Left my wife... don't want to regret it for the rest of my life.

[pisces7378]

I left my wife 2 years ago in a ridiculous period of early mid-life crisis. I turned 30, and three weeks later left my wife. Three weeks after that I started a relationship with a 20 year old girl. It was the dumbest mistake of my life. I ended it 6 months later.

Now, my wife lives 10 hours away and is with a new guy. The new guy is 27 and she is 34. They have been together for a little over a year now. I went into strict NC with my wife, after a year of talking on the phone, and trying to talk her into seeing how sorry I am a and how much I love her etc. (all ways to push her even further away, I now know).

We've been in NC for 6 months. I know that NC is the best policy. I am really getting myself together. Other than my love life, every point in my life is looking straight up. But I can't help buy miss my wife and want to do everything I can to repair our marriage. So my question to you guys is about NC.

My wife, back when we were talking on the phone was always on the fence about working things out with me. She even told me once that she was going to break up with her new boyfriend and let us repair our marriage. She chickened out that night, She honestly is the most emotionally confused girl in the world. She just wasn't sure, and she just didn't know what to do etc. And that was when I decided to go into NC. I couldn't put myself through that emotional ringer anymore.

And even now, when we DO communicate, it is always via email, and only when I email her about something important, taxes, life insurance etc. she ALWAYS says that she misses me and that no matter what I think, it is so important to her that I know that I am still in her heart.

So far, I have NEVER responded to any of that garbage. I just stay upbeat and to the point, about whatever financial thing I am emailing her about. Which leads me to now start questioning my NC. I don't want to wake up in 4 years, and she is married to this chump, and I realize that I could have maybe saved my marriage if I had just reached out to her a little. I have made so many mistakes, I just don't want to make an even bigger mistake, just because some website told me to not contact my wife.

[Krissykris]

Guess the saying " Don't know what cha got till it's gone" REALLY applies here.

[pisces7378]

Wow... Krissykriss. Thank you. I feel so much better now. I'm so glad I found this forum. I hope ten more people give an answer just like yours.

And to anyone who might post something like Krissykriss's Haiku masterpiece... Please ask yourself if you've ever made a huge mistake that you wish you could take back. Doesn't have to be in a relationship; something you said to your father before he died, a boyfriend in college that you left and just never called again which crushed him, the drunk kiss with your girlfriend's friend. Anything that you wish you could take back. Then multiply that helpless feeling times a thousand, and you might know how I feel. I'm not a dirt bag. I've never so much as looked at another woman while I was in a relationship with anyone. And up until my wife, I had never hurt anyone's feelings on any level near this.
I am moving on with my life, because A.) I have a fantastic therapist and B.) I have no other choice but to try to put myself back together. But just under the surface, I am so ashamed, guilty, and broken by what I've done. And if you feel like rubbing it in, just because you are on the internet and feel like you can say anything you want without any repercussions, then you aren't any better of a person than a guy who crushed his wife by leaving her.

[sookie6]

Can I ask:

Has the divorved been finalised? or are you still married on paper?

One thing you need to know about women...especially a woman who has been married (so she is used to long term).. our heart gets involved very quickly with a man we have sex with...so what maybe started as a rebound to you ex wife developed into a relationship whether she loves him more than you or not.

Even if she has feelings for you, you have two hurdles now:

- to make her forget you left for a younger girl

- the 27 year old man

What do you know about this man:

what does he do? What kind personality? do you think he loves her?

[pisces7378]

We are still married. No divorce ever filed.

He is apparently a great guy. Both of his parents are doctors. He went to a really fancy University. He works at the same place she does, and he earns a lot. He works in computers/internet design. He is well traveled (lived in China for some years). He is athletic, really into snowboarding, and the outdoors. He is also artistic, i.e. paints, designs websites, graphics design. He is really short though. Maybe even shorter than her.

I have never met him, so I don't know his personality. I know that he probably thinks he loves my wife very much. My wife is very easy to love. She's fantastic. I also know that he was involved in a very serious long term relationship with a girl (she even lived in China with him) for years, and they broke up less than 6 months before he met my wife.

I really think that he is a co-dependent person though. He must have some weakness of character, because for the first six months of their relationship she and I were talking on the phone almost everyday. She was very confused about whether to try to repair things with me or to just stay with him. She even got in the car and drove 10 hours to see me once, just to see how she would feel around me. And he sat there and put up with all of that without leaving her. I think that a strong "real man", one with self-esteem and pride would have been like, "Look girl. You get your situation all figured out and settled, and then give me a call, but I'm not going to sit her while you talk to your husband WHO YOU ARE STILL MARRIED TO, forever."

But he didn't do that. Instead he just stayed. Which I know may sound romantic and trustworthy and strong of him... but I honestly think that people who will go to such lengths just to have someone are actually not balanced, and it will eventually show up somewhere. Not to mention, he is 7 years younger than her. She has been talking about having children for the past few years before I even left her. When she starts to look older, don't you think he is going to want to be with some young cute girl? And then he will leave her.

I know it is a cliche, and most men who say this don't really mean it... but I swear, if she is happier with him than she would be with me, then I would not interfere with her at all. It would be the loss of my life, but it would be my fault, and I would just have to accept it and move on. But there is just so much about her situation that makes me think that she is going to get hurt in all this. I mean, maybe not. Maybe the kid is a mature 27 year old, and maybe he is ready to have kids, or maybe she is willing to not have kids all of the sudden. Hell, I can't see inside either one of them. All I can do is work on myself.

I started this thread because I don't know if I should just be 100% respecting her new life and leaving her alone, or if I should be trying to fight for my wife back. I just don't know. I don't have a lot of experience with women. I met my wife when I was 20 years old, and she was the only woman I was with for 10 years. So, I basically became an adult with her. And I thought I knew our relationship. I thought I knew her. But today, I can honestly say that you just never know anyone. NOTHING is solid. I ruined everything, and I would be so thankful to anyone who can help me fix things.

[Raverboy808]

personally i don't see the deal with breaking the no contact rule. you:ve both gotten over the fact that you were in a marriage, and were seperated for a while. so why not mend things before shit really hits the fan.

raverboy

[sookie6]

He seems to be a great guy. He was in a long term relationship before so he knows what long term means.

He has a great career and works at the same place. Therefore he gets to spend a lot of time with her.

The age difference is no such big deal at these particular ages (27-34). And age is just a silly marker sometimes/
There are people who are in their 40s and who never grew up. Whereas there are young people who are mature very early.

My sister has exaclty the same age gap with her partner. They just had a baby. I would not rely on your gfriend necesarily looking the oldest in a few years time as this is not the case in all relationships. In fact my sister looks and will always look younger than her bfriend (as he has this kinda settled mature looks...).

Anyway all this plus the fact that he was waiting for her when she was sorting herself out to me is proof of stability.

The guy is not gonna go and hit the town after another girl just because she is confused or he knows that she is spending time with you. In a woman's heart: a very important sign of love...

We live in a world where it is so easy to switch at the first hurdle that really I would not look at his attitude as passive or weak but more as mature and constant.

Now. The silver lining here is the fact that you are still married. So she is not rushing into sorting our divorce papers...

Hopefully she still cares for you but to what extent?

About NC: I think it can work for some people but in the situation where there is mariage to save, maintaining a mature level of communication is very important.

You have been too long in this undefined situation. You should take sometimes to talk the issue once and for all. So you should organise a visit to her.

I am impressed she drove 10 hours to see you and not the other way round. So this time you need to make all the efforts to go and see her.

At the end of this conversation, tell her you need a definite answer about these divorce papers. And you'll be able to move on from there, with or without her.




I am not trying to make you loose hope. Just telling you you have a strong contender here.

[vashti]

Sorry to sound harsh, but you had your chance, and you blew it. It looks like she is trying to move on, and it sounds like she has hooked up with a decent guy. Why don't you just leave her alone?

Loving someone is not about what you can get from them, it about what you can give them. You didn't give her anything but trouble, and I doubt very seriously she will ever be able to get over you dumping her and taking up with some 20 year old kid. Give her the chance to start over with someone who hasn't given her such great obstacles to overcome.

And BTW - you are a much bigger risk of leaving her for someone younger and cuter than the guy she is dating is.... after all, you've already done it once, and he hasn't.

[ladr]

Truthfully she PROBALY doesn't trust you.

[starbuck]

Your wife is obviously still not over the hurt and humiliation you caused her, and she may never fully get to that place. It really depends on her capacity to forgive and as she's with someone new, why should she forgive you? She's moving on.

Be careful here. I realize you miss your wife, but do you feel like you want to get back together out of a sense of "righting a wrong?" or out of guilt. Consider that even if you do get back together, your dynamic is never going to be the same. Maybe you both could use a fresh start.

Incidentally, what does your therapist say?

[pisces7378]

I appreciate everyone's responses. Just taking the time to type out a response to someone you don't know is a nice thing, and I do reflect on all that you've said. And I doubt that what I have to say really changed things, but I did want to point out... particularly to vashiti who said, "You didn't give her anything but trouble, and I doubt very seriously she will ever be able to get over you dumping her and taking up with some 20 year old kid."

We were married for 10 years. She is from Germany, and when I met her while on a study abroad,she was in college too. We fell so in love, I dropped out of my University, and just moved to Germany. I learned German from scratch, got a job, and stayed there for 5 years while she finished her degree. During that time she had the worst college experience I've ever seen. She is such a stressful individual. Very hard on herself. I held her hand through her entire masters thesis. I typed and retyped draft after draft of it for her. We traveled the world together. She had a lot of abuse as a child, and she told me that I was the only man with a kind enough soul to help her turn something (sex) that she had built in her head to be so bad, into something so kind, gentle and loving.

She really lost her mind a lot, with stress, and I was always there to bring her down and love her. We NEVER went to bed angry. We didn't argue much at all; we really had a fantastic relationship. And even when we did argue, we made sure that when our heads hit the pillow, one of us always turned to the other and we talked it all out. Always. Her entire family used to tell me everytime I'd see them that I am so good for her because I keep her grounded, and I have helped her through such rough times.

And when I left her, it was literally just a perfect storm of bullshit. I had just turned 30 years old. I was very unhappy with my job. She was very unhappy with her job as well. She was working two jobs, because she wanted to gain some experience as a writer. But she is SO hard on herself that for 2 years she tried to write for this magazine, and I was proofreading articles everyday after work, sometimes into the early morning hours. And she was just so frustrated all the time. I kind of panicked, because I was 30 and I suddenly felt really old, and on top of that, all this help I was giving my wife, and had been since we met started to smother me. And I had switched to eating a 100% vegan raw foods diet, because I had heard it makes you feel good. Well it makes you feel GREAT!!! You wake up every day as if it's Saturday and you are 10 years old.
So here I was, running around on an absolute adrenaline high all day. I had lost weight because of the diet, and was looking the best I ever had. Everyone at work and my friends were all like, Wow, you look fantastic! Everything was so surreal. And it seemed like the more happy, and on fire I felt, the more depressed and desperate my wife got. She started snapping at me about everything. She was just so annoyed by everything I did. It got to be for the last month, that I'd drive past out house and ride around after work just listening to the Radio to keep from going home. I finally DEMANDED that we get marriage counseling, but she didn't want to go. But I finally just broke down and begged her to go. And she did. And at the counselor is when I realized how angry I was at her etc. But I was still on this high, and just out of desperation I asked a friend at work if I could move in, and I did.

I honestly only intended it to be a break. I wasn't "leaving my wife". My wife even helped me pack up the truck as I was leaving. It wasn't that big of a deal. I DID NOT LEAVE MY WIFE FOR A 20 YEAR OLD GIRL!!! It was only a month later that I met her. And that relationship should have never happened. But like I said, I literally was just momentarily crazy. I was feeling old and unappreciated. I was on a high from this new lifestyle. I looked great, felt great, and this new girl laughed at every word I said and made me feel great. I had been with my wife since I was 20 years old, so I wasn't experienced enough to just know that it was ridiculous for me to go for it. So, I just did it.

I wish everyday that I could take it back. Everyday. I would NEVER do anything like that again. I was strong for her for 10 years, where a lot of men would have been fed up years ago. I don't know. I guess you all are right. I guess I have just lost her. Obviously it doesn't matter how good you were for the 10 years leading up to a big mistake. Once you've made the mistake, you've made it, and it can't be taken back or repaired. This is just the harsh cold reality of life I guess. I just curse God that I had to learn this hard lesson in this way.

[pisces7378]

Your wife is obviously still not over the hurt and humiliation you caused her, and she may never fully get to that place. It really depends on her capacity to forgive and as she's with someone new, why should she forgive you? She's moving on.

Be careful here. I realize you miss your wife, but do you feel like you want to get back together out of a sense of "righting a wrong?" or out of guilt. Consider that even if you do get back together, your dynamic is never going to be the same. Maybe you both could use a fresh start.

Incidentally, what does your therapist say?

My therapist thinks much like you do. That any relationship she and I'd have would be a brand new one. He thinks that I need to stop beating myself up and realize that it's okay to grieve the loss, but that taking on this much guilt and responsibility for the situation isn't healthy and will prevent me from moving on. He says that I should sit with and feel my feelings. He agrees that she and I had a very good relationship, and that there is plenty of potential for a reconciliation. But he has ZERO advice as to what I should do.

[Doc Durian]

She's in a relationship with someone who for all intensive purposes appears to be treating her well and who she cares for.

There isn't much you can do about that except to wish them well.

What you can do however is to express this to her with the caveat being that you stuffed up and let the best thing to ever happen to you... slip through your fingers, and you're truly sorry. Should she ever be in a position to contemplate the dating scene again, you'd ask her out in a heartbeat.

[starbuck]

I agree with your therapist that you are punishing yourself above and beyond what is appropriate for this situation. You obviously feel deep remorse about this. So maybe it's time to forgive yourself and move on.

What's stopping you from seeking a relationship with a completely new person, Pisces? Do you feel somehow that you don't deserve a new relationship?

[LailaK]

From what I've read you did a lot for her, you guys went through a rough patch, you took a "break" which ended your relationship, and you both started seeing other people. Now she's with a guy who's good to her. I'm sorry but I don't know what you can do. You're asking her to choose between a relationship that's working and a guy that broke her heart when she was going through a rough time.

In her eyes she probably replays the last moments of your relationship over and over in her head. You looking great, you dating another woman. This new guy probably brought her out of that funk and they built a bond because of it.

I'd just leave her alone and move on. The past is the past.