Choosing sucks

[the_robot]

Hi,
About a year and a half ago, I met a girl online and we started chatting, and I ended up being "more than friends" with her. We never defined what it was, and she is crazy and has a boyfriend, so I thought I was like a really good friend, even though I love her and she says the same about me, I don't see how any real relationship would work considering she has a boyfriend she loves more and some of her crazyness.

At the beginning I thought she was like the girl in my dreams, but after a year, I found out there's holes she can't fill, like.. she is not really the kind of person who gives you support when you are down (usually) or the jokes I find funny she finds stupid and gets upset because I like them.

So, in the middle of an argument like 4 months ago, she told me I was like "someone she would get married to" because "our relationship is not sexual". This makes me think that if I accepted what she wants I'd end up dying virgin and that because of what I said before, I don't think I'd be 100% happy with her.

Yesterday we had another argument because she asked me what I want with her, and I told her that I wanted to be good friends like I consider we are, but that if I found my "dream girl" I'd like to be with her as a girlfriend (keeping our relationship the same way). Even though I kinda knew it would happen, it still surprised me how pissed she got, to the point that she said she wasn't going to talk to me ever again, I fixed it, but I'm still with an argument with myself. She didn't calm down until she said that if I were to have a girl other than her, that girl would have to be "hers" before being mine, and be loyal to her, but I know it's not a thought she likes either.

Basically she is making me choose between a dream that most probably doesn't exist, and even if it existed I'd have real trouble getting a girl like that or being with her keeping my virginity until the day I die and probably not being happy.

I feel like I need to talk this out, but I have no one I really trust to talk about this kind of stuff except her, and I obviously can't talk to her about this, so I thought the internet anonymity could be useful.

[Doc Durian]

She's got a man but you can't have a gal until she approves said gal?

Tell her to suck your elongated bit.

She can't have it both ways.

She either joins you in a romantic relationship or leaves you be in order for you to secure a happy situation.

Tell her to jump or keep her mouth shut.

[Petit Papillon]

Is your so called 'gf' mentally challenged? For me she looks like the word that starts with p... Then s... ends with o. Guess what I was thinking about.

[the_robot]

The thing is she was with that guy for about a year before we met, so I'm like the "lover" and she has always made it clear that if she had to choose between him and me, I loose.

Also, even though I've always been kinda romantic, I've never had feelings for anyone before her, I don't love my family and I'm closer to hating them than loving them, I've hold some friends in high esteem, but none to the point I'd actually feel hurt if something went wrong with them, etc. But with her I actually feel like loosing her would be hell for me.. I don't want that to happen even if the treat she is offering is unfair.

[the_robot]

@Petit Papillon Yeah, she is pretty much a psycho, and she doesn't hide it...

[Doc Durian]

The thing is she was with that guy for about a year before we met, so I'm like the "lover" and she has always made it clear that if she had to choose between him and me, I loose.

Also, even though I've always been kinda romantic, I've never had feelings for anyone before her, I don't love my family and I'm closer to hating them than loving them, I've hold some friends in high esteem, but none to the point I'd actually feel hurt if something went wrong with them, etc. But with her I actually feel like loosing her would be hell for me.. I don't want that to happen even if the treat she is offering is unfair.

Man up, love your family and friends, and turf this attention whore who treats you like a backdoor boy.

[the_robot]

Thanks Doc Durian.

I'm going to make her choose between accepting my part of the deal and me, I suppose she won't accept it and whatever we have is over, but if for any reason she did I'd not loose anything.

[RightSaidNed]

I agree with the Doc, and will add further than she sounds like she's using you...for what, I'm not sure - maybe she's not getting the attention she wants from her BF or maybe she's an insane controlling attention whore, but it seems to me that if she has a boyfriend, its none of her business if you date someone - obviously, she can express concern about the woman you choose to date, but really, she needs to make up her damn mind about you. And "I can marry you because its not sexual"?! What the hell - if married couples didn't have sex, I'd imagine we'd be in the middle of a chronic population crisis.

[the_robot]

I agree with the Doc, and will add further than she sounds like she's using you...for what, I'm not sure - maybe she's not getting the attention she wants from her BF or maybe she's an insane controlling attention whore, but it seems to me that if she has a boyfriend, its none of her business if you date someone - obviously, she can express concern about the woman you choose to date, but really, she needs to make up her damn mind about you. And "I can marry you because its not sexual"?! What the hell - if married couples didn't have sex, I'd imagine we'd be in the middle of a chronic population crisis.

I don't really think she is using me, but she is extremely possessive and wants to control as much as she can. I see the point of not getting enough attention from his boyfriend and it's probably true, because she got a bit depressed because she only got to talk to him for 10 minutes/day last month...

About the marriage, according to her theory, men get lazy (at sex) when they get married. She actually told me she didn't want to get married because of that about two months after we met, so when she told me she was willing to marry me I got shocked. Basically what I think she has in mind is marrying me so "I'm hers" and has attention she wants, and keeping his boyfriend so she has sex and "true love".
It's all very weird to me, and I hope she'd accept what actually makes sense to me, being good friends and me having a girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure she won't accept it. I really don't get what her problem is with me having a girlfriend, I tell her that I'd give her the same attention I do now and will be just as loyal to her, and I think it would be good for us because I'd be able to share some stuff that make her upset or I can't share with her with the girlfriend, but she just doesn't want it and she says she would hate the other woman if I had it... which would end up bad, she is a real psycho.

[starbuck]

Robot, let this girl go. All this crazy is a bad influence on your life. All this girl has done is yank your chain around and you let her.

Tell her you need to move on. Cut contact with her. Find a girl to date who is not crazy. End of story.

[LailaK]

She is stupid. She has a boyfriend, you are not her man, and you can do whatever the f*** you want to do. Tell her that, and if she can't accept it ditch her and count yourself lucky to have gotten some crazy out of your life.

[the_robot]

Robot, let this girl go. All this crazy is a bad influence on your life. All this girl has done is yank your chain around and you let her.

Tell her you need to move on. Cut contact with her. Find a girl to date who is not crazy. End of story.

Moving on is not so easy for me, I'm looking for an ideal I don't even think exists and if I don't find it and loose my best friend in the process, I fear I'll end up alone my whole life.. It's not like I make friends easily, all the friends I have are people who came to me for one reason or another, so something more than friends is kind of out of my league.

That and the fact that I love her (she is not that bad, she is just possessive and crazy) is why I want to give her a chance to accept the reasonable deal, even though I've thought a few times I should just move on like you say.

[starbuck]

The more I read of your posts, Robot. The more I feel like some work on your self esteem could help you immensely with this situation and others.

No self-respecting person would let so much emotional blackmail into his or her life. Friend or not.

[the_robot]

The more I read of your posts, Robot. The more I feel like some work on your self esteem could help you immensely with this situation and others.

No self-respecting person would let so much emotional blackmail into his or her life. Friend or not.

Yeah, I don't really know what's up with my self esteem, if I analyze myself from third person perspective I find that I'm pretty successful, but in my own head I feel like I'm never good enough for anything.. this girl thinks I have some kind of disease...

You really think this is blackmailing? I mean, yeah she shouldn't be making me choose between her or having girlfriend, but I think she is just afraid of loosing me (or my attention) if I got a girlfriend... from our last argument, she told if I had a girlfriend she'd always want to be "#1" and that would mean trouble, but I think I could them both proper attention... specially because she'll have her boyfriend too.

[starbuck]

Yep, it's total emotional blackmail. You shouldn't take her fear of losing your attention as any indication that this girl really cares about you. If she really gave a damn about you, she'd be happy for you if you got a new girlfriend.

Something tells me you're not the only guy that she has relationships with on the side. This girl is addicted to attention. I wouldn't be surprised.

If you cut this woman out of your life, you can stop living this lie of a relationship and get a real girlfriend. I'm not seeing the downside to this plan.