Social Standards and Etiquette

[lahnnabell]

Just curious about this situation I found myself in last night...

So, I have 4 brand new roommates. I moved into this house because the rent was very reasonable and the living space was plentiful. I share a bathroom with another girl and so far we've gotten along wonderfully.

Yesterday kind of sucked though. L (my roomie) and I went to lunch in downtown San Diego. She asked me if I knew any great spots and so I decided we should go to this one French style cafe that I love. We chilled, drank some mimosas, and had a great time. I offered to pay, but she wanted to split it. I paid for most including the tax because I wanted it to be my treat.

On the way home we decided that we should do a taco Tuesday night. Later on that evening, her friends came over and suddenly I was shut out. I assumed that because "L" and I had talked about it earlier that day that it was a joint venture. She and her friends came back with margarita mix, tequila, and taco fixings. As they started making margaritas I asked if I could steal a little tequila to which I got the response, "Umm... Maybe we should wait on that." Not understanding exactly what the issue was, I kindly backed off and said, "Oh, well, nevermind. I'm cool."

The rest of the night consisted of the girls taking over the communal kitchen space, with barely a word to me. I took my leave shortly after realizing I apparently wasn't meant to be a part of their party and watched TV in the other room. My roomie "A" came home shortly after and offered to make me a drink and we chilled in his room and I helped him hang some art up.

I do my best to be inclusive. I've invited "L" out with me and my friends several times, but she never takes me up on it. I want to have my friends over soon for a game night party, or something. I do plan on including "L" and anyone else that comes through the door. Am I wrong in thinking that this is the most respectful way to do this? I know how it feels to get shut out, and it blows. I feel that she was a really sucky hostess last night, and I was made to feel uncomfortable in my own home and that doesn't sit right with me. What do you guys think?

[QueenofCorona]

You are totally correct in your thinking.

Is she flighty or daft where she didn't pick up on the situation? Some people just don't "get" it sometimes. Weird. Either way, its not cool and she should be more aware of others feelings.

[Sonrisa]

Being roommates is not being friends. She doesn't need to include you on those day when she wants to spend some time with her friends.

[lahnnabell]

She's a tad flighty, yes. She has a habit of letting things fester and turning sour before handling a situation. I like to deal with things head on. She didn't introduce her new friend to me, or vice versa either. They kind of just walked into our kitchen and set up shop, and then I was phased out. I understand they all work together, but in my mind that's a poor excuse, especially when you're coming into a home that is not yours. I'm still of the mind that one should bring a small gift when stepping into the home of people you've never met, but I let that one slide completely.

I went in later on and I could see "L" was getting a tad sloppy from the margaritas. A lot of people I know get really careless when they drink. I can drink a lot, and if someone needs taking care of, I'm usually the one to do it. I guess maybe she and I are a bit different on those levels.

Also, I think there is some jealousy too. She constantly comments about how I stay skinny so easily (it's really not that easy), or how many guys find me attractive, or how easily I talk to people. I don't want to make her jealous, this is just how I am, and I don't do anything to rub it in her face. I guess if she wants to be a sourpuss than she can, but that sucks because I want to get to know her better. Either way, I guess I got a pretty clear look at her last night!

[lahnnabell]

I see what you're saying. That's fine, but I had the understanding that because we discussed Taco Tuesday together that we were going to host it together. Then she just up and left and came back with her friends and taco stuff.

I also think that if you're planning on using a communal area to host your party that you make the rest of the roommates aware of the situation because it belongs to all of us. It's just respectful.

[kisswithafist]

i wouldnt be very happy, to be honest i think id be quite upset, are you going to speak to her about it?
I think if i was you i couldnt stop myself saying something, even if you just let her know that you felt left out.

And no roommates dosent mean friends but it makes life easier and also as you had been out with her that day and paid for most of dinner, and the plans for the night was thought up by the 2 of you, i think she showed you little respect.

[IndiReloaded]

Sonrisa is right, LB. Tho it did sound like there was a miscommunication. Also, it is polite for a roomate to inform the rest if they are going to commandeer a communal space for an evening. Even still, its usually best to invite everyone who might be affected. This is true even in single home situations. Our neighbours invite us if they are going to have any kind of large party. Its the polite thing to do when you will be affecting other people's living area.

Still, I wouldn't make it a big deal unless it happens a lot.

[Gigabitch]

You don't know her very well yet. It seems like she made a good first impression but is swiftly following it up with some pretty bad behavior.

It's not your responsibility to teach her better manners. What I think you should do is limit her ability to affect your life negatively and keep good boundaries. Don't expect her to be your friend.

[dewilliams2]

I can see it both ways...I'd probably include you but I'm a nice guy...but like Sonrisa said she doesn't have to.

[QueenofCorona]

I guess being from the midwest people here act differently maybe so I think its a little rude. I think we're a different breed out here though.

Every roommate I've ever had I always introduced my guests to my roommate. Its just a respect thing. We don't have to be best friends but its just to me something that is obvious. Its like if you were standing next to your boyfriend/girlfriend at a party and someone you knows walks up to you. You just introduce that person.

The fact that it was implied earlier you were going to do tacos, her friends coming over shouldn't have changed anything. If they just happend to come over and didn't include you, that would be a different story.

[lahnnabell]

Thanks Indi. Yeah, I totally agree that anyone has the right to spend time with their friends and their friends alone. I completely respect that. I don't like the lack of communication though. I'm chalking it up to her just having had no clue how to convey what she wanted and so she just let it sit. I'm gonna give her that because we're all still so new to each other.

I want to host a Game Night soon because my close friends haven't seen the house yet, and I'm really proud of all that I've worked for in these last few months. I'm gonna let my roomies know that I'll be using the living room and possibly the kitchen, but that they are more than welcome to come and play games too. I like to include everyone when I do something. It's just how I do things.

[Gigabitch]

I like it. Lead by example.

[Indignant]

She's a tad flighty, yes. She has a habit of letting things fester and turning sour before handling a situation. I like to deal with things head on. She didn't introduce her new friend to me, or vice versa either. They kind of just walked into our kitchen and set up shop, and then I was phased out. I understand they all work together, but in my mind that's a poor excuse, especially when you're coming into a home that is not yours. I'm still of the mind that one should bring a small gift when stepping into the home of people you've never met, but I let that one slide completely.

I went in later on and I could see "L" was getting a tad sloppy from the margaritas. A lot of people I know get really careless when they drink. I can drink a lot, and if someone needs taking care of, I'm usually the one to do it. I guess maybe she and I are a bit different on those levels.

Also, I think there is some jealousy too. She constantly comments about how I stay skinny so easily (it's really not that easy), or how many guys find me attractive, or how easily I talk to people. I don't want to make her jealous, this is just how I am, and I don't do anything to rub it in her face. I guess if she wants to be a sourpuss than she can, but that sucks because I want to get to know her better. Either way, I guess I got a pretty clear look at her last night!

honestly, you sound really arrogant and vain here. your roommate must've picked up on that from hanging out with you. you could've said something that might have offended her as well.

[lahnnabell]

*le sigh*

I knew I was going to get flack for this particular post.

I do my best not to come off as vain, but I really wanted to convey the reality of the situation. I am attractive, and I'm a fun person. There's nothing wrong with knowing that about oneself. My friends love me, and I love them.

As for my roommate's attitude. I'm not saying she SHOULD be jealous, but it's become clear to me that she has issues with the fact that I have a lot of male friends. She always comments on how nice I am to others, and when I've told her stories about my life she tells me that I've had a really cool life. Maybe she isn't jealous. Maybe I am a little vain. However, I do expect that if someone has issues with me, that they tell me. I'm not adverse to criticism, and I am probably my own worst critic most of the time.

[Sonrisa]

i have learned that it's best not to brag about what i have to people around me and pretty much to keep quiet most of the time. people will not come forward with their issues, but instead will push you away.