Really Depressed about the Chemistry.

[mrman256]

This is a long one but I've tried not to waffle:

So I was with this girl and we broke up unfortunatley. When I was with her I didn't feel the chemistry but I wanted it with her more than anything. In my head this girl was perfect for me in my head but it just wasn't there in my heart. When we were going out she always felt like more of a friend, my best friend in fact, which was what I was looking for at that time.

I looked past the initial lack of chemistry as the girls who I had felt these 'sensations' for in my stomach had turned out to be horrible people who were willing to screw me over. This girl was nice and really showed true interest. Also I heard people can have successful relationships without that initial 'love buzz'.

I think towards the end of the relationship I was beginning to feel something but then she broke up with me. We don't talk to each other because things went a bit sour after the breakup (we are in the same class at uni and emotions got a bit out of hand on both parties). However I miss her a lot but I don't want to get back together with her because it's unfair if I could'nt feel the chemistry. She deserves better than that. Sometimes I think she may still want some future as I catch her looking at me sometimes and she looks kind of sad but I care about her too much to hurt her.

When she broke up with me she was very limited in her reasons for it. I bugged her like a needy person afterwards (I give no credit to my foolishness) and eventually she said there was no chemistry. I kind of don't believe this when she said it because she hinted at her feelings when we were together and I reckon she said it so I would stop bugging her. If there was an element of truth to this I guess she kind of sensed the chemistry wasnt there on my part. My sister always says that girls pick up on that stuff really easy.

During the relationship I thought we got on great. I got on with her better than I did most people. When I mean most people I mean better than everyone else. The sex was good as well. Though we had lots of interests we often thought we were each others opposites but we kind of worked well together. Breakup was kind of unexpected in my eyes though I didn't feel the chemistry.

However before we initiated the relationship I developed OCD (a sudden trigger set it off) which anyone who has it will know it can bugger everything up. OCD also goes hand in hand with depression which I also suffer from. A couple of months later my Nan died which was really tough. I went kind of numb to that as I had to look out for my mum and it's my way of dealing with stuff like that. I was and still am really upset.

Generally things haven't gone too well for my family in the last few months Dad lost his job and all. I just started uni and have had my first solid job and moved out by myself. Although those are positive things they can also be seen as stressful.

Also for the last two years or so I haven't really found anyone who I've had that 'butterfly tingly' feeling for ( I dated my ex during this time however this is a slightly more recent event if you get what I mean). Instead all I can feel is this dull ache in my stomach. The dull ache really got on my nerves when I was with the ex I'm talking about now. Doctor says this is stress. I'm not on any meds but I don't want to take them until I got all the pychological stuff sorted.

Now after the relationship a few months later I can see myself with other girls but I'm finding it hard to let go of my ex. She was really special to me and I just wish the chemistry could be there so we could have that relationship I really wanted. Now I'm miserable and in a really odd place. I've been with another girl since (no sex) but it just didnt feel the same.

So I got some questions:

1.) Can chemistry grow?

2.) Do these outside factors have anything to do with how I felt at the time? For example family death, OCD, stomach illness?

3.) Can past relationships have an effec on current ones? The girl before this one had treated me like shit and before I got into this relationship I made sure to shield my self and became much less naive.

4.) Is there more to relationships than just initial chemistry. For example trust and personality. I think what I was beginning to feel towards the end was love but I guess I'll never know.

Looking objectively I would be best to move on from this girl and I can see most people on here saying its at a dead end. However I don't want to move on instead I want to be with her and if I can find a way to make it work then I will do what it takes . It's a messed up problem somebody help me.

[Gigabitch]

Chemistry can't grow. It's either there or it isn't. What can grow, though, is affection and yes, love too. I'm sure outside factors can affect how you engage others, but I don't know if it can affect your chemistry with someone. I kind of doubt it.

Why don't you believe her about there being no chemistry?

[mrman256]

I don't know at the beginning she was really keen the relationship then all the other stuff happened and I got really depressed. I could see why she would say that I could have been seen as very distant in that period.

[jloranestes]

1) Yes, chemistry can grow. It usually does- how many people can say their sucessful relationship was based on love at first sight? Chemistry grows like any other growing entity: by how much you feed and nurture it. What feeds and nurtures chemistry? Time. Intimacy. Trust. Love. Kindness.

2) Yes, outside factors definatly affected the way things went down. Did they cause the brake up- probably not. But how much energy do you have to put into nurturing your chemistry when you've got other huge things going on. Very few new relationships will survive one of the partners going through such big things.

3) Yes, absolutly. What are we as people but a collection of a past experiences and our responses to those experiences? If you already had trust issues going into this plus all the strain of mulitiple crises, well, no wonder chemistry wasn't growing. Can a plant grow with no sunlight. Girls feel when a guy is holding back, and they see this as a lack of tust or closeness. That's probably what she was "picking up" from you more than anything. In her eyes, this was not a good time, a fair time, for the two of you to try to be together. So she backed off to let you get your life together. Doesn't mean she didn't care- just that she needed a sign that you still did.

4) There is absolutly more to it than chemistry. Do you still have a chance with this girl- possibly. However, just like your past with the mean girl colored your experience with the one you want to be with, her prior experience with you will color her decisions about being with you again. Your best chance is to give her some good memories to help color her experience with you in a good light. Build up your friendship with her, then approach a romance if you still want it.

[mrman256]

thnask that was actually very reassuring answer. I still have my doubts whether the relationship would work. I am going to try and be friend with her though and if we dont go further than that thats fine I'd be happy if she was still in my life. Cheers for the helpful answer.