Help! My girlfriend and I just broke up

[nj1035]

We've been dating for 3 or 4 months, and since just a couple weeks into our relationship I've talked about moving to NY in August. I've lived in Austin, TX all my life and really felt it was time for a change. It would be a new experience and give me more opportunities in my career.

Well I just got back from a trip to NY and decided for sure that I wanted to go. I asked her to come with me and she thought about it for a few days and decided it wasn't for her. So we had a talk today and she basically explained to me that we couldn't be together anymore because of it was just going to end eventually when I left. I told her that if by August we were still together and things were going well I would seriously consider staying for her. I really like her but we have only been together a few months so it's hard to know for sure if it's right. I feel like we have a great time together always, but neither of us have opened up to each other fully. We haven't had sex yet so maybe that's why (we both live with our parents, sad).

She said that wasn't fair to her to be in a relationship where she is wondering all the time whether I'm leaving. But I'm starting to feel like I would rather stay here and be with her than go to NY and be without her. I feel like maybe I should tell her I would stay for her for sure. But I don't know if it's worth changing my plans for a girl I've only known for a few months and haven't really opened up to. The whole thing is just frustrating, I don't know what to do. I want to be with her. Does anyone have advice?

[OneQuestion]

Hey. I am sorry for your situation. This may be a long responce.. maybe not... heh... Anyways, I have some things to point out.

First off. If I or my GF moved to a new state, for a better job, both of us would be willing to move(that is what LOVE is and does to you!).

The thing is. I have been with my GF for 6 yeras, and getting married soon. So of course we put EACHOTHER first, another thing that comes along with love.

Now, you say you want to move to NY to expand your career goals. This is great, however, if you don't already have a job lined up, it could seem to her like you are just 'running away' or something. Like you are 'looking' for something else, and aren't happy with her or where you are.

The problem is, you have only been together for a few months, so there really isn't any 'true love'. Sure you two like eachother, and love may be forming, but the relationship is still new. It makes perfect sense she isn't willing to pack up and leave her life (that she has been used to for years) to leave for a new life with a guy she has only known for a few months.

You have to decide what is most important. This girl, or moving in hopes of expanding your career. It is a very hard choice, because on one side, you MIGHT end up with the girl you want(this is a big MIGHT). On the other hand, you almost for sure will expand your career opertunities. So, is this girl something you can't let go? If so, you may want to stay... sanity always trumps money, and so does love.

It is just so hard because you are doing this to expand your job, which in turn could mean a better life for her and you... But like I said, the problem here is the relationship is just to new for her to move away with you.

Have you been living together thus far? If not, that is another big concern. Moving to a new state, and moving in with a guy she has dated, but doesn't really fully know.. it is scary, and just something she doesn't want to do right now.

I guess there isn't much advice to this post, I just wanted to give my 2cents!

Either way, whatever the outcome, good luck with your love, or your career!

[nj1035]

Wow, thanks for the reply. Lots of good advice in there.

There is definitely no "true love" there yet, in fact, with her and I there wasn't really much of a "puppy love" phase at all like I've had with past girlfriends. It's almost like we're great friends who are attracted to each other. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing....I'm used to falling hard for girls and it just didn't happen this time.

Anyway, I have this feeling like we could fall in love with each other but it just hasn't happened yet. And I really enjoy her company and her family and she seems like someone I could stand to be around for a long long time. That sounds kind of bad but I don't know how else to describe it.

Also you are right about the NY, I do feel like I would be running away. I'm kind of tired of Austin and am looking for some fresh new excitement. But I can't decide whether it's worth giving up on this relationship. This is so hard. And I almost feel like if I decided to stay it would still be too late....she already told me she doesn't feel right with standing in the way of me going to NY. So I don't even know if she would let herself be with me anyway.

[cmacattack1]

Moving your life to a whole different area is a big decision. Like they said before, if you don't have something lined up and established, it could fizzle out and you will have to make the haul back. I'm from NY myself and I had a buddy of mine who moved to Georgia because he just likes the South for some reason. Probably to get out of here and try something new too. He got his bachelor's in teaching and kept talking about how awesome it would be and how much money he would get and just moved down there on a whim. Three months later, after finding out there is a hiring freeze in Georgia (and most other places due to the shitty economy) and being incredibly alone, he moved back here with his tail between his legs. It might be fun and exciting to try it out but if you don't have some kind of plan and not much is in line, it could be a disaster once reality kicks in. Reality doesn't really kick in when you are there for a fun trip ya know?

Now anyway, to deal with the situation with your girlfriend. You should not want to stay just for her. I know that's what everybody says is the definition of true love, putting the other person first and doing whatever you can for them but it has to be reciprocated. If either of you doesn't feel that way, loses that feeling along the way, or so on, it will not work. You will break up and you will resent her for putting your dreams on hold only to have it fizzle out. After a messy break up, we always regret the time we spent pursuing the relationship when it ends like that.

I don't know how she feels and you are unsure of how you feel. I say you go for this if things are in line. You have to remember that there is not just one "one" out there for us. We like to think there is but why do people marry, divorce, and remarry? Not because they weren't THE one, but because we no longer wanted them to be our one. You will find somebody no matter what you do and where you go, and I say you go for this because you are doing it for you. It's not easy, it will hurt, and it will be scary and there will be what ifs no matter what decision you make. You have to put you first and she will understand.

I hope it helps and good luck on your decision.

[VincenzoG91]

She probably feels like you are running away from her, even though you invited her to come along. It probably doesn't strike her as a realistic situation, so she may be wondering what you are really thinking and feeling.

Think about it. You are moving away without a job lined up, during an unusually bad recession, to one of the most expensive places in the world. And you're asking her to do the same. That's just about guaranteed stress right from day one, and for a relationship that has only been going for a few months, that would be a real pressure cooker for both of you. Since this is obviously a bad idea, you should think about your real motives. I'm not saying you shouldn't go, but you should know the real reason you are going. Or maybe you're just kind of an impulsive thrillseeker, in which case you will probably do just fine in NYC.

[Mish]

She said that wasn't fair to her to be in a relationship where she is wondering all the time whether I'm leaving. But I'm starting to feel like I would rather stay here and be with her than go to NY and be without her. I feel like maybe I should tell her I would stay for her for sure. But I don't know if it's worth changing my plans for a girl I've only known for a few months and haven't really opened up to. The whole thing is just frustrating, I don't know what to do. I want to be with her. Does anyone have advice?

To stay or to go?

I don't think anyone but you can answer that question.

Why don't you answer that question first?