had sex with your GF(on the first night as you said) then you stopped having sex with them... Doesn't seem like a good chain of events.

[OneQuestion]

She even said at first she thought I was just a player.

Maybe she only got with you to have sex with you, and doesn't really like you all that much but feels stuck now?

[Anonymous316]

I'm 27 and I have my own place. She is 25 and lives with her mom. I was dating several women but knew there was no potential. We would just have fun together NSA. But I met my current gf and we talked on the phone for a couple weeks before our first date and it went so well and I saw potential so for this new relationship to grow I figured it would be best to cut all relations with anyone else I was talking to. The only reason I was talking to these other women was because there was no one in my life worth actually trying to cultivate a relationship with, but of course I still wanted to have sex.

[OneQuestion]

I don't understand how people have sex with others that they KNOW they don't want to be with... I just don't get it... There must be a gene or something, a mutation in our DNA, that people are getting... I must not have it...

Anyways, back to your problem! Well, it is a little different, as I thought you were like 17. So she def is ready for sex(if she wants to have it with her partner). It sounds like she is very sexually inhibited, but why...... Does she know about your sexcapades? Perhaps that bothers her some, or she feels she isn't as good as those other girls. Maybe this is causing her to feel insecure which can be a mood killer.

There is always more sex in the beginning of a relationship... I'm just sorry yours only lasted a month. Me and my girl had sex 7 to 10 times a week for over 2 years... and still have sex at least 3 times a week usually more.

There is obvoiusly SOMETHING wrong... from your post, I don't know what it is... Either she just has a very low sex drive, or there is some other reason she isn't very sexual. It could come from all sorts of things, problems in her past family life, or love life, etc... Maybe she was abused as a child... who knows. Or maybe it is none of those... maybe she just doesn't feel like she can be with you forever and is trying to figure things out.

(guys, do you see how the FIRST LOVE can be a great thing... perhaps this girls/guys PAST is what is causing her HANGUPS now)

[Anonymous316]

she definitely has told me aout abusive relationships in her past. she says shes scared of relationships that are based too much on the physical side of things but keep in mind she was the one who initiated sex on the first night. I've never dated anyone who I can talk to the way we talk. We can hang out all day and joke around and have fun. I don't feel like it's my responsibility to fix her and I wish I knew about these hang ups before we got so serious. I'm torn between trying to work out problems or giving up on her because of her abusive past which the thought of makes me feel bad. How do I know if things will ever get better? I'm used to being spoiled by my girlfriends in everyway and I'm used to spoiling my woman as much as possible. I don't have any other gear really. When I commit to someone I commit fully. Anything she wants I'll do. I just don't know how to treat someone who doesn't take relationships the same way. I've been so spoiled in my past I don't know how to be happy with someone who doesn't make my sexual satisfaction a priority. But no one I've been with in my past has passed the test when it comes to personality and connection on a mental level like my current gf. So I don't know if I can give that up for sex. Feels shallow, but at the same time this doesn't feel right either.

[OneQuestion]

she definitely has told me aout abusive relationships in her past. she says shes scared of relationships that are based too much on the physical side of things but keep in mind she was the one who initiated sex on the first night. I've never dated anyone who I can talk to the way we talk. We can hang out all day and joke around and have fun. I don't feel like it's my responsibility to fix her and I wish I knew about these hang ups before we got so serious. I'm torn between trying to work out problems or giving up on her because of her abusive past which the thought of makes me feel bad. How do I know if things will ever get better? I'm used to being spoiled by my girlfriends in everyway and I'm used to spoiling my woman as much as possible. I don't have any other gear really. When I commit to someone I commit fully. Anything she wants I'll do. I just don't know how to treat someone who doesn't take relationships the same way. I've been so spoiled in my past I don't know how to be happy with someone who doesn't make my sexual satisfaction a priority. But no one I've been with in my past has passed the test when it comes to personality and connection on a mental level like my current gf. So I don't know if I can give that up for sex. Feels shallow, but at the same time this doesn't feel right either.

See what I am saying guys?

Ok... so she had bad prevoius relationships... This CAN heal over time... but you will have to be there and be VERY PATIENT. A therapist might help as well for her, you, both of you. It is obvoius you really care for her, and I think she really cares for you as well... It is these PAST experiences that are messing up her CURRENT love life... You can leave, and find someone new, but like you said, you have a connection with her unlike any other you have had before... so it may be worth staying around. I don't really have any real advice though, as in, ways to get her to be more sexual... I think it is more she has to work out her past problems, and like I said, a therapist could perhaps help this happen more quickly than without.

I hope some people who have been so judgemental of my ideas read this post... and see that what I have said is correct, that past relationships can screw up current ones. If this girl hadn't had sex before she met him, none of these problems would exist.

[Anonymous316]

I definitely told her I would be willing to try some type of counseling. I've told her I can't deal with the fact that she's scared I'm going to hit her or that she always thinks I'm going to cheat on her or that she thinks all I want is ass. I don't know how to accept these things even though she tells me that the right person will accept her just the way she is. I don't know how to move forward with someone who feels like they can't trust me. I feel like I'm on a uphill battle trying to prove to her that I really love her. I've been wronged before but I give her the benefit of the doubt which she can't seem to do. She expects me to treat her just like everyone else has. This is hard for me to deal with because I've never done anything wrong to her. I think therapy and time are the only things that are going to help our relationship and our sex life but I don't know what I'm really getting into. So high maintenance and no guarantee that anything will ever get better. She adamantly thinks she will always be this way and the right person for her will accept her the way she is. ????

[OneQuestion]

I definitely told her I would be willing to try some type of counseling. I've told her I can't deal with the fact that she's scared I'm going to hit her or that she always thinks I'm going to cheat on her or that she thinks all I want is ass. I don't know how to accept these things even though she tells me that the right person will accept her just the way she is. I don't know how to move forward with someone who feels like they can't trust me. I feel like I'm on a uphill battle trying to prove to her that I really love her. I've been wronged before but I give her the benefit of the doubt which she can't seem to do. She expects me to treat her just like everyone else has. This is hard for me to deal with because I've never done anything wrong to her. I think therapy and time are the only things that are going to help our relationship and our sex life but I don't know what I'm really getting into. So high maintenance and no guarantee that anything will ever get better. She adamantly thinks she will always be this way and the right person for her will accept her the way she is. ????

This is hard... Her saying that... "The right person will accept her this way"... Well... if she wants a guy with NO sex drive that never wants to have sex with her... Maybe you should ask her... 'is that what you really want, a relationship/life with sex only 2 times a month, where the guy never wants sex?' Wouldn't be very fun... both the partners would feel unloved and ugly because their SO isn't doing anything to please them... would be HORRIBLE... It seems like she is stuck in a depression, and you are stuck there with her. She needs help. Again, much patience would be needed on your part. There is a good chance it will improve over time, but it may never be enough for you. It seems you may just be sexually incompatible with this girl.

I'd say for now, try to go to counseling. See how that goes for a few sessions, then decide where you want to go from there.

She has huge problems thinking you are going to hit her. As for you cheating on her... I can see why she worries about that, as you did have those sexcapades before her, but that is how the world is today, and she wasn't pure either, so as long as you two are faithful, she should see that over time.

[1337lizard]

Let me tell you how this is gonna go. You're going to become more and more frustrated sexually, she's going to continue saying and doing things that frustrate you, your frustration in the bedroom will cause arguments in other parts of the relationship and then the end game will come into play and you two will break up. It's not an uncommon chain of events.

Get into some sex therapy with her. She needs to open up to the problem and be more honest about what you can do to get her in the mood or about what's stopping her. If she doesn't do that then I can see things falling apart for both of you.