Left my wife... don't want to regret it for the rest of my life.

[sookie6]

I appreciate everyone's responses. Just taking the time to type out a response to someone you don't know is a nice thing, and I do reflect on all that you've said. And I doubt that what I have to say really changed things, but I did want to point out... particularly to vashiti who said, "You didn't give her anything but trouble, and I doubt very seriously she will ever be able to get over you dumping her and taking up with some 20 year old kid."

We were married for 10 years. She is from Germany, and when I met her while on a study abroad,she was in college too. We fell so in love, I dropped out of my University, and just moved to Germany. I learned German from scratch, got a job, and stayed there for 5 years while she finished her degree. During that time she had the worst college experience I've ever seen. She is such a stressful individual. Very hard on herself. I held her hand through her entire masters thesis. I typed and retyped draft after draft of it for her. We traveled the world together. She had a lot of abuse as a child, and she told me that I was the only man with a kind enough soul to help her turn something (sex) that she had built in her head to be so bad, into something so kind, gentle and loving.

She really lost her mind a lot, with stress, and I was always there to bring her down and love her. We NEVER went to bed angry. We didn't argue much at all; we really had a fantastic relationship. And even when we did argue, we made sure that when our heads hit the pillow, one of us always turned to the other and we talked it all out. Always. Her entire family used to tell me everytime I'd see them that I am so good for her because I keep her grounded, and I have helped her through such rough times.

And when I left her, it was literally just a perfect storm of bullshit. I had just turned 30 years old. I was very unhappy with my job. She was very unhappy with her job as well. She was working two jobs, because she wanted to gain some experience as a writer. But she is SO hard on herself that for 2 years she tried to write for this magazine, and I was proofreading articles everyday after work, sometimes into the early morning hours. And she was just so frustrated all the time. I kind of panicked, because I was 30 and I suddenly felt really old, and on top of that, all this help I was giving my wife, and had been since we met started to smother me. And I had switched to eating a 100% vegan raw foods diet, because I had heard it makes you feel good. Well it makes you feel GREAT!!! You wake up every day as if it's Saturday and you are 10 years old.
So here I was, running around on an absolute adrenaline high all day. I had lost weight because of the diet, and was looking the best I ever had. Everyone at work and my friends were all like, Wow, you look fantastic! Everything was so surreal. And it seemed like the more happy, and on fire I felt, the more depressed and desperate my wife got. She started snapping at me about everything. She was just so annoyed by everything I did. It got to be for the last month, that I'd drive past out house and ride around after work just listening to the Radio to keep from going home. I finally DEMANDED that we get marriage counseling, but she didn't want to go. But I finally just broke down and begged her to go. And she did. And at the counselor is when I realized how angry I was at her etc. But I was still on this high, and just out of desperation I asked a friend at work if I could move in, and I did.

I honestly only intended it to be a break. I wasn't "leaving my wife". My wife even helped me pack up the truck as I was leaving. It wasn't that big of a deal. I DID NOT LEAVE MY WIFE FOR A 20 YEAR OLD GIRL!!! It was only a month later that I met her. And that relationship should have never happened. But like I said, I literally was just momentarily crazy. I was feeling old and unappreciated. I was on a high from this new lifestyle. I looked great, felt great, and this new girl laughed at every word I said and made me feel great. I had been with my wife since I was 20 years old, so I wasn't experienced enough to just know that it was ridiculous for me to go for it. So, I just did it.

I wish everyday that I could take it back. Everyday. I would NEVER do anything like that again. I was strong for her for 10 years, where a lot of men would have been fed up years ago. I don't know. I guess you all are right. I guess I have just lost her. Obviously it doesn't matter how good you were for the 10 years leading up to a big mistake. Once you've made the mistake, you've made it, and it can't be taken back or repaired. This is just the harsh cold reality of life I guess. I just curse God that I had to learn this hard lesson in this way.

Not at all Pisces. reading your post I feel that you have really worked on the relationship. And yes it's amazinw how many years of devotion can be wiped out by a silly fling.

In spite of your evident love for your wife I get the impression that this relationship left you damaged. I mean, even during the relationship you were put under a lot of stress.

I think you should take this time to also refocus on yourself and realise 2 things:

-that it's time to get control back on your life. That is to be happy with or without her.

-that you are very young. If you are not meant to be together, who is to say that at some point tomorrow or in a few years time you will meet someone who will make you happy.

I understand your difficulty to move on as the divorce has not been filed and also she seems to have been your first love. You need closure.

[pisces7378]

Oh I have tried. I have "dated" 14 women in the past 2 years. Now, by "dated", I mean mostly 1 or 2 dates. I am 32 years old in a college town with 39,000 students all ages 18-23. I am an OLD MAN in this town. Most people here who are 30+ are burnt out divorcees who hate men or have at least been shattered by one. Or they have issues coming out of their ears.

I'm DEFINITELY not saying that I am perfect. OBVIOUSLY I have made my mistakes. But I have survived with my soul intact. I'd say that 10 of the 14 women I went out with spent the better part of our 1st date talking about their ex-boyfriends or exhusbands. One even started crying about it.

I've had some fun. My life's not all bad. In fact, I am mostly doing well. I just know that my heart is completely still attached to my wife. Not because I feel guilty, or because I messed up, or feel like I have unfinished business. I feel that way because she is my best friend. I never meant to leave her the way I did, and I feel like all of this is a dream. I miss her voice still. I miss the way she could barely cook, and burned things and how sweet she looked when she was trying to explain why. I just miss her so much.

[sookie6]

Listen I am on the same boat as you. I'm in my 30s. The best things I can remember about men are linked to my ex.

I have met men in the past few years, been disappointed. Haven't felt the sparkle that makes your heart melt and makes you want to smile and believe in a happy future again.

But still over time I feel much better than right after the break-up.

It's tough to move on when you haven't met someone as significant as your ex.

Keep fighting for her but also try to not keep your hopes to high.

There is a beautiful future out there for you too. It's far too early to give up.

Build up a new life for yourself, hobbies, frriends, travels, work...


Things have a funny way to sorth themselves out.

Sometimes some alone time is needed before you bounce back into a relationship again.

[pisces7378]

Sookie...

Thanks. I think you see this pretty clearly. Clearer than I do. You are probably right. I know that she isn't the only woman in the world, and that enough stuff has been stapled to our relationship to where it will never be the same. I guess I was just hoping that we would both go our separate ways for a while. Learn a lot about life, ourselves, and the way the world works, but then settle back down together, with a new relationship that is more even, balanced, and good for us both, instead of it being me propping her up the whole time.

But to odds of that happening, are slim, and even if this guy goes away at some point, I have to imagine that there is already two or three guys up there where she lives who would be swooping in like buzzards. So, I am really at the worst of disadvantages. Oh well... like I said, 7 out of 10 days I am fine. But on those three days where I am not fine, I REALLY miss her. She isn't my first love, but she is definitely the most compatible person in the world for me. She is my baby, and I miss everything about her. Even the things she did that were "wrong" were quite often cute to me.

Jesus, if I ever have a son, I am going to sit his ass down at around age 12 and make sure he realizes how important his decisions can be when it comes to the hearts of others.

[pisces7378]

Sookie, I tried to send you a PM to thank you for being so insightful and kind, but your PM inbox is too full, and the site won't let me send you anything until you clean it out. Just wanted to let you know.

Oh and seriously, thanks for the advice.

[Gigabitch]

Even if your wife took you back, you should regret doing what you did for the rest of your days. It's regrettable. It's not something you can ever undo, and it would forever affect the relation you would have with her.

I think you should let her try to be happy with someone who hasn't done to her what you did and stop trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

[pisces7378]

Even if your wife took you back, you should regret doing what you did for the rest of your days. It's regrettable. It's not something you can ever undo, and it would forever affect the relation you would have with her.

I think you should let her try to be happy with someone who hasn't done to her what you did and stop trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Alright... now that I have vocalized heavily how bad I feel about the situation and how much responsibility I accept for the actions I committed, I must let my feet come back into contact with terra firma and stand up for myself.

I didn't cheat on my wife. I didn't lie to her. I didn't betray her. I made an error in judgment in leaving her when I wasn't really ready to actually leave her; kind of like leaving her to "teach her a lesson". And I take full responsibility for the faulty thinking behind that. But what I did was leave my wife, and then a month later start a new relationship. I hadn't even met the girl until I had left my wife, so there was no "clandestine rendezvous" or shady thoughts of betrayal. I didn't leave my wife to be with someone else. I left her because I had supported her for 10 years, and received little support in return. So I thought at the time anyway.

I realize now that the "lack of support" I perceived, wasn't a character flaw on her part, or even a reality-based situation. It was my perception of things. Over the past 2 years I see so clearly now how I brought so much of that situation on myself. But at any rate, Gigabitch, I have to stand up for myself a little bit when I read your harsh remarks.

Would what I did effect my relationship with her for the rest of our days? Most definitely. But would that be a good thing? Absolutely. We were on a one way train to depression with the way we were living. Now, we have both been jolted back and given all kinds of perspective.

Would I ever interfere with her situation if she is happy and doing well? Hell no. That is why I am in strict No Contact with her. When I was in my stupid little relationship with my young girl after I left, my wife called me everyday, and every night; sometimes threatening to kill herself etc. And believe me, after 9 months of that, it totally destroyed my relationship with that young girl. She was worn to a bloody frazzle by the time we broke up. And I am 100% aware that if I wanted to, I could really show my ass, and call her everyday, and cry on the phone like she did. I could panic and drive the 10 hours to go and see her to try to get her back. I could find her new boyfriend on Facebook and bother him about screwing my wife. There is all kinds of things that a piece of s*&% guy would do. And it would work. Eventually it would work. They would break up. But do I want that? Not even in the slightest. I leave her alone, because I know she wants/needs to be left alone.

I am definitely not trying to "put Humpty Dumpty back together again." But if I am ever afforded the opportunity, I am going to do whatever I can to repair my marriage because it is that important to me. If everyone just tossed there hands up and said, "Oh well, I screwed that one up... better move on." then we'd all be in emotional black holes. I'm not going to interfere with her life, but I am going to be there if she needs/ever wants me there.

[Doc Durian]

Yeah, Pisces...what Giga said. Everybody knows that a girl can do those things and not be made to suffer for it for the rest of their lives.

Men have a separate standard.

We're scum, didn't you know. We're supposed to make mistakes and be berated for them because we're male.

[misombra]

a midlife crisis at 30?

i'm sorry to say that she'll probably not come back to you. getting over such a blow is very difficult-->impossible for most women. even if she did get back with you she would always remember how she felt when you did what you did. you didn't cheat, but what you did was brutal nonetheless.

now she's with a guy that knows wants to be with only her and not some younger girl. i say give her a divorce and let him have her and move on with your life, never to do such a fuk up again.

[Kaius]

I think it's best to file for divorce and start from scratch. All this hurt and disappointments will never heal between 2 people. Like when you try to solder a broken cable, it always breaks again at a location near point of repair. If the issues are still there, why bother? You are lucky there are no kids involved. You should be happy she is with a great guy....young and short, but perfect otherwise.

I left my wife just a few months ago, and met the woman of my dreams. Although I don't know what lies ahead, I am glad that I am happy and in love. I am finishing divorce papers this month. I was married for 12 years, and I'm 35 years old. I can kinda relate. I don't miss my ex so much because it was a bad marriage, and I am so in love right now. I think you need to find your mate so you can move on.

[cmacattack1]

That seems to be part of your motivation: you felt like you screwed up big time and you want to make it up to her. That was part of the reason why I was chasing my ex girlfriend and all it did was just push her to somebody else. Unfortunately, only time can really heal that and that is exactly what no contact is for: putting time and distance between the break up.

You have been a huge part of her life for ten years and feelings like that do not just go away. That's probably why she still wants to see you and says she misses you and all that. Unfortunately, for her, she has to choose what she wants to do and it is all based on how she feels. She has something comfortable right now and to leave that to give you a shot when you have already let her down it would be a big risk. You crushed her when you wanted to separate. It shattered her self esteem and confidence and put her in a weird position where she had to live life without you. Something she has known for a decade.

There isn't much you can really do, as trying to break them up would be for all the wrong reasons and would be another example of your selfishness. Their relationship is going to run it's course. It's up to you how long you want to wait for something that is guarenteed.

[Mish]

We were married for 10 years. She is from Germany, and when I met her while on a study abroad,she was in college too. We fell so in love, I dropped out of my University, and just moved to Germany. I learned German from scratch, got a job, and stayed there for 5 years while she finished her degree. During that time she had the worst college experience I've ever seen. She is such a stressful individual. Very hard on herself. I held her hand through her entire masters thesis. I typed and retyped draft after draft of it for her. We traveled the world together. She had a lot of abuse as a child, and she told me that I was the only man with a kind enough soul to help her turn something (sex) that she had built in her head to be so bad, into something so kind, gentle and loving.

She really lost her mind a lot, with stress, and I was always there to bring her down and love her. We NEVER went to bed angry. We didn't argue much at all; we really had a fantastic relationship. And even when we did argue, we made sure that when our heads hit the pillow, one of us always turned to the other and we talked it all out. Always. Her entire family used to tell me everytime I'd see them that I am so good for her because I keep her grounded, and I have helped her through such rough times.

So here I was, running around on an absolute adrenaline high all day. I had lost weight because of the diet, and was looking the best I ever had. Everyone at work and my friends were all like, Wow, you look fantastic! Everything was so surreal. And it seemed like the more happy, and on fire I felt, the more depressed and desperate my wife got. She started snapping at me about everything. She was just so annoyed by everything I did. It got to be for the last month, that I'd drive past out house and ride around after work just listening to the Radio to keep from going home. I finally DEMANDED that we get marriage counseling, but she didn't want to go. But I finally just broke down and begged her to go. And she did. And at the counselor is when I realized how angry I was at her etc. But I was still on this high, and just out of desperation I asked a friend at work if I could move in, and I did.

I wish everyday that I could take it back. Everyday. I would NEVER do anything like that again.

Why not? It does sound like you have a lot of resentment for her. You present her as a "stressful individual", who lost her mind with stress, depressed, desperate and annoyed by everything you do.

While you present yourself as a gentle soul, who always held her hand and was always there for her. Your story paints you as a great guy who did everything for his wife and her as a ball of chains cramping your style and holding you back. So based on that I see no reason why you would never do that to her again. It does sound, at least by the story you tell here like the two of you are completely incompatible as partners.

[pisces7378]

You know, I constantly have to remind myself that you guys' opinions are just that; your opinions. Each and every one of you are speaking from your own ideas and experiences, or from how you think you would feel, or how you assume women or men are. And I also know that there is a HUGE tendency for someone in my position to resent the negative remarks, because they hurt. It's the old "truth really hurts" paradigm. And maybe it is the truth. Okay... PROBABLY it is the truth. My relationship with my wife is probably over. I am sure that there are MILLIONS of guys out there who are feeling the same thing that I am feeling; thinking "Yeah, but my situation is different. We can make it. I'm sure of it. You guys just don't know us like I do." And 99% of those guys are full of it, and they fckued up their relationships and are now doomed to the obsessive tendencies of guilt.

And believe me, it literally takes my breath away to think about the day when she will call me and ask for a divorce. By the way, I begged and begged her for a divorce before. SHE was the one that wouldn't grant it. And I mean months and months after she started dating the new guy. Which all plays into my "false hope" for a reconciliation. She simply kept saying over and over again that she wouldn't divorce me because she still loved me, and she just couldn't swear on paper that we had "irreconcilable differences" when it wasn't true for her. That mixed with the way she talks to me in emails, plus her strong desire to have kids (and I just assume that the 27 year old guy doesn't... but what do I know?) All of that has caused me to just hang on to this very small, but very powerful kernel of hope that one day she will call, and we can at least talk, and see where things go.

Trust me, I wouldn't dream of getting back together with her without going through a battery of therapy together. I'd want at least a year of gradually feeling each other out. Mostly for her sake, and to prove my trustworthiness, but also, because I don't want to beg and pray for her to come back, and then find out that it was all some childish fantasy, and that we really aren't good together, and I leave again.

Basically, I am not really asking for my wife back. I know it seems so much like I am. What I am really asking for when I pray about this (and I've never really been a religious person), is just for the opportunity to have everything laid out on a level field, and have a chance to see, and hopefully reach closure one way or the other. I know I seem like the asshole in this whole thing, but believe me I may have crushed her all at once, but there was a lot of hurt on both sides in this relationship, but I am just simply not one of these ultra-modern, screw-it-let's-just-get-divorced kind of people.

My parents absolutely HATED each other for whole ten to fifteen year chunks of their marriage. My mom didn't sleep in the same room as my father for twenty years. And now, when I talk to my mom, she literally gets a tear in her eye when she says that she is so thankful to God that she didn't leave my dad. And that she doesn't know what she would do without him. And for me that is just how things are. My wife hurt me A LOT, over a very long period of time. And I hurt her A LOT with a very hurtful 6 month period. But I just do not accept that it is hopelessly damaged. I just don't. Maybe it's my Scotch/English blood, but I believe in family, and in forgiveness, and accepting your mistakes, and trying to move through them with a stiff upper lip. So, all this "Just get a divorce and move on..." business is for the birds. Because just how incredibly happy do you really think you will be with person #2, or #3, or #4? The more partners you take the less you feel. And if you disagree with me, then it's probably because you've had so many, you don't even remember what it feels like to have that special ONE person.

[sookie6]

Pisces

Whatever the outcome you need closure.

Even if it means driving 10 hours to hear that she wants to divorce, you will be able to move on from there.

Staying in this limbo is not good for you.

Separating with someone is pretty much like someone very close to you has passed away. If the death is not established you'll always dwell on and on.

Now, your wife and you need to DECIDE something so that you can get on with life and what it has to offer.

Closure is what you need.

[Gigabitch]

I'm not going to interfere with her life, but I am going to be there if she needs/ever wants me there.

Then all you can do is lay it out before her and ask. A lot of women wouldn't take you back. If she does, make sure she knows you will never leave her again.