Going to snap

[Gladius]

I have been dating my current g/f for 6 years. We got engaged about two years ago. Originally it was full of happiness, we constantly did things together, and it was something of a dream. I mean, many of our friends were even jealous of us. It was truly perfect. We didn't have our first fight until two years into our relationship. I know this might be hard to believe for some but it's true. We didn't have a single spat. We clicked that well. From there we argued quite a bit. This alarmed us at first but hey, lovers argue, even if ours was that late it's normal and it was never severe. Things were still great until about three years ago.

We started fighting extremely bad, over everything. She'd go through these phases. Super happy, excited, and fun to miserable and from miserable to angry. In the third phase, she would attack me for no reason, insult me, make me feel like trash. This would always last for three days, as odd as that sounds, these phases each lasted three days. When "Anger" phase ended she'd go back to super happy. I was starting to lose it from here and she felt terrible. She ended up on anti-depressants. Things went back to normal for awhile.

I moved in with her two years ago (yeah, due to financial problems we couldn't move in sooner). I thought everything was going great. We had a great sex life, I did everything I could for her, but she had these weird quirks. Example, she wouldn't let me do chores or cook. She claimed that I was "taking away her responsibilities." and she felt uncomfortable about me doing things for her. I didn't mind this much, less things I had to do, sounds great right? Still, I was always there for her. When she needed emotional support I'd rub her back and things were great.

Fast forward four months. She lost her sex drive completely. She no longer desired sex. We'd have sex maybe once every two weeks. This was frustrating but I thought it was maybe stress related. I brought it up but she'd get defensive about it so I decided I'd leave it be. This was followed by her no longer wanting to do anything fun. She no longer did things she enjoyed. She'd just do work, come home, and sleep. I was worried she was going to start the cycles back up again but it never went past that point. Other than that there wasn't much fighting between us and the fights were over trivial matters very small things.

We had sex and the next day I had heart related difficulties. While in the E.R. she decides this to be the perfect opportunity to tell me that she wanted us to separate for a little while. I go back home but she assured me she wasn't breaking up with me. I was still down and miserable. Became angry and resentful that she didn't wait for me to recover before laying this down on me. It turns out I had an atrial fibulation. When I go back to her place she immediately sent me packing back home. No, I couldn't wait a few days. I had to go "Now." She needed space and wouldn't tell me why. She just sat and cried.

When I got back home she told me she was breaking up with me. She wouldn't give me a reason why. I thought things were good except the weird issues. I wanted to know if it was something I did or it was a problem with me, she wouldn't tell me. She blocked my number and blocked me on msn/yahoo. Later she decides to tell me that it was because I was "lazy" and didn't do much around the house. How could I when she kept attacking me for trying? She brings up I didn't get a job. That would have been reasonable except for the fact that she lives in Canada and I in the U.S. When I crossed over they said I couldn't work right away.

I think it'd take a year or something before I could get a job. Either way I couldn't work. I pointed this out to her over the computer and told her that she was desperately trying to make me look like the bad guy and that there was no reason for our breakup. She insisted I was the bad guy and I felt terrible. Later, she messages me out of the blue wanting a relationship with me again. Saying the pills were making her this way etc. That she got off the anti-depressents and realized how unhappy she was with me. We ended up getting back together.

Things went back to the old days. We'd visit each other, sex life was good, not much fighting and.. now we're about to get married. However, red flags are being raised. She's no longer happy. She's miserable. She hates herself, she no longer wants to do the things she loves, she has no sex drive, she "Hates" herself because she's "hurting" me when the only way she's hurting me is by hating herself which tears me apart. No matter how hard I try I cannot make her happy nor can I make her smile. She refuses to do any suggestions I make, she won't see a therapist even if we go together, she won't go to a doctor or a psychiatrist, and she for some reason believes if we get married everything's going to be better.

I'm going to go crazy because I truly love her, I want to be with her, and I know all this makes her come off as "crazy" but she used to not be like this! We went years just fine. She just out of the blue started.. acting odd. I don't know how else to describe it. I want her to go back to the way she was before. When life was great. I can deal with fighting and stuff but I don't understand why she's so.. messed up. She also constantly freaks out thinking I'm going to leave her. When I suggest for her to get some help and that I'd go with her she freaks out about me leaving her. She refuses to take medicine under the premise that "She might leave" me again and destroy her own life.

I don't think she knows what she wants anymore. Is there any advice? I want to make this work, I want to help her, I want to make her happy but I can't! I've tried everything. From talking to her, just being there, comforting her, and when she attacks me for no reason, I take it and admit to being at fault even if I'm not (she later bashes herself for being abusive afterwards) and I just feel like crap. Is there something wrong with me? Am I failing as a lover? Am I not treating her right? I'm not someone who normally threatens himself but sometimes I feel like beating my head against the wall in sheer frustration. Seeing her bash herself so much is breaking my heart :\.

[peanut]

Thats so sad.
1st nothing is wrong with you.
Something must have happened that she isnt telling you that triggered her depression.
The anti depressant really can mess with you emotions.
maybe you should ask the doctor about the pills and the side effects and see if she can ge off of them then maybe you can talk to her about getting a different form of help for her depression.
i hope things work out with the both of you. you seem to love her a lot i wish you the best

[1337lizard]

Honestly, the girl is not stable enough to handle marriage or even a relationship. You've gotta lay down the law. Either she goes to therapy, with or without you, or you walk. Because if you don't get her some help things will end anyway, that much is clear.

Steel yourself. No matter what you do, this is going to be unpleasant.

[sienn]

sounds like she has got a mental condition ? depression ? imbalance of brain chemicals ? stress ? better get her to see a psychiatrist to get proper diagnosis. some people could be in denial so the loved ones gotta convince them to seek help.

[Gladius]

Thank you for the responses! I finally convinced her to see a psych (hurrah!) I hope things get better from here for the both of us. What gives me hope was that it wasn't always like this. So maybe things will get better.

[cmacattack1]

I'm very concerned because it seems you ignored many, many flags along the way. You guys fought terrible for a while, but things went to normal for a bit and then you moved in. That's when the quirks picked up, she was taking antidepressants, and her sex drive went away. She broke up with you later on.

Out of the blue, she wants to get back together. That should concern you too. Why out of nowhere would she want that? The answer is because she wants to take away the pain and loneliness SHE is feeling. Completely self motivated. And you are getting taken along for the ride.

Oh, and the reason she acts like this are the pills? Immature, not taking any responsibilities for her actions kind of behavior. She got off them and things went back to normal. And after all this you proposed to her? What prompted you to do this? I can't help but feel like part of the reason you did this was to assure her you wouldn't leave. I certainly hope not, that's a terrible thing

She needs to be on her own to really sort things out. When she always has you around, why does she need to changer herself, fix herself, and think about her issues? She isn't being honest with how she feels, she's being very passive aggressive and she is dragging you through the mud. I came to this conclusion because this is how I acted with my ex, and I was an immature, selfish, scared little kid in my relationship and all the problems that you have received from her I put onto my ex. Minus the calling her a terrible person but still, the fact remains. It took me getting dumped on my ass to realize what I was doing was ****ed up. And that was after months of emotional pity parties I was throwing myself. I had to take a look in the mirror, realize that I messed up, I needed some friends to point out to me what I was doing was not right, and I had to accept responsibilities for my actions.

In the fantasy bubble she is living in, where it's nice and cushy, you are letting her stagnate her , and this is why it's getting worse and worse. Not wanting to take suggestions or directions exhibits her stubborness and selfishness.

By all means, if she is doing therapy, maybe she will get a reality check from somebody. Do not put all your money and hopes on this though. If she doesn't want to become a better person, she won't.

[Kaius]

Don't get married. If you do, don't have kids.
You are well aware of where this is going. She is not gonna keep you happy.
She is a little disturbed maybe....and she may need help.
Be a good friend to her, but dont marry her.

[Mish]

We had sex and the next day I had heart related difficulties. While in the E.R. she decides this to be the perfect opportunity to tell me that she wanted us to separate for a little while. I go back home but she assured me she wasn't breaking up with me. I was still down and miserable. Became angry and resentful that she didn't wait for me to recover before laying this down on me. It turns out I had an atrial fibulation. When I go back to her place she immediately sent me packing back home. No, I couldn't wait a few days. I had to go "Now." She needed space and wouldn't tell me why. She just sat and cried.

When I got back home she told me she was breaking up with me. She wouldn't give me a reason why.

Honestly, I think your relationship with her had officially ended at this stage^ Everything that happened after that was continuation of a separation which will finalize some time in the future. How quickly that finalization occurs is up to you, personally I would prefer sooner rather than later.

[Teddy057]

It almost sounds like she is pissed at herself for missing out on something in life, and blames you for it.

[xxazurexx]

Don't get married. If you do, don't have kids.

Agreed......