Please help!... hurting bad could use some female insight

[jim83]

Hello... I just need some advice on what to do about a break up, its going to seem like there was just too many things wrong with this situation but the fact is that me and this girl are so perfect together and our feelings were extremely strong. I’m sorry this is so long but please bear with me, I want to explain it fully.

First of all she is 18 almost 19 and I just turned 26 so there is a big age difference, secondly she is from a divorced family and has a lot of trouble living with either of her parents, she knows they love her but she doesn't feel loved, and lastly she had decided to live in Calgary for a while during a time when we were not together so we were doing long distance because we got back together before she left... I know that's a lot

I`ll give the whole situation from the beginning. We were together for about a month and a half when we first met and it was great, then she got weird and broke it off saying she felt that we were just friends. I knew that wasn't the case but I tried to give her space so she could figure stuff out. We only talked a couple times but then after about a couple weeks she texted me asking to please text her later so I did and she told me that she had decided to go to Calgary for a while to live with her dad, who she has some trouble living with, because she was having hard times at home with her mom and she wasn't happy and felt like she needed a change. I've always been very supportive and I've always been there for her and she knows that. She started texting me again on a fairly regular basis and after a little bit said she really wanted to see me again before she leaves because she misses me a lot. When we got together her feelings came back harder than ever, a couple days later she told me she knew a big reason why she left me was because I was the type of guy she would fall in love with and she wasn't ready for that, she had never felt that before. After that until she left, which was a little over a month, we got together quite a bit and talked all the time. We had such an amazing time and our feelings for each other grew more and more. She wanted to stay because of this but it was kind of too late and it was something she felt like she should do and I thought it was good too and I said I would still talk to her all the time. She decided to go for 6 months and save some money and then we would be together when she came home and it ended up being a full out long distance relationship. We were together the night before she left and she almost told me she loved me.

Right after she left I booked a flight to go see her in a month and a half, we talked everyday all day while she was trying to find work and it was actually really nice except that we both missed each other so much. She expressed a lot to me over this time about how much she liked me and how great it was going to be when she came back and how she loved being with me and that she planned on being my girl for a very long time. Finally after about a month she got a job that she really loves at a restaurant and met some really awesome people and she really needed that to happen because she was becoming extremely bored, all she ever did was talk to me. After about a week and a half at this job she got kind of weird so I asked her about it and she said that she loves being out there now and she can't keep the long distance thing going because she can't be on a time frame of when to come back because she wasn't sure if she would come back, but she might. She also told me she wasn't sure if she wanted me even though 4 days earlier she said I was the only one she felt loved by, how she was planning to be my girl for a very long time, how I was her favorite person, and lots of stuff along those lines. She broke up with me a week before I was supposed to go see her and we had a big trip planned but after a bit of talking I told her I understand and agreed that we would both take some time so I cancelled my flight and the hotel we had booked for our trip because she said it would be too hard for her to see me. I know she's finally feeling happy because she's meeting awesome new people and loves her job but that's partly because all she did for over a month was sit around bored and feeling depressed, I was the only thing she had and that was only through text everyday and talk on the phone once a week. I don't get how she could have her feelings for me change in a matter of days after all that time that I've supported her and the way she felt about me and the things she said to me.

She broke up with me a week ago and I was actually supposed to see her tomorrow if I hadn't had to cancel because of all this, I know she doesn't want to see me because it would be too hard for her because she still has feelings for me and I`m worried she doesn`t want to see me because she`s going to try to just get over me. I haven't heard from her since and I'm not sure what to do. I honestly feel like eventually she will get homesick and come home after a while but I'm scared that after all that time she might lose her feelings for me.

I know this girl has feelings for me and knows that we would be great together but I know she's loving it out there right now and feels like she's not quite passed living her young life. I miss her so much and I miss talking to her all the time and I know she misses me but I don't know if I should talk to her or if I should just leave her alone and wait for her to talk to me, I’m not sure if she’s not talking to me just because she knows I’m hurting and knows it’s hard for me. I just don`t know what to do I really feel like her and I are the perfect pair and I know she knows we are good together but it seems like she`s trying to deny her feelings for me. Any help on how I should handle this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[jloranestes]

You are obviously very into this girl, and while that's hurting you right now- it's a good thing. Loving someone is never wrong.

Having said that- I'd agree with her that SHE's not ready for the kind of relationship you guys would have. She is very young, and at that age a lot people want to just have fun and not be in a situation where there are big expectations and intense feelings. Your best bet here would be to let her go. As painful as that is, sometimes you just meet the right person at the wrong time. Let her go. If she come back to you (after having gained some experience and wisdom) then you have a chance. This girl is still trying to find herself- let her.

I realize this is probably NOT what you wanted to hear, but there's more. As you pull away, she may or may not start calling you again to talk. You are a friend and that a hard thing to let go of. Try not to be her crutch- if you can't listen to her ask advice about dating some guy that's currently in her life- you can't be her friend. She needs to go it alone. She'll appreciate what you are doing for her: giving her the space to grow.

There are no guarantees however. You could do everything right and she still may end up with someone else. It has to be her choice. In the meantime- go out. Hang with the guys- make some new friends and focus on making your life better (I'd imagine you've been so focused on her, you've let a few things slide in your own corner of the world).

Chin up, things will get better.

[Gigabitch]

Let her go. if you let her go off and do what she needs to do, she may come back at some point. If you create a bunch of breakup drama, she'll avoid you for the rest of her life.

[jim83]

Thanks for your posts.

I decided to talk to her about it again and she is in fact having interest in a guy which is what I thought. I basically let her know that I understand what's happening but it doesn't change my feelings. I told her I knew I needed to let her experience what she needs to experience and I'm not gonna wait for her but that what we could have together is worth so much and to not count out the possibility of us.

She said she knows that what we could have is worth so much and that she wouldn't count me out.

I am gonna try to move on I know that's what I need to do but I know Ill always have a special place in my heart for her

Should I just leave her completely alone now and just move on?... Or should I leave her alone for a little while or what?... I'm not going to bug her about us but should I still talk to her?

[starbuck]

I say move on. She's young and doesn't sound ready for a serious relationship at all, especially given her age and the fact that she's been inconsistent with you in terms of what she says and what she does.

Find someone who won't be as wishy-washy. Perhaps a woman closer to you in age.

[Gigabitch]

Don't hold your breath for her. Move on and find someone else.

[jloranestes]

As hard as it might be- it would be better if you didn't talk to her. If she calls, be polite but distant and don't call her. A clean break is often best.