Discussion of marriage

[EnjoyingLife]

Hi all,

I am hoping for some honest advice from men and any women that have been in a similar situation. My partner and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and have lived together for 1 1/2 years. I am 31 and he is 37 and I have tried to discuss marriage and children with him 3 times in the last 6 months. He tells me that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and doesn't want me to go but he won't compromise. It is very frustrating, as his answer is "I don't plan"! When I told him I am unhappy in this relationship he asked me why I was here then? Last night when we had a fight about him not talking he said to me "you shouldn't stay here if you're not happy". When I asked once again why he won't discuss anything about our future he said he doesn't have the energy and when I asked him why he said he doesn't know! I feel this is giving up on our relationship too easily, he either doesn't love me or just can't be bothered. I threaten to leave every time because I feel unhappy that he won't plan anything with me. I am not interested in getting married right now but feel inadequate that he won't bring up any plans for our future together, especially since everybody around me has been getting engaged and married lately! It has been a bit of a wake up call for me. I guess I have left this for too long now! I am quite an ambitious person with my investing and other hobbies and I guess I have been in denial about my age and now realised that marriage and children is probably something I will regret if I don't get myself organised! The hard thing is he swears he loves me and there is nobody else so it is hard to make a decision. Should I leave or what should I do?

Thank you!

[IndiReloaded]

At his age, and 3.5 years in he should know what he wants by now. If its not marriage and family, and that IS what you want I suggest cutting bait. There's no time to waste with a relationship going nowhere. Sorry.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, this guy is a stunted man-child who refuses to take on responsibility like a real adult.

If he really loved you, he would be willing to talk about your future together. I think that he's made it clear: you can't rely on him for anything, not even a verbal commitment. Don't even dream of having kids with him, he sounds like the kind of hard-core loser who would rather be unemployed than pay child support.

If having kids is important to you, you need to dump this guy and move on. Your biological clock is ticking, but it will take some time to find the right guy and be with him long enough for a commitment to feel like the logical next step. Don't waste years waiting for your current guy to grow up. At age 37, he still isn't there yet.

[Mish]

What I've noticed during my time here at LF is that there are some people who passionately see no distinction between relationship and marriage and others who passionately do. Perhaps, this is something to be mindful of before starting a new relationship with someone as these mindsets seem to rarely reconcile.

[vashti]

It seems like you have spent a lot of time auditioning for the role of wife when he doesn't intend to get married (at least - not to you).

Sorry, sweety. If you want to get married and have babies, you'd better quit wasting your time.

[EnjoyingLife]

Hi VincenzoG91,

Thanks. This is why I don't understand because he very successful at work, sports and has lots of hobbies and is definitely not a loser in those areas. He is actually quite a good catch if you take away the children and not communicating! But it seems he is a loser in making a commitment and these discussions are quite important in a relationship!! I think you are right about being a man child! That's funny and probably spot on! I think I have come to the conclusion that he is emotionally immature.

Thanks again. Any more advice anyone? Think I need to hear it from lots of people to make my decision easier!

[EnjoyingLife]

Thanks Vashti,

Why do you think he would bother saying he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and he would marry me tomorrow but doesn't ever show these actions by proposing or discussing future plans?? Why can't people just be honest and say I don't love you or I'm scared shitless of marriage or I'm not ready rather than being all talk and no action! I sometimes think it would be easier if he said "you're a pain in the ass that's why I don't want to marry you"!! Life would be so much easier if people could just be honest! Arrrr!

[sookie6]

Hi,

I knew a guy who didn't want to get married and have children but one day he met a single mother.

Very pretty, younger than him. He was smitten.

She made clear from the start that she wanted real commitment from the start due to her children (she argued that she didn't want the kids to see her dating a bfriend, she wanted to be engaged very soon).

The guy didn't walk away, got engaged. Then 2 years later they got married (marriage could have happened sooner but due to the kids there were some adjustments).

The girl, I know her, was married before and believe you me she knows how to appear marriage material.

She barely brings up arguments, mostly she complies with what he says. She cooks for him , takes care of him a tremendous amount.

On top of this she says the right words 'I love you more than life', 'I don't know what I would do without you' blablabla...


All women and men are gonna hate what I am saying but this is how you get proposed to.

1. Be attractive
2. Take care of the man as you would a child (nearly...)
3. Be compliant (men hate arguments and fights at home)


There was a thread on marriage and how women get proposed and why men do propose.

You should look for it. It's interesting.

[IndiReloaded]

Why do you think he would bother saying he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and he would marry me tomorrow but doesn't ever show these actions by proposing or discussing future plans?

Because he obviously likes you enough to keep you around, but not enough to marry. He sounds emotionally lazy. If you do manage to coerce him into marrying you, I think you better be prepared for some disappointment.

BTW, what do YOU bring to the table to marry such a 'successful' guy? Maybe he likes you, but doesn't see you as his equal (therefore worthy to marry)?

[Gigabitch]

Ugh.

One of my dear girlfriends has one of those. They actually got married last summer after being together for 10 years (!) because she insisted and they've waited so long to start a family she's probably too old to get pregnant any more. He's still a man-child. He will never, never grow up. My other girlfriends and I are watching her waste her life away with this man while she slowly gives up on the life she actually wanted. it's a tragedy.

Don't do this to yourself.

[the_robot]

Well, I am like a baby when it comes to these things, but I personally think very low of marriage, it's nothing but an unnecessary contract for me. It does no good, because if you want to break up you can always divorce.. no meaning.
I admit if I found the right girl and she wanted to marry I would though.. just not because I want.

[Disillusioned]

My inability to think of the future was the deathblow to my last relationship. It's been a problem in other areas in my life, namely the inability to choose a career. I don't even like to budget! For some reason it irks me that I have to instead of being disciplined not to spend. Same with making plans for the weekend or whatever. I know I'll forget (90% likelyhood) so I don't want to piss anyone off. A commitment is worthless if it isn't followed through and maybe he takes it seriously enough to know he won't follow it through. The longer the comittment the more expectations you have to meet and suddenly you start feeling like your life has been written down and you're just following the book. It takes the fun out of life for some people, for others it's the foundation they need to be secure in order to enjoy life. I reccommend you move on, you're hurting each other and he's made his decision (not comprimising, doesn't like to plan). Also, he may think the world of you but don't flatter yourself by underestimating the cost of lifelong comittment! Really don't! Consider what he would give away just to appease you when you know it's not what he wants. Consider the time you're also giving up for your plans for the future by banging your head against a brick wall. Don't be fooled by his stoicism either. After 3.5 years you'll most likely both be broken and have to pick up the respective peices of yourselves. Despite trying to handle it "like a man" it will hurt him too but dragging it on is worse.

[Junket]

Don't even dream of having kids with him, he sounds like the kind of hard-core loser who would rather be unemployed than pay child support.

Where the hell did you pull that from?

[Mish]

Thanks Vashti,

Why do you think he would bother saying he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and he would marry me tomorrow but doesn't ever show these actions by proposing or discussing future plans?? Why can't people just be honest and say I don't love you or I'm scared shitless of marriage or I'm not ready rather than being all talk and no action! I sometimes think it would be easier if he said "you're a pain in the ass that's why I don't want to marry you"!! Life would be so much easier if people could just be honest! Arrrr!

Because he probably loves you and he's probably not scared of marriage, just doesn't know why marriage is important and doesn't want to be pressured into doing it. You are assuming a lot of things about him, which may not apply in your situation. The problem is your point of view is different to his on this subject matter, it doesn't mean that he is right or wrong.

[EnjoyingLife]

Thanks to all! After thinking some more I realise that I'm not huge on marriage right now but like everyone I just want to know I have a secure future with somebody, which includes marriage and communication is the best way to find out. If you don't have some idea if you have a future with somebody why bother having a relationship at all.

Last night he brought some dinner home and said he had thought a lot about what I said and he needs to talk if he wants to continue our relationship and that he's not going to let me go. He told me he wants to grow old with me and when would I like to have children. He seems worried about the responsibility of children but at 37 he should be thinking of this already. I understand that it is not right or wrong if someone chooses not to have children but I am pretty sure I will regret it if I don't. I am someone who needs a plan and likes to achieve things regularly otherwise I feel like I am wasting my time on this earth and not living my life to its fullest! I know what my goals are for my financial future but maybe I need to start setting some real goals about my emotional future, as I've always just let that fall by the side and left it to fate.

Like Gigabitchs' friend sometimes you need to make sure you have a plan even if you don't want it right now otherwise you can end up too old to have children and miss out!